You are here

Home for the Summer

pinkb's picture

Folks,

I'm curious how other folks have handled the situation of adult step children who want to come "home" for the summer. My step son lived with us full time from about 14yo. At one point my husband and I moved across the country. Step son didn't want to come which was understandable since it was his senior year of high school. So, we paid (dearly) for him to stay near our former home.

In background the 3+ years I lived with this kid I was absolutely miserable. He did what he wanted when he wanted all the time. There were no honored house rules, I think he cleaned his bathroom twice in 3+ years, barely learned to load his own mess in the dishwasher. If I so much as asked him to walk the dog it was like I was Cruella DeVille. After several rounds of therapy (mine, his, the kid's) I finally just gave up and figured I could suck it up until high school graduation. When he graduated he mysteriously ended up at University near our new home. To boot, his Dad never saved for his education and has lost his job more than once since we moved. So, you certainly know where that leads... Daddy pays for school and then when our household bills come if he doesn't have enough money to pay his portion for the roof over his head, I have the choice of making up the difference or having late bills, credit blemishes, etc. So, anyone with their eyes open can deduce that its really ME that's paying for college. I wouldn't be entirely opposed to this but the child basically acts like I don't exist. I've never received a birthday card or a holiday gift with the single exception of a $4.79 thrift store book with the tag still on it last Christmas. Yes, he's 20yo and his brain probably isn't working right yet but my feeling is that one of two things is going on here. Either 1) he hasn't figured out who's paying for school and his Father's hasn't made sure that he knows or 2) He knows but hasn't been taught the manners to be grateful and respectful. His Father says that I shouldn't give people gifts expecting reciprocation. This "gift" has occurred because I feel like I don't have a choice. I'm not asking the guy to tend crops or whitewash the house... merely a "thank you" now and again.

So... on to the topic of the day. My husband wants the kid to move into our home for the summer. We have the room... that's not the issue. I abhor the thought of going back to the "good ole days" where my home is a pig pen, I'm either disrespected or ignored and right, wrong or indifferent I've *just* gotten over what borderlines on plain old contempt for this man-child after two years. To add to that, my office is at HOME and my husband travels about 75% of the time. I realize that the likelihood of asking any 20yo to follow ground rules probably would be a nightmare but even if my husband were to say that he'll make sure the man-child behaves I know will never happen. I've heard those words broken so many times that I lost count. Even so, if my husband is rarely here what is my 5'2" frame going to be up against a 20yo who has a good foot on me. I know he'll do what he always did before, roll his eyes, turn his tail, and ignore me. Meanwhile there will be underage drinking and marijuana in my home.

My husband and I have had this conversation half a dozen times now. Every time I say, "No. Not negotiable". Then he waits a few days and tries again.

I think putting a roof over the kid's head (I make quite a bit more money than my husband), basically paying for his education (this isn't a cheap school), buying a new car (because we had to give one to the child which was done without consulting me at all), carrying his insurance (health, dental, vision, car) has been my fair share. I'm 41 years old and I want to live a few years with my husband where we're not living with a spoiled child before a few years from now when we'll have to start helping out with our aging parents.

According to his Dad the sun rises and sets around this kid. I've learned to be polite and pretend like I give a shit but when I was growing up high school graduation didn't warrant a ticker tape parade. It was just what you did to keep your parents/family happy. If I had disrespected my parents/step-parents (I am a step child on BOTH Mom and Dad's side) I would have been in a convent or living on the street.

Does anyone else think its out-of-line for my husband to expect me to live in my own home with a 20yo man-child who treats me like shit? And, to do it most of the time by myself because my husband is traveling for work all the time.

Thoughts?

Pink

pinkb's picture

I'm not sure if my husband spent many summers at home. If I recall correctly (its been over 20 years) I did spend summers at home as did my step-sister. That probably made things easier on my step mother as my step-sister and I were best friends since birth. We were always expected to have jobs. Most summers I had a job and took college classes at the same time. That being said, there were chores, a reasonable curfew, and briefly when my Dad lost his job my sister and I were the only ones bringing in any money.

When my husband and I got together he had partial custody with "dear" old Mom. Maybe a month after we got a place the mother called and said she couldn't handle him so he moved in with us full time (with my consent). My problem there was all on me... I assumed that kids were expected to do minor chores. I set the tone at one hour per week. However, I didn't negotiate it before he moved it. I did negotiate it later with my husband, me and the kid signing something to say that xyz would bave to be done before he got his outrageous $50/week in "allowance" however chores were never done and there were never any consequences.

I see things going right back there were he to move in with us... leaving me absolutely helpless home alone. Frankly, if I'm not going to allow drugs and alcohol or teenagers being intimate in my home why would the kid even WANT to stay here? I figure the answer is that he knows his father won't make him comply and I'm not sure how I could home alone.

sandye21's picture

^^^This!^^^ First of all, SS is NOT a "child" or a "kid". He is an adult. You have done more than your share for both DH and SS. Stand your ground. If DH doesn't like it invite him to rent an apartment - that DH pays for - and live with with SS until they can both get on their feet.

