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Has anyone's skid changed their spots?

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD30 had first baby late last year.  Both SD and baby have had some health issues but it appears everything is now on the mend.  

Over the years, SD has been very neglectful of her father and his entire family (including her grandmother, aunts, cousins) and pretty much ignored them.  SD sees BM every day since she watches baby, and SD is in frequent contact with BM's family.  You know, the typical scenario where BM and her family are of utmost importance.

I must say that since the baby was born, SD has been a bit better about initiating contact with her dad.  She will send him photos or short videos from time to time.  This is a huge difference from pre-birth days where there would be zero contact unless my SO initiated it with her.

I disengaged a while ago and am polite when needed but otherwise don't ask about SD nor engage in long conversations about her.  She still has no contact with me, never has, and I'm fine with that.  It is what it is.  

So I was quite surprised to learn that SD, her hubby and the baby are tentatively planning a trip to visit my SO's family in the fall.  She reached out to one of SO's sisters (SD aunt) and told her of their plans.  She did not tell my SO of these plans but contacted the aunt directly.  Of course, being kind and generous people, they said they would be happy to see her, meet the husband and baby. 

It should be noted that both my SO and BM's families live overseas so I am quite sure the fundamental purpose of the trip is to visit BM's mother but they are tacking on some time to see SO's family, too.   I wouldn't be surprised if BM is also going to go with them but will go straight to her mother's house.  

I'm just wondering if it is possible that skid's can change their spots?  Not sure why SD has this sudden urge to connect with her father's family, especially when she hasn't even planned a trip to visit him here with the baby and he's just a few states away.  Am I missing something?



2Tired4Drama's picture

I was wondering why SD didn't tell her dad about the proposed trip to his family.  Now it's dawning on me.  She would probably love it if he would join them there as it would be just like "original family" days when they would visit his family together.  There's only one problem with that scenario.  Me.

Maybe she just hasn't figured out a way (yet) to ask him to go with but exclude me.   Maybe I should just make it easy for him and say, "I think it would be great if you could go over there with SD, hub and baby, and spend time together with your family."

I have zero interest in going.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

a solution that makes it easier for an a$$hole to be an a$$hole.

sandye21's picture

Not sure if Skids can change their spots.  Perhaps just an alternate justification for their actions.  No one can blame you for not wanting to go visit SD.  But - DH needs to know it's all about what what is good for you and the marriage now.   How do you feel about the possibility that BM will also be going?

2Tired4Drama's picture

I'd be willing to bet that the whole trip is nothing more than a two-country brag fest so others can bow at the altar of SD.  "Look at me!  Look at my big (dumb) husband!  Look at my beautiful baby!  Come, family, come worship me!" 

It's a new maneuver but same tactic.   

I am certain BM and her husband are going and I told my SO that.  I'm also sure BM won't go to his family's location, she'll go directly to her mother's home in an adjoining country where SD and clan will gather after the worshipping is over with my SO's family.  

I also told my SO that he is more than welcome to go and should plan for that actuality.  From a practical perspective it makes sense - he can see everyone at the same time.  

Being disengaged has helped.  Been in the "I dont give a sh!t stage." for awhile now.   

Where the challenge will come in is if my SO thinks I will change my mind and go along.  I will not.   The days of me being a passive audience member for SD have long ended.  

sandye21's picture

You seem to have yourself together and very clear in regards to your relationship with SD.  It is understandable that you would be concerned about a DH who assumes that because the 'demographics' have changed so have the 'dynamics'.  Not the case.  2tried, you STILL have justification for not going along.  Tell DH you would join him if SD approached you privately and asked you to go.  This way it appears you are 'taking the upper road', 'being the bigger person'.  You know this won't happen because it's obvious SD doesn't like you.  So you're safe as this places all responsibility on SD and DH.   LOL

2Tired4Drama's picture

Of having four generations of people from two families (some with language barriers) and trying to coordinate this visit!   Even if I actually liked SD I wouldn't want to go!  


advice.only2's picture

I don't know, I am curious about this myself, Spawn has reached out to DH after five years so I will be curious to see what comes of that.

