Do not allow SS back into your home under any circumstances. It will not change his behavior, your H will continue to enable him, and you will be miserable! SS is never going to learn how to stand on his own if he constantly has that safety net. He needs to do this for himself and living with you and H will not help.

Giiiiiiiirl....  DO NOT LET HIM IN!! 

You already know that's a nightmare waiting to happen.  

Unfortunately my own DS was this way (lazy/jobless/lots of excuses but no disrespect - because, hell no)... and it wasn't until I kicked him out for good (I teetered back and forth helping him for years) - that he finally got his shit together.

I promise you, this will not end well.

Also, re: the money for the house... tell him to take the money out of savings and repay you his half of the other bills and see how it shakes out.   LOL

"It has caused martial issues as he thinks I am not being supportive of his children."

It has nothing to do with not being supportive of his children. There is a difference between being supportive and enabling. This 23 year old shows no incentive, nor motivation, to be a responsible adult...and he IS an adult. He just wants to mooch off of others.

Not to mention, his disrespect, including stealing from you.

DH and I agreed a long time ago, that no other adult would live with us. It is very hard on a relationship, especially when the other adult is a disrespectful loser.

Don't relent and let him move in - or he will be a fixture forever. 

Yeaaaaah the "He is buying you a house" is bull crap. And he likely will never think of it any other way. I think I would have to add up exactly what you have spent on "us" bills and shove it up his scantimonious ass. Don't let him treat the $1400 in CS and alimony as an "us" bill either, that's all him. What a JERK. 

I think, since HE is the one that is adamant about having separate accounts, you should split everything equally. His son is living with you, so his share is going to be higher. Sounds like he wants things to "be separate", but seems like his idea of that leaves him in advantage. 

If it would help your case, put together a spreadsheet showing the household expenditures/savings for the years when your DH was saving for "his" house and next time he tells you "he's building you a house," sit him down with the spreadsheet and show him how that is not the case.  Because otherwise he's always going to view it as "his" house that he provided and he's going to feel like he's entitled to make decisions and be top dog because he is the one responsible for the house.  Remind him that you are a partnership, and that if you are not going to be a partnership when it comes time to making decisions about his kids moving in or who gets to call the shots because of how the downpayment for the house is made, you don't want the house or the ability to house adult children, because it will ultimately be more trouble than it's worth.

And then DO NOT allow the adult skid to move in.  He's given you many legitimate reasons to not want him living with you, and no good will come of allowing it.  If this ends up being a hill your husband wants to die on, you can rest assured another such hill will arise over his kids in the future and it will allow you can make a fully informed decision on what to do about that sooner rather than later.

Just say, sure he can move in DH! That's going to make it so much easier for us, what with SS paying 1/3 of the bills and mortgage and pitching in for chores! And then you can both laugh and laugh....

But for real, do not let this little leech move in with you. Nothing good will come out of it. But IF....IF, you do cave (don't cave) and allow him to move in, do it with a contract- SS must hold a job and pay X amount per month, SS contributes to chores by doing X, X, and X, SS follows house rules that are laid out in the contract, and SS is ONLY living there with the sole purpose to "get on his feet" and find an alternate living situation and must move out within X amount of months. This kid will be quite content to live with you forever with no motivation to do otherwise.

P.S. Your DH is being an ass. I just love the shock and anger that they try to pass off as justified when their wife doesn't *gasp* want their loser ADULT CHILDREN to move back in!!!

#dontlethimbackin

Why is there an argument between you and DH about letting SS move in? The argument should be between DH and SS about him getting a JOB and taking care of his own business. A decent father would be kicking a boot up the boy's a$$ to get him moving in the right direction, not enabling more of the same irresponsible behavior. 

Does your DH think his son will magically change? Haha, that's just delusional. When you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always gotten.

One more thing. If he can't pass a drug test to get a job, and he is still unwilling to make any changes, that tells me the drugs are more important than anything else in his life. That is the very definition of addiction. The very worst thing your DH can do is enable him to continue in his addiction.

Total all the household expenses.. including the Condo cost.. divide by an equitable ratio... if it is him and one other child and you alone.. he owes 2/3 of the bill.. then figure out whether he was better or worse off from the 1400 he paid for the condo.  If his share was more than he paid in.. then THAT is the amount that he put into savings that was "your contribution"... put it down in black and white.

As to his son.. I would just tell him he can move back with conditions.. first of which is that he is subject to drug testing.. random... and must pay his share of costs of the home.