I did this to in the beginning of our marriage. Paid for all of DH's expenses while SD was in college, paid for her health insurance, etc. She was extremely disrespectful and abusive to me, would not lift a finger in the house, and was VERY stingy. That was 25 years ago. I've not received any acknowledgement for my sacrifice from either DH or SD. Don't get your hopes up about getting a "thank you" from your DH or SS. That's another good reason to not do it.

Funny thing - when faced with paying half of the expenses or moving out DH decided to look out for his own interest. There IS such a thing as 'male gold-digger'.

still learning's picture

Why should he come home if Dad's going to be gone 70% of the time? I would make a very generous compromise with DH, tell him that ss can be there when DH is there. DH can take him traveling for his work. How great would that be for ss to spend quality time with dad and learn about responsibility at the same time.

ss30 fell into this jag where he would come here and stay the night...just for one night. After weeks of this I told DH that ss could sleep here BUT DH had to take him with him when he left for work @ 6am. This set up lasted one time. ss was screaming at DH, "where will I go @ 6am?!" Umm get a job maybe? DH dropped him off at his aunt's and ss has not stayed the night since.

I hated being the b*tch but the alternative of endless "sleepovers" and then all day of ss30 smoking pot and playing video games was much worse.

pinkb's picture

Hi guys... just to clarify "home"... The kid has NEVER lived here. It's the home that we bought much later. Daddy suggested that he take this as a home address for in-state tuition. He'd never lived in the state before.

pinkb's picture

And, the ultimatum just came in:

"I love you. I love you more than you think I do. I may not be the best husband or even human but my intent has always been to love you as best I can.

I fear that we may be at a serious cross roads as displayed by your "not negotiable" stance regarding .

My hope has always been for the three of us to come together as a family. My process hasn't always been good. My methods not in alignment with your expectations. Regardless I've been trying to make it work and it appears I may never achieve that.

The question we must now answer is, "Can we make this work?" I don't know the answer. I want to believe we can but I just don't know."

2Tired4Drama's picture

Read between the lines here.

"...I love you more than you think I do." Why? Because he can't, and won't, truly demonstrate it with his ACTIONS. His actions have shown his kid is priority.

"not the best husband ..." Right. Because he is more worried about being a Disney Dad to his kid.

"...love you as best I can." Boy, there's a qualifier if I've ever seen one. "As best I can" certainly indicates that he has limits in his love for you. It's clearly conditional; if his son wants/needs aren't met because of you, then by golly, you certainly are being hard to love aren't you, Pink? That's what he's saying here, IMO.

"... I've been trying to make it work ... I may never achieve that." In other words, he's bending over backwards and no matter what he does it isn't working. Bring on the violins and fake tears. Does he play the martyr much? Interesting how he hasn't noted how much time, energy and financial support YOU have been so generous with.

pinkb's picture

2Tired4Drama, I couldn't agree with you more. He gave me an ultimatum and I called his bluff. Just for giggles I would like to predict to this audience what happens next. Though he can't come close to paying his portion of the bills (and he doesn't pay half but a proportion based on the percentage of the household income that he makes) he's going to suggest that he keeps paying full tuition AND helps the kid rent an apartment. Which, of course, will be my fault since skid can't live here.

I'm winding up for that conversation and not sure what I will do. I'm leaning towards, "just move in with the kid, and sign the title of the house over to me... good riddance!"

Thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Pink

pinkb's picture

And, my response...

"I am reading this as an ultimatum. I am perfectly willing to continue to work on my relationship with your son to the extent that he is. Based on history, I take ten steps towards doing that (be it financial, conversational or otherwise) and he might make one. You continue to expect me to make up the difference. I'm not willing to do that. Why don't you make an ultimatum to instead of me? Make a choice as to who is more important in your life.

So, if I am reading this appropriately you are suggesting that if I don't endorse move in for the summer to not only my home but my place of business all while you're barely ever home, it's a deal breaker. Is that correct? If so, then your allegiance to your son over your wife has broken the deal, not my position regarding this matter."

Need strength here folks...

mskaye2012's picture

Your response was very nice and it came from a place of strength. I really don't like how he is trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Are you questioning yet if he has your best interest at heart, it sure doesn't seem like it.

pinkb's picture

Oh, I'm pretty darn certain that he doesn't have my best interest at heart. It's the classic "frog on the stove" situation where you throw the frog in lukewarm water and turn up the heat one degree at a time. By the time the frog is thinking "it's-hot-in-here" he's about a degree away from a miserable boiling death. He just went too far this time. Invite my asshole kid into our home where I (my husband) rarely live or I'm leaving you. Cool!

Things that just went bye-bye:

* A place to live
* A vehicle to drive (I own them both, asshole)
* The refund on your now-individual tax return (happy 38K owed to you and happy refund to me)
* Car insurance
^ Health/Dental/Vision insurance

But, please! Thank you for making it easy to decide and have a nice day!

Pink

2Tired4Drama's picture

Great response on your part! Interesting to see what/if your DH will respond. Imagine he will now start a different tactic, one of backing down and placating.

No offense to you, but he's obviously on your gravy train. That never bodes well for a relationship, especially when the fiscal imbalance benefits an ungrateful skid on the back of the stepparent.

I think you have given way more than your fair share, both financially and emotionally. I would use this opportunity to throw the gauntlet down and say from now on, you and DH will each contribute equally to your household (mortgage/rent, expenses, vacations, etc.). Furthermore, anything that has to do with supporting his "adult" son will have to come out of DH's income. You will no longer provide ANYTHING to support SS - including health coverage, cars/insurance, travel expenses, etc. Finished. Done. No more.

See what DH's response will be to that. If he balks or complains, then you know why he's with you - for the financial help. Only you can determine if that's a reason to stay married to him.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Good response! Stay strong. Your DH is now reaching and using his last card - your marriage. I call BS on that. It is your home and place of business and with DH travelling so much his son has no business staying with you.

My DH threatened divorce a couple of times over my SD too a few years ago. ie. if I didn't try to make up with her and re-engage he might want a divorce. I said fine, if that's what you want - but I am not willing to suck it up and go back to the abusive nasty fake relationship I had with my SD.

After that incident I told DH calmly, please do not threaten the divorce card EVER again unless you mean it, because next time you do I will go promptly to a lawyer and begin the process. He has never brought up divorce again.

pinkb's picture

I could put all the spare bedroom stuff in storage. I paid for it all. That might be kinda fun.

pinkb's picture

Yes... this is an email he sent while on the road. We usually talk often throughout the day (mostly electronically via email/IM/text) however yesterday he went dark as some sort of perceived "punishment". Whatever, I was fine (and far more financially solvent) before I met you and I'll be fine if you leave. But let me be very clear, douche rocket, YOU will be leaving this time. Not me.

At first the "my bitchy wife won't let you" offended me. Upon further thought what it REALLY says is "I'm not in a true partnership with my wife as would be the case if I was truly a man of integrity, honesty, truth and leadership. If I were those things my wife would lovingly follow my lead. I'm not those things. So she rules my house and I'm such a pussy that I let her".

You guys have saved me from breaking dishes the last two days. Thank you!

Pink

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

yabbut Sally - Dad is not home 70% of the time! SM has no power over this man (son). She knows what he is like and doesn't want to share her home with him - that is her right as a partner and homeowner.

These are the consequences SS has for being disrespectful and rude to SM in the past. Why doesn't SS go stay with his BM?

pinkb's picture

Or will sign a contract (which has been done before) and abide by and/or enforce exactly NONE of it. They both tell me whatever I they think Iwant to hear to get exactly what they want and then have selective amnesia and act like I'm nuts. I made the mistake the first time the skid moved in by not protecting myself.

I'm not absolutely certain I can keep him out this time but I'm certainly going to give it my best shot. On the back burner, my Dad (in his 70s and whom my husband hates) is prepared to hop on an aircraft at any time.

"Hi husband, did I forget to mention my Dad is staying for the summer? I'm sure you understand my oversight. What's for dinner?"

pinkb's picture

20yearsAsAStep-Mom, you nailed it. There's no reason to believe anything would be different. As I told the douche rocket husband last night "if we started talking about this 6 months ago and your kid made the effort over time to re-earn my trust a little at a time, his living here could have been a possibility. You didn't do that. You want him to move in here based on trust that he's grown up. I have no evidence that that's the case". "Trust me. He's grown up a lot".

Me: Great! I'm sure you're right. And, with regular, constant, repeatable, visible behavior for a minimum of 6 months while he's living somewhere else, we can talk again! Have a nice day!

Does he think I'm fucking stupid? Wait. Don't answer that. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't fallen for so much shit already.

Pink

hereiam's picture

If he was so grown up, he would be making his own summer arrangements, whether that be with relatives, sharing rent with friends, or talking to YOU and DH about staying for the summer, in the home that belongs to BOTH of you. And volunteering to abide by any rules and do whatever needs to be done in order to stay there.

I think, "He's grown up a lot," is a stretch.

pinkb's picture

Thanks, hereiam... I think grown up at ALL is a stretch to be perfectly honest. Daddy just makes him more and more of a saint every time he talks about him. And, because I'm not manning the social committee to celebrate his achievements I'm not playing nice. My checkbook has been playing nice for years. The more they are afraid of losing the income the nastier and nastier they are...

Tuff Noogies's picture

update, pink? is he travelling for work now? if so, when does he come 'home'?

i'm wanting to change your locks and put all his crap on the front yard, just for that stupid manipulative bull$#!t he's trying to pull. GAH.

pinkb's picture

He got home from work travel ~11ish last night. He texted on the way home like we hadn't had any words at all! Upon arrival, he admitted wrong doing and said he would have conversation with the brat today that he needs to find someplace else to live. He got up early, fed/walked the dogs, made me breakfast and high tailed it off to "work with" the kid on finding another place to live. Might be with his Uncle, maybe an apartment... who knows. More constant theme of "negotiate" with the kid, "help him find a place to live", whatever. At 20 shouldn't you be able to do that yourself?

