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Fiance's Daughter no showed at the family Easter Brunch

pdxgirl78's picture

We've been together for 4 years, and are engaged. At this point the adult daughters have refused to meet me. Today was supposed to be the day we finally met (we've tried before and they were always "busy"). No warning to their father...no text, or email. They just never showed up.

I met their father a year after he and his ex were separated, he did not live in the family home, and hadn't for quite some time...so I was in no way part of their split. They delayed the actual divorce to give her a chance to get on her feet since she hadn't worked in years. He does pay alimony.

The youngest child is 25 and the oldest is 35. the youngest son has met me and has always been very kind and respectful, it's the daughters that refuse (both in their 30's). They say their children (the youngest is 10) are two young to understand and they do not want to have to explain me to them. They seem to want to pretend that everything is as it was.

Of course there's no hesitation to come to Dad when they need their rent paid or funds for this and that. But if they don't need money, they're pretty much absent. The son depends on Dad a lot as well, but he also makes an effort to cultivate a relationship with his Dad.

Honestly, at this point I am offended...though I know I probably shouldn't be. They're adults and can make their own decisions, they are not obligated to meet me I guess. It just seems very odd.

And when and if I do finally meet them, am I just supposed to pretend like nothing's happened?

pdxgirl78's picture

Just got a phone call from the ex-wife yelling at my fiance that he was scarring the family by daring to bring me to his mother's house for family Easter Brunch. That he was bringing it on himself for not having his kids around him for the holidays. Yada yada yada...they're all a bunch of crazy Sad

The funny things is that she threatened divorce for years, whenever she didn't get her way, but they'd stayed together for the kids. He waited until they were college age before he finally left. She threatens divorce and would consistently tell him she could leave and have any man she wanted and then when he's finally had enough and leaves she blames him for everything.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I'm sorry, how did our BM got your number?

She is narcissistic and/or borderline, most likely. Google Cluster B personality disorders.
This just proves my point that nothing changes when they grow up -
your SDs seem to have inherited their mommy's pathology AND developed their own. Mine are on the same trajectory.

All BM wants is control. She uses it to inflict suffering on her ex for failing to "appreciate her" and "abandoning" her. Facts do not matter - she is pouring her own brand of Kool Aid into everyone's glass.
Are you sure that your fiance has had enough distance/therapy/presence of mind to withstand this?
It WILL get worse when you two get married.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Welcome to the wonderful world of adult assholes - excusez mon Francais.

You have been together 4 years? