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Grown Stepkids

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

Let me begin by saying originally I move in with my fiance, believing that it would be me, him, and my 2 children (at the time 8 & 5). But not a week passed before his 29 year old son moved in with us. So my kids bunk together. This is temporary says my fiance. It has been 2 years since. His son still lives with us. According to my fiance his son is bipolar. According to his son he is lazy. The "boy " does not work, does not go to school, does not clean house, eats all our food. I've lost it a few times now. I have told my fiance how I feel. I told him I don't want him out, just want him to get a job. He eats all our food, extremely overweight, stinks. We can smell his bedroom in the livingroom. When he walks by one can almost taste it. My fiance and I r suppose to get married in five months. I'm having second thoughts. His daughter is disrespectful to me and my family. My fiance let's them do it. Pays their bills, gets them out of every bind. I feel selfish. Like a bitch. My fiance is willing to help raise my kids, but I can't stand his. My kids love him and r starting to call him dad, and he likes it. He is also 16 years older than me, not that it matters. We love eachother, bit things aren't great at the house. I told his son he's lazy and he needs to get a job.

oldone's picture

No 29 year old should be living with parents. A young man I know with Down Syndrome lives in a group home. So does another young man with acute mental and physical disabilities. Both of these young men are happy, active and very much a part of their parents' lives - but they do not live with the parents. I know of several other examples.

DO NOT MARRY this man unless he evicts lardo.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

Exactly. If this son is biopolar, he needs meds and doctor consultation/visits. If he cannot live on his own, he can be placed into a group home or some kind of assisted apartment living. It seems these days that a lot of parents are not willing to help their kids help themselves. A diagnosis does not mean a child is destined to live in a parent's home forever. I have spent years working with kids with special needs, and our goal is always to make them as independent as possible.

All 3 of my DH's kids are still at home, with no intention of leaving. BM is not really happy about it, but she still treats them as if they are babies. They, too, do nothing to help, and their hygiene is not so happy. I would never be able to deal with this.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

I just hate it for my kids. I didn't want to put them through another separation. But you're right. That conversation came up between my fiance and I once. He never looked for such a place. This relationship started out so strong but it has quickly gone downhill.

hereiam's picture

I can see you not wanting to put them through another separation but that environment can't be good for them, either. He needs to get his grown son out of there.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

Something that bothers me is that he picks up my little girl and sits her on his lap (the grown son that is) I've also asked my fiance to please tell his son not to do that. He has not told him yet—and I realize he won't. He won't do anything that may cause tension. You know... my fiance bought me rose trees last night. I put me in italics because I quickly asked him if he's thought about where to plant them, and he says, "I have an idea." He always does that with anything that will b permanent in the house.

silver ring's picture

Don't wait for your husband to tell his son to stop holding the little girl on his lap. You tell his son that and don not ALLOW me under any circumstances to keep doing it.

Disneyfan's picture

He's doing what he feels is best for his son. You have to follow his lead~put your kids first.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

Well, we shopped for a home together. It is my finances home, it's in his name. His son quickly came to live with us. His mom did not want him anymore. This 29 year old now locks himself in his room all the time because I lost my patience this past weekend and called him out on everything. I came home early from work cause my daughter is sick with fever/cold symptoms and I found he bought groceries for himself. First time ever. They are in Walmart bags to distinguish from my groceries. He is trying hard to make me feel bad and my fiance just keeps telling me we'rea team, we belong together, etc... and I do love him, but can't stand his son. I told him how much it bothered me, his son living here taking advantage of us. If he has bipolar it's mild, like a woman during PMS. My fiance has ignored my thoughts and concerns. He believes time will take care of everything.

chickadee1444's picture

The guys 29 , not working, not helping out. He asked her to move in, the son was not part of the deal.He is doing the kid no favours by allowing him to mouch.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

It looks to me like the fiance is fine with his son being there. It does not sound like he has any intention of throwing him out. And he is enabling his daughter, as well. These things won't change until the fiance changes. He may wind up supporting these kids for the rest of their lives.

My DH's kids are younger, but they are adults, who refuse to work, and seem to have no intention of getting off of BM's couch. They also do not do anything around the house. My stepsister is 35, and my stepmother is still constantly handing her money. She is making hints about moving in. My dad is very concerned, but he and my stepmom own the home together, so I do not know what is going to happen. She also refuses to work and lies around all day. I could not tolerate this at all.

SickNtired, I don't think you are going to win this battle. I think you need to cancel the wedding. I certainly would not marry this man until his son is out of the house. Nothing is going to change if your fiance is content with the way things are.

Orange County Ca's picture

Second thoughts? You should be on 4th or 5th by now.

He'll never toss the son and the son will never improve until he's tossed out to fend on his own.

Unless you're willing to die smelling this slob get out as soon as you can. I'm practically gagging from your description. Smell his bedroom from the living room? Oh God.

Don't let your children get further involved with this guy. Give your finace until the end of March or you're leaving. Be prepared as the son will probably still be there as there will always be some excuse.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

You are right. But I think two years is enough. I'll be searching for another place starting today. I'm not telling them anything. My kids and I are just leaving.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

In all honesty I've had way too many thoughts to keep count. I just wanted this to work out. I wish relationships weren't so hard. My fiance is the first to ever try so hard to please me. I'm starting to really doubt this thing called love. He says I just don't have any patience. How much more can a person have? This thing with his son has ruined us, we're not married yet and the two of us dread coming home.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

Love is not always enough. I was with my first husband for over 10 years when he cheated on me with a coworker. I made it through, healed, and met my DH. My DH is fantastic. He really is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I adore him. However, his 3 adult kids are such a disgusting mess. He never should have continued to have kids with BM. But, he did, and she raised them with no rules and boundaries. He tried and tried, but gave up and worked so many hours to support everyone, as she was a gambler. He was a major enabler to his kids, but not as bad as BM. In her world, you do what you want, when you want.

