Getting off this emotional toxic roller coaster!
Its been a long while since I have been on here.
I have been married to my dh for 17 years and we dated a little over a year. There is just something about this being close to 20 years together and all the crap I have put up with from my dh kids. You will have to look at my posts rather than me type it all. There is just too much.
We have been estranged from SD34 for around 12 years, we are on and off with SS29 (currently off), and once again estranged from SD36.
SD36 had come down for Christmas with her dh and 5 kids. Normally I would totally dread their visit but I had chosen not to even think about it. We actually had a very nice christmas. I even shared with my life group from church how nice it was. The very day I shared how nice things went with my life group I get a text message from SD36 that was very passive aggressive but the bottom line of the message was that because she did not approve of our political views (we are Trump supporters) that we were not welcome in her home. She went on to advise me to let her know when we have moved passed maga. She then ended it "with a heavy heart".
There was just something about the fact that I have been with my dh for close to 20 years. Close to 20 years of rejection, superiority, and being their target of dislike and hate. Close to 20 years of being the scapegoat. Close to 20 years of SD36 being nice one minute and then smacking me with some mean statement or action the next. Close to 20 years of ungratefulness and her passive agressive games. There was only one word that kept screaming in my head. That word was "DONE"
This time after receiving SD36 text, it did something to me. I know longer even wanted to try and have a relationship. I was so tired of the back and forth. The ups and downs. The never knowing when the next blatant rude statement would come or the next passive agrressive game. I told my dh that SD36 was NOT welcome in my home unless & until I got a full sincere apology.
Before I had received SD36 text, My dh and I had sent a birthday gift via Amazon to SD36's 11 year old son. SGS11 had showed us what he wanted for his birthday and we ordered it and had it sent to him. I then get a message from Amazon that there had been a problem with the order. We were not sure if sgs11 got the birthday gift or not. That situation gave my dh an excuse to try and contact SD36. He tried to call. No answer. He sent a text explaining the problem with the gift and that SGS11 might need to pick out a different gift. SD36 responded with, "Okay, but I am serious about absolutely no contact from you!"
Two months later we recevie correspondence from SD36. She sent a letter to her dad and a card to me with her written message. My written message went on & on about how much she & her family love me and that she hopes I know that. In the letter to my dh she stated that they had moved and that she knows he must be surprised to hear from her. She went on to say that she knows he may be disappointed in her & their choices but that she is proud of herself and her family.
After the letters were read, my dh advised me Not to throw them away. I could feel fear rising up in me. I am thinking "here we go again". We will pretend like nothing has happened and SD36 will be right back to continue this sick toxic cycle.
First chance I got, I wrote SD36 back. I got her new address from the return on the envelope to us. In the letter I confronted her past and present actions and told her that you don't treat people you love the way she treats me or the way she treats her father. I also brought up the fact that she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING. I went on to say "Apologies are crucial for reconciliation. A true aplogy helps a person feel more confident about risking a relationship with you in the future." I went on to tell her she was not welcome in my home unless and until I got a full apology and I described what a real apology is. I stated "Components of a sincere apology are, *I am sorry for...WHAT YOU DID, *It is my fault...Taking ownership for WHAT YOU DID, *Asking....What can I do to make it right for what I DID." I then signed it "Until I get a sincere apology, You are not welcome in my home! I will no longer ride this toxic emotional roller coaster.
I mailed the letter. I did not say anything to my dh about it. A couple weeks later he states that he needs to try and call SD36. I then told him that I had mailed her a letter. All he said was "uh-oh". My dh holds alot of his feelings in. A few days later he let me know that it made him angry that I had written her. He was upset that he didn't get to read the letter first and was upset that I did not keep a copy. I told my dh that I did not let him see the letter because I did not want him to CENSOR ME! I also told him I did make a copy. So he now knows I wrote a letter and that I made a copy. He has yet to ask to read it. That has been about five months ago.
A couple weeks ago we were having my dh's family over for dinner. His brother & sister-n-law, and his sister. He decides he would send a message to SS29 and invite him to come (he never replied). He then stated he was going to call SD36 and invite her & her family. I told him to please not call her. He stated "I can't believe you said that". I then told him that I do not want to see her. I told him he can have a relationship with her, he can call her, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HER" I advised my dh that I will not keep him from having a relationship with his daughter. I went on to tell him that I will not allow him to force me to have a relationship with her.