One thing that still perplexes me if his Uncle (who is a bachelor and lives nearly) will let him live with him (already a underage drinking, pot wielding household), why on God's green earth would he want to live here? Oh, wait. That would be the expected gourmet meals, turn down service, and chocolate that he expects on the pillow case of his freshly laundered sheets.

I seriously wouldn't be surprised if kid throws a temper tantrum and he never comes back. If that's the case, he'll shortly understand exactly what his life will look like on his salary while he continues to support his blood sucking kid.

Thank you so much! You guys are keeping me busy and focused with your notes!

hereiam's picture

So, he's willing to throw away the marriage over his 20 year old jerk son, who you have been subsidizing, who shows you no respect, who has shown no respect to his own father or your home together.

Now he's playing mind games. He does not come right out with the ultimatum but hints around at it, to let you interpret. Then he can later say that that's not what he meant, that YOU took it there.

My stance would be even harder, now, as this would just really piss me off.

pinkb's picture

My stance is harder now... mostly based on the fact that he committed to the living arrangements while I had already said "No". My husband and my Dad don't get along (mostly because Dad says he's a salesman who has been taking me for a ride for years). Would it be okay if I said "Oh, I forget to talk to you about it but my Dad is moving in for the summer... Love you! Dinner's at 6).

pinkb's picture

Hi tommar24365, thank you for your post. I certainly respect an alternative opinion and I would love your feedback on this...

Issue: Living in NorCal v. Socal; Concession, Me
Issue: Paying $1500/m for kid so he can stay out West and play once we moved; Concession, Me
Issue: 2 cars, 3 people and kid "needs" a car in high school... Means both gainfully employed people in the suburbs who pay all the bills and have to support (then) child; Concession, Me
Issue: Dad hasn't saved for college and agreed long before marriage that he can't contribute to college but changes his mind at the last minute and pays for tuition with mortgage money (his and mine); Concession, Me
Issue: BM has a job and a rich husband now (I know the rich husband sounds bad but how is that different than my husband marrying rich?) can't she help pay for school? What message are we sending by free European vacation is more important than school tuition; Husband says "she can't afford it". Bullshit. Concession, Me
Issue: 2nd car agreed to be sold to trade in to buy new car (for us to augment the one we've been sharing) once kid arrives at college... Dad decides he wants to gift the car to the child without any discussion with his wife... wife finds out at the celebration of the first year of college in front of the child; I'm blind sided but support to present a unified front to the kid; Concession, Me
Issue: Kid crashes said car 3 times in one year, doesn't tell parents or my husband just doesn't tell me; Not mad but ask that child now carries his own insurance when our rates skyrocket, Dad throws a temper tantrum; Concession, Me
Issue: Kid visits the ER several times for a rash or the flu running up thousands of dollars in bills; "Hey husband, isn't health insurance covered in tuition?" (it is); Husband says "well, that's very basic insurance, we (me) need to continue covering him until he ages out (26); Concession, Me
Issue: Husband takes 1/3 professional pay cut plus job is 75% travel so household responsibilities all land on me, expresses that he can't pay the same amount of money into the household; However all contributions (full tuition, all insurance, cell phone) to child should remain the same; Concession: TBD but depending how this plays out, likely Me

The only concession I can even recall on my husband's part is that we didn't wait for high school graduation to move but we provided a darn cushy life for the last few months, a car, ridiculous allowance. I doubt he would have been home much anyway... he was busy out screwing his 14yo girlfriend because I wouldn't let her sleep over at our place. Sorry, 14? Not under my roof.

These concessions have come over years but either I am delusional (quite possible) or I'm getting taken advantage of.

Pink

pinkb's picture

BTW, the single concession worked out nicely for the kid (and in hind sight I think was planned) he has in state tuition because we moved when we did to the only University to which he was admitted. Sigh.

pinkb's picture

Hi wickedsm123, have you copy written that screen handle? It's a good one.

All of your points are good ones. I value each and every opinion that I have been offered. I'm not making any bold decisions in haste and I agree, as long as the kid's not moving in here (I'm not saving NEVER but certainly until I am comfortable) I have won the battle. I have tried and tried and tried to support this kid. He's more than happy to take money or whatever else he needs at the time but then just thumbs his nose at me until the next time he needs something. It's just not okay. Daddy just keeps telling me try harder and I have for years but now, you know what? Fuck that. I feel like the guy with the red stapler in "The Office" who they just keep making more and more miserable until they move him into the basement and stop acknowledging that he's even present.

You make a good point about being "right". In fact, master manipulator throws that dart often... "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy". Actually, I'd like both (don't we all) but his expectations of my contributions (not all money) have gone from borderline to temporarily crazy (sure, I'll help with this semester's tuition... we can figure out how to replenish our savings though school loans even if we pay them ourselves make more financial sense) to absolute insanity (pay most of the bills, maintain the household, pay tuition and contribute to paying off his debt while letting my jackass kid move in). It's kind of so sideways at this point that I'm struggling to find any reason to stay.