I hope your DH does get invited so that he can at least meet his grandchild, and you could go have a nice spacation.  

2Tired4Drama's picture

Curious if you also have a grandskid in the mix, and if things have changed because of it.

My SO has met his grandchild, he was there right after he was born.  But SD has made no mention of coming here for a visit.  I think it's because now she has the grand plan to travel overseas she will need to save up her vacation time.  And I also think that if she can find a convenient way to avoid me, she will.    

Naturally, going overseas to visit BM's mother is going to be a priority over coming down and seeing her own father.  


advice.only2's picture

No grandskids at this point, but I fear the day Spawn realizes she can use that weapon against DH.

Rags's picture

Nope, spots tend to be a permanent condition.  SD may just be parading the new baby and fishing for amazing mom points from DH's family as she parades the baby to her BM and that part of her family.


2Tired4Drama's picture

Rags, I think you've created a new acronym!  I like it.  Used in context, "The self-absorbed young woman paraded her baby among the crowd simply to garner AMPs." 

Steptotheright's picture

Depends what day I catch them on. Like my youngest SS. He's not much for talking about school or saying hi and bye, and he postures like a feral peacock idiot wherever he goes. But.... If I go and watch him play his game and ask questions pertaining to the game.  He opens up more. Question is, do I feel like being a freaking saint just to have a conversation after being snubbed all day?

2Tired4Drama's picture

If he's not an adult yet there may be a sliver of hope.  I'm talking about an ADULT here, who is married with a kid.  

Steptotheright's picture

My youngest SS is 16 in November. 

I have "adult" SC as well. Though they sure don't act like it.

Maxwell09's picture

No. She hasn't changed her spots. If anything, she now has the "BM" gene that makes her double check her local resources for her new spawn. Double the family, double the gifts; keep lines of communication open equals keeping opportunities (like staying abroad with paternal family for free while visiting maternal family also abroad) wide open. She hasn't told your DH because she doesn't want him to offer to tag along bc that would make playing the estranged daughter while he's sitting there a lot harder. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

But I don't think she can play estranged daughter with my SO's family - they are all too aware of how she ignores people as they've been on the receiving end of it for some time and it has distressed them.  They are kind people, though, so will welcome her on a visit nonetheless.  

SacrificialLamb's picture

When my OSD gave birth, she expected everyone to bow to her as if she had achieved something no one else had ever done.  The sainted SD now had royal spawn. Then she started complaining that her baby was getting more attention than her.

It doesn't take long for some skids to realize they have the perfect weapon for manipulation.......they can withhold their kids from the grandparents if they don't get what they want.  

I would not suggest anything to your SO; let him sort it out. I used to make suggestions and then I would come to resent it. So I stay out of it, and everything is peaceful now.  I am far down the disengagement route now and I love it.

You will know in time if your SD has softened. But my hunch is she is going to visit your SO's family for a gift grab, to show off, and to avoid you.

sandye21's picture

Oh yes!!  The gift grab!!!  Now it makes more sense why she would want to visit SO's family.  In some countires they make a big deal of Mothers and babies.  I agree - let SO sort it out.

Sacrificial, "Then she started complaining that her baby was getting more attention than her."  Do you think she might be a narcissist?  (just kidding)  LOL LOL

2Tired4Drama's picture

You know, I'm willing to bet the day will come along (maybe after a couple of years) that SD will realize she's been one-upped by her own kid, who is a person in his own right.  People will be asking about baby, how he's doing, how he's growing, etc. and SD won't be the center of attention anymore.  

It will be interesting to see how that will play out.  

But I don't think this is a gift-grab trip, per se.  She certainly won't get anything from SO's family - they are of moderate means.  It's BM's mother who holds the purse strings with significant money so that is where the time and attention will be focused.  

