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How can I handle adult steps in such a blended family

Erinkucera's picture

20 years ago my husband and I married. He had 3 boys 1, 2 and 3 yrs, I had 2 boys 2 and 7 years. We had full custody of and raised all together. 2 years after marriage we had our own boy. DH parents tried to get custody of his kids and we fought them for years in court over visitation. All the boys bonded and are close. We moved away from grandparents. When hey were teenagers we moved back to hometown so I could be near my parents. DH parents got involved again alienating us from his 3.

Because all the kids love my mom and each other, we see them often. His kids are brutal to us, especially me. They've ltold my own children I did things to them that are a lie. There's burning anger there. It finally flared up between one of the boys and I and he said some things I can't even describe. His wedding is coming up and I dread going. I dread the holidays. I feel sick about my wasted years raising them.

If I refuse to be around then it will disrupt holidays and upset my mother and my own sons. DH is very supportive because they hate him too. After this last conversation with my stepson, I can't sleep or eat.

Erinkucera's picture

I should add that this last altercation with my son was because I was texting a complaint about him to my own son and accidentally sent it to him! So that was my fault. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for everything.

Erinkucera's picture

Thank you. I am considering the wedding, I've been warned by family that causing family drama makes me look worse. Like I'm petty. But I feel physically sick dealing with everyone who despises me.

I am, at nearly 50, finishing my English degree and I hold on to working on this as a healthy dose of self esteem.

The more I think of it, the more I realize just how big it has always been my whole life not to cause drama. I'm not even sure what that means other than keep my mouth shut. My DH says, "Screw them all!"' how easy that sounds.

ldvilen's picture

Isn't that nice, "causing family drama makes me look worse." They are the ones being rude, acting up, and you are the one causing drama. In other words, they can literally do whatever they want, and you have to be ever supremely perfect. Assine. But, as ridiculous as it is, yes, that is what is expected of a SM.

I always say, "give 'em what they want." If they want drama, bring a cassette player with and right during the middle of the ceremony, blast it as loud as you can and play the Macarena and start dancing to it. That will solve everything once and for all. They'll get the drama and excitement and excuse they wanted, and you won't have to have anything to do with them any more!? After all, if they can disrespect you and your DH's marriage, after years of service to them, then you certainly don't have to respect any of their unions.

Anyway, see my advice below and enjoy the show. Wink

Kes's picture

Nearly 2 yrs ago I had a 4 mth estrangement from my adult bio daughter who is in her 30s. I decided then that I only wanted a relationship with her if it was founded on mutual respect, and if she were going to behave to me in what I considered an abusive way, I was going to cut ties. I lived through a 24yr marriage where I was abused and am never going to tolerate that kind of thing again.

I would seriously think about what you are and aren't prepared to put up with in terms of your step sons. I am no longer prepared to have a relationship at any cost.

peacemaker's picture

you have the freedom to choose. My question to you is...if that is where you are at right now, Why on earth would you entertain going to someone's wedding who despises you both? If it is to appease someone else, then you are not staying true to yourself because someone else might get upset? let them be upset. if you do not stand up for yourself and show yourself some love and kindness by refusing to let others treat you badly...then no one else will respect you.

If your child gets upset with you because you don't go then I would have to question that child's love for you as a person. No one in their right mind would require someone they cared about to go into a hostile situation and be exposed to that kind of abuse for appearances sake....that's ridiculous....

"One day I woke up and discovered I had the freedom to choose....and it changed my life forever"...Be kind to yourself. Respect yourself. Peace.

notasm3's picture

Rule #1 in life - remove all toxic aholes from your life. It does not matter who they share DNA with.

Do not try to dictate how others interface with these cretins. Don't try to make anyone "understand" why these people are so awful. Just DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH AHOLES.

A polite "no thank you" can serve you well in avoiding bad situations. Do not say "I don't want to be around that *&^%&I because he did xzy." That leaves open the door for someone trying to convince you otherwise. Do not debate whether someone is really that horrible. Just politely but firmly decline to ever have anything to do with them.

I have a truly horrible SS31. When my ILs ask about him I let my DH answer or say something like "he's fine." I do not go into a recital of his latest wrongdoings. Now I might if I thought they were in danger.

It works beautifully for me.

sandye21's picture

^^^THIS!^^^ If you continue to try to be in SS's life you may give him 'ammunition' for more lies - a potentially dangerous situation. Good thing that SD supports you but I agree with his suggestion.

still learning's picture

About the text; apologize, eat your humble pie. Let ss know that you were frustrated and he was not meant to see that. It would be a good idea just to take ss out of your contacts so this doesn't happen again. Don't type or text anything that you wouldn't want screenshot/forwarded and shared w/others unless it's on an anonymous site like this.

Your son should be allowed to have a relationship w/his brother w/out your interference. Stop using your son as your therapist. Complaining to him about his sibling is doing the same thing to your son that DH's parents did to the ss's. Let go of the reins and let them figure it out w/out you in the middle. I have half siblings and most of us get along great because we intentionally leave our mothers out of it. Do yourself and your son a huge favor and talk to a therapist about all of this rather than your kid, sounds like he doesn't need any more issues.

Is your DH going to attend the wedding? If you do go I would suggest leaving immediately after the ceremony and skipping the reception all together. A friend has an emergency, your parents need your help...etc. Have something set up so that you can leave.

Remember that all of this drama was in motion before you ever stepped on the scene. You cannot fix it, your DH seems not to care so why are you still sifting through their train wreck? It's well beyond time for you to disengage.

GhostRobot's picture

It's hard to disengage from a child you have raised but I have to agree with some of the other comments. You need to "divorce" yourself from your SS at least for a little while. The negative consequences include never having contact with grandchildren but you have to consider that no contact with potential grandchildren may be better than wallowing in a toxic environment for years. It is even harder when you truly enjoyed being his mother.

My mom was an awesome mom. She didn't take crap from anyone. She has had knock-down, drag-out fights with her SC and would routinely say "F*%$ You" and then physically show them to the door - once she "showed them to the door" with a 2X4 but that is another story. My SD tried to throw his weight around a few times but my mom could be super scary when she needed to be. Her philosophy: that was her house and she would eat her own tongue before she allowed anyone (including her own children) to disrespect her.

Good luck!

peacemaker's picture

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sammigirl's picture

If it were me....I would apologize sincerely for the text and let this go; you will get a response, but don't take this another step; ignore all future contact, unless it is to your benefit.    

Not another thought, not another word to SS or anyone else.  

Do not respond to future texts, block SS from your social media, and leave this totally alone.

You have no control over this for sure; therefore, you cannot change it.  Accept it for what it is and don't think about it.  Don't go around SS and don't communicate with anyone that can keep this fight going.  Let this go now!  Move forward!