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How to deal with adult stepchildren's hatred!?!

2 bio and 3 not bio's picture

Adult step-children.... wow! Just to reduce confusion, I'm going to use the term SD. I am not married to her father but we have been together for 6 years and live together.

I have recently been smacked with a cruel realization. I am still in shock and very confused! I often felt something was right but thought it was me being paranoid. My SD is now 18 years old. She has suddenly turned into a different person!

I always thought I was pretty lucky to have a stepfamily that got along so well. I have two BS (15 and 12) and he has three BD (18, 12, and 9).

All of a sudden after allowing my oldest SD's boyfriend to live with us twice for free (SD lived with her mother), She starts complaining to her father about me, my kids, and how things are. She started out by saying that she thought we did more for my boys then he did for his girls. She teases and bullies my oldest because he hugs me or does things that she thought was "weird."

Her father grew tired of her not appreciating things we did for her and her boyfriend, so he started telling her no more often. Ofcourse I became the blame for every argument and problem SD and her father had. She started staying the night every night because her boyfriend lived with us. When she was angry she would come in the house and just straight upstairs. She stopped visiting with her father and would only text him things like "Dad, the house is a mess. You need to clean it." or "Dad, I need tools to fix truck." He came to realize that she only texted him if he texted her first, had a complaint, or if she needed something.

He made two attempts to talk to her without and one with me because she was accusing me of coming between him and his daughters. She stormed out every time with nothing resolved. The last "meeting" he had with her. He asked her what her problem was and told her that he didn't want her to just come over everynight and go straight upstairs with her boyfriend. He wanted to know what was wrong. She stormed out telling him that he always does this to her... she said "I've gone seven months without talking to you before and I can do it again." This is something she did another time she was angry with him. He never forced her to adhere to the visitation schedule.

She didn't talk to him for the rest of the day and then came in our house almost 11 o'clock at night. He went in her boyfriend's room and asked her what she was doing... "Going to bed. Don't worry dad we found a place and will move when we come back from Jamaica." He told her to go home... "You're kicking me out 11 o'clock at night!"

Both her and her boy friend went to her mother's house (somewhere he was never allowed to stay before) and never came back. A few days later she texted her dad, wanting to know when her boyfriend could have his stuff. He told her that he would pack it and drop it off to her mother's. She asked him to do it that same day (she asked this in the afternoon). He is out on disability with a bad back and neck. He knew it was too much to pack everything, load it, and unload it in one night. Since she wanted it so urgentlt he told her that he would put it outside and they could pick it up. This is when she tells him that she hates me. I have not said anything through this whole ordeal and she texted me... "Sc**w you you are worthless too." "...go somewhere with u creeper of a child" " have ruined my dads life. his girls hate you."

She went to her father's ex-wife (her ex SM whom she hates) and told her lies that I was mean to her little sister, etc. She caused so much problem that his ex-wife started saying things about me and didn't want to grant visitation anymore.

It's been two weeks now. He has not heard from her. He wouldn't have even known if she made it to and from Jamaica safely had her mother not told him. I don't know how I can ever bring myself to having a relationship with her again. I have never yelled at her, called her names, or been cross with her. I don't understand why she suddenly hates me and why she has been so disrepectful and cruel! I'm still hurt and hope to never see her again... BUT i feel sorry for him. He says it's okay. He stuck up for me because he knew I never did anything to her and she was the one in the wrong. She clearly doesn't want me around and made attempts to exclude me in everything before this big blow up! He doesn't want to allow her to exclude me. What do I do if she starts coming around again and she still acts like I don't exist? I don't want the drama! Our house has been more peaceful since they left!

ybarra357's picture

Your stepdaughter and her BF are gone! Hallelujah!! You don't know how many posters on here wish this very same thing!! Consider this a very fortuitous event!

Don't allow this little turd back into your house. It sounds like your SO is on board with it too.

Shannon61's picture

The answer is simple . .disengage. She clearly doesn't respect you, so she shouldn't be welcome in your house . . period. It also sounds like you have a wonderful SO who respects and supports you and hasn't turned a blind eye to her foolishness, so half the battle has already been won. I truly commend him. At this point, I would have nothing to say to her nor would I initate any contact with her at all. Let her continue to hang herself and look like the moron that she is. This is a reflection on her, not you.

Do not allow her to return until she apologizes and is able to treat you with some respect. And even then, you've seen that side of her so you know who she really is and what she's capable of so you should be wary at this point. And your SO also sees how evil she has been and is I'm sure quite embarrassed by her actions. You control who comes into your home. . .keep it peaceful and loving and keep that trainwreck away from you and your family. I would also thank my lucky stars that she's gone. Maybe she'll start living her own life and butt out of yours.

Good luck.

buttercookie's picture

I'll tell you how I deal with my adult skidMark's behavior. I DON'T!!! Plain and simple. I treat him how I'd treat any adult who wanted to disrespect me in my home. I make him leave. He doesn't have to like me, I don't even like him, but he needs to be respectful when he's here something he won't do so he doesn't come here. Any other issues with him I refer him to his father, He's not my kid and he's not my problem. We've helped him out more than we have any of the other 3 (2 being mine) and we've learned that you can't help an entitled brat. Its not helping him when he does nothing to better himself and just has his hand out. We also blocked his psycho mother and him from calling or texting our cell phones. They can leave a message on the home phone that has the ringer off.

ricki's picture

Bottom line is that she doesn't accept you and you do need to disengage. Like buttercookie said, if she won't respect you in your home, she isn't welcome there. Her father needs to tell her what the rules are. If it comes down to it, he can just see her away from your home. Take my word for it, if she doesn't accept you now, she never will and you may as well stop trying and get on with your life. Her father can have a relationship with her but it just won't include you.