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Going to meet the Skids and Family of DH. SD worried bio mom will find out.

Rearview's picture

So my DH and I are traveling 3k miles to all meet and out.  SD said shes hiding the trip from bio.  We are getting a house a few hours away for ss and his girlfriend her 3year old, and sd.  Dh and sd talked about not telling bio mom. They said she'd go bazerk. Sd said "mom said she had the feeling dad was going  to be coming home soon".  They said she's always been kind of psychic.   So dh and I talked about if we see her in public , being polite etc, but if she turns toxic narcissist we IMMEDIATELY just walk away with no comment.  Say nothing  just walk away.  But I have a real problem with "HUGGING ".  He hugs people and I have not one problem with it with any other person. But I dont want him EVER touching her AT ALL!!!!  Unless at a funeral. ir ICU hospital thing.  Because shell hang on and make it more than what it is.  He said her seeing us together would hurt her.  I think it would  bring her closure to see us together.  It would  help her move on with her life.  Not to hurt her but bring her into reality.   Give  her some closure.  Sd should  not have to hide her trip with us because mom is a nut case.  WHATS your take on this?  

ybarra357's picture

"He said her seeing us together would hurt her"   Boo effin hoo. Why is your DH is so concerned about this?  It's odd thing to say.

Aniki's picture

He said her seeing us together would hurt her. 

WHY is that a problem? It sounds like he is more worried about his EX's feelings than anything else. 

If you two run into her, it SHOULD be nothing more than a casual nod or simple "hello" and keep on walking. If she flips out, WALK AWAY FAST.

lieutenant_dad's picture

The kids are adults, and if they want to hide the trip, then they should hide the trip. If you run into BM, just nod and walk on. If your DH wants to feel bad for hurting her, so be it. But that shouldn't change the plan of giving her a nod or a hello without a hug. He can feel what he wants to feel, but his actions don't have to reflect that.

For you, though, get it out of your head that seeing you two together will give BM closure. The folks who know her best seem to think she'll be hurt and pissed if she even knows you're visiting. That's not a woman who will just be okay and accept closure if she sees you. She might, but if she has her kids AND ex afraid of her reaction, then I'd side with them that it will be that bad and it would be best to avoid her at all costs.

tankh21's picture

OMG! What a terrible person this harpy must be for her adult kids to have to hide a trip from her because she will flip out. What kind of mother makes their kids scared to tell them anything either.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Who cares what BM thinks (besides her kids/family/friends) and he does not owe her a hug. 

That is all. 

Petronella's picture

Why would you run into BM on the street? You almost sound as though you want this to happen.

Rearview's picture

Extremely small town.

ldvilen's picture

What was the situation where BM and DH parted, and are they divorced yet or just separated?  It just seems like something is missing here, but maybe not.  Why would BM think this, "Mom said she had the feeling dad was going  to be coming home soon."?  Did she mean he'd be coming home to her?  I mean, if this is a small town, certainly DH can't cower from her forever.  What is it BM needs closure over?  

I guess I have to ask. . . Did you and DH run off together?  Because, with all of this sneaking around, it kind'a sounds like maybe so.  On the other hand, if DH and his ex- have been divorced for years, and she is still living in the past, then, yeah, get it out in the open ASAP.

Rearview's picture

We met way after that. No we haven't ran off dated, then got engaged, then had religious marriage.   They are in fact afraid of ex. BM.  Say she is psycho.  They are afraid shell create a seen as she has done all true lives.  Hope t hff at helps the dynamic. We luve 3k miles apart. 

shamds's picture

cheating on whilst married to hubby. Hubby married me over 5 yrs ago and exwife still had sd’s convinced and brainwashed that bio mum was allowed to turn into a psycho because hubby chose to divorce her. She was abusive, didn’t care for hubby, their home or their kids but skids believe hubby should never have divorced her

in a normal sane world, if you are getting no satisfaction or pleasure from that relationship, you don’t waste your time with that person for the sake of kids... thats just basic common sense. My sd’s sure did guilt hubby for marrying me and having 2 kids with him when they ended contact with him back in 2013 just before we met and only contacted him mid 2018. But they sure do play this fake we love our half siblings thing in front of family despite guilting hubby for our existence 

Rags's picture

This is exactly why the kids need the full facts regarding their blended family situations including the facts around the demise of their BioParent's divorce or break up.