(And SD held her own baby shower, where she amassed 150+ gifts off her register.)


SacrificialLamb's picture

She meets each one of the criteria for NPD. I've never met someone as off the charts as she is.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I had a dream last night that one of my SO's kids had changed. The dream literally was that we all ate breakfast without drama. He then put his bowl in the sink and went to play. 

A little off topic i know. It just amazes me how much stepparents have to put up with and how little it would take to make life tolerable. And a drama-free breakfast is probably, in fact, too much to ask. 

Eve-Bee's picture

No, I do not think so, in my experience with narc SD20, she does not change. However, her circumstances change, which affects her behavior, like when she has found a new person to get supply from and freeload off, then she is not so perpetually present in our home. 

I think the only way a person can change is if they are motivated by having to face the negative consequences of their personalities alone over time. I still think it is like hoping for a miracle, though.

shamds's picture

at her baby. I mean why now does she suddenly care about this aunt if she basically said eff iff to them. Coming there with husband and child in tow doesn’t erase the decades or years of shitty years she treated them and ended contact

2Tired4Drama's picture

I'm no expert on narcissim (and am not qualified to state with certainty that SD is one) but she sure as hell acts like one.  Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck etc.

It's a wonder to me that people continue to fall for her antics.  What is it about their personalities that continues to draw people in???  Is it because some people are simply naive to their facade of charm?  I can't imagine why the aunt is rolling out the welcome wagon for SD but she is.  

ldvilen's picture

Abuse can range from the improper use of something up to regularly treating a person or animal with cruelty or violence.  Even looking at the lowest form of abuse, which is the improper use of something, the way I look at it is, if you’ve been abused by someone for years, you’ve been “improperly used” as a scapegoat for years, let’s say, if that person a time or two or even 10 times suddenly starts using you correctly (they start being polite, treating you as dad’s wife), what would be evident to make you think that from that point on, you’d be properly used all the time in the future?

Answer: Absolutely nothing would.  And, did this person apologize, have a come to Jesus moment, let both you and your DH know they were in the wrong, AND let you know they were going to make amends for it?  Probably not, and even if they did, what is your incentive to chance going on that roller coaster ride again?  The parenteral unconditional love is not there.  You may have had much one-sided love for them at one time (that you thought was 2-sided), but after years you let it go and let it rest, and found some sort of peace perhaps.  So, why 5, 10, 15+ years down the road, would you want to even go back there?

It is not to say that SMs cannot be forgiving, it is just the incentive is just not there or has long since dissipated.  What is going to be YOUR big pay-off for opening your heart up again for, what will probably be, another rip-off of the century?  Sure, maybe, just maybe, it will make your DH happy, but back then you were sucking it up to make your DH happy and where did that get you?

I know there are some SMs who say, I stuck it out 10, 15, 20+ years and finally! I have some kind of pay off.  Finally, the grandkids call me grandma and SD smiles when she comes over.  I always think, really!?  That was worth 10, 15, 20+ years of ghosting, abuse, and lack of appreciation?  I don’t think so.  Hard to put a price on one year of peace much less years and years and years of peace.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Overall, these types of situations for SM's are nothing but a horrid investment of time, money and energy.  If it were the stock market or for booking odds in Vegas, no one would lay down a penny since the returns are virtually nonexistant. 

It's like Bernie Madoff coming around again and claiming he has a great investment for you - who in their right mind would write him a check??

ldvilen's picture

Thank you for so nicely putting the life of a SM into a couple of concise, well-written sentences.  Love this: "If being a SM was on the stock market or booking odds in Vegas, no one would lay down a penny since the returns are virtually nonexistent."  Truer than most would ever care to think.  

Everyone should bookmark this page because a lot of people here are bluntly telling it like it is, and it is absolutely hilarious in addition to being so true!

