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H Has Been Served and I Am Having a Hart Timne Today

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

H was finaly served last Friday.  He hase-mailed to my lawyer and told him he doesn't want this divorce and just what can be done to stop it.  As H put it, all chldren out of divorced families have problems.  Umm, H, NO.  THAT is not so.  My DD is a chld from a divorce (her father and I split when she was in 1st grade).  She has turned out well.  Good marriage, 2 degrees, great career and NORMAL grandchildren.  When I say that I don't meann perfect, none of us is.  But she isn't bat sh*t crazy, vindictive, mean, self-centered and you all know the rest.  H's other 2 children are doing fine.  I haven't spent tons of time with them, but what I have has been good.  But, that was the same with Twit, she SEEMED okay until we moved closer to her.

Today I am a weepy mess.  My stomache has been churning for the last two days and....well, you can imagine.

I find myself thinking that what could have been done was for him to have actually, solidly stood up to Twit against me.  Not let the carp go on and let me defend myself, while saying nothing.  Then, when I pointed out to him what occured tell me, "Yeah, I heard that and didn't like it".  BUT, he never stood up for me or told the Twit that she couldn't do that to me.  

In fact, many times he would get on my case telling me to ignore the attacks and insults etc. and that I was being small if I called her on it.  I remember the first time I came to this board when Twit told H that I called her a liar (which I never did) and she ran to him crying and demanding that he set me straight.  He did.  Didn't talk to me the weekend, told me I owed the freak an apology etc.

Reading the situation which lead up to that I should have left then.  That was right after she made this big thing about having sent me a Mother's Day card inf ront of H (which really pleased H).  When I said I never received anything from her she went on to tell me that I must have ACCIDENTALLY thrown it out or I was lying.  It wasn't the card, it was the getting in my face that teed me off.

So, H wanted us to straighten it out.  Okay, then it was that it probably got lost in the mail, blah, blah, blah.  Then, for stome straing reason she comes up with the interesting tidbit that she would have invited me over for dinner BUT she can't afford itl.  She started going on about how I DEMAND she serve me steak etc.   Folks it was surreal.  I am not a big red meat person at all and H knows it.  When we left, DH said he wasn't happy with what she said but that was it.  I remember that so well because when we got home she called and started in on me.  I stopped her and let her have it tellling her that IMHO she has no concern for anyone but herself (she had proved that in her actions with her father, ignorning him on Father's Day and then calling 3 days later saying how she FORGOT, walking out on us after inviting us over, and the list goes on..  Saying that to her is what caused her to run up to our house crying to H that I had called her a liar.

What I emphasie is that H backed her up, not me.  I was always being told to be BIG about it, suck it in.

H should have told that cretin years back that she was nutz.  The late night phone calls, the suicide ploys, the problem she had with medical doctors, and let us not forget Drunkie, Fatso and whatever the 3rd one is.

My attorney is not the kind that enflames divorce situations to keep them going.

I know this is long and a repeat, but let us not foget the insulting GARBAGE gifts, the trying to get things from me free, the stealing from me (where I was told by H to just let it go and not make a big deal about it!).  Anytime she was around you had to count the silver and check out your jewelry box.  Seriously!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Point being here, is that my counselors have said that this was going to come out in one BIG wave and I think it is starting.  For the last two days my stomach has been in knots, I want to throw up, I feel like I just want to break down and bawl but still won't let myself.

At the same time, I am angry, angry at H that he didn't take that cretin in hand a long time ago.  Lots of adult children grew up in divorced family and didn't turn out crazy.

Keep in mind, this is the cretin that accused her stepfather of getting out of line with her.  This, of course, lead to her Biomother divorcing him.  The charges she made back then were found to be untrue.  It is just one of the reasons the rest of them having nothing to do with her.  Apparently, that is when she was send to live with H.

She lies about everyone and everything.  One simply, IMHO cannot have someone around who you can't belive or trust in any way.

Oh, in the letter my attorney send me, he also said H has had no contact with TWIT since she changed her phone number back when, and doesn't want to hear from her again.

My head is spinning and my stomache churning....

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Note something I wrote in my opening,  about when he had that talk with her, and me, about that damn Mother;s Day card.  I told you that when we left he said he didn't like what she had to say.  But what I left out was that right before that he said:  You two are alike.  I remember being shocked by that because I am nothing like Twit at all.  But that was to minimize what had happened to me.  Actually it was putting me down.

SteppedOut's picture

Too bad he doesn't want a divorce. (Keep in mind he is also still insisting you are "wrong".)

Let your attorney handle this, he has no choice, he can't make you stay married to him. 

Aniki's picture

That asshat. Honey, I am SO sorry. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Please tell your attorney in no uncertain terms - if he does not already know - that the divorce is to go ahead. PERIOD. He cannot stop it. It WILL happen. I'm sorry he feels the need to prolong this BS. 

hereiam's picture

He could have stopped this from happening a long time ago but he chose not to.

He says he doesn't want to hear from her but that is different than actually standing up to her. If he were to hear from her, would he be strong enough to turn her away? I doubt it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

No, he wouldn't stand up to her.  He would evade the issues as he tends to do when it cncerns her.  When she made complaints about me he certainly had mo problems putting it in my face, but Twit has to be carefully handled so as not to upsetthe cretin.

Wonder if he has made contact back with her?  Well, actually don't because it is no longer my problem.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Forgive all my misspelling.  Hard to see what I am keyboarding through the tears.   No, nothing is going to change.

WHWI, the problem seems to be that he could not accept the fact that Twit was bat sh*t crazy and expected me to go along with her abusive.  After all, her husband and babies do.  And so does he, though he claims otherwise.

Same, the Twit drove her BioMom's husband away (she never remarried after that) and now Twit has done the same to me.  I mean, H, get a CLUE.  Trust me, she is going to break up her one son's marriage as well...just give her time.  After all, these people are HERS.

Aniki's picture

Well, boo hoo, stbxH. Call the waaaaaahm-bulance. Too little, MUCH too late. IMO, one of his problems is that he cannot deal with the FACT that HE is partially responsible for how Twit turned out. I repeat: the asshat.

You deserve SO much more than this weak man and his toxic offspring. I wish I could put his sack in a vise until he signs those papers and frees you. 

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As I understand it, back when Twit made the false claims against her biomother's husband, and they were found to be bogus, she was not wanted back in the biomom's house.  The Biomom wanted nothing more to do with her.  She was going to go into fostercare until H stepped in and agreed to take her.  THAT has proven to be the wrong move by him time and again.  Not only did Twit breat up her biomom's marriage, but ours as well.  Give her time, folks, she will do nb the son's marriage as well.  After all sonny boy is HER'S.

I mean when you look at just that track record you can see there is something very,very wrong.

Unfortunatley, I knew nothing about the false charges etc. before I married H or for 25 years after I married him!  It was hidden from me.

SacrificialLamb's picture

The issue is not that all children of divorce have problems, as he claims. The problem is he did nothing to stop Twits attacks on you, and if there was a problem between the two of you, he backed her up rather than you.  He also showed that his first concern was his own comfort, asking who was going to take care of him, if I remember that correctly. 

I am sorry you are feeling like crap now. It will get better soon!

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) sweetie.

You did everything you could.  Everything.  You stepped away because there was nothing more you could do, and there still isn't. 

I'm so sorry you're hurting,  but this is the right decision.

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I wish I could give you a big hug, SDM. This is the sticky part, the point of no return, but you're going to be okay. You're doing what you have to do.

Your ex let you down repeatedly. He failed to protect you from his mentally ill and toxic daughter. He put his own comfort above yours, and wanted you to drink the Kool-Aid so he could be happy. Once you knew you couldn't count on him you lost respect for him, and no amount of counseling could change that. It seems he still doesn't understand or take responsibility for failing you. That doesn't give you anything to work with, so you're moving forward. 

You are an inspiration! You're demonstrating that a woman doesn't have to put up with dysfunction, and that healthy change is possible in every season of our lives. Sharing your story here has done a world of good, and you can move forward with your head held high. 

 

 

Aunt Agatha's picture

You've got this.  It's one day at a time.  Have the lawyer stop sending you your STBxs whining.  Itll help create a bit of a separation.

hugs!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Attorney is obligated to let me know what is going on etc.  Attorney knows where I stand.  Attorney is a old friend of my SIL (college, frat., etc.)  As he said at the beginning, he always hates to see a marriage end, but in my case this was abusive...mentally and at least one time physically by Twit.

Ah, remember that time she tried to hip bump me to fall over.  When I got away from her I told H.  He's response?  And I quote him, "she shouldn't have done that".  BUT he never confronted her about almost deliberately knocking down.  Guess I was to treat that type of behavior from her as normal.

Aunt Agatha's picture

I didn't realize he was obligated to tell you.  
 

It's truly been never ending for you.  Until now.  I'm so very sorry you are going through this.  Just don't forget you.  Self care right now is so important.  

susanm's picture

Attorney is obligated to let you know what is going on as in "Husband is still attempting to stall.  I suggest this course of action."  Not giving you chapter and verse of what he is saying to beg and plead to stop the divorce when it is not possible to be stopped.  Tell him that you do not want to hear anything other than what is legally relevant and that if you ever want to see the "emotional trash" that your H sends him that you willl ask for a copy of the file to read at your leisure.  Some distance and lack of heartrending emotional blackmail will go a long way toward your healing.  He had his chance and he blew it.  He doesn't get to keep torturing you through sad letters to your atty.

hereiam's picture

As H put it, all chldren out of divorced families have problems. 

See how he is STILL minimizing and justifying Twit's issues? The woman is mentally ill, not just a bratty child of divorce. There is a BIG difference. He couldn't force her to get help, once she was an adult, but he could have, and should have, shielded you from her crazy.

You gave this marriage many chances, gave HIM many chances to make a different choice and have a different outcome. Should you live the rest of your life wondering when Twit is going to get through that crack? How can you trust him to protect you when he chose not to, all of these years?

This is ALL his doing. Yes, Twit did what she did but he kept opening that door and letting her into your life and marriage. Her and her crazy.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, that they have put you through this. But, I am so glad that you have the support system that you have.

Cry if you need to cry, scream if you need to scream. Write it all out on here, like you are doing, and know that we are here to "listen".

((hugs))

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You are so right, hereiam.  Minimizing me and making Twit's behavior sound normal.

Every one around Twit is expected to accept her as she is.  And she tells you she EXPECTS unconditional love!

She has kept her adult boys tied to her by keeping them dependant on her.  Giving Drunkie booze so he continued to have a problem and had to rely on her.  Now he is in prison.  Hope she visits him, but I doubt not.  Letting Fatso balloon to 400+ lbs for the same reason and keep him dependant on her because, looking like Big Foot, he isn't going far in the job market.  FWIW, he once told us, in front of her, that he wanted to apply for management training in the food chain he is a stock clerk (they doln't let him check out often as, looking like Big Foot, he scares customers).  I advised him to get a haircut, trim his beard etc. start wearing clothes that show you know how to dress to move up the ladder.  What did Twit tell him?  Not to bother, he doesn't have the disposition for it.  Wowzer, what a wack to the ole self-esteem (what little the guy has).  After that he never bothered, at 36 he is still just a stockboy.  Sad.

Merry's picture

I am sad with you, SDM. But you're at this point for a reason. Your idiot H could have taken you seriously at any point over the last few years, but he chose not to. Now, only when HE is hurting and upset, is he paying attention to what you need.

My ex did the same. Only AFTER I filed for divorce did he start to take me seriously, despite all the years of me telling him why I was unhappy. WAY too late.

You didn't get what you needed in a marriage and in a partner, and it is sad. This part is really hard, but it gets better and you'll be stronger and happier as you settle in to your new normal.

ChzyBob20's picture

Stop crying. He is doing these things deliberately to wear you down and break your spirit. Stand up straight, dry your tears. Go NO CONTACT with your abusive ex. Let your attorney deal with it. Live your life, play with your grandchildren.

I believe deep down you are a b!tch and you have to let the b!tch out. She will keep your strong through this upsetting ordeal.

Your ex has no leverage over you anymore; he is having a Narc fit that you had the courage to end the terrible marriage. It doesn't matter if he won't agree to the divorce; it's not 1792! Too bad, so sad, Buddy.

