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H is basically giving me orders for this vacation with SD!

fadedbackground's picture

I am not looking forward to this vacation. It’s been in the works since April and I’ve been dreading it since then. In 1 month we head out to Disney for 5 days to visit H’s extended family who I’ve never met, SD has never met and he hasn’t seen in about 25 years. I am so not looking forward to having to spend 5 days with SD 22. H knows I don’t care for her but keeps pushing her on me and has for the 10 years I’ve been out here. I haven’t been super excited about the trip and it shows. H is all giddy and keeps saying how much fun the trip will be and how he’s excited for everyone to meet me and SD. I am 99.9% sure it will be a s**t show and H will end up being upset with either me or SD or both of us. He tells me last night “I want to you talk to SD and I want her to talk to you. Don’t get weird about stuff”. Don’t fu**ing tell me how to be with her! Keep in mind I am paying nearly $4000 to go on this trip with her because she just HAS to meet her extended family. I am paying for 3 nights in a Disney hotel, I am paying for the 3 of us to have a 3 day Disney pass. You are paying $1200 for our plane tickets. Don’t ask me why I’m paying 3 times the amount you are to take a vacation YOU want, with YOUR kid to see YOUR extended family!  And no doubt he’ll pull the old “Well I’m going to lay down and take a nap, but you two can go off and hang out”. I fu**ing HATE that! I’ll do whatever I damn well please if I’m paying that much for a trip I don’t even want to take! Then he says that one night that the 3 of us just need to have a drunken debauchery night. Yes, the first thing he always thinks about is getting drunk!

 

Then he tells me that our last night there he wants us to stay with his niece and her 3 teenagers. His niece is 34 years old, has 3 kids by 2 different dads and I don’t think either of them are in the kids’ lives. She seems to be doing quite well with the kids, but for some ungodly reason, H thinks he needs to step up and be a father figure for them! 3 years ago, never having spoken to the kids and not even being able to remember all their names, he decides he needs to buy each of them a bike for Christmas. You haven’t seen or spoken to your niece since she was in grade school, don’t know her kids but feel like you have to be this presence to them when we’re there. He was all worried last night about how to present himself to them. These kids don’t give a rat’s ass about you! How about you work on being a dad to your own daughter!

Siemprematahari's picture

Your posts really trigger me, in fact they annoy me to no end.....so I've looked inward to ask why.......

Basically it annoys the h@ll out of me that you continue to allow this man to treat you like shit, been there done that and that you have done NOTHING to change it.

My wish is for you to honor and love yourself enough to leave this mess.....No one should be giving you "ORDERS" to do a G@d d@mn thing!

Hope you see the light soon!

shellpell's picture

Yes, exactly this! I would never consider going on this "vacation" ever! And paying more for it? Come on, girl! Value yourself!

Cover1W's picture

That's what I was thinking - why is she paying the most?  No, that would have been a no from the start for me. I've made it super clear to DH that if he wants to take SD/s on a trip HE foots their bill and I do no planning and I do no parenting.  This is going to be a very bad trip for her.

futurobrillante99's picture

The most liberating thing I ever learned was to NEVER do things I didn't want to do just to please someone else (or avoid an argument) and to sure as hell not pay for it, too.

I hope you have an epiphany.

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

*blum3*I got triggered by this post too. Wink I have to take a road trip with skids and DH in two months to see a dying uncle. This means five hours one way in the same small metal box as skids. Skids will be screaming and punching each other the whole way there. And then be needy and attention hungry when we get to the uncle and aunts house. They aren't even close to DHs side of the family. One time I did an innocent trivia game for DHs birthday and skids did not know the names or relations of any of DHs extended family and we see them at least two or three times a year. I was appalled and that wasn't even the point of my game it was to make DH feel special and loved and that backfired. They are so self absorbed.

tog redux's picture

I too have to ask - why? Why did you agree to this and above all, why on Earth are you paying for the majority of it?!

ESMOD's picture

Ok.. here is your solution.. each and every time he says.. "oh I'm taking a nap.. you guys go hang out".. I would turn to SD and say.

"I will be in the bar if you want to hang out.. and go drink.. if she wants to go drink with you... fine..haha.. on her own dime... do not offer to pay".. he will be pissed that you guys go get drunk without him..lmao.. plus.. drunk you won't care as much.

 

Aniki's picture

Sweetie.... do you feel the need to be punished?? Because what you're foreseeing DOES sound like a sh*t show. While I understand feeling you need to go on the trip to meet family, I do NOT understand why YOU are paying the majority and seem to have no say in what transpires. It's H's daughter and H's family; not yours. 

Since you seem so gloomily deteremined to go, I propose the following...

If you're at Disney and your H and SD go running off? DO NOT FOLLOW. Go do your own thing; even if it means going back to the hotel and taking a nap or reading a book. Just make sure you have a way back to the hotel.

Treat SD just like you would an arseholey coworker: be polite, but distant. Frankly, I think your 'D'H has a lot of nerve telling you how to behave. I think he's being a complete jerk.

Rags's picture

The one doing the ordering needs to be beat about the head and shoulders with divorce papers taped to the front door above the rekeyed locks.

