Help! SD has created "Multiple Seasons" of Drama - Could be on Netflix
Hi everyone, Thank you in advance for your support and virtual listening. Like the topic says, my SD26 has been an ongoing drama in my life for over a decade. I have been with DH since both SD and SS24 were young teenagers, lucky me. 
At the beginning, the drama was pretty much to be expected since I moved in with them while DH was going through the height of his divorce and BM absolutely despised him - still does. SS has always been tolerable, though we don't have a great relationship. However, SD has never let go of her anger for this and that - pretty much mad at everyone. She's got a Personality Disorder which has resulted in: multiple tatoos (including head and butt), multiple car wrecks, moved more times than I can count, changed jobs, had a food and sex addiction, visited Urgent Care more times than most of us have ever been, on and on and on...
Since DH and I have lived in our own home, she has tried to get him to agree to let her "spend the night" and he always refuses. She keeps pushing his buttons and can't drop the topic. This home is my personal sanctuary/safe place, and she takes every ounce of energy I have, so she cannot spend the night here but she was always ok to visit. She finally confronted me about it, rather than making DH the middle man, and I told her it would be helpful for us to discuss with a mediator/therapist. She agreed, but more drama, ... and then that was it, she never wanted to talk to me again or see me. Actually, that is fine with me and I'm totally cool with DH spending time with her having lunch, whatever. When she's around her Dad she wants him to hold her hand or hug her for a long time and pretty much talk about her ongoing dramas and nothing else.
She knows nothing about me, doesn't know or ask about my family, doesn't know about my past. Personally, guys I really don't ever want to be around her and prefer to disengage. It is really hard to do so because I know eventually I will have to see her. How do you all do this? Is this girl normal? UGH! What would you do??? I really don't like her and just can't force myself to.
Good for you
Stick with your boundaries. Your energy vampire SD is not good for you, and you know that.
Steer clear of toxic soul sucking life killers known as a SD.
It makes me dang ill when I read just how vicious these women are.
She sounds like she has BPD.
She sounds like she has BPD. The prognosis for BPD is slim to none. When a Borderline is in treatment, they can often burn out the therapist. If therapists trained in treating BPD are at risk for burn out then why the hell should you be expected to be around your SD?
Disengage. Continue to have boundaries such as no over nights in your home. You haven't told your DH he can't see his DD, so that's fine. You are supporting your DH's relationship with his DD. She is HIS DD and not yours so you are under no obligation whatsoever to deal with her shit. You are not responsible for her getting better. She likely never will anyway.
No, she is not normal. She will always live a chaotic life and will always be self destructive and it's important that you keep with your boundaries so that your SD doesn't drag you down with her. She says she doesn't want a relationship with you for now, but she'll likely flit back and forth wanting one and then not wanting one. If you disengage and keep your boundaries you can protect yourself from her chaos.
This has been my life
My SD is 59 and Ive been dealing with this exact thing for almost 50 years. Just know, the drama will never, ever stop. You ask what do we do. I have developed very strong boundaries about SD. After moving in and out of here 3, 4, 5, can't remember how many times over the years, she is never moving in again. Your DH is very wise and strong to enforce that rule, my DH wouldn't have been able to. My DH and I have split finances because he is unable to say no to her. He has a set allowance and can do whatever with it but not one more cent of the family money goes to her above the shelter expenses we have agreed to subsidize (she is on disability). I also check my charge daily, that was another way she scammed us.
She is allowed to come to the house, she helps him with yardwork to help offset the cash he funnels to her. But I don't want her in my part of the house, theft protection. I Gray Rock her, keeping all conversation to the minimum and don't share information, opinions or anything else. I purposely don't get on Facebook, not that I want to anyway, but its one less way I have to interact with her. I dont discuss her with DH. He occasionally discusses her and my comment is, " Hmmm...". It is hard for me to remember what a liar she is, I sometimes hear some fantastic stories and am learning to tell myself, " If her lips are moving, she's lying" (Thanks, Exjuliemccoy).
The latest was her calling, in hysterical tears, her daughter, M, had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, poor M! Poor son-in-law! Poor baby! M only had months to live, SD59 couldnt eat or sleep. Reality was M is being treated with a prescription for a digestive disorder and is teaching full time.
If you want a glimpse of your future, read my blogs. You have a real asset with your DH's strength. That is a great thing. Good luck.
Hate to say this but SD has mental problems
You must disengage from her and her drama. Until she gets lots of help nothing is going to change. So either you play her game or disengage from her. This means not allowing her in your home, Not give her a stage to perform on. To keep her and her drama out of your head.
Let DH handle her away from your home. If they hug for a long time and you don't see it , it will not bother you.Ect.
You get to choose.
Nobody hands new stepparents a handbook, so a lot of us don't/didn't know we have the right to draw boundaries concerning our partners' baggage. Or that once skids are adults, the playing field levels and we don't have to engage with them. Or that we don't have to allow toxicity from our partners' people into our lives.
It's sort of like that scene in The Wizard of Oz, where Glinda tells Dorothy she's had the power all along. Glinda would say it's totally and completely okay to disengage from your DH's mentally ill and toxic daughter. She'd tell you to click your heels three times and boot that crazy far, far away. Or drop a house on it, your choice.
There are many stepparents (and even bio parents) who've disengaged for their own protection, mental health, etc. It's just not something that's openly discussed. Here on ST, there's a slew of members who don't interact with their adult skids, ever.