I'd love your thoughts on couples therapy given your background. His habit (as with many other things) is telling the audience what they want to hear. His defense later is "I described how I wanted to be but not what I was sure I was capable of". We've been to two different therapists. I've been giddy walking out of the office because I believe the things he says. Then I wait to see the actions match the words and wait and wait and wait. And, goodness knows, I'm not perfect. I have plenty of work to do on myself... when you quit learning to be better, you're dead.

We all have problems. In my mind until you admit they are there and you're honest with your partner... how can you really resolve them? I did most all the things I promised to do in therapy (many were uncomfortable and/or I didn't believe in them) but in my mind if I committed to do them or at least try them and loop back to renegotiate if/when I knew they didn't work I should follow through. The regular response from my husband was usually "I'm working on things I'm just not doing it fast enough for you". While he is slow as Christmas and a procrastinator I truly believe that a goal without a delivery schedule (or at least a delivery schedule for a delivery schedule) is a dream. Not to say dreams are bad but it's a lot harder to achieve them without a plan.

As you might have read, Daddy high tailed it 2 hours North early this morning to "figure out" what to do about skids housing situation for the summer. He said he'd be back ~around 7:30 (which rarely happens because the booze at his brother's house comes out and I ultimately tell him I'd rather him stay there than drive unsafely). The good news is I have some time for deep breaths and alone time this afternoon after I knock off work at dinner time.

I thank you SO much for taking the time to reply. Given that most of my friends and family don't want to hear about this stuff anymore (i.e. "Why are you still with this jerk?") I really have no where else to turn.

Love,

Pink

pinkb's picture

Hi tommar24365, thank you for your reply. I hear you and I think you're right. That list is "top of the mind" over 7 years. I know its not easy to put a number on things but the tides haven't turned in 7 years. Aren't I in an appropriate place to ask my husband to help turn them?

Honest question.

Pink

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Why can't he go to BM's house? Why does he need to come to dad's when dad won't even be home most of the time? This does not make sense to me!

Maybe he can come ONLY when dad is home - no reason for SM to live with this 20 year old kid when dad is not around.

pinkb's picture

Amusingly, his BM threw him out in high school. Though they had a sweet reunion over Spring Break where his BM (formerly on welfare... maybe still is) sprung for a 2 week European vacation for the kid. But, "I can't afford to help with college". The more of this stuff that I keep recalling the more angry and determined I am.

pinkb's picture

Hi Sally... thank you for your encouragement and support. We (or rather I) tried the things you described late during high school. We went so far as to his Father, the child and I signing a contract which was posted on the refrigerator. Chores were something like clean your bathroom every other week, don't leave your dishes in the sink and if you're going to be out later than midnight have the courtesy to call someone, tell them where you are and when you will be home. The last part (besides the fact that I just don't think kids should be out that late on a school night) I was the victim of a home invasion as a child so people coming and going in the middle of the night just wasn't going to fly. That and he was supposed to pay his car insurance... not the whole policy but the $50/month that it went up when we added him to our policy. Seemed like a reasonable request in exchange for everything else that was handed to him.

None of those things every happened. There were also no consequences for none of it happening. One day we left him home overnight to go to a FUNERAL and came home to a co-ed sleep over on our living room floor. But, there were consequences for that one. Daddy took his phone away for four HOURS. Are you fucking kidding me?

I finally just gave up. Ultimately, things got so bad living in that frat house that I took a corporate apartment (company funded) closer to work and ultimately told my husband "I'm not there because the kid makes it so uncomfortable for me so I'm not helping with rent anymore". I figured we could just live separately until high school graduation. After a month or so he realized he couldn't afford the rent on his own.

So, though I absolutely agree with your suggestion and the accountability, been there/done that. I have no desire to go back there. My husband went so far last night to say "wouldn't it be nice for you to have help walking the dogs"? In exchange for free room and board for a kid that is remarkably disrespectful to me with absolutely no recourse. Are you high?!? Since the child established his residence on his drivers license as here, I can't even get the cops to get him out unless I can show physical abuse or property damage. His Uncle is a bachelor and lives an hour away. Let the kid be his burden.

I said against last night... "I'm not saying we can NEVER get to a place where we can live harmoniously... but letting me know on a Thursday that you want the kid moving in Saturday, ain't gonna happen". He actually admitted that he already told the kid he could move in not only without consulting me, but after I had firmly said "No"! That part made me even more angry than the original suggestion. Hey asshole, you don't get to make those decisions on your own and if there was the tiniest window of reconsideration up until now? That's CLOSED.

So, Daddy dearest got in the car about 9 this morning to run up and share the news with the kid that he's not moving in. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the kid throws a temper tantrum, plays the "you're choosing her over me" card, and he never comes back. I don't take marriage lightly and I don't want a divorce but if that's how things go down today, that's fine with me.

Thank you all so much for your support... the last couple of days would have sucked without you. Glad I found you guys!