Tolerating is enabling. Stop enabling and for damned sure stop splaying yourself out on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this asshole and his shallow and polluted gene pool.

$4K my ass!  He needs to be the one paying every penny for this dive into his toxic genetic cesspool.

smh

SteppedOff's picture

This is very sad.....you must rise up.

ndc's picture

Why are you paying for the majority of this trip?  And why does your H continue to think that he can dictate the terms of your relationship with his daughter?  I can't figure out why you agreed to this in the first place.

Kes's picture

If I don't want to go on a trip, I don't go.  I don't pay a massive amount of money to be unhappy.  Your post has garnered mostly incredulity as to why you are doing this. 

advice.only2's picture

What part of yourself willingly rationalized that you needed to pay for this trip and pay for a grown SD to attend? I'm just curious how you explain this away to yourself to be "okay" with it?

fadedbackground's picture

Because I have no backbone. If I even give a whiff of "I don't really want to" or I'm not wanting to spend time with SD" H immediately gets defensive. When I was hesitant about spending all this money he said "Oh come on! It's no different than saving up to go to Europe and it will probably be more fun AND you finally get to meet my family". Basically making me feel bad that he has wanted to go for a long time to visit and how can I deny him the chance to see his family. He even told me a couple of months ago that I need to "Try" with SD. I told him "I talk to her when she's here and I'm civil to her". His response was "Yeah but I can tell it's forced".  What the hell do you want me to do??!! You know I hate being around her, but yet you force her on me and then get upset becasue I'm "forcing" niceness! He can't even stand to be around her for long becasue he says she talks nonsense but he wants ME to hang aorund her?

Sparkl3s's picture

I'm sorry that you are being bullied in your relationship. If you have separate accounts I'd bail out of paying for any dinners on the trip for EVERYONE if you "wink" don't have it. 
 

If you already know your husbands MO bail before he does and book yourself a massage, take a walk, hide at the bar with a glass of wine and a book. Good luck dear I can't imagine how frazzled your nerves must be dealing with that bill$h!t. 

Monkeysee's picture

Soooooo let him get defensive. It sounds like you’re the one with money.. if he wants to see his family that badly then HE can save up & pay for it. 

I think you’re addicted to the drama & misery this man brings into your life, and that’s why you allow this to happen to you. You should explore why you’d rather have misery in your life than peace because ALL of this is preventable. You are your biggest problem. 

2nd wives club's picture

Are you the financial "rescuer" in your relationship? Have you bailed your DH out financially and footed the bill for stuff he hinted at wanting?

Because I know he didn't just come out with the Disney/family trip idea. He hinted and waited until you agreed to a trip and then moved that goalpost?

You're not denying him any chance to see his family. All he has to do is plan the trip and go!

Rags's picture

You would not be the one denying him a trip to spend time with his family. He is.  So... no more money for him to wallow in his toxic gene pool.  If he wants to dive into the effluent, he can pay. You go on the trip (that he pays for) and hit the spas and top restaurantds that you want to visit while he and SD sniff the crotches of the parts of his family that have made no effort to visit with him.

Victoria & Alberts is a great restaurant. Do the things that you want to do and don't sweat DH or SD on the trip.  "Sorry, I only made reservations for me since you and SD are supposed to be visiting with your family. I'm not the travel agent or tour guide.  This is my vacation too and I am doing what I want to do. You do what you want to do."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Siemprematahari's picture

You need to dig deep and get to the root of why you have no back bone. I think this is stemming from your relationship with your mother (parents) based on prior posts (if I'm not mistaken). They probably always dictated your life, you had no voice or boundaries so here you are re-enacting it in your relationship to this man that completely takes advantage of you. You are his ATM, babysitter, and bedwarmer.

I hope you are seeking therapy so that you can break out of this cycle/trauma and stop allowing everyone in your life to guilt you into things. The only person you owe anything to is YOU and having toxic people like this and not realizing your worth is a set up for a lifetime of misery.

Wishing you love and healing OP.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

You do have the option of telling your partner re your next family holiday that you can’t afford to go. There’s only so much he can say to that surely.... if you can’t afford to go you can’t afford to go. If he want to go somewhere that badly let him contribute a bit more. Then the money you save you could pay for two nights in a hotel for just the two of you. 

Movingonisbest's picture

Married or not, I  wouldn't pay for a man's adult kid(s) to go on vacation. My now ex would hint from time to time about us going on vacation with his adult kids. Only one of his kids could likely afford it. Maybe he thought I was a fool and was going to help pay but he found out quickly that was never going to happen. The way I looked at it he could have taken them on vacation long before he met me but he never has. Not even when they were kids. 

Anonymity's picture

Get a refund on YOUR money you've wasted on this. Do not go on this stupid trip; tell your jerk husband you will not talk with HIS adult daughter.

Why are you still with this bonehead?!

MissDenise's picture

Call me old school but I don't pay. Certainly not for their kids!!

It's beyond sad, I see more women who are paying for fake love and attention. Sorry OP but this nitwit should be paying for his entire family...meaning YOU as well. At this point if you can't get your money back I would go to the bars or anywhere they couldn't find me. Then as soon as I got back I'd change my life 100%.