In this case the Skids need the sequience of events on BM's whoring around and the time line of her screwing her BF before being divorced and dad not meeting you until years later.

Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts.   If the Skids choose to suckle on the tit of the lying cheating parent, that is their choice.but that choice will not go unconfronted.

MissTexas's picture

people. She sounds like a power trip bully who's accustomed to getting HER WAY come hell or high water.

Who cares what she says, thinks, does, or how she responds? (besides your man, I mean) Which brings me to this question, WHY DOES HE CARE WHAT SHE THINKS? She's his "EX" you're his "UPGRADE." There's no future in the past, as your ID implies.

So what, who is she to you anyway? Nobody should be pandering to her feelings and wants and needs. That was the past life he had. He's no longer under her control, or at least he shouldn't be. He should be more concerened about your thoughts, feelings and fears (?) about running into her. Hugging her is a HARD HELL NO!

You need to talk to him and get to the bottom of this. There are a couple pieces of the jigsaw puzzle missing here. Something is driving his behavior and that of the "kids"...why all the fear and sneaking around? Also, coming home for what? That's an obscure / vague comment.

Rearview's picture

After the divorce he would go back to that town and visit family and friends and kids. Every 4 months or so.  He hasn't been there for over a year and 6 months. The thing she does is scream to the top if her lungs ted faced and drunk, chased down  my husband in a csr once he had to hide from her  behind a Bush, she threw a glass at him for talking  to me on the phone once while he visited the family  home 1 1/2 years ago. So that's the fear violence and drunkenness.   The sd has failed to launch so to speak and DH feels bad for  her choices to not launch.  He is recovering codependent.  Hes making TREMENDOUS PROGRESS.   I'm very proud of him in many ways.  But it's a daily process. 

Rags's picture

Of course... your DH called 911 and had her drunk violent ass frog marched off in hand cuffs.  Right?

If not, why not?

piegirl's picture

Was thinking the very same thing Rags....OP your DH needs to call 911 on this woman the minute and I mean the minute she starts ANYTHING!! As for hugging - what is he thinking?? She abuses and stalks him yet he is worried about hurting her feelings? Sheesh..

Good luck!

ldvilen's picture

DH, trying to sneak around BM, is not setting the best standard for anyone.  He is afraid of her, for some reason.  Many of us here know what it is like to have a husband whose fear of his ex- is greater than his love for his wife.  Plus, you are having SS and SS's GF and baby and SD all moving in with you!?  I don't know.  This doesn't sound like the best way to launch a new relationship.  Mega, mega baggage from his end, while you have ___?   Here is a link to allow you to look further before you leap:

Rearview's picture

No the skids are not moving in. He just brought up the what if.   I agree hiding is not a good example  for anyone,  but she is nuts. Already threatened to kill us by phone  and email,  I reported it to the police and they went to her house and gave her a reality check in that remark.  I dont want to be anywhere  near her, bm.  I don't want to hear about  her, so I'm fine with the hiding......But now I suspect he might have been trying to sneak a call or visit?  Not sure but he brought it up when I hadn't even thought  if such.  What do on our trip if one of the skids hands him the phone to talk to her?  Shes been blocked,  no contact for 8 months.  Ir what do I do when they are mom this mom that?  I dont want to hear any dajavu PERIOD.  The sd told dad calling the police on her was over the top, he didn't  defend himself or me but that was over a year ago. I'd like to think hes grown from  that.