Getting married soon but haven't discussed SD financial dependence
I'm new here. To be brief: My intended's daughter has complete control of his finance because his job keeps him away from home for extended periods (that his other son pays rent to live in) He lives with me when he is home. The daughter that keeps the finances for him uses his account as her own. She doesn't work and she and her husband are expecting. They have a modest income of their own but she buys all the extravegant extras with her dad's money and thinks nothing of doing so to the point her dad has no savings of his own. He has a good job and could easily save. He said because he is gone so much it was just easier to have her take care of his bills (mortgage, utilities, taxes and that's about it). He said he would like me to take care of the account for him now. How do I make this transition easier for all?
His children are in their
His children are in their 30's and we are in our late 50's. He is a dear man who is too good. I know he has no other outstanding debts. When he divorced a decade ago this daughter chose to live with him and that is when she took over the household bills etc... I think she feels entitled and he was always grateful not to have to deal with personal finance since he is gone for weeks at a time. I just can't imagine with a 6 figure income why there is no savings in 10 years time, especially the last 5 after recovery from divorce. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and my income is modest (about the same as his daughter's). His adult kids have a way of hinting they want something for themselves or the grandchildren and they usually get the item. Gosh, it sounds worse now that I have wrote it down... my children are grown and independent.
I can relate to you on so
I can relate to you on so many levels but from a different role. My daughter is the one that takes care of her father's (my ex) business, money, bills, doctors and appointments, etc. and has for years. She is married with a family of her own and just runs her fathers finances as if they were her own and he don't say a word. And this is the ironic part...everytime she needs advice on how to pay something, which doctor to use to make an appt for dad or whatever, she calls ME and asks. Of course, I help and provide her with the answers because I hate to see her struggle.
Bottom line, is she would love to hand this duty over to a new women and I would love it also. First thing is open a joint checking account or add your name to his and start with that. Start paying the bills yourself with the checking account and keep up with the balance and question anything that sounds out of line. Open up a savings account with only your husband and yourself listed. Now, don't be surprised if he still asks her to do things for him, it will take awhile to wean them.
Hope this helps
Thank you for your thoughtful
Thank you for your thoughtful replies. He really is a good man and I want to get along with his children. I like his kids and I do want them all to remain close and don't want to cause any rift. My intended has said he wants me to take over his finances and approached his daughter about doing so but I think there is much hesitation on her part. I don't have a problem in his giving to his children. In his position I would provide things that are needful also and expect him to continue to do so but just not every little thing that is wanted. I know it is harder for young people today. Thanks so much it really does help.
Both of you sit down and
Both of you sit down and kindly tell her that you are going to be taking over the finances now since you are going to be married. He is going to be your husband and she shouldn't have a problem with it. If she does, then there is probably more going on with her finances than you know, who knows she could be paying her own bills with her dads income, maybe thats why there is not much money after all these years?
Personally I think daughter
Personally I think daughter has been spending daddy's money like it's hers. I don't think she will give this up easily. My H had no savings when I met him either and although I don't have proof I pretty certain he was giving it all to the ex and his daughter out of guilt. I think he felt bad about divorcing her mother. We were still helping SD out through college and giving her money but I don't believe the checks were so frequent and large after he met and married me. I think your soon-to-be SD will resent giving up free access to daddy's check book. I also agree with Steperg. I think it is a very strange situation. I would have a good long talk with your intended if I were you. Somthing about this situation just doesn't sit right with me.
Thanks for past comments.
Thanks for past comments. Update is SD very recently turned over finances to me since her father and I are getting married soon. She still has a joint checking with her dad and so far this year, prior to me, has realized about $15,000 from his account (that she has free access to transfer from/to her joint account). I can see why she was hesitant to give up the control. I almost feel sorry for her and can empathize with losing the income (maybe lose it). Her dad hasn't seen the statements and I feel in a tight spot between them. Should I show him how much she really gained or let it go "from this day forward" I don't want to start a marriage with a "secret" and I honestly don't think he realized just how much money she used. He is a hard working man who loves his adult children very much. Again, she is married and her husband works. And they have a child less than one year old.
And the idea of he and I putting our money in the same account after marriage if she has access does not appeal to me. I work 6 days a week and earn a modest income but can take care of myself financially. Any suggestions on how to handle?
I wouldn't say anything to DH
I wouldn't say anything to DH since you did gain financial control. He knows he allowed her open access with no limitations...it was his choice as he was single then. He doesn't need to be told the amount if he were concerned about it he would have been checking. If he insists on keeping an open checking account with her fine...just have a separate checking and savings account for you and himself that she does not have access to. If direct deposit is an option just have an amount determined by you and your fiance together put into his joint account with his daughter...and the remainder of the balance of his income into the account(s) you both share...that way she wont feel like she has been totally thrown under the bus after years of taking care of her dads financial responsibilities, yet you will know that she is not getting more then you and DH determine she is entitled to. Good luck!
I've been trying but I can't
I've been trying but I can't stop thinking about her taking approx $30,000 of her father's money in the last year (and at a minimum of 5 years before this one) and from the bank statements, she and her husband enjoyed spending it on trips, show tickets, Ebay, etc... I don't think he realizes for a moment the amount of money she used. I feel he needs to know but this one is his favorite child. He is a good man who just trusted, and is bright and interesting in every other way, just not good with finances (partly because he is gone at his job where room and board is provided) and doesn't spend it himself that much), and I don't want to hurt him. But, shouldn't he know?? Thank you for your comments. I need the input and am going to go carefully on this. Just can't decide the course. Don't want to keep a secret but don't want to cause hurt either.
Well, her father knows now
Well, her father knows now and will be home soon. He had no idea of the amount she was using each month. Lots of shopping and large pays to her credit cards. I honestly believe him. I asked him not to address the issue with her until he gets home. I actually can feel sorry for her in that she may lose the income she is used to for 10 years. But, I'm a little concerned new baby will be used for sympathy. He says her access to the account will be closed. I DO NOT want a rift between her and any of his family and myself. He loves them dear as we all do our children. I believe she must have self-esteem problems. I just know I'm going to be the wicked step.... she made comment to mutual that she thought her dad would have learned (don't get married) after her own mother "took him to cleaners". And that she is NOT going to ever ask me for money cause daddy will give it to her when she needs it... She's in her 30's. Wow.
RED FLAG ALERT! I am a guy,
RED FLAG ALERT!
I am a guy, and that sniffs like poop, looks like poop...and hopefully is NOT poop.
He is definitely not telling you something. The legal ramifications of marriage (especially in your 50s) are quite great. I suggest you review his credit report. If he has nothing to hide, and truly loves you, he will understand your fears and not have a problem with it.
I know that sounds heartless, but when you sign on the line, you will be directly affected.
A word to the wise...
SOMETHING ELSE You could
SOMETHING ELSE
You could really help him (and yourself) by getting him on a regular savings and investment
program.
Just a simple money market account for savings, and a couple of diversified mutual funds for investing.
He is very lucky that you are in his life.
Thank you Louie... He will be
Thank you Louie...
He will be home this week and we will see. I already mentioned a savings and he mentioned contributing a regular amount monthly in his small investment account which hasn't been done for years. I appreciate your input. I believe in my heart he just trusted. I hope I'm right.
and, LOL, it felt like poop, too! when I saw the account/s... thanks again. Any advice on how to convince him to cut off the funds cold turkey and not wean (which I think he might) would be nice. I think if she had to ask him...that would be better. For one thing...she could get a JOB.