My DH's family is riddled with mental health issues. I haven't had any interactions with his toxic adult kids in years. And when his siblings objected to that, I disengaged from them as well. It wasn't my preference, but it was what I had to do for my own well-being. There was a bumpy period of transition and some pushback, but today, my life is peaceful. My DH respects me, more too. As someone else pointed out, they're people I never would have associated with, anyway. Once I stepped out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and stopped compromising my values and standards, my life got a lot better.
Disengage
Talk to DH and let him know how you feel but no need to tell SD or SS. Be polite but 'gray rock' them - give them no information to use as ammunition to create drama.
DH has a biological link to his darling offspring but you don't and you don't have to pretend like you care or like them at all.
Disengagement works in terms of bringing daily peace to your home and life but there always remain a few thorns to navigate - e.g. holidays. But that is minor and the benefits of disengagement far outweigh those incoveniences.
ADDED NOTE
SD did reach out yesterday morning with the following message: " I wish to release the pain between us and live in the light of love. I am sorry for the role I have played in our pain" ----- I responded "Thanks for that. I don't live in the past, so it's all just part of the process. You can take as much time as you need. Sorry it's been a rough path, but its all healing and a learning process" Her response to that was "Yes it's important we both take ownership of our sides of the street. It always takes two"
Obviously she is waiting to hear "I'm sorry" from me, but I am not sorry for anything other than the process of navigating my position and where she fits into my life. Needless to say, she has not responded back. I told her "I prefer not to have hard conversations via text, so call when you're ready" - UGH! I am not going to give into this!
Oh, for the love of God, who
Oh, for the love of God, who talks like that? Other than people with personality disorders.
Why is she trying to spend the night? That's weird.
When you have to see her, just be civil, as you would with an acquaintance. No need to be or do more.
Right?
It's just more pop psychology word salad.
My DH gets the same sort of communications from BPD YSD, and he responds with firm directness. For example, her rationale for moving out while we were at work, not communicating for years, and telling people her father had died of brain cancer? " I detached from that side of the family for a while. " Indeed. And so have we.
She is detached from
She is detached from something, alright. Like reality.
Very good reply!
I promise that she would love a text from you so that she could misconstrue, misinterpret, distort and manipulate it, especially if she has a good audience, like, say, BM. You are very wise to opt for verbal Interactions but they will inevitably be distorted, too. That's why I say as little as possible to SD, I've learned.
I've given a lot of thought to WHY and I think these people find normal life too boring. Stirring things up is so much more interesting, regardless of the damage.
"I've given a lot of thought
"I've given a lot of thought to WHY and I think these people find normal life too boring. Stirring things up is so much more interesting, regardless of the damage."
Right? I have an SD like that. She loves to play games and can't even ask a question if she wants to know something basic - she has to turn it into a game. I think she feels she has power if she "wins", finds out what she wanted to know - when she could have just asked.
Must be a twin
Your SD must be SD59's long- lost twin. Lol.
YES
Anything you say will be miscontrued and twisted to manipulate DH.
And anything they say to you that is unkind or out of line? Pick a song from toxic SD's greatest hits album: you misunderstood, you are too hard on them, you never give them a chance, they try so hard but you are cold to them, or when all else fails - they don't remember that happening.
Disengage.
SD21 Feral Forger
Our SD21 Feral Forger still likes to play victim. Luckily she lives with her toxic mother - they are so alike. But she still asks to move in with us when things get unmanageable (like she is asked to do her dishes or clean a spot). She has her tatoos and her multiple piercings and stilll no job or drivers license...
I have distanced myself (yep but I still did her taxes and got her $$ back) and encourage DH to maintain contact outside of our home...the last time I invited her over for Christmas dinner it was miserable. For everyone. Dh sat there tears running down his face and I ran around to make sure that she didnt steal anything and Munchkin SD14 sat there at the table hunched over sighing and pouting. She doesnt like her sister much.
So - good for DH for having good solid boundaries.
I do have a few relatives that like to point out with Feral Forger is missing from a photo.
FF living with her TT BM.
FF living with her TT BM.
Sounds like the three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs living with SpermGrandHag. The Spermidiot was raised by the Hag, and all three of the younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs were too. 3 out of the four are write offs (the Spermidiot, #3 who is in prison, & #4 who is not far behind #3). #2 is marginally viable and bounces in and out of SpermGrandHag's house though she does attempt to be indpendent when she can swing it.
Like you, DW and I have tried to facilitate SS's relationship with the SpermClan while advising him on how to protect himself and avoiding being exploited by them.
Interestingly, the only viable progeny of the SpermClan iother than my SS-28 is his Aunt. The Spermidiot's sister. She was primarily raised by SpermGrandPa which is only marginally better than the SpermGrandHag though he was pretty much not involved with raising the Spermidiot or any of the Spermidiot spawned GKs. Which makes the Hag the common denominator in the SpermClan genetic train wreck. IMHO you and DH should be proud that the youngest is proving to be better than her mother and elder sister.
Enjoy that triumph and enjoy as she thrives by the example you and her dad are providing.
Many of the earlier years of our blended family adventrue my mom had it in her mind to bond with the SpermGrandHag as grandmothers. She could not believe that the Hag was as bad as DW and I shared during vent sessions.
When my parents visited us one Christmas SpermGrandHag called and started screaming like a crazed banshee at my DW. My mom was there, took the phone from my wife, put the Hag in her place and hung up. Mom then appoligized to both of us for not recignizing much earlier what SpermGrandHag was like.
Quality people struggle to recognize the depravity and idiocy of crap families led by crap people. Your family questioning the absence of FF in family photos is not surprising. Your family reminds me of my mom.