Love,

Pink

Tuff Noogies's picture

at the very least, please find a counselor!!! that manipulative ultimatim bull$#!t, followed by him literally going behind your back, which will likely turn into a 'blame pink' session - he really doesnt think much of you in the role of 'partner' does he. it makes me wonder how many times he's done $#!t like this in the past, but more subtle...

i'm so pissed for you!

marriage is sacred, yes. i think you need to figure out what your options are, and what you are willing to live with. therapy would be great - h3ll, couples therapy would be even better!

pinkb's picture

Hi Tuff Noogies, thank you for your help. I have a counselor. One local and one that I have been with for years online. He's been gently leading me towards "get the fuck out" for awhile now. My husband and I have been to one of them together as well as with the kid. Right before we got married the counselor sat us down and asked my husband... "is your priority your child or you wife"? My husband (of course) said "my wife". This was shocking to me because I fully expected it to be his kid (and frankly thought it SHOULD be) until the kid was well on his way in the world as a grown up.

Years later, my husband said "I told you you were the priority and my son that he was. I thought I could do both. I can't. So my son will be the priority". Talking to the shrink after that he said to me "Can you live with that?" And, I absolutely could as long as it wasn't causing severe fighting, financial stress, etc. in my marriage" and that (ideally) the tide shifted over time once the kid approached adulthood.

Well adulthood is here (year 3). And, as one of the posters mentioned above is that my husband is willing to invest in our marriage and household only after all of his adult child's extravagant (and often ridiculous) needs and WANTS are fulfilled. It's a bit over the edge. If I see one most FB post of skids ski trips or expensive vacations when my husband can't make the mortgage, I may officially lose it.

Pink

pinkb's picture

Great advice moving_on. Money is always an argument. When I buy nice things that I want and have saved for for a long time (nice furniture, new paint, etc.) that he benefits from but doesn't help pay for (despite offering without being asked) I almost regularly hear "how is a new sofa a better investment than my son's education"?

I am going to make bumper stickers. "The new sofa doesn't swear at me, eat the last of the ice cream or walk around the house with his weenie hanging out - that's why".

hereiam's picture

A new sofa is useful.

Besides, it's your money, that you have saved. Why does he expect you to invest in his son? I would laugh my ass off if my DH expected me to spend my hard earned money on his daughter and then call it an "investment".

I think maybe your dad is right about your husband.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

"how is a new sofa a better investment than my son's education?"

What a narcissistic manner of thinking.

There are any number of other investments you could make with YOUR money; ones that would offer a return. Instead, you are squandering it on someone who doesn't even like you and likely wouldn't throw water on you if you were on fire.

Your marriage is completely out of balance, both financially and emotionally. What are you getting out of it?

pinkb's picture

Thanks, Gimlet... once I take off my wicked witch hat and my wart covered nose (and undust my checkbook) maybe this little prick will like me someday... not holding my breath.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Pink, if I could offer you one additional bit of advice it's this: Listen to those in the know.

Those in the know are people who have your back; they love you unconditionally. Like your Dad and other family members.

Those in the know are the professionals who have heard both sides of the story, and have given you their input. Like the counselors.

Those in the the know may be absolute strangers; who can see your situation more clearly than you can while reading between the lines. Like many of us here on ST.

But the most important person "in the know" is ... you!

Only you know what you've gone through over the years. Only you know what your DH has, or hasn't, done to enhance your life in general. Only you know what your gut is telling you about this situation. Only you know whether your future is better by staying in this situation, or leaving.

Listen to those in the know. Especially the one in the mirror.

Best...

pinkb's picture

Hi 2Tired4Drama... thank you for your reply. I will take all this to heart. I'm at the point now where I've been trying really hard for a really long time. And, though SS regularly pees on me I have in the past accepted that he is/was a teenager who is still developing mentally and doesn't know any better. At 20yo, I call bullshit.

While he continues to add no value, acceptance, love or effort I still continue to contribute the same value, acceptance, love and far more effort. Fuck that.

It's on them now. What's more disheartening than anything is that when my husband says "we" I'm not the other half. It's his kid.

I love all you guys who have kept me off the ledge this week. THANK YOU!

Pink

sandye21's picture

Pink, If anyone has earned the 'Mother Teresa' award, it's you! Someone once said, "Love is like a bank - if the funds are continually being withdrawn you will go bankrupt." What you really need to do now is pat yourself on the back for standing your ground despite the dreaded fear of the unknown. When we arrive at this place, we make not one step forward but a major milestone jump - believing in ourselves and respecting our rights as a human being.

Being slapped in the face with your DH's manipulative threats and the hypocrisy of his words vs. his actions is beyond 'turn the other cheek' and go to a marriage counselor.

As hard as it is to imagine, your marriage may survive as mine did when I came to the same point your are now years ago. I guess my DH just needed a reality check - as your DH is experiencing now. The fact that he is helping SS find a place to live is evidence of it. You DESERVE to be top priority.

After 20 years of placating everyone, being the nice guy I said, "Enough is enough", even at the risk of divorce. One thing I would suggest is seeing a counselor for yourself (but it looks like you have so much wisdom you are probably doing this). In my opinion the counselor guided me, to ensure that the marriage relationship was equalized. I had to learn to make my needs as important as everyone else. DH realized that he would be the big loser if he did not start contributing to 1/2 of the household expenses and 1/2 of 'concessions'.