Now, these 3 "kids" have absolutely no coping skills. I was lucky, because I saw this before we married. I sat down with DH before the wedding, and made him promise that we would never support them, and never allow them to move in. They are SO cruel to both of us. It is to the point I don't want them near me. Both of us have tried. All they want is money. Dh stopped that, and now we are evil. I do not expect them to ever leave BM's home. But, it is not her home. It belongs to her aunt. If something happens, and they become homeless, I am praying my husband will stick to his promises. I cannot and will not support or house them. It is not even up for discussion.

If DH feels, some day, that he has to take them in or hand them money, I will be gone. As much as I love him, I will not do that to myself. It will never work. And I am not going to work in a stressful job, with a chronic illness, while they sit around doing nothing. I think DH will stay strong, but if he does not, he will lose me, and they will destroy him.

You are better off leaving. I know it is very hard, but look at how bad it is now. It will only get worse, as you get more and more upset (which is totally understandable!!!!!). You cannot do this anymore. Your fiance is going to have a very lonely life, but he is choosing that. He has made that clear.

Jsmom's picture

You are shortchanging your own children, by letting them live with him. That is not the example you want to set. Seriously, why do you care more about your SO's feelings, then you do your own children.

Move on, this guy will not change.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I was thinking the same thing-her kids need so much more than this.

silentnites's picture

My ss28 just moved back in with us...BUT, he is a full time med student and holds a full time job on top of that. Economically it works much better for him and he is a great man. We offered so that he could finish his internship early. He rented out his own home to move back in, and he is very appreciative.

Other then the above scenario, or the sudden loss of a spouse, he should be out on his own...I am sorry to hear of your situation.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

That is good. All I ever wanted was for his son to do something with himself, clean up his act, but nothing was done. He doesn't like to do anything. I had never before met anyone like him. Well after two years of this I've grown to despise him. I wish it hadn't come to this.

silentnites's picture

I agree, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It certainly is not fair to your own children. How very scary to think a person has not amounted to much at that age.. terrible.

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

This sucks. It has now been 8 days. He is still locked up in his room. My fiance tells me I created this. I told him that is not fair, putting all the blame on me. I told him we searched for this home together and SS was not in the plans. I also asked why he hasn't found a place for him, for people with bipolar. He says there is no such place and if there was he would never put his son there. Then he was upset cause I mentioned that. He doesn't want me to leave, says this is temporary. I don't know that I can live with the darkness that has settled on the house much longer. I was looking for another place yesterday online and he caught me. It saddens him, he is a sincere man, but his adult children rule his life.

forgotten wife's picture

"He says there is no such place and if there was he would never put his son there."

that's pretty clear. his son is never leaving. he's telling you.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Leave. He has made his choice. He will keep his son with him always. He may act sad to get you to stay, but he's not sad enough to find an assisted living home for his son. Hell, he won't even tell this mentally ill adult nit to put your daughter on his lap. Guess if that makes his son happy, then so be it, your daughter can be his sons plaything, the sacrificial lamb. Leave, no matter what he says, leave. Words are cheap, his actions tell all. He is choosing his son. Your children deserve better, you deserve better.

emotionaly beat up's picture

I think the guilty ones all tell us "it's our fault". They play dumb, refuse to accept responsibility for it, or lay any blame on their precious off spring. But they DO know what is going on. Rather than do the work required to fix it, they dump the blame on us and hope we will swallow it. DON'T.

omgsaveme's picture

Why are you looking for another place ? I would tell him and his fat ass son that they need to leave and they have one week. Leaving sometimes helps them see, that we aren't putting up with this shit. Ugh, why cant parents be parents, which is the uncomfortable stuff.

Shannon61's picture

Emotionally beat up is right. My DH did everything in his power to refuse to see SD for who she really was . . until he didn't have a choice. She lived w/us and made my life miserable for 3 years. One of us had to leave and it wasn't going to be me.

You have to a decision to make. Either live with DH and his disgusting pig of a son, or leave and create a healthy, nuturing environment for you and your children.

mystery1's picture

please take my advice. get the hell out of that situation and don't marry him. I married a man with a grown child and it has been hell ever since. I love my husband but sometimes I feel like I am going to have to walk out because of his dysfunctional family. it has caused us alot of problems and I thought when we married it would be ok since his child was grown, but it has not be ok. I pray to god the spoiled brat keeps a job, cause he has a wife that doesn't work, and 2 children, so I feel like if he loses his job, it will be the end of my marriage, cause i will not take care of them.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Mystrry1, I am very sorry for you. It is a living hell. This is not really the fault of the skids you know. They were raised this way. And while many husbands blame the bms and say they could do nothing because they didn't have the kids full time. That is a cop out and a lie they tell themselves and others to try and justify their lazy parenting, and the fact that they are too frightened of the spoilt brats they raised to parent them, because the brats will not talk to them. The way their kids turn out is not their fault. It is the BM and the sm, because the SM is the adult, she needs to try change her attitude, she hates his kids, she doesn't want him to have a relationship with his kids , she needs to understand these kids have been through a divorce, she should try harder. Most of the blame is on the SM because if he laid it all on the doorstep of BM, then people would say he as the father is also to blame. So SM gets the bulk of the blame for his kids being rotten so he can feel better about himself.

See, never dads fault, nor is it the fault of his off spring. So why should he do anything to fix it. BM and SM need to lift their game. Then it would all be good. These kids have lazy selfish fathers who fail to act like a father and accept the responsibilities a father has.