MissTexas's picture

not doubt me on this; there's some "pay off" for SD to reach out to DH at this point and time, especially if she never bothered all throughout her pregnancy.

Self-serving strategies may change, but permanent spots do not.

Same shit, different toilet.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

In my experience, skids' (and particularly female ones) spots don't change, but their WANTS do.

Your SD is now a parent, so she likely has realized the positive things having extended family can offer a child. She hasn't changed, but the lens she sees through has. Still running an agenda and all about herself and her child, who is an extension of her.

We've been estranged from my Dh's younger daughter since 2005. She even told people her father had died of brain cancer to excuse his absence from her life and garner sympathy.

She's in her mid thirties now, and it's only been since she had a kid and found a dummy to marry her that she reached out to DH. First, she wanted him to walk her down the aisle. About two years after that, she texted DH again, dangling the child as bait, saying she wants her child to have her granddaddy in her life. No meaningful desire for reunification or apology for her horrendous behavior, no attempt to make amends, just an attempt at manipulation because the mother in her recognizes that her child is missing out and wants an instant grandpa.

sandye21's picture

"In my experience, skids' (and particularly female ones) spots don't change, but their WANTS do."  It's still about them and their spots.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Your SD actually said her father died of brain cancer???  How in the world did he respond to that?  I can't imagine what people thought when they found out it wasn't true.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My H's younger daughter is a habitual liar who weaves tapestries of lies that she often gets tangled up in. I suspect she has BPD.

YD has also claimed to have breast cancer, and a specific autoimmune disease. Meddling SIL, who actually DOES have the disease, questioned her about it, and YD even named the specialist who was supposedly treating her. Surprise! He was also the Meddler's doctor, so it was easy to find out he had no patient with the name of Younger Daughter.

Most of DH's family pays her lip service but gives her a wide berth.

2Tired4Drama's picture

SO talked to his sister (SD's aunt) today and got more information.  Evidently SD, husband and baby are indeed going to spend the bulk of their time with BM's mother.  (I called that one right!)   They will spend several days with my SO's family in his country first.

Here's where I get annoyed and don't understand the family's thinking.  I know this is their granddaughter, niece, cousin.  But she has nothing to do with any of them.  Couldn't even bother to go to her paternal grandfather's funeral although she did for BM's father and spent a week afterwards, too.  

Auntie told my SO they are still cramped for space and so they have OFFERED to pay for a hotel for SD & clan.  SD is a trust fund baby and has much more money than anyone in SO's family, as well as earning about three times as much in her professional career.   When my SO and I visit we've always paid our own lodging while there.  

My SO is stumped (and a bit mad) about this because he thinks their offer is way too generous, and is crazy considering SD's income.  

Here's the best part - SD still hasn't even contacted my SO to let him know of her grand plans to visit HIS family!

I just don't understand why people (his family) don't see through her and are blowing trumpets and throwing rose petals at her feet.  I guess they figure a couple of days to worship her is a great opportunity.



Rags's picture

Its all about the AMPs!

It is sad and a little of a lot pathetic that your extended IL clan is wallowing in this pathetic semi-adults fan club.

2Tired4Drama's picture

SD will plug in anywhere she can get AMPs!  (AMP = Amazing Mom Points ... per Rags!)



piegirl's picture

I smell a rat....I don't think leopards change their spots ever. Of course if it were prefaced by a skid organised meeting full of apologies and realisations that would be different (dare to dream eh?)

Old sm's picture

Yes, they can.  SD was quite the mouthy tramp as a teenager but once she got out on her own and had to support herself, she matured and is now quite a wonderful, responsible adult.  Our relationship is much better. Plus, she's dating a man with a child and crazy ex so now she's getting a taste of what she put me through so she's much more appreciative of me now.

ldvilen's picture

Well. . . maybe that is a SM's only hope--that her SD winds up in a situation similar to hers and gets equally screwed--only then that SK can feel the burn, when someone else is giving it to them rather than them dishing it out.