I do not expect to hear from SD36. I did leave the door open (IF) she can give a sincere apology. Like I said. She has NEVER apologized to us for anything.
Just for the record, if I had
Just for the record, if I had received a letter from someone who had made it clear they wanted no contact with me, I wouldn't even have opened it, I'd have written "Return to sender" on it and put it in a letterbox.
Apart from that, stick to your guns about not wanting her in your home. Your DH sounds like a pushover, one non-negative comment and he forgives and forgets...
You Can Also Get A Stamp Made
They come in handy.
"just sayin'"
: )
Politics, personal issues,
Politics, personal issues, religion... If people don't like you they will have a million reasons. I would let it go.
BTW some of my good friends have completely opposite political ideology, I have another with vastly different religious views. It's possible to be civil with someone and just not go into that topic. If you like someone you will always be able to find a reason why you like them and continue to respect them regardleas of differences. Likewise if you hate someone you can always find a reason why you hate them, however small.
I would let it go, they are estranged and want to keep it that way. You don't need to have the last word and moral high ground, let it go. You will never get that apology.
Do you have bio grandchildren
Do you have bio grandchildren you can focus on?
Yes I do. I have 2 bio
Yes I do. I have 2 bio grandkids.
Great! Zoom with them or take
Great! Zoom with them or take them out or visit or whatever you prefer. Ignore the sgrands/adult skids.
yuck
I just see this in my future with SD22 Feral Forger. Shes still living with her mother Toxic Troll, and they have a VERY sick cycle whereby the go at each other and FF will push TT's buttons harder and harder, TT will tell her "move out! You have x days". And then FF will slime her way back into good graces.
This last round was over a ride to a doctor office. And screen caps of the argument were broadcast to DH's family group text.
Of course, Dh is not on this group text, so FF texted him directly the screen caps and he had to tell her "no" and she needs to make better life choices.
So, then, even though my name was never brought up, she figures that she should text me something to push my buttons.
it went like this: "You know, ever since you showed up my father hasnt been a father..." and then went on to detail how I traumatized her and yelled at her, and her mother yells at her and traumatized her and her father is just a sperm donor now, and "thanks for taking my dad away!" lol. I never responded...I so want to but because of this site, I am not going to put any energy towards her any longer. No lunches, no bday presents or Christmas cash...NADA. This "woman" doesnt even have a drivers license and I doubt she has a job any longer.
I am 8 years in this. She moved out on her own 4 years ago. And she keeps trying to move back in!
I will never sacrifice my happiness, I dont care whose kid it is. I have no bios and have a decent relationship with SD15. SD15 said she heard the text being dictated to siri and apologized for me having to go through that.
I havent responded. I am so done.
Thank you. The Done Club. Has
Thank you. The Done Club. Has a nice ring to it
Looks like they can't be happy unless there is drama. FF plays the poor widdle victim that needs counseling because everyone is so mean to her. Poor traumatized baby.
The politics were a simple
The politics were a simple excuse for re-starting the drama. She wanted to make it clear that SHE rejected YOU.
Completely disengage. Even with an apology it is not good enough. She has her family and DH can engage with her seperately. Don't send more letters, and don't let her worm her way back in, because it will be lather-rinse-and-repeat of the drama and rejection of you.
Yup, just an excuse. I have
Yup, just an excuse. I have family/friends of different political stripes, but we just don't talk about it for the most part.
Unless someone is constantly
Unless someone is constantly overbearing and annoying, and trying to shove their political views down my throat, I really don't care what their political views are, and I find it odd to use that as an excuse to go "no contact" with somebody.
But, I also don't get the, "without a sincere apology, you are not welcome in my home (or life or whatever)". I just don't see how giving somebody an ultimatum to get an apology, works. If they really, and sincerely, wanted to apologize, don't you think they would do that on their own? How sincere do you think the apology is if it is demanded? If it is given, only in return for something else?
This is not the first time
This is not the first time she has gone no contact. The politics where simply her excuse this time.
