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Going forward as cordial strangers

Newimprvmodel's picture

after the past weekend, I think the writing is on the wall. My SDs will be very polite and superficial, but nothing more. They are very active on FB and yet I remain blocked still from ten years ago. That is very telling isn’t it. More pics from this weekend up without mention of me or my daughter. 

So, going forward I will be cordial but not buy them gifts cards as I had done last year the same as my kids. No more paying for hotel rooms for them. I am not angry, better word is disappointed. Should I keep reaching out?  They do thank me  very much.  I think to just let my DH take the lead and when I see them great. But to send gifts cards and texts would be inappropriate. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, that's exactly right.  My SS18 was alienated from us for over three years, and returned recently. When he comes over, he is polite to me, and I to him. We can carry on a conversation and I do believe he likes me.  But I bet if I texted him (I don't), he wouldn't respond. He's loyal to his mother and that is that, I can't do anything about it. Don't take it personally, be grateful they are least cordial to you.

I don't buy or do anything for him, that's DH's job. I gave up on having any real relationship with SS years ago. As long as he's respectful to me, that's all I need. I'm happy DH has his son back in his life, it's not really about me.

Newimprvmodel's picture

you nailed it. But the problem is that SD live basically on opposite coast. Closer to my daughter who is at college out there.  I felt like my weekend with my daughter was somewhat hijacked. I really do foresee wanting to vacation or spend large chunks of time spent engaging this way. Awful to say but it was not the same atmosphere when it is me and DH. He wants the big happy family. However he did sense his daughter clinging to him. 

tog redux's picture

Have a talk with DH. The kids are adults now and there is no reason to try to have a "big happy family". He needs to focus on his kids and rebuilding that relationship, and you have every right to go visit your DD and not even have any contact (or minimal) with his kids. Let's say you all go to the area to visit your respective kids - you spend most of your time with your DD, he spends time with his kids, and you spend some time together (maybe a dinner). Or he spends more with you and DD if they have a good relationship than you do with him and his kids.

They may warm up to you at some point, you never know. But for now, just be kind and pleasant. If DH sends them a gift, he can sign it from "DH and newimprvmodel".  As long as DH knows you are OK with it how it is, he will likely be OK too. He most likely wants you to be happy as well.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I mentioned to DH that HE should go to visit his DDs who live long distance in same town. However ex now lives there as well as her family. He refuses.  He wants to plan trips with them such as skiing. I am reluctant. And the fact is DH and I have not had a solo trip for pure vacation in 5 years! Always with family friends or for business!  

tog redux's picture

He can take them skiing without you.  Or he can go visit them in Their Town without having any contact with BM.

I don't blame you for being reluctant, it's much too early to all be vacationing like that.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Exactly. Everyone was cordial but I was surprised when we picked up my daughter from her dorm after we had met SD and her Bf at the airport. Now the girls had not seen each other in 10 yrs.  But SD just ignored DD and did not even introduce her bf to my DD.  That surprised me.  I did the introductions. Look it must be hard for SD to realize all the years she missed with her father. I recall at one point yrs ago she mentioned how jealous she was of my DD.  

I do think I would go skiing if asked. We are cordial. Just think of SD as husband’s family that I see from time to time. I certainly won’t plan anything with them anymore. You know at our age I only have a finite amount of time and energy. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Mine were not even wise enough to block me before they started writing about me on FB, and we were friends.....geeze....Thank her for blocking you, the same time you better believe they are still creeping on your site. Let them see how happy you are going on with your life with your husband.

If she is civil be civil, if she is rude or ignores you for being alive; stay away from the misery.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your approach is realistic and civil. His kids have let you know in nonverbal terms where you rank in their lives. They are adults, your DH is an adult, and he can be the driving force in the relationship with his children. That includes gifts and invitations.

I organize absolutely nothing for my DH and his middle-aged children. They are more than capable at their age.  I think we do some of the work because we know we will get the blame if they see each other less.  That's going to happen anyway. I was shocked at the things I was blamed for after all of the relationship smoothing I had done, which now sickens me to remember.

And when you do see each other, just view them as coworkers you have nothing in common with. Polite and civil is more than what many of us have. 

sandye21's picture

Treat then just how they treat you.  If they reach out be cordial.  If they don't screw 'em.  Let DH take care of gifts, cards, etc.