 

sandye21's picture

I agree with hereiam.  DH is STILL minimizing and justifying Twit's issues.  He doesn't want the divorce and wonders what can be done to save it?  In all the years that you were tormented by Twit's craziness, how many times did he look you in the eye and sincerely say the words, "I'm sorry."  How many times has he said, "I will never allow Twit to do this to you again"?  How often did he treat you like he owed it to you to protect you?  My guess is he never has and never will say these things.  He wants to save the marriage, not so he can prove how much he loves you but for his own comfort.

You are going through the stages of grief and this is the final stage in the death of a bad marriage.  That's what the BIG wave is about.   It's like grieving over the death of parent who rejected you and was abusive.  There are all sorts of mixed up feelings.  Mostly you are grieving for what you never had.  For the dream that never was.  And that is what is so sad, you didn't share the same dream.

You mentioned that there was a time earlier on in the marriage when you should have left.  Please don't beat yourself up for this.  You were merely a good person, hoping for the best. 

You and your words have touched our hearts.  We cry along with you, by your side.  Please take care of you.  You deserve it.  (((HUGS)))

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye you just hit on a point that I have been thinking about deeply tonight.  All the time she did, said etc. those nasty, cruel things to me he never, ever said I'm Sorry she is doing this to you and I will stop it, etc.  As I read my journal I can see that what really happened is that when she acted out on me, for whatever reason, his general response was to get angry at me because she acted out on me!  I don't know if I explained that right, but I think you know what I mean.

When she acted out on me, him, or any one else, he didn't want to face it but would make it my problem.  That I should be big about it, ignore it, oh, she didn't mean it that way.  The h*ll she didn't.  Twit gets great pleasure out of hurting people, you know that by the look in her eyes....she enjoys it.  This while at the same time she starts to cry her crocadile tears watching carefully to see she gets the response she wanted from H, her husband, etc.

She goes after everybody and anybody, especially if she gets envious or feels inferior because she doesn't have the best, the most expensive, etc.  Heck, this is a woman who just has, barely, a high school education with no ambition ever to learn anything else.  Nothing wrong with just a high school education as long as you have an interest in the world, what is going on, people, etc., that is all continued learning.  Twit loves only herself and if it doesn't make her feel like the greatest thing since sliced bread she will go after you with no  mercy.  And if you halt her in her tracks, as I have done on occasion, she will run bawling to Daddee or her husband and spewl all kinds of lies about what happened.

She has no qualms about stealing, lying to get what she wants, etc. but then loves to tell you, and any one who will listen how sanctimonious she is.  She doesn't belong, or even attend a Church because she doesn't believe in tithing or giving anythingl.

As for stories, sigh, I cannot even tell you how many times she has contradicted herself in what she is saying and when I ask for clarification, for understanding, H would jump in and defend her acting like I am stupid.

Perhaps his problem is that he can't handle the fact that she is a loon and I know it and won't stand for her BS.  But that is not my problem....shouldn't have been back then and certainly is not now.

CLove's picture

Please go to a good therapist after all this is done!

You have been victimized by not one but TWO narcissistic sociopathic disordered people!!!! Im so sorry you are going through this, but so glad that you are getting out. Its never too late to start a new life.

Your soon to be ex sounds as disordered and mentally ill as his spawn.

advice.only2's picture

I'm so sorry, I can't believe that he's still insistant you stay together...I mean you moved away and filed for divorce...maybe he's as big a nut job as Twit.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I don't know what he thinks and I don't care.  The breaking point, for me, was when we were in a joint counseling session where the couselor thought we would be able to make it.  I brought up about how scared I was of Twit and he popoed me, saying there was nothing wrong it was me.  When I said something else he yuelled at me:  "That's MY daughter you are talking about".  It was about one of the strange instances that I have had to endure from her.  That was it, we were going no where. I got up and walked out of the session.  I was DONE.

ONe thing I know he didn't like was me bringing up some of the general run of the mill carp I put up with, which is anything but NORMAL.  I am to put up with it because he didn't want any one to know what she does, says and acts towards me.  BUT, it was obviously OKAY for her to do that to me without him stopping her or firmly putting her in her place.  I am talking about things that are not normal, don't make sense etc. and are as scary as can be when you witness them.  At times, and I know I have said this, I felt like I was hunted in that she was watching my every move etc.  She was, she was looking for buttons to push.  I figured that out so I would keep a straight face in front of her - which teed her off and she would be really mean.  H would just sit there and let her go off on me BUT if I put her in her place, then she would cry and H would go after me.

