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Frightened of What May Happen

somuchlove's picture

I am new -Hello everyone! I have been in a relationship for almost seven years with my fiance, we got engaged two years ago and are now planning our wedding for next year. I have one adult daughter age 21, and he has two adult sons ages 19 and 25. We live in separate homes but very close together in the same neighborhood and all of the children live at home. We both have good relationships with each other's children. I fear that our conflicting parenting styles will not only ultimately drive us apart but more so that my oldest SS is a danger to himself and possibly others. His father hardly ever addresses his very serious issues and as long as there is no emergency situation he acts as if all is well. He has had several scary incidents over the past several years that ranged from reckless to downright life threatening and I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion every day that he doesnt get serious professional help. My fiance will agree with everything I say about how serious the issue is, but then acts annoyed with me when I bring it up when nothing happens and feels like Im judging him or my SS to the point we've had nasty arguments. I LOVE both boys like my own (neither has ever disrespcted me or been rude in any way)...I feel like I can cook, clean, help with any and everything to do with their welfare and wellbeing i.e. jobs, schools, etc but I am shut out completely by my fiance when it comes to addressing anything negative. I not only want to help but I want to ensure the safety of everyone and it doesnt always feel safe.  My daughter nor my youngest SS are not angels but they are not engaged in any activities or behaviors that are dangerous. See some of the backstory about the oldest below:

Odd behaviors: wearing pitch black sunglasses indoors in broad daylight or public outings the entire time, isolations(staying in his room for extended periods of time , may not see him for 2-3 days except for him rarely going to kitchen or bathroom), lack of accountability for his actions when retelling a story about something he did, paranoia (thinking people are plotting against him or conspiring), recent serious injury from a fist fight, he has put knives in his little brothers door and trashed his room when he was angry at him, fiance has had to call the police on him when he was irate before and he tried to attack the father while the police were present

Substance abuse: He is an alcoholic. We have gone in his room when he wasnt there and doow was unlocked and observed poorly hideen stacks of beer and liquor bottles. His room occasionally has a sweet stench which I suspect is ketoacidosis smell. He's injured himself while drunk as well(fell on face). He also smokes weed and we suspected some other harder stuff a few years ago but that was unconfirmed, 

Criminal activity: random summonses for public drinking, urination, farebeating(also at lest 2 arrests for these), fired from jobs for his outbursts when he feels wronged or suspicious to the point that he trashed one place and they had him arrested but did not press charges (it was a local place and we spoke with the owner who mentioned his increasing paranoia and bad attitude) , a recent DUI that did not result in jail time just fines and other penalties while I was PRAYING he'd be mandated to a substance treatment program. His BAC was .27. Her could have killed someone or himself and passenger.

Family History: His mom is a recovering alcoholic. The mother is an enabler because she supplied him with the car knowing he is struggling with his alcohol use but she will do anything to stay in good graces. Her and my fiance were together for many years and had a tumultuous, toxic relationship (I know for sure there were lous nasty arguments and physical altercations. I suspect my eldest SS saw and heard a lot,the youngest was very little when they broke up. I believe both parents tolerate and overlook a lot out of guilt (both have expressed this). The mother left the home and was only present occasionally for many years, having only come back in their life as a strong presence past 2 years after her own treatment.There was never any counseling or therapy to address anything for boys.

I want to help but I dont want to end up on the front page of a newspaper or see him there either. As our wedding approaches and I get closer to moving in with my fiance this is a bigger and bigger issue. I read the newspaper and see family tragedies everyday and don't want to become one. 

somuchlove's picture

 We are both human service professionals and very knowledgeable about these issues so it boggles my midnd why my fiance refuses to buckle down and address anything. My daughter and other SS are both either in school or working and engaged in positive prosocial activities. I foresee the only one who wont be able to live independently is the oldest SS because of his behaviors/addiction with us having to bail him out of jam after jam. He also has no close friendships and his acquaintances are shady, also no girlfriends/boyfriends or dating.

Survivingstephell's picture

Have you considered postponing the wedding until this is all sorted out?  It most certainly won't get better after the marriage ceremony, don't think that will change anything.  These kids are at the launching age, what are the other two like? Are they on their way or still hanging around searching for a road to follow?  What are the plans for the houses?  If you move into his house, the SSs will still consider it their home and feel very comfortable crashing there forever.  

There are plenty of stories on here with dad's that are in denial about who their kids really are.  I'd say its the number one reason stepmoms end up here, dad's who won't parent.  Can you live with all this drama from SS and not be involved, disengaged from it all?  Are you willing to watch future husband throw money at the SS, there by coming up short concerning financial goals you agreed on as a couple?  

You have not been able to change future husband's  behavior so far, do you think a marriage license will give you more pull? I doubt it and many on here will say it doesn't.  You are both in the business so you know what you would tell a client if they told you this story.  Why are you buying into his denial??

 

somuchlove's picture

Thank you for your input. You asked some great questions that I really thought deeply about. I know I wont be disengaged from it all because I am very involved in anything that happens with any of them....Ive been front and center for every crisis, emergency, and situation. Sitting in the courthouse waiting for release, researching lawyers, etc...Im always right in the middle. It's very stressful. I went through a rough patch with my own daughter when she was a teen...but we got through it with family and individual counseling so I see the benefit of intervention not to mention from work experiences. Her and my other SS are seemingly happy, both working, he's in college and she has multiple certifications in her field , she is saving and planning to move out on her own soon. The other stepson works in a construction fiield but not consistently.Fiance and I have differing views on lots of things....he doesnt encourage the boys to help out around the house, he pays for everything, and he literally comes home and cooks dinner every night. So I feel that once I move there, I will be like wicked stepmother if I try to say anything. My house is run very differently, my daughter is considered an adult and behaves likes one. The only thing I provide is shelter...she buys all her own stuff and contributes to the household bills. So I dont know how these two very different households will mesh. I have considered delaying the wedding more seriously as of late

marblefawn's picture

My SD is bad enough to ruin my marriage and your SS sounds a few times worse.

Survivingstephell is right. You're in the business. What do you tell someone who sees all the writing on the wall but refuses to read it?

At least do yourself a favor and don't marry him. You live so close to him, what's the difference?

The difference is you won't be making your daughter's life miserable by forcing her to live with a SS who sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen. If you don't want to save yourself, why would you subject your daughter to that mess?

somuchlove's picture

Thats a great point and it really hits home at thinking about how this could impact my daughter. There was a time when I was scared to sleep with the  bedroom door unlocked when Im there so I know my gut is telling me something. Sometimes I feel like Im being overly worried but the facts are there and cant be disputed 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Your gut is telling you this young man is dangerous, so why are YOU in denial of that?  That's even worse than your fiance denying there is anything negatively wrong with his son. 

This guy is exhibiting extremely dangerous behaviors.  You are being a fool if you think loving kindness and turning a blind eye will somehow make things alright.  Furthermore, you are WAY too involved in this for your own good.

If SS25 goes off the deep end, he may come gunning (literally) for everyone he feels is against him - and that may very well include you and your daughter.  I would never sleep under the same roof with him, ever.

I suggest you read up on Nikolas Cruz, Adam Lanza, James Holmes,  Seung Hui-Choi,  etc. etc. etc.   I think you will find many similarities in these killers' behaviors and paranoia, and your soon-to-be SS.

Don't get married and for God's sake don't move into the home where this guy lives.   Tell your fiance that you must postpone the wedding until his son gets professional help and shows improvement. 

thinkthrice's picture

RUN!!! There are a kabillion red flags waving in your face and it will NOT end well.

Particularly troublesome is your SO's complete denial and ostrich syndrome.  

At the very most, friends with benefits.  What if SS becones a serial killer? The tragic results...the massive amounts of legal fees and psychiatric care...

Just run...find yourself a nice, child free gut.  LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!! Consider yoursrlf WARNED.

thinkthrice's picture

RUN!!! There are a kabillion red flags waving in your face and it will NOT end well.

Particularly troublesome is your SO's complete denial and ostrich syndrome.  

At the very most, friends with benefits.  What if SS becones a serial killer? The tragic results...the massive amounts of legal fees and psychiatric care...

Just run...find yourself a nice, child free guy.  LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!! Consider yoursrlf WARNED.

LOVE does NOT overcome all.

TrueNorth77's picture

Why is a 25yr old living at home to begin with? I would tell your SO that you will not move in as long as he is living there. Why would you move Into that potentially dangerous situation when you could stay living in the same neighborhood? 

disrestep's picture

Your fiancé is in denial of his sons's toxic behavior.

Do yourself a huge favor and do not get married or move in with him UNTIL THE LOSER, LAW BREAKING, son of your fiancé is moved out FOR GOOD. Do you really actually think you can stand living in a home with a drunk, drug addict?

Seriously, you should know that an adult, addicted personality, scumbag cannot be fixed until his spends a long time in rehab, prison or the like. And that might not work.

Do you want to move in with them and have them steal from you? Steal from your daughter? Have druggie and drunk friends at your house? Possible get violent because he is so drugged up or drunk? Hurt you or your husband, other family members? 

Sure, planning for a wedding is super-fun and having to put it off is very hard. But, geez, you could be saving someone's life, if not your own. I don't mean to be overly-blunt, but it is hard to hear about good people getting into bad situations they could of prevented.

best of luck to you in the future.

daphne_40x's picture

A former employee of mine lost an older sister to a mentally unstable step son.  He had erratic, violent behavior and one day he stabbed her to death, and paralyzed his father in the same attack.  

I know this is a sensational story, but after what happened I personally would not marry someone who lived with a violent child.

somuchlove's picture

I married my fiancé and moved in. The past several years have been difficult, I am now ready to leave and divorce. I moved in with my husband and 2 adult stepsons, my adult daughter wanted her own place and to live independently and moved into our rental apartment upstairs (tenant was moving out at same time so that worked great). My husband still refuses to set appropriate boundaries with my stepsons (aged 24 and 31) or make them pay any bills (not for the money but for the learned responsibility!) The oldest SS is still in the throes of his alcohol abuse and I am more fearful than ever about what could happen. The first few years he unofficially really didnt live here and stayed with a gf, she eventually tired of his chaos and that relationship ended, I suspect in violence as the police came looking for him with a warrant a few weeks after he returned home. She dropped the charges. Since he's been back home he's been punched in the face by two different strangers due to his obnoxious behaviors while intoxicated and may also have a pill addiction based on my observation of his random and frequent ER visits. He gets paranoid in a scary way; accusing us of having cameras in the home and his brother of sleeping with his ex. He's verbally threatened his brother with a gun and knife while angry and intoxicated- he has an unreasonable rivalry in his head with him that's terrifying. He's quiet and isolated in his room most days but when every few months it's something chaotic with him. My husband enables him by continuing to pay his phone bill and not holding him to any adult standards, he keeps saying I don't know what to do - I don't have the answers. I've come up with different ways to encourage him to go to a real rehab program and my husband refuses to do anything for fear of "pushing him away". My SS latest paranoid rant made me wonder if he is experiencing delusions or psychosis, his accusations so far fetched and untrue. I don't feel safe and really wish I  trusted my gut and didn't move in here. I love both my SS and hate to break up the family but I can't be here and not be at peace. We also now have a 2yo grandchild that I need to be safe at all times when she visits our home. Enough. But I know it won't be easy. My husband makes big promises to fix everything everytime I get to this point and I've fallen for it every time, this time is really different and i have to have a safe home to come to every day. I should have listened ! 

Rags's picture

Meanwhile 5yrs later and back at the ranch.  

Marriage does not fix a shit relationship dynamic. Just as spawning does not fix a shit relationship or magically turn a proven shit parent of failed family progeny into a stellar parent to their second round children. No matter how much hope we may have.

Please do leave. Leave now. 

Before you are on the news when yout batshit crazy SS kills you and the rest of the family.

I am so sorry that your gut was right, and that you against everyone's concerns and advice went forward with diving into this shit gene pool by marrying the originator of it.

You do not have to keep splashing around in the effluent.  

Move on, take care of yourself, live well.  

That part can't happen if you stay.

IMHO of course.

AgedOut's picture

your gut told you something and you went the other way. your gut is screaming at you now. run. run before you can't. 

Winterglow's picture

By refusing to get his son the help he so clearly needs, your husband is doing more harm than good. Scared of pushing him away? Seriously? The kid has it way too good in your home and will always come back like a magnet. What's not to like? No responsibities, no chores, free food, no rules... he gets to keep all of his money for his booze etc.

This sounds like ultimatum time. Either his sons move out and stand on their own two feet, the elder one going through treatment at the same time,or you are out of there. How can you respect such a weak man who actively enables his sons?

If you need an extra push, just imagine how much worse things can be if you stick around for another 5 years and things continue to get worse at the same rate. The trouble is that things tend to get worse much faster the longer you are there. 

It's time to think of your health, your survival and your enjoyment of life. Forget these people - they are takers and you, unfortunately are a giver. They are taking you for everything they can.

Life is way too short to tolerate any more of this chaos and fear and you, dear lady, deserve to much better. Open your cage and fly far away.

Yesterdays's picture

I hope that you do find the courage to leave this man. For your safety and a much better life with them out of the picture and far behind. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

You need to change your monikker from "So Much Love" to "Tough Love."

I don't mean to offend, but in my opinion, you are desperately in need of psychological help yourself. Not family counseling. Psychological help.

"He's verbally threatened his brother WITH A GUN and knife while angry and intoxicated-"  Read this out loud a few times to your coworkers, friends, relatives and even a stranger on the street. I will guarantee you 100% that everyone will say this is an enviroment to get out of IMMEDIATELY. 

There is no way that anyone with a healthy mindset would STILL be in this situaion five years later. Let alone go into it in the first place. So many people gave you warnings five years ago not to move in with this man but you did so anyway. There is nothing more that any of us can tell you at this point since you didn't listen then.

Please get yourself some help.  If you can't do that, then at least tell your daughter she needs to move away from this house before she becomes a victim. At least you might be able to save HER life. 

Rags's picture

Life is a long string of "what might happen" events.

Do not sabotage your life over what might happen. It is a self fullfilling self sacrificing mental sequence.

Stop that.

The sitaution you are dealing with is IMHO a pure enforcement of standards and boundaries excercise and not a what might happen excercise. 

Though it is abundantly clear that misery is what will continue to happen for you if you remain in this tragic situation.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You have two choices: stay and become collateral damage, or save yourself and get out. Because your H doesn't want to get healthy.

Your H and his sons are all sick together, but your H is the ringleader. He enables the older son in his addiction and keeps the younger son dependent on him. Highly dysfunctional. Most women wouldn't touch that mess with a ten foot pole, yet you married into it. Why do you think that is? Please attend some Al Anon meetings and start therapy so you can fix that broken picker. The only person you can save is YOU.

My late FIL enabled his addict daughter for decades. They were enmeshed, and he liked having SIL dependent on him. Then he died. SIL was middle-aged, but couldn't adult and struggled every day. She died two years ago, far too young. And my own mother did a similarly twisted dance with my alcoholic brother until she died. So yes, I know a bit about what you're up against. Please update us when you're out.

BobbyDazzler's picture

These types of codependent relationships never sort themselves out by living in denial and making excuses. You made your choice and now you have a decision to make. I agree with others' advice.  Get the heck out of there ASAP. Love, no matter how hard we want it to, doesn't fix disfunctional, dangerous situations like this one.  Please seek counseling for yourself and make an exit plan and follow through immediately. Good luck and stay safe.