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A good reminder from YSD that I don't matter

Disillusioned's picture

I've never expected anything from my SD's on Mother's Day...especially at one point in time neither one was particularly nice, not answering when I said hello, no thank you's for anything I did, no comments on food i cooked (unless there was a suggestion of how it could have been done better) everything addressed to "DAD" (dh) etc.. etc...

So I was surprised back when YSD was in her teens and one day shyly/quietly wished me Happy Mother's Day. From there it was texts and even phone calls on Mother's Day. By the time YSD was in her 20's she would even surprise me with a wonderful card. Once YSD moved out of home/out west, she not only calls every Mother's Day to tell me she loves me/misses me/I'm like a mother to her too, etc... but even has some thoughtful gift couriered to the house for me. Way over top and I'm always amazed at how sweet and thoughtful of her to do that

This year YSD did nothing :? :?

Not even a text message

Completely unlike her

By the time dinner rolled around on Sunday I casually mentioned to DH that i was a little surprised we hadn't heard from YSD. DH brushes it off and says that she knows we call her every Sunday night, that he's sure she figured she would just wish me Happy Mother's day then

I said yes but we've been calling YSD every Sunday night since she moved out of home and she always phones me on the morning or latest afternoon of Mother's day regardless.

DH brushes if off again saying that he knows she loves me and there is no problem.

I say to DH that if it were him, on Father's Day, would be be concerned? DH says yes he would definitely be concerned :? he finally seemed to get what I was saying and I comment that I really hope she is okay, it's not like her and I was just more concerned everything is alright. I even worried I may have made her angry or something, but that didn't make sense either because she had just sent me and DH and bunch of excited text messages a couple days before about our upcoming trip to see her. Everything was fine

So DH and I have dinner and then later in the evening we call. No answer.

DH leaves YSD a message saying we were calling to see how she was etc.. etc.. and that he thought she might have wanted to call me on Mother's day - I was pretty upset with DH saying that to her, her choice and she probably didn't appreciate it from him. Anyway, I knew she had an important appointment the next day so I sent her a text before I went to bed letting her know I would be thinking of her

Next morning I receive a text that she had sent in response to mine the night before. Giving me an update on her situation and sounding perfectly fine about everything, strangely no mention of Mother's day

I was relieved she was okay, not upset about anything, etc...but still a little perplexed and figured maybe she simply forgot, it happens

Of course DH gets defensive when he sees I'm hurt/disappointed in this and now we're angry with each other. He says some insulting things and I go to bed furious with him, confused and hurt by YSD

Next evening DH apologies to me. Says that I have done a ton for his kids and he's sorry for what he said. Fine. Then he tells me he was talking with YSD and mentioned that he thought she might want to call me on Mother's day. DH tells me YSD told him that ya, she had a card in the mail, she's been really busy

So, that was it.

After many years of YSD making an effort to acknowledge me on Mother's Day, telling me how much she appreciates all I've done and that she loves that I always made the choice to do those things, how much I'm just like a mother to her too, etc.. etc... then one year she just.....doesn't bother. Not because she's mad, or forgot, or had another issue, but just because well, she had better things to do

Anyway after DH hung up about a minute later I received a text from YSD saying she hoped I had a nice Mother's day and that she put a card in the mail for me. But really, I was just shocked

I'm not shocked, angry or hurt any longer. Really I should thank YSD. She has shown me once again, that at the end of the day, I really don't matter all that much. It doesn't matter how much she tells me she loves me, appreciates and values me and thinks of me as a mom too, I will never actually allow myself to remotely believe it again

I'm not upset with her. For every thoughtful thing she does for me I will do even more for her. I'm sure there is no problem between us. But I won't allow myself to get sucked in to believing I actually matter very much again

furkidsforme's picture

Passive Aggressive much? Most kids these days don't remember for a bio. Get a grip and lighten up. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she remembered when she lived at home because your DH reminded her?

Disillusioned's picture

Well first of all furkidsforme, my YSD is not a kid she's an adult. Secondly no, DH never reminded her as he never expected it from her either, this is just something she started doing on her own from the time she was a teenager and has kept up consistently until now at almost 30 years old. And since she has been doing this consistently since she moved out of home all on her own, I wouldn't call it a Paasive Aggressive reaction from me either

Orange County Ca's picture

Lets forgive it this once and instead be thankful you don't have one of the other steps described here.

whatamess's picture

Given her history, I think I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. People's ways of celebrating change. I used to always get my mom a card but didn't this year. Instead I spent most of Friday with her at a festival. It doesn't mean I think any less of her. As a matter of fact, I think more of her which is why I spent time with her. Could just be your SD is changing the way she celebrates but it's not intended to slight you.

Disillusioned's picture

It's not so much she didn't acknowledge it in the matter I would have liked imaSmom, it's that she didn't acknowledge it in the manner that SHE normally does.

This SD generally goes over and above and makes a huge deal out of it, has for years consistently. This year she just didn't bother to do anything. At all.

I was surprised by this sudden change, convinced something was wrong or maybe I had done something wrong but no, this time she just had better things to do

I can't imagine doing that to my Mom, my Dad or my Step-dad. Just one day deciding well, I don't feel like it this year so too bad

I get that she just didn't think about it, and I'm grateful that this is all there is to it...we get along and that it most important. but I still found it a bit of an eye-opener

Disillusioned's picture

My DH's eldest daughter has never acknowledged me either StepAside. Her attitude is basically that she never asked for me in her life, resents my relationship with DH, doesn't care if I fall over backwards being kind and good to her she will NEVER acknowledge anything, and will even go out of her way to try to be cruel and hurtful. I would be a joke to think she might actually acknowledge me on Mother's Day

This one I actually find easier to deal with. I expect nothing from her, I receive nothing from her (but horrific behavior that is) and so I'm never disappointed. DH and I don't argue about her, we don't even discuss her generally. She means nothing to me and I want nothing from her at this point

But my YSD has been different, she is the opposite of her sister, has made a point to be the opposite of her sister. So in her case, yes I do notice when she does something out of character like this. And I definitely think it was worth discussing with DH. It bothered me

I appreciate all the comments from everyone, makes me think perhaps I'm over-reacting and it's just one of those things, certainly made me think things through though...

muscle mama's picture

Hey I didn't even get a happy mothers day from my own kid and she LIVES with me. And I REMINDED her.. LOL... welcome to Generation ME (Edited to add: She is a pre-teen)