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Hateful stepson

stubby123's picture

Ive been wanting to share my story for some time.  I have an adult stepson who is a complete ass.  Ive been married for 33 yrs and the last 25 have been ridiculous where the SS is involved.  He lives out of state and comes to vivist his Dad maybe once or twice a year.  Over the past 25 years, he has left in a huff most of the time.  Seems its easier to count the good visits which are abour 5.  The last few visits SS has been mean, hateful and very disrespectful not only to me, but to his Dad.  The last visit, 2 years ago, he cursed me out like no tomorrow.  He was wanting to make some excuse and I said, bluntly, I really dont care. And boy did that set him off.  I really didnt care.  You see there was a party going on at his home, out of state, that me and my H were really not invited to.  The party was given by one of the grand daughters for her sister.  We never got any notification of the party, altho, I heard rumors that we were called. We didnt care because we were not going to go anyways.  Earlier in the day, we had just attended a funeral of a great nephew that died unexpectedly and personally, I was very disturbed by the ordeal.  My parents had recently died and I am still in grief.  I had already made my mind up from the last visist of the SS to just ignore him and not say a word to him since it seems what ever I say, he must disagree or make some sarcastic comment.  Well, that didnt pan out very well.  He lost his mind and cursed and cursed and said things I wouldnt say to a dog.  And he stormed off, not allowing either me or my H to say a word.  Off he took in his car heading back home out of state.  Both me and H were shocked and stunned.  SS came completely unglued.  Saying how mean I was and hateful and pathetic and no one likes me, his wife cant stand me and how ungrateful I am for all the gifts he brought me.  And on and on.  So, both me and H were in almost shock  Oh and the SS said he was never coming here again.That was the one thing that made me happy, no more crap from him.  It was totally uncalled for, unnecessary and childish on his part.  His Dad was appalled to say the lest. We never had a chance to say one word. 

Well time went on, this incident happened in 2019. Of course the SS siblings say, well thats just how he is.  Oh my gosh.  So we get some text apology, yep, he sent a text.  He Dad does not text and uses a flip phone and has no idea what a text really is.  His Dad is 86 yo and son is 60 yo.  Well, the text is sent to my phone, I read it to H and he has nothing to say.  Ignore it he says.  The text said he shouldnt have said those things, what, you did say those things.  Like we are just suppose to let it go.  Then Christmas comes and there is a card with another weak apology.  Never no mention of how to solve the problem. Just sweep it under the rug.  

I think he has plans to come down here to see his Dad and I really dont want anything todo with the SS at all.  I do not feel I should have to leave my house.  I have told my H that I want nothing to do with him and I will not interact with him at all.  My H said for me to be who I am and do what I need to do.  My H also said he would confront his son and tell him how his behaviior will not be tolerated. So I am trusting my H to do what needs to be done.  My H knows how this has affected me.  So that is my story and I had to share.  Truthfully I really dont care for any of his adult children but I do treat them with respect.  My heart is still very hurt from the SS actions.

Kes's picture

It's good that your DH is taking the attitude that he will take no shit from his son.  What I would do in your place is say that it's fine if SS wants to come and see his Dad (if DH is willing) but that you do not want him staying in your home or (depending on how you feel) even coming to your home.  SS could get a room in a nearby hotel and arrange to meet his father for a meal in a restaurant, perhaps.  In your place I would not be willing for someone who has verbally abused me to come and stay in my house.  

stubby123's picture

Oh the SS doesn't stay with us. That stopped some time ago when I removed the extra bed. My H doesn't drive due to vision problems. That is an idea I did have about having them meet off site. Thanks for listening.

stubby123's picture

Easier said than done. If there is another outburst or other unwanted behavior, SS will be told to leave.

tog redux's picture

Well, at 60, this SS is not going to change - at least your husband doesn't try to make excuses for him or blame you. 

I agree with the others that he can visit your husband someplace other than your home.  Not sure how active your husband still is (my mom is 87 and still golfing, so I don't want to assume your H is not active), but if he can, he should see his son outside of your home - maybe they can stay in a hotel or something. 

stubby123's picture

H made no excuses for the SS so that is one mark in favor. H was embarrassed again by his own son.