Don’t do it. I’m afraid that sounds like a set up for drama. After dealing with adult skids I’m totally done. I can’t be within let’s see 50ft of them. The sight of mine makes me shake 

Please pay attention to these posts.  Not a single person had said anything but: “stop this now”.  Once he is in your house, he won’t leave.  It will make you upset every day and destroy your marriage.  (I speak from a lesson learned the hard way).

I am very concerned as well with DH’s attitude toward the purchase.  That he would say that to you not only foretells what you will deal with if SS is there,  it also indicates he has a poor idea of the reality of your financial arrangement- to say nothing of the concept of marriage being a partnership.

I would deal with SS issue immediately.  Them I would address his misconceptions.

There are many ways of supporting family without moving them in.  Moving someone in and giving them a soft place to land just takes the responsibility off their shoulders.  SS knows that he'll be able to bend the rules and get his way with dad.  It would be better to support him elsewhere and have him over for Sundays dinners and occasional visits so he can get on with his adult life. It's hard to adult when you're still living with your parents, you're still in that parent/child dynamic rather than building a life for yourself.  

I made the mistake of allowing jobless stoner adult ss move in and he did not want to leave. He felt entitled to being supported by his father. It about destroyed our marriage but ss had to go. There was no way I was working 40+ hrs a week then having to tiptoe through the living room because ss was passed out on the couch.  My conversation with Dh went like this, "I love you and support you supporting your son but he cannot live here. When you go to work in the morning he needs to go too. I will pitch in to pay for a short term stay hotel for him to get on his feet but he has to go."  DH dropped ss off at his sisters house he was kicking and screaming but he was out.  ss didn't talk to DH for months until he needed to borrow his truck LOL.  

My short answer is NO, do not let this happen.  

The issue I see is that you also have adult children and if you draw a hard line in the sand you coukd potentially be shooting yourself in the foot. 

My suggestion would be to discuss logistics. Not just say NO.  

For instance -

Any adult living in the home must have a full time job or be a full time student with a part time job. That person will pay all personal bills as well as contribute xyz financially and physically to the household. There is also a time limit on living at home (set that limit). Breaking any of these guidelines will result in child moving out in xyz amount of time.

Then you need to set your finances. Not necessarily change your payment arrangement but put together a spreadsheet of each our your salaries and then the bills you pay. Your DH's support comes right out as that does not pertain to you. Then divide each of the bills in half and set that as your contribution. What you want to get is the bottom line. What each of your are contributing. If the convo comes up about who pays for what just refer to your sheet. No convo needed.

In step life I feel like it is thinking smart. Too easy to argue around the issues. But when faced with facts minus the argument you can't go wrong. 

I have agreed to let my adult SS move back into the house twice and will NEVER again. While on a business trip, he stole my car (and got into an accident), brought all kinds of people into my house to smoke weed (and god knows what else), forged his father's name on a business check (and cashed it)... and I can go on with my rants, but it will not make any difference. My motto is that if I do something for him that he cannot do for himself that is called help, if I do something for him that he doesn't want to do for himself is called enabling. Unless he is physically or mentally disabled, that would prevent him to be able to procure food and shelter for himself, there is absolutely ZERO reason for an adult child to move back into a parent's home. Ask DH would it be OK if you two moved in with his parents and have them support you? Of course not, and there is no reason for his kids to do it either.

First it's doesn't matter where the money came from to put down on the home. It's joint, and if they are both on the deed it's very much legal. Don't move this freeloader in, and stand your ground OP. Let your husband know he's been enabled so much it's hurt him. Now he gets to stand on his own two feet. One thing we did agree to, no one get's to move into our home unless we BOTH agreed. Maybe you could take him to counseling to get these issues out.  If he doesn't want to hear it from you a counselor will enlighten him.

Time to smack DH about the head and shoulders with the facts.

* Build a spreadsheet showing the distribution of income Vs. bills and point out that the house cannot be built  without you covering the rest of the bills.  Make sure to point out that  you house him, feed him, he is warm and has water to shower with, and a car to drive because of you.

* A list of the SS's past behaviors and repeated failure to grow TF  up and launch.  You shouldn't have wired him the money when he ran out of gas half way home. They have menial jobs in any town that he could have done to fill his tank.

* Point out the crap DH's pulls that is must a parroting excercize of what SS pulls.  DH ought to really love that.

Minor children get parental and household support, reasonably behaved young adult children can get parental and household support if both partners in the household agree, toxic Prick moron semi adult children... get shit for nothing.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.