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Heartbroken.... back again

DCW's picture

It has been a few months since I have been here.  I kicked out my 28 yr old Step Son out of the house in July and since then have been estranged from all my Step Kids and Step Grandchildren.  I am feeling better to a point and have come to terms after much self evaluation, that I did what I did for survival of my relationship with my Husband/Partner and our lives together.  Without going through everything again, the situation had become toxic at home.  And my Husband did not have the strength to follow through on giving his Son a deadline to leave.  He would vent to me about all the things bothering him about his Son and how he is not stepping up and respecting us.  Many, Many deadlines for resolve were discussed between the two of us and then nothing carried out.  So I finally lost it and now I am Cut Off!    Now I just feel empty.  This time of year is so hard.  Our first Christmas in almost 10 years, without the family coming over and sharing the Holidays.  No one speaking to me.  They only secretly speak to their Dad - cell phone, text and he sees them occasionally at their homes or different events.  I have tried to reach out more than once to reconcile.   I even apologized (big mistake).   All just seems to solitify their hatred toward me.  I have adopted a Golden Retriever puppy this month and he seems to keep me busy and I know will help me smile over the Holidays.  At my age, I have lived through many things and always respected my parents, even though I may not have agreed with them.  It seems this Generation, does not have Respect.  I know Respect should be earned.  In my case, I have always done everything I could for my stepchildren and tried to make a home for all of us to enjoy.  The door was always open.  I came into the picture long after my Husband divorced their mother and she left them and moved to Vancouver.  I always knew there were issues with these kids because of the breakup and the way they were raised.  But, I never thought I would end up being the one in this position.  Thank you for listening .... sometimes we need to open up and get it out.  Happy Holidays to all of you.

tog redux's picture

I'm not sure I could love or respect a man who was so spineless that he'd rather I take the fall and be the bad guy, than stand up for our marriage and our sanity.  He forced you to bring an end to a difficult situation and now he gets both you and his kids in his life, while you are excluded.  I'd get very resentful of that over time.

DCW's picture

I know what you are saying.  I really am not one for Drama.  I ended up having to go to Councelling over all of this.  I love my Husband.  Unfortunately, he did not have my back.  He has come around to my side on this after many months, but.... Blood is thicker than water.  These are his kids.. bottom line.  He feels guilt over the breakup.  If I ever had any advice for anyone getting into a relationship for the 2nd time.  MAKE SURE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS!!!!!  

tog redux's picture

It's not the kids - it's the guilt and fear that's a problem. My DH has always had my back and would never put me in this position.

cyberwoman's picture

I totally agree with you, it is about the parent and his guilt feelings not about the child. It couldn't be about the child, no one in the right mind would agree that it is OK for a healthy 28-year-old to live with their parents. There is something fundamentally wrong with an adult not being able to take care of themselves and be able to procure and maintain food, shelter and other necessities of life. Holly cow, at that age I was married and was sharing the responsibilities of taking care of someone else's child. Had a conversation with DH about 30 yo SS who is an absolute loser. Has no job, and is not looking, BM pays for his rent and utilities, and DH gives him money for food and weed. SS has zero obligations, constantly puts himself in bad situations that we have to resolve for him, whether it is paying off a $2K warrant for unpaid traffic violations, or paying his utilities because he spent the money his mother sent him on something else. The only thing SS has in life is the hopes that he will inherit from his parents otherwise he will absolutely die under the freeway cold, hungry and homeless. I just cannot fathom how DH and BM do not have perpetual anxiety attacks over what will happen to SS when they leave this earth. I tried to discuss this with DH but he is emotionally incapable to discuss the subject. He feels so guilty for not being there when they divorced (ex initiated the divorce) and he refuses to acknowledge the 25+ years he could have parented with loving firmness that he REFUSED to do. He always found excuses why SS was the way he was and why his son needed a break. That young man got so much break that he is irreversibly broken. Daddy just couldn't find the courage to go past his own pain/guilt and give his son the tough love he needed to become a man. Instead, he helped him become a loser.

Too old for this's picture

It seems to me that it is more convenient for him to let you take the fall so he can have a relationship with them minus you.  His place is with you.  Make this clear to him or this will fester and get worse.

Harry's picture

But maybe you can go away for a days.  Someplace Christmas fun place, old Christmas type town,  find a nice room go to some nice restaurant 

sammigirl's picture

You will feel better after the Holidays! I am in the exact same situation as you, and have been for 8 years.  

I love it!  Only difference, I kicked SD57 's dog out,when he raised his leg on my white couch, she sat there and watched it happen, and would not move to clean it up; all this in DH's presence.  

The rest is history, I love my Peace, and I Don't even have to fetch my SD, or any of my steps a drink of water.

Hugs, it gets MUCH easier.  Stand your ground, that even gets easier.  It is lonesome at this point, but will revert to peace and calm.

CHRISTMAS, I am having an open house for family and friends; because it includes people that I enjoy, my steps refuse to attend.  Let me inform you, it hurts nobody but their Dad, not my problem.  It is DH and his kid's doing..

CANYOUHELP's picture

My DH has a life with them away from me and a life with me away from them.  It is not perfect, but time helps.  He cannot protect out marriage or me in front of them, I have accepted that fact. He has also had to accept the fact I will never be around them again nor will they come to OUR home again, until he can....and, I honestly know he never will.  But, I protect myself now in all things, I put me first because he forced my hand.  Yes, you lose respect for a man like this and it takes away a lot of joy in your heart, but as the years pass the people became strangers to you and you start making more peace with it too. If you stay away, they cannot get to you....and, that is not what they want either...you will see...... You know when you have to stop trying, good for you.....

Every year it becomes a bit easier....so, know you will always resent the wimp DH's stupidity, but you will be happy to not be the family garbage at their disposal.

 

Rags's picture

If they are playing the quiet game and cutting  you off, cut them off.  Book a Christmas Cruise for you and DH and leave them to wallow in their toxicity.  You and DH enjoying your lives together whether they are toxic or reasonable will send a far bigger message than anything else could.

Do not let your DH wallow in his kid induced misery and for sure you need to stop feeling empty.  You are empty of the toxicity so fill that up with joy and living your life well.

Rub their noses in the stinky spots on the carpet of their chosen behaviors by having fun with your life and your DH.

Do it!!!!!

sammigirl's picture

I do this with my life.  

What Rags is saying here, "Move Forward, as if they do not exist".

Rags's picture

Thanks Sammi.  I was not quite sure of what I was trying to say.  Your interpretation was perfict.   Wink