It's really to be the 'hard-a$$' but in the end you will be thankful you did.

pinkb's picture

Hi sanye21... thank you so much for this. Lately I feel like I'm losing my mind. My Mother always told me to say "please and thank you"... I'd go into detail on everything else but with minor exceptions you can just read (and you probably have) Emily Post.

My husband called a little while ago after his "negotiation" with his son on why he can't live with us. Husband is on his way home now with his ETA early and a request for what I would like him to cook for dinner when he arrives To neutralize the "bitch" factor... cooking is his thing and he's great at it, it's not a chore). I am mixed on what I might hear when he arrives. Only time will tell.

My marriage WILL survive as long as my husband is willing to put in half the effort I am. I done picking up the pieces with the kid. My husband presented an ultimatum expecting I would fold. No joy. I called his bluff. And, if it wasn't a bluff? At least we each get to move on sooner rather than later.

In either case, the kid might want to think about being a jerk, putting and his fist through walls, and should be a discussion with his own children some day, because this step-monster is VERY willing to help. But every time when I believe you can at least PRETEND to respect me, and you call me a "bitch", the clock resets.

I really like you sandye21. Whatever happens, lets be friends.

Pink

sandye21's picture

"And, if it wasn't a bluff?" Pink, it appears to be a bluff or he wouldn't be asking what you want him to cook for dinner. This is the tricky part - he gets nice and behaves for a while. He may have to be told "It's not negotiable" again, but if you stay on this site you will be validated again and again that your decision is right. Friends sounds great! As a 'friend' I give you big hugs because right now you might feel outnumbered or alone. (((HUGS)))

sandye21's picture

Sorry. Right now is a bit painful but things will get better for you in the long term no matter what course you take. You've reclaimed yourself - that's a very big step.

Merry's picture

Hi, pink. Just catching up to your story. I love that you've set boundaries. You've tried the "nice" route and the "generous" route. Change in skid behavior? Zero. Change in DH behavior? Zero. You're out of options other than to take care of yourself first and foremost. That's hard to do, especially for a lot of women. (I got there myself at one point a few years ago but fortunately my DH stepped up. It was damn hard, but harder not to.)

Skid can get a job and pick up a summer sublet where he is. There are usually lots of those available in a college town. Or live with BM. Or live with other family and friends. Your house is not the only option to keep SS out of the great abyss.

You set the boundary. Let them figure out the rest.

pinkb's picture

Hi Merry, thank you!

I was admittedly not happy with the initial situation. Skid has a job lined up (Good for him, seriously!), And it is a great gig (granted he can show up and up and keep it... the track record is about 2-3 weeks he can keep a job, EVER). Add into that what with auto fuel and toll (still not knocking the position) once he travels to Boston up to 3 1/2 hours (min) per day he makes about $11/month after expenses.

You know what? It's a growth position and though I didn't have the option to go there in college (my grades rocked but the family moved around a lot so things went skewed) I totally support him once he's dropped the nastiness, drinking and illegal drug use. On top of that... my company would have subsided or paid for his whole education on scholarships.

"I was too busy to look into the link

pinkb's picture

Oh, let's just make this super duper fun... Husband goes to "let the skid down easy" yesterday in that he needs to find another place to live. Skid's reaction? "Dad, are you crazy!? I don't want to live with you"!

Still processing over here. What craziness!

Pink

pinkb's picture

keepitsimmplestupid, I am absolutely shaking my head over here. WTF!?!?! And, I think you are right. His son is an adult and he (my husband) is trying like crazy to hold on. As you all know... I am not a Mom. I don't pretend to be. I worship my own Mom, adore my step-Mom (yes, its taken years to get here... I once fantasized about running her over with a rental car). But this is nuts!

There is some weird agenda going on here that I don't understand and have no clue how to diffuse. It appears my husband created a problem that never was.

Has anyone else dealt with this mess? Om one hand I want to reach out to the kid. On the other I am ticked that my husband created all this mess and I'm not even sure his kid knows.

Pink

2Tired4Drama's picture

Yes ... gaslighting!!

"Why, there was never any question about my son coming to live here without your approval, sweetheart. You seem to have taken this way out of context and are creating problems where none are. This is an example of how much I try my best to love you, but it's never good enough."

Classic denial, blame shifting and pseudo-martyr syndrome.

hereiam's picture

Skid's reaction? "Dad, are you crazy!? I don't want to live with you"!

Wait, so he never wanted to stay with you guys over the summer in the first place? But your husband was practically giving you some kind of ultimatum over it?

I just don't even know what to say.

onmywayout's picture

Hi Pink -- OMG I could be writing this. I, too, have a freeloader husband who gives all his earnings to ex wife and kids. Yet no contribution to the household. I feel like I just never resolve this, and I am thinking I just want to get rid of him and the marriage and all the stepkids I vicariously support. I have all the reins in the relationship -- own the house, the cars, pay the bills, etc.. yet he still whines and whines about how he has to date his kids because no one cared about resolving any issues with me. I, too, used to let them live with me, only to discover that they were the Teflon Kids, who literally never, ever, ever do anything wrong. While I pay the bills and DH and his ex-wife and the skids can go to private school and college.

