hindsight, advice please (long)
I may get a lot of repsonses to this question that I might not be ready to listen to yet, but I feel the need to ask.
First a little back story; I am in my 20's, my fdh in his 40's. ( i know he is old enough to be a parent to me.) I love him, been together a lil over a year, and gotten over most of our issues with step kids. We do communicate, not the best all the time, but pretty good overall. I do need him financially due to going to college and not being able to work fulltime. I am not sure about kids or marriage (neither is he), but what worries me is that with a avg life expectancy in the 80's I have a long life ahead of me with fdh. all we'll really have is exactly what we have now (no kids, engaged, talking about work everynight etc...) for approxamatly 55 years. Not knowing what I really want out of life makes this hard bc maybe i'd be happy with just this. I cant gurantee any future mate that id want to get married or have kids, i feel id be cheating a younger guy if i couldn't give them that. On the other hand I do not want to cheat myself out of years that I could be bearing children or building a relationship that might lead to marriage.
My problem does not lie with the skids so much, I guess since they are adults and not around much at all they are not a factor in this issue. I face a future of fdh only getting older and relying on me more for possible health care issues. I feel vain for feeling like that isnt fair to me bc that could happen with a younger guy with no kids. Age really isnt an issue for me, but out lives are in different stages and sometimes that causes conflict. after writing this I guess there is more to this than being with a man with kids.
For those of you that have been step parents for awhile, If you could of left your dh or dw and had a relationship with a person without kids long ago do you wish you had now? Despite the love for your spouse has it been worth it or do you wish you would of done things differently?
You will be likely to get
You will be likely to get quite a few responses saying "get out, now!" You are quite unusual in having no issues with your Step kids - most of us do or we wouldn't be on this forum, and many of these are adult step kids.
If despite the lack of problems with SKIDS, you are still having doubts about the relationship, I would say you need to look at things again. However, as you are still in your 20s you have plenty of time - why not give this relationship a chance and see where it goes - after a bit more time it may all become clearer to you which way to jump.
Personally, I would have still married my DH if I had known about all the problems I would face with the BM and SKIDS, but I would have not jumped in so fast. It has been a hard road, and I have only stayed because I love him so much. The issues with BM and SKIDS have truly been a nightmare, and if you read some of the posts on here you will be left in no doubt how hard it is being in a step situation.
I'm in my early 20s and my DH
I'm in my early 20s and my DH is 10 years older than I am. I think you have to really know who you are before you can discover what you want out of a relationship. I understand the financial thing also as my husband is the main bread winner and helps me out a great deal. I had dated a lot when I met my DH, and I felt like I really knew what I wanted in a partner. I made a list 4 years ago of things I wanted in any future partners, and my DH fits every single one of those things to a T. I also am not sure if I want kids or not, and my DH has had a vasectomy. I don't worry about kids or what I could maybe be doing with other men my own age, as I love my DH so much that I know I'd never want to be without him and we're so happy together--kids when we're (I'm) ready would be icing on the cake. We share a lot of hobbies and interests, and he is my best friend.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd focus on school and then my career, and then I'd worry about what I was doing with this man & whether or not I was staying with him.
Being ready depends on the person and on their life experiences, not necessarily on age, but it takes a lot of deep self examination to know when you are really ready for marriage and if you are marrying the right person.
I have some friends that I've
I have some friends that I've known for 22 years. The husband is almost 20 years older than the wife. When I first met them, they were active, healthy people who traveled a great deal. In the past 5 years though, the husband's health has degenerated. He can barely hear anything, travel is limited due to bad hips and knees, and he gets confused a lot. Meanwhile his wife is still active and now travels with relatives while her husband sits and waits for them. A person can be faced with health issues at any age but the odds are a lot greater in later life. What appeared as a romantic relationship with an older man has turned into conflicting feelings of guilt and frustration. I've learned a lot from my marriage - and this site. Think hard before entering into a long term relationship - especially if there are skids.
Oh goodness, I have been down
Oh goodness, I have been down this road. Please realy think about what youa re doing. At a year you might feel this is rosy and you have found the right guy but seriously this comes with alot of complications that you might not be able to realize right now.
The man I dated after my divorce was 15 years older than me, I was 24 when I met him. He was such a gentleman at first, treated me so well and really swept me off my feet but slowly things were changing, he being the older and "wiser" felt he knew what was best for me. He was closer to my parents' age than mine and they would talk about hit songs from the 1950s which really made me feel weird. Eventhough my dad never said anything I could tell that he felt the guy was a letch going after is young daughter. He was too set in his ways, his routine.....I still wanted to have fun and to live life. When I tried to break it off he became possessive and while I know he thought he would be the wiser one yet again I finally stopped caving to his con and put a restraining order on him. I look back now and realize my dad was right. The guy was a creep, he manipulated me with his money and his kindness but ultimately he wanted to control me.
I know you can look at my sitaution and say yours is different, way different, and I hope you are right. I am now 48, have daughters older than you and cringe at the thought of them dating someone 20 years older than themselves. My advise is to RUN! Save yourself and get out, go have fun with friends your age!!