Nope, not going back to crazyville.  Right now I feel he is dellusional in that he refuses to see her for what she is.  Everyone else does.  She has no friends because once people catch on they leave her alone.  She bad mouths everyone that doesn't buy her pots and pans.  We are losers according to her.  She will never pay you or anyone a compliment but will go to great lengths to get you to notice whatever she wants to show off.  She is EMPTY.  She has no real core for life, it is all about her, what she has, how so and so is so terrible (and she has actually gone as far as calling the DCS on a coworker (she knew nothing about) strictly because she and this one boss were angry that the man had given his notice!   I will never forget her laugh and justification about how that was going to mess up his new job.  THIS is the kind of thing she does.  VICIOUS!

And like she did with H and I regarding the Baby's wedding.  Trust me, it was all her that made that situation the nightmare that it was.  H kept hoping until he found out he wasn't wanted.  It later came out that it was really Twit that was just playing games.  So then SHE gets mad (yep, foaming at the mouth) because H didn't go.  I mean it all gets so confusing no one knows what is what, and that is just the way she likes it.

Let him deal with crazy on his own.  Perhaps he will have an awakening, a real lawakening, into just what has been going on for years.  Because, trust me, and I will be the farm on this, Twit is going to do nothing for him as he ages except throw him into a home and perhaps, if he is lucky, call him at Christmas.  You see, there is nothing in it for her.  I am wondering if maybe that is what is on his mind?  He is afraid..  Well so was I.  Old age is not easy by any means.

At least I know that as I continue to age, I am loved and cared for by my family.  This is how family should feel.

Gawd, as I pour that out of my soul it sounds so awful, but it is factual.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Birds of a feather......  He, too, enables her in what she does.  Also, I have some suspicions on other things, but they are just that suspicions.  Let's say families don't turn out with all losers without something going on inside.  It would not be unusual to get a bad apple, but all the apples don't come out strange.

Shen I say secretive there were strange things.  Like the fact that her husband never dirves, always lets her do the driving.....especially at night.  Also, I was surprised to find out that he was a big drinker too.  I observed him put a whole bottle of wine away by himself while not saying a word to anyone!  Everyone at that "family gathering" acted like this was NORMAL.  When I said something about it to H he told me that Twit says her husband is a big drinker.  As I say, birds of a feather.....

Strange thing is that he seems a lot more normal than she does.  Often wonder if she is the reason he drinks.

Have also served wine and had her bloviate how she can't drink it because of something in wine that gives her splitting headaches (it begins with an f but I don't recall what it is right now).  Then watch as she downs SEVERAL full glasses of wine.  Now, if wine gives you headaches, why drink it?  Now when I look back I recall that he always had a LARGE cabinet full of various liquors/beer, etc.  The Story was that he collected various liquor brands, etc.

I mean, I love shrimp scampi but it doesn't like me.  So, rather than suffer with the enevitable heartburn etc., I just don't eat it.  That is just common sense.

With her it is like someone saying it hurts when they hit themselves in the head with a hammer, but they do it anyway.  Go figure.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I recall that at a certain point in your Twit experience, my opinion of her H shifted from pity to disgust. I stopped seeing him as her long suffering,  overworked H and realized he was an enabling coward who had shirked his responsibility as a father. He had a duty to save his sons from the damaging effects of their mentally ill mother; instead he used them as a meat shield and saved himself, using his job as a place to hide. They are all sick together, and the H has likely become alcoholic as a coping mechanism.

I find it interesting that one person's mental health issues can have an injurious effect on other family members, and spouses particularly. It's as if the mentally ill person's spouse gets sucked under and becomes a partner/enabler of the illness. The couple who own the property across the road from me have such a relationship. She is a hoarder of both things and animals, and also a shopaholic. Over the years, her H has stopped trying to fight it and now he hoards, too. They no longer live in their home, instead staying with their married daughter (who is also a shopaholic). The H come by daily to feed the warehoused animals. The sickness has won.

Indigogo's picture

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but it's given me some insight into how these things can turn out and makes me realise we have to set boundaries now for SDs. They're only 11 and a lot of the time they're nice enough girls and we've felt like a family. But Twit sounds just like their mother,  I'm not sure how possible it is for children to be brought up by someone like that and not become unpleasant. Hopefully if we set strict boundaries and reward them for being nice we might be able to teach them a better way to live.

 

Thank you for sharing xx

somethingwicked's picture

Shut  down that the sob storysh!t show that your H is spewing and continue to  ignore him,SDM.

I understand your tears ~they are of anger,frustration and ,too,the lost dream of havng a partner that you could love,respect, trust and depend upon in all the remaining  years. But he showed who and what he really is and wherehis allegiances lay..with that insane narc,Twit.

He BLEW it .Too  many times in too many  years you were a victim of   the  crazy scary Twit Trick circus  and  he allowed it~  and continued to have you be exposed to her while he ignored her antics and YOUR pain and tried to make you believe that you imagined  the living nightmare.

He is a gaslighter and he is cruel.Now he will see only too well what a wonderful future with a fine woman that he lost when he decided to stand with that insane, cruel,narcissistic sociopathic evil daughter he spawned. No excuse for him now.

Too little too late. 

You stay clear of him and continue to  heal in the love of your good daughter,family and friends. And thank you for showing  STers stuck in a similar holding pattern of emotional abuse that it is possible to gain one's freedom and how it is NEVER too late to break away from the stranglehold of dysfunctional people and circumstances  and fly off into a new ,bright day.

Give rose

lala-land's picture

Madam...Try to get twit and her past behavior out of your head. This current situation is about your husbands behaviour. Your husband is demonstrating that he only cares about himself.  He does not care one iota about your wants and needs.  If he did, he would be approaching this situation in a much different manner.  It would serve you well to focus on your DH current behavior rather than past wrongs.  He is not behaving like someone who wants a marriage partner, but he is acting like a manipulative bully (much like his daughter...I must add).  Good luck, and try to focus on the present.

sandye21's picture

SDM has PTSD.  She was traumatized by a SD who was mentally ill and a DH who failed to protect her.  In fact, he actually encouraged SDM to move closer to his daughter, knowing that she had serious issues, showing a general disregard for SDM's welfare.  The SD inflicted deep emotional wounds.  SDM was left to defend herself single-handedly.  She was outnumbered and overwhelmed.

It takes a long time in a non-threatening environment for people with PTSD to gain complete clarity of the past.  If this is interrupted by a reminder of the trauma, it will trigger a vivid replay of the horrific past in the form of a flashback.  After being in a warm cocoon of love and safety, provided by her family, SDM's 'persecutor' appeared and all of the years of trauma flooded back..

I agree, most of the damage was done by DH who betrayed her, but the emotional bombs thrown by her SD were more irrational and intense, so they seemed to have more impact than the sick man with the trigger, who stood on the sidelines.

I have to tell you from personal experience that it takes a long time to separate the 'bomb' from the 'trigger'.  It will take a while.  As time goes on, SDM's conversation about Twit will fade, but the feeling of betrayal from DH will intensify.  THEN she can deal with the real problem and move on.  It just takes time.

There are a few things people say which do not help a person with PTSD.  In fact, they may even be a reminder of the betrayal, or lack of support they felt at a certain time, thereby setting off unwanted emotions and delaying the healing process.  Things like,.  "Get over it!"  "You're too sensitive."  "Don't think of the past" or not validating their experience   A person who is battling PTSD appreciates compassion and understanding.

 

Rags's picture

Deep breaths SDM......

Keep all interface with STBXH through your attorney.  Any time he calls your attorney, have her bill HIM for the call.

Any little antic that STBXH plays will be traumatic for you.  You are recovering from years of torturous stress that will take time and effort for you to get past.  Don't be any harder on yourself than necessary.

Tell your attorney to expedite the divorce as much as possible while protecting your financial interests.

You are doing great.  Keep your head in the game and do what you have to do to protect yourself.

No doubt STBXH is panicking.  But that is not your problem any longer.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Thanks, Rags.  THAT I am.  I guess H wanted to speak to me, then he wanted to send me a letter.  Attorney said NO.

The latest on the divorce is that he is not gong to contest it or much of it, so it is just getting all the paperwork done and then filed.

BellaMemawof5's picture

Divorce is horrible whether we are the ones choosing to initiate the divorce or not.  I'm sending prayers and love your way.  Please know you're doing the right thing.  this husband of yours isn't a man in my opinion.  More a sniveling coward who is very abusive himself.  Sound like he and twit feed off each other and you're stuck in the horrible middle.

Please make sure your attorney gets EVERYTHING he/she can for you and then make sure his psychotic daughter stays away from you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh yes, the tears etc. are coming out now.  I am starting to feel like that Van Gogh painting "The Scream" at times.

DD says not to feel embarassed if I just sudenly break out and cry, nor to be cconcerned that it will last for a time.  That I have over 20 years of this carp stuffed in me and it doesn't just come out all in one tme.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it seem that I break down and cry until my stomache hurts from sobbing.  Then I feel better for a bit, but it starts to build up again.  Perhaps this type of crying is like a toxic cleaning so to speak.  I have never cried so hard or so intensly before.

 

sandye21's picture

SDM, This could be a good thing.  I've found when i am really stressed out about something I don't seem to have the ability to cry and it's frustrating I can not just let loose.  Once the tears start it is like a cleansing of the soul.  It also seems to break down confusion so you see things more clearly.  Let those tears come, wipe them away, and go forward with more confidence and clarity.

You are an example to all of us, including me - that a good life is attainable without being married.  This is something that society pushes on us - that you just can't be happy unless you are married.  And in many cases, it's just the opposite.  Thanks for sharing your journey to freedom.  This week I am making an appointment for a family lawyer to see what my options are.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandy - you need to talk to a divorce attorney.  Just look for one that doesn't have a reputation for keeping the flames going while he bills the hours.

sandye21's picture

Thanks for the advice.  I was referred to the family attorney but will see if it would be better to go to a divorce lawyer.  First I want to see where I stand financially and get that all straightened out so I can move ahead.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Jus want to add one thing.  To-be-XH is apparently not going to contest the divorce because the offer I made ihas an expiration date on it and it was made quite clear to him this was the best he was going to do as it would be going down the moe anxiety he caused me.  I guess he wants to hire his own attorney to go over it for him and that is fine....though I am not paying for it.  You see, if he wants to fight the legal fees are going to be all his.

It is sad it is coming to this.  He is basically a good man, his fault is that he can't shake the Twit and her sh*t from his shoes.

You can bet the farm that she will be having a cow when she eventually contacts him and finds that we are divorced and there is no chance, ever, that she will get to try to pick my bones as she has done with other older people in the past.  You see, what "Daddy" gets is only good for while he is living.....there is nothing in it for her after.  I can just hear her sqwaking now - he, he, he.

sandye21's picture

Well, now your DH is experiencing the pain of the psychological vise he subjected you to for so many years.  On top of that, just wait until Twit finds out there's nothing in it for her!  Just wonder if there will be one last plea for reconciliation.  When you're done, you're done, SDM.  Sometimes 'sweet revenge' is 'just desserts'. 

You are at the edge of a new, fulfilling life.  Charge on, girl!!

“So the unwanting soul
sees what's hidden,
and the ever-wanting soul
sees only what it wants.”
― Lao Tzu

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye - that qote at the bottom is terrific!!   In a way it sums things up.  No doubt EX-TWIT strongly fits the last two lines.  Remember, it is NEVER her fault.

I will l say that now that I am crying hard, sobbing until my stomache hurts, it is like some of the years of tension are shaking lose.  I also find that I am MAD as HELL about what I was expected t accept as normal.  If that makes sense.  FURIOUS to be exact.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

One ting I will never forget is that ashtray episode.  Wish you all could have seen the  package, beautifully wrapped with a gorgeous top of the line bow, like you see in movies etc.  Makes it look like it would be a nice present.  Then opening it to find a well used, ashtray.  I couldn't believe it.  When I called it out for what it was: "Oh, an ashtray.  I don't smoke."  The Twit started blubbering about how it is the THOUGHT that counts.  DH told me I was being "small" because apparently Twit felt bad when I pointed out what it was.