I know what I need and want to do, but it is really hard to take that step in the this marriage is over decision. But I know that I am being used and he puts his kids as a priority over our marriage all the time. In fact, he puts ex-wife as a priority over me.

PM if you think we can provide one another mutual insight or support into similar situations. I really just want nothing to do with these freeloaders and the thought of three skids going to college vicariously at my expense infuriates me. There really is nothing to describe the rage you feel when you think about how they decide on their own to use YOUR money and provide for their skids and ex-wife. What gives them the right to live off of a woman to benefit their kids? It really is very difficult to say no and have a spine and walk away from people like this and I am struggling. But the thought of the same financial situation and the incessant pushing and pushing to have me let his kids come live here never ever stops ever. If these "men" loved us, wouldn't they care about burdening us? My family members tell me that he is using me, too. My son despises him and rarely visits because of this. It really is a different animal when you are providing all the financial help and they just take and take and don't respect you. It's time for some self-respect. You sound like you've had it.

pinkb's picture

Hi onmywayout, I PM'ed you. I definitely think we can help each other out.

These kids who at 20 don't have minor life skills make me crazy. Though it appears I have won the major battle and the kid's not moving in, there are been multiple calls over the weekend. "Dad, what do I say when I call to ask about an apartment?" And "Dad, but I really want someplace quiet, can I hold my landlord to that?" And and and...

Granted it was 20 years ago but it would have been embarrassing to me to ask Mommy and Daddy normal life skills like finding a place to live as an ADULT and that was before the Internet!

Happy for now and hoping for the best but I imagine that more cash requests are forthcoming and despite SS has no ties to anyplace within 90m of here and his summer job is another 90m from here our neighborhood is his "first choice". I truly hope this discussion is TRULY over.

pinkb's picture

Get your popcorn! I wanted to give you all the option. My Dad is flying in to help with the pets for the summer. ALL summer. Game on!

pinkb's picture

Updating for your entertainment... Husband got home last night. Crazy late (as expected). He has been prince charming since then. I was going to take the train into the city to pick up Dad at the airport but husband has insisted on driving me into the city, gathering Dad and taking us out to dinner.

Husband came into the room a few minutes ago, silenced the TV (which I usually have on as background noise while I work) to "talk". He asked me what spawned my Dad's visit. I told him my Dad had some time, it's no fun to be here by myself. I also said "Hey... I know you guys don't see eye-to-eye and your last encounter wasn't fun for any of us. You don't sideline your kid when he's a dick to me. And, I am no longer side lining my Dad. You promised to make things right with him 2 YEARS ago because you were both nasty to each other. I made nice with your kid the same WEEK despite the fact that I did not do anything to provoke him. Bummed you didn't make that call to Dad now, aren't you? A lot harder to run in person, huh?"

Says husband "Wow, there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations, aren't there?" Says me, "You bet. I waited for you to keep your promise for two years. This is all on you".

His tail is tucked and he seems to get it. My Dad will NOT go easy on him. We'll see how this goes. Fingers crossed!

Thank you virtual support system!

Pink

sandye21's picture

Can't wait to hear how things transpire. Ya, it's a bit different when the shoe is on the other foot, isn't it? I just wish I had handled my situation like you did when my DH pussy-footing around SD instead of supporting me as his wife. Maintain your ground. It makes such a positive difference in the long run. Please keep us posted.

pinkb's picture

Dear sandye21, thank you for your post. Things have turned on a dime since I played the Dad card. I'm not proud, I should have been able to work this out with my husband, but sometimes you have to call in the National Guard before you call it quits. The official apology happened yesterday. It took all of 90 seconds. It was satisfying yet not. When we were alone I said to my husband "How hard was that? It took less than 2 minutes. And it took you two YEARS." ASSHOLE. My Dad, though he had plenty of reason to be, wasn't even a jerk.

Dad has been here since Thursday. We have had nice dinners out, my husband has hosted an impromptu dinner party, it's crazy.

It's almost like folks behave better with an audience (me included).

Thanks again for all the support.

H.

pinkb's picture

Yes, they do. He is not my child. He is not nice to me. And, I pay for his education when his Dad spends OUR mortgage money on college. And, his BM hasn't spent a penny for his education. Foreign vacations for herself and her child? You bet. I am expected to pick up the rest. No, thank you.

mskaye2012's picture

Several college aged kids these days are spoiled, entitled, self righteous brats. My daughter is 20 and she is a bi__ch. Luckily she lives in her own apartment and her scholarship from athletics cover all of her costs, with exception of what I choose to give her as an additional allowance. I would not impose my daughter on my bf EVER, especially since I know her attitude is not that of appreciation and respect. You know your children and should not expect other people to be mistreated by them. My daughter graduates next year with a Bachelor's degree. I have already told her that if her attitude doesn't change she is not welcomed in our home after she graduates, and even if she does come to our home it's only for a couple of months until she leaves for her Master's program or job

pinkb's picture

Thank you, mskaye2012. Whether your daughter chooses to accept your guidance it sounds like she has a great Mom. Nice to meet you!