Getting to the end of my rope
Hi
My name is Dave i am 44 years old and been with my partner for 5 years. I do not have children of my own but my partner has 2 daughters who were teens when we met. From the get go I saw very concerning behaviour with stories of the girls getting into trouble often including run ins with the law and a story about a gun pulled in the home when the youngest was home alone. In the time we have been together both girls have been arrested and one was looking at potentially serious jail time up until just a couple weeks ago. These girls have always demanded things that are totally unreasonable and have in my opinion never shown either of us proper respect. There have been multiple instances of violence and trips to jail or the emergency room. In some cases people have ended up dead.
I have been working on my career in Real Estate and my partner is a wonderful person who is the opposite of these girls in so many ways. The influence comes mostly from their father who is a total narcicist who makes messes for us to clean up all the time. His actions are very deliberate he wants to make things difficult for us.
The oldest who is turning 25 this year moved in with us to figure her life out during the pandemic. To her credit she has finished school and is working as a PSW. The problem is she shows no respect at all! She pays no rent and doesn't lift a finger around the house ever. She brings men home and then tries to move them in without asking. She moved a guy in and it became a very serious problem. I had major issues with the guy I knew he was bad news. He ended up going to prison for first degree murder and I believe he killed a woman while flopping in our home. He got our home raided by the police and there was Fentynal and ammunition in a safe in her room that I had no idea was there. I was made aware before this that he had killed someone when he was a teenager and that it was just self defense and I can't forgive myself for allowing it. For months my partner and I fought about this guy and her daughter! My step daughter was arrested while we were on a vacation and she is lucky to have had her charges dropped (our vacation was ruined). I had to lose my mind on this guy and we almost came to blows when I kicked him out of my house. I am terrified that he will get out of jail somehow and kill us. It wasn't long after that we had to deal with another situation of her bringing another guy around every weekend. She got pregnant (2nd time since living with us) and had a miscarriage (2nd time) that was traumatic for her mother just 2 weeks ago. She acts like nothing even happened and I am sure its only a matter of time before we are picking up the slack yet again with a baby she cannpt handle.
The youngest got pregnat 2 years ago with a guy who had already assaulted her sister. When the news came my partner told me to man up and help make arrangments for a home so we could take her and the baby in. I was freaking out! Terrified and wanted to run if I am being honest. My entire life became about providing for her and the baby because the father was black and her racist father was going to kick her out for that. To say I was in sheer panic mode is an understatement. We made the move to a home I was not happy with and she told her dad who to everyones suprise did not kick her out. The jail bird father died a few months after the baby was born from a drug overdose. The baby is a wondeful child in that case we are so blessed. It came up recently that we may have to take her and the baby in and I am once again because her father is moving to another city. I am again terrified.
this past weekend was the youngest daughters 23rd birthday. As always we went out of our way to get her all the things she asked for. As usual no appreciation was shown. Earlier we had said we couldnt take the baby overnight because my partners mother was spending the night. Through a series of manipulative moves which these girls are masters of we ended up having to take the baby and I slept on the couch.
I shouldn't be so upset or at least I tell myself this. I am so frustraited about once again being walked all over and disrespected! I could make a list of all the ways these girls treat us like they don't care. I am at my wits end and we had a big fight last night again about it all. We have had so many foghts about the girls its erroded our relationship.
I am lost! I feel like its me or the girls. I already know the oldest will never pay rent and she is now talking about buying an expensive car. Any attempt to have her do her part will be met with anger and vicious verbal attacks.
I just want to cry....part of me thinks I have no place here in this dynamic. I am scared something really bad is going to happen. Someone is going to end up in prison or dead.
I could use a little help in making sense of my sitiation because I am at a total loss right now.
Help
If I were you, my one and
If I were you, my one and only goal would be to make sure that someone "who ends up in prison or dead" isn't me. In other words... my advice to you is to run (not walk) away from this situation. I know you're probably thinking that's impossible....You love the mother.... You don't want to ruin a "good" relationship (but really... it's not a good relationship)....Everything would be fine if it wasn't for the two daughters.
But... your partner doesn't seem at all willing to put you first. She's constantly bailing out her two delinquent daughters to the detriment of your relationship. That's not ok and it's going to be a long, painful road if it continues. I'm frankly shocked at what is allowed to go on in your home. Drugs? Murder? Felon boyfriends? No sane person would put up with that.
Just reading your story makes me... really tired. I can't imagine living in that chaos. Have you forgotten what a peaceful life is like? I'd rather be alone, in my own clean, safe, calm apartment than put up with all that drama. I just couldn't deal with all that.
So maybe it's time to lay it all out for your wife. Either they go or you go. Both daughters are adults. They can figure things out going forward (or not) but it's not your or your partner's responsibility to fix their problems. Usually people rise to the challenge of supporting themselves when they have no other option.
And it's always easier to blame the other bioparent. Often when we start dating someone we tend to look at the other bioparent as "the problem" and our SO as "the saint". Eventually though you see that BOTH parties shaped the kids. As an outsider looking in, I can already see red flags with your wife. Flags you are probably missing because you love her.
I don't have any quick fixes for you. It all hinges on what decisions you and your partner are willing to make. If you have the money, maybe you can afford to help them live somewhere else. Maybe a trailer or an apartment? Or maybe you live separately in your own place and still date your SO? In any event I would not want to stay under the same roof as these two (or the baby) and I certainly wouldn't be taking on any baby responsibilities.
I don't know if all the
I don't know if all the therapy and boundary setting in the world could fix this situation. Your SO may be great, but her baggage is literally deadly, and she seems to have no intention of setting limits. If you are a law-abiding, taxpaying citizen with morals, gtf away from this family. They seem to be part of the criminal underclass. Sorry if it sounds snobby, but it's a class difference. They are low class not because of their lack of money (and idk maybe they do have money but i doubt it), but by their lifestyle.
As someone who grew up in a
As someone who grew up in a family of extremely abusive, violent criminals like that, the drama and fear never ends. Get out and get out now. There is no amount of therapy that can fix this. You have to save yourself. As soon as I read your sentence about hospital visits and sometimes people being dead, I'm like, "oh hell no!" I'd be gone. In fact, I did go. I had to save my own life.
I cannot even begin to tell you the damage this does to a person. Constantly having to sleep with one eye open and wonder how your career and everything else will be impacted is beyond exhausting. I see that you're working hard to establish your career in real estate. Due to my insane family, my cousin can't be a realtor in my or her province. Our family members who have stolen large sums of money, committed fraud and committed embezzlement, impacted my cousin's background checks. Even though she tried to establish her own life and live a good clean life as a realtor, she was still seen as a family member of a bunch of ciminals and her real estate career got ruined before it even got off the ground. I've had my own struggles wtih my career because of my family impacting my background checks.
The stories I could tell you about when I was still young and stuck with my family...home invasions, fighting for my life, etc.
Get out. It's not worth it. Your partner may be lovely and different from those pieces of shit, but she loves them. She's a mother and grandmother and she's likely willing to die for them. There's a saying on here that comes up quite frequently, "love isn't enough." This is the epitomy of a time that love is not enough. You could pay with your life. That is if you don't pay with your career, mental health, etc. first.
Run fast and run far. You are not obligated to financially, emotionally support or house these wrecks of people. You are obligated to yourself though.
There isn't enough love in the world that would make me even have a fleeting thought of staying in that situation. I'm almost 58 and still in and out of therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life because of the situation you describe. Please save yourself and go. You might even want to consider relocating.
Please run
You sound like a great guy. Please save yourself.
You know the answer.
You just want to make sure you are not the crazy one in this crazy reality show. RUN. RUN. RUN.
Don't hesitate.
In all honesty ?
Love isn't enough in this situation. Please please leave. You will be so much happier eventually even if it doesn't feel that way now
Greetings Dave
Welcome to steptalk.
As the others have said, run dont walk away. There doesnt seem to be anything to work with here. You sound like you could use some time away for yourself to think about what you are doing and what your options are. Sometimes we are so far deep into a sick, toxic sludgy quagmire that it feels impossible to get out. It maybe feels like you have no options.
But you do have many options. Id say take the You Option.
Read around here, on the Blogs and in the other Forum topics. You are not alone, although Ive not heard many stories where death is concerned. Jailed SD's sometimes does happen. In fact Im surprised that SD24 Feral Forger hasnt gotten into trouble that way. Stealing is her thing. And Toxic Troll BM, Im surprised shes not been charged with assault as she has beaten on the eldest in front of the youngest.
So, definitely take some time away to consider how you want the rest of your life to go. Journaling here will certainly help!
Yep, RUN
Fast, far, don't look behind.
Oh, Hon!
Oh, Hon!
Your post had the hairs on the back of my neck rising! Your relationship with your wife and stepdaughters constitutes the epitome of ‘trauma bonding’:
And make no mistake, you are being abused in a myriad of ways. Your course of action in joining StepTalk is a huge step in the right direction, suggesting that you are ready to change your appalling homelife. Otherwise, you would not be here.
David, there is no remedy for your lethal situation apart from getting the hell out of Dodge! Your concerns about your life being in danger, a fear that, in most cases, would constitute extreme hyperbole, is valid!
Where are your parents? If you were my son (who is your age), I’d be kidnapping you from that hellhole of dysfunction and hiding you in my basement (metaphorically speaking). I don’t even know you and would love to rescue you from this mess.
Please, oh please, stick with us on StepTalk and listen to what we have to say! Many of us have been through hell and back (although your position takes the cake!) and know of what we speak. Hon, take your life back; you can do this!
So, what are you going to do differently?
I would rekey the locks and put the StepSpawn on the curb. They are adults. If you allow them to remain in your home, this is on you as much as it is on your SO and her failed family dirtbag criminal spawn.
Also, you do know that your So is a POS parent... right? Why do you try to mitigate your own SO's shit parenting? Not your spawn, not your problem.
And, when you rekey the locks to put the SD's on the curb, put their mother there too.
Save yourself. The SO and her spawn are not salvageable. Don't waste your life, your time and your resources even trying.
And a "wonderful person" does not raise two criminal POS spawn who gravitate to murderers and criminals. You need to up your standards.
smh
Frightening
As others have said, RUN don't walk away. Your SO tells YOU to man up when her daughter gets pregnant???! Hells, no! There are good women out there. You are not living with good women. Get out asap.
Too Much
The situation you are living with is just too much. It will not change for the better ever. For the sake of your sanity and peace of mind, you can't have SD's living with you and you need to cut off any financial support. If this were me, I'd run away and start over far far away. Consider detaching from their drama and inappropriate reliance on you. IF DW is not with you, some tough choices are ahead. But this is just too much for a person to have in their life.
where do you see this mess in
where do you see this mess in 5 years? be honest w/ yourself.
I really don’t think your
SO is great. She may be great in bed. But she shows no respect for you. She is allowing her DD to distroy your life, home and happiness. This is not what a GREAT person does. It's coming down to DD,s or you. You are not wrong, for not wanting your home raided by the police.
These SD can live there life anyway they see fit. But not in your home. Not with your money. You must tell the great SO. That these DD must go, if she has a problem with that she can go with them,