What she did was the sign of a really SICK person.  By going to such extremes to make it look like a beautiful gift she was setting me up.  That is the kind of thing she does to me,  did to H and to others (but not her husband or "babies".

I now look back and realize that no one mentioned about the beautiful gift I had given her.....an antique Victorian family cameo.   You see, at that point I was thinking of treating her like I would my own daughter.

Not that it matters, but I look back now and see that H didn't even seem to see the difference in how I treated her and how she treated me.  I was the bad guy.  Also note, she certainly made sure she had that cameo tucked away - under no circumstances was she going to give it back.

That was the end of the road for me with her.  I mean, heck, even a box of quality chocolate etc. would have been appreciated.

The only other gift she ever tried to give me was a bottle of bubble bath that she got as a gift.  Since, as she said right then, she doesn't take baths, I could have it!  Interesting part here is that everyone knows, even Twit I have bad legs and no longer took baths, just showers.  I refused, telling her I no longer could take baths,  it and she got SNARKY with me because I did that.  Kept trying to push it on me.  Of course she didn't offer me the powder or cologne that came with the set, just what she didn't want and I should have been thrilled to take it as she was being oh, so kind.  At least that is what H said to me later.

Rags's picture

Your anger is righteous.  Work through it, be angry, vent, cry and ultimately laugh them off.

A new life is dawning for you.

Enjoy it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Don't forget those stained napkins, SDM. Twit always gave you poisonous, cr@ppy gifts that were more about the message than the object.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

oh yes, how could I forget the stained, dirty - and I mean FILTHY - napkins.  GAWD, those were quickly put in the outside trash because who knows WHAT they were harboring.

That stuff confused me because I have never, ever encoungered someone who would do things like that. Not even young children when they, having no money etc., make or find things for their parents (dandelions, etc.)

H use to tell me to overlook it, the thought that counts carp when it happened.  And I felt bad even back then when it did.  No one ever said anything to her about this type of thing.  Yet, she would shower herself and Babies with all kinds of expensive electronics, clothes, etc.  She would bawl and act like she didn't know what my problem was.

That family cameo was the last thing I ever got her or gave her.  Twit was H's problem after that.

Folks, let's be clear. This was not a young child, or starting out family on a very limited budget.  This cretin and her husband pull in over 6 figures a year.

Would it be wrong and terrible of me to say that I hope the karma bus, and may it be a big one, gets her soon?

Also, one more thing about her Babies.  Even FATSO gets bonkers on booze. We never knew that, even H never knew it until one day he started talking about being totally smashed and how he got into words with a police officer - questions about his parentage etc. as I understand it.  The only good thing there is that FATSO, since he doesn't have a good job, does a lot of walking so at least when he gets snockered he is not behind the wheel of a car.

Aniki's picture

Would it be wrong or terrible? No, hon. You're human and this has been Hell for you. Hope it comes to an end soon. {{hugs}}

sandye21's picture

"H use to tell me to overlook it, the thought that counts carp when it happened.  And I felt bad even back then when it did."  It IS about the message!!!  And it's just plain sad.  SDM KNEW what the message was.  Otherwise Twit would have been purchasing nice things for her as she did for her family.  But SDM was made to feel bad for someone else's obnoxious behavior - no apologies ever..

So many SMs go through this.  What would happen if a Mother gave her child used filthy, used items for Christmas and their Birthday while she kept the best things for herself?  Or didn't acknowledge the child's birthday at all.  Or expected that child to give up things that they cherished because SM simply wanted it.  Or played psychological games, crying, with a DH who took SM's side, told the child to overlook it or the child was shamed.  The 'message' comes through loud and clear.  It would be considered neglect and abuse.

So what is the difference if it is an adult / adult relationship - if the 'message' is the same?  "This is what I think of you."  AND by condoning it, DH was giving you the same messge.

SDM, I am angry for what you went through.  How truly awful you were treated, and you did nothing to deserve it.  This has happened throughout history to innocent people who were thrust into horrible situations.  But over time they overcame what they thought  were insurmountable obstacles to emerge as heroes we all admire.  Let the anger and tears come.  Feel them until you are ready to move on.  We are all here for you.