As far as "without a sincere apology, you are not welcome in my home", That's the whole point! My SD will NEVER apologize. She has never apologized for ANYTHING. After our first estrangement back in 2008 (1 1/2 years no contact) sd contacted my dh. She wanted to meet with him. He wanted her to come to our home. She refused. She wanted to meet him in a public place (like he was some kind of danger to her). She wanted me to be there as well. I refused, so my dh went and met with her at the park. This went on for a couple months. They would also talk on the phone and all I could tell was she was putting the blame for the estrangement anywhere and everywhere but on herself. Never did she apologize.
Now I feel if my dh wants to see her, he can go meet her in the park like they did before. He can go to her home, he can call her. He can do what ever he wants. I just want to be left out of it all and I don't want her in my home. I will simply tell him that close to 20 years of abuse is more than enough.
However if, and that is a big IF, if she sincerely apologizes I will forgive her. I think I will be able to tell if it is sincere or not. I laid it out. She would have to apologize. I don't see that happening. She will have to take ownership for what she has done (and state it out), I don't see that happening either AND She will have to ask the question, "What do I need to do to make it up to you?" She is too full of pride for that. That is NOT going to happen.
When I First Experienced The Wrath Of SD I Too Thought I Wanted
an apology. That lasted only days until I had an epiphany moment and blocked her from my life in every way possible. DH even asked me to block her on his phone, and told me he wishes he could see her face to face to let her know how she's f'd up his life. I showed him how to facetime or Zoom with her. *Crickets*
You've already won the game because you KNOW, (as I also know in my situation) she will NEVER SINCERELY apologize, NOR OWN THEIR ACTIONS.
This one tried sending a group text apology, after she had emailed, called and texted DH multiple apologies (to ensure her inheritance was in tact) but for me, I was only worthy of being included on a group text, to which she began with, "I want to apologize AGAIN..." This was nothing more than a paper trail in the even I filed a RO on her, and to show daaadeee she could "play nice." Oh, and daaadee was overjoyed, showing me the phone, 'Look! See? She's apologizing. Did you get it on your phone?" Um...nope because I blocked her from my life. I did send it to myself from his phone for my "records."
Well I had NEVER received an apology. You and I agree upon what elements are necessary for this.
When DH asked, "What would it take to get her back in our lives?" I told him, she needed to apologize to ME individually by either a phone call, letter or card. That apology should tell me she owns the behavior and how she is going to make changes to that in the future.
Like you, I KNEW SHE WOULD FLAT OUT REFUSE.
We win! We do not have to be in their presence any longer and play the headgame.
Romans 8:18...it's really so wonderful!
Best Wishes!
Tell your DH he is welcome to
Tell your DH he is welcome to continue riding the roller coaster but you are done. You also don't need his approval to stand up for yourself when you are treated poorly. And people who treat you poorly are not welcome in your home. Who else is he ok with coming to your home and mistreating you? Just his daughter? Why is that? Also tell him that men who are their daughter's doormats are very unsexy.
My OSD46 has never apologized for anything either.......she feels her emotions of the moment justify her actions regardless of how they affect anyone else.
I would not expect an apology from your SD. She, like my OSD, likely feels she is justified for her actions.
So Perfectly Advised!
"Tell your DH he is welcome to continue riding the roller coaster but you are done. You also don't need his approval to stand up for yourself when you are treated poorly. And people who treat you poorly are not welcome in your home. Who else is he ok with coming to your home and mistreating you? Just his daughter? Why is that? Also tell him that men who are their daughter's doormats are very unsexy."
Iconic!
Worthy of a statue in your honor, complete with coin tossing pond!
I couldn't have said it better, but I am glad you did!
Rock on, my sister!
Why are people assuming she's
Why are people assuming she's being a twat for breaking on politcal differences? Lots of families do, even biological ones. Political and religious differences indicate a difference in values. Extremists on both sides are responsible for the way things are today, and they never stop and think about how their beliefs might be flawed.
Politics was her excuse THIS
Politics was her excuse THIS time. SD has shown a history of rejecting us. If she has an opportunity to throw us under the bus, she throws us under the bus. IF she can find an excuse, she will use it. If she can not find an excuse, she will fabricate one. She is ALWAYS the victim and her dad and I are ALWAYS the villain.
I have been a very good stepmom. Unfortunately, I have never been accepted by my skids. Tried of being rejected. After close to 20 years of it, I am simply worn out. I don't have the strength or the will to continue working to keep people in my life who do not want to be there.