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First Post - Excommunication

Hippiemama's picture

I have one bio kid with my husband who is 2yrs old and two step daughters who are 19 and 22.  The oldest SD likes me, the other one has never been warm or kind to me from day one (deleted me from her social media, Bc she didn't like seeing her dad with me, doesn't say thank you when I get her a gift, eye rolling, not social, winces when I go to hug her, just acts like I'm beneath her or something).  I'm naturally a really warm, loving person, I did have a reservation about dating someone with kids but I thought they were older so they wouldn't be a problem.  Well thankfully they lived with their mom in another state.  I am pretty sure the ex wife has narcissistic personality disorder, the angsty younger daughter is the golden child and the older  one is the scapegoat.  I feel kinda bad for them because it's been made apparent that their mother is an extremely selfish person and I see them as products of their upbringing.  My husband was in the military so the skids have a relationship with him but are very close to their mother who was there more often when he deployed and trained.  They all got divorced when his kids were like 10ish -and I came into their lives about when they were 14 and   18.  I've been married for 5 years and it's just come to a point where I feel I just don't ever want to deal with them again.  The oldest SD even though she likes me, I really don't like her personality, she is extremely immature and all of them are very inconsiderate and they are very much takers.  It always feels like "well what can you do for me" when I am with them.  It's not that any of them are on drugs or crazy and I don't have to see them often at this point but when we do have to mesh up it's so stressful and my husband and I will argue.  Sometimes he is capable of understanding where I'm coming from but I feel most times he is going to defend his kids behavior and it's happened enough that it's left me a bit resentful to him mainly and just having to interact with them.  When I got pregnant the 19 yr old was like we should name your baby "idiot" and a bunch of other really immature names.  My husband talked to her about it later but she kept showing a lot of apathy and was kinda bitchy the whole time. I felt like I really tried to be cool with his kids in the beginning so I didn't get where that was coming from but she was 17 so I gave her some room to grow up.  I would buy them gifts, reach out to them every once in a while, pay for them to go on trips, but it just seems like the kindness wasn't returned, moreover it would bother me when my husband wouldnt empathize with my side of things.  What really triggered me wanting to just be done with them is how they treated my daughter.  They act like she doesn't exist  but just hit us up when they want things.  I'm not trying to go into details of the stories just trying to explain the feelings I have.  I am just tired of it all, and I guess I just want to divorce them kids lol.  Anyways, I'm just over these feelings and the stress of it all, I want them to live great lives but i feel guilty for not caring to pursue anything with them anymore.  I don't hate them, but I feel like my life would be so much more happier without them in it at this point.  I know some people have it way worse and I'm not really going into every story on here but just understand my patience has run dry for me and I just want a life free of toxic energy I have the ability to rid myself of.  They are both somewhat grown and out in the world but i just kinda want to change my number and never hear from them again because I don't want to give them the opportunity to drain me, nor do I want to create more opportunities to be irritated with my husband.   Is it okay to just let the relationship whither away with young adult step children for your own mental health?

Rags's picture

Yes, it is okay to let them rot on the vine of their hollow family tree.  Focus on your child and your marriage and make sure you outline the behavioral crap for your DH so he can stay up on the behavioral crap from his prior failed family progeny.

Hippiemama's picture

Rot on the vine of their hollow family tree hahahah.  That should legit be in a hallmark card.  Yeah I think it's headed there and I just need to not feel guilty about it and focus on me and mine.  They aren't completely horrible but I really am just over it and that's okay too.

islandgal2021's picture

Ignore them - it will kill them. Focus on you and yours - life is way too short!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I am so over feeling guilty or empathetic when it comes to SKs.

Trust me when I tell you it's very freeing when you just stop caring.  Ambivalence is what I feel now and it gives me the freedom to focus on living my life and putting my efforts into DS. Which as far as I am concerned is the way it should be. They are not my kids after all. 

Lifer33's picture

I'd say it's perfectly acceptable. They're adults or pretty much now, you don't have to have anything to do with them if you don't want to. You don't have to change your number, just block them on everything. Don't buy them owt, or enquire after them, just let dh try and maintain a relationship with his brats 

Harry's picture

For disengaging.   Let DH handle his kids.  You buy a bunch of cards and just send one for each event. Birthday, holidays 

You are doing your part, 

FinallySkidFree's picture

I mean when the 17 y/o said you should name your baby Idiot, that would have put me over the edge. My retort to that would have been "Now why would I name my baby after you?" *ROFL*

It is totally ok to completely pretend these kids don't exist. They are adults, you don't need to be nice to ill mannered adults. 

 

Hippiemama's picture

If only I had thought that quickly.  I love that 

CLove's picture

Im currently reading it. I can send to you as its a "pass along" thing.

Pm me if interested.

Basically, you need to stop doing and stop reaching out. They dont appreciate it and it only makes them think "oh look - shes trying to WIN US OVER! How precious! Lets keep being jerks because that seems to be working!"

Just stop. Do not reach out, be cordial and civil if they reach out to you, or when you are together. Polite. Do not discuss your skids with your DH - if it is causing arguments that are sucking the life out of you and damaging your relationship, just practice the "Art of the HMMMMMM".

DH: "Skids are doing this that and the other thing..."

You: "HMMMMMM. HM?, ahahmmmm. Whats the weather like outside?"

DH: "I think we should have skids over for dinner"

You: "Hmmmm? ahammmmm. What would you like for dinner tonight? Pizza?"

If you are unable to vent your frustrations because your DH is taking it as ccriticism of his precious poopsies, then take the air out of that balloon. 

Your story is not new and unusual. From what Im reading, when a SM comes into a skids life in their teens, they see it as they are "taking away their daddy". This is a difficult age even in regular intact families, but you do not have that bond created to rise that through. And the BM apparently has mentai health issues. My Bm, Toxic Troll does this as well - Narcissistic Triangulation - Golden Child/Scapegoat = they fight for her love, they are enmeshed and they are reflections of her, that whole thing.

I have reached out to SD22 Feral Forger, but I will not live with her. She does nothing reciprocal, either (it is hard to do anything when you are carless, licenseless, jobless...)

SD15 - we have a good history, but just recently she thew me under the bus, I am disengaging right now.

Keep putting ALL your energy into yourself, your little, and your marriage. 

Hippiemama's picture

I've told my DH that I'm not coming back to this god forsaken area with his kids.  We have our own lives and issues to deal with.  I think someone else is right when they said block them.  I feel a little bad for the SD23 because she is nicer but I just really don't like how immature she is.  It's very much a one sided relationship where she gets a lot of good from me and I get nothing from her but when I try to bring up stuff it's ineffectual.  It's like they really can't absorb what I'm saying because they are so dumb.  For example, they didn't come to my baby shower after we paid for the flight Bc she got scared to fly last minute..... she just does annoying shit like that.  She is oblivious to her behaviors and even when I tell her it's like "oopsies ". It's just like dealing with a 13 yr old emotionally.  I don't hate her but I just don't like her on even a personality level so I'm over it.  

tfsimmons's picture

I bought and read that book - had absolutely nothing to share with issues of - let's say "older steps kids" - wearing on marital relationships! Glad it works for you - gave me major "eye roll"...

Merry's picture

Think of these girls as distant cousins, or neighbors, or friends of friends. You don't have to have a relationship with them, but you do need to be cordial. It would be great if you could have a relationship with them, but they've made it clear that they don't want that with you or your child. Don't force it.

So, what do you do for distant cousins? Nothing. No gifts, no trips, etc. If you want to send a birthday card, ok, but even that is optional. And if you see them now and then, you are friendly but not overly so. Let your DH handle the relationship with his kids entirely. He shops for presents, he remembers birthdays, he plans time with them.

It does take practice and time to get the hang of disengagement. Know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best. Also know that it isn't you personally. They'd dislike anybody their dad dated and married. So give it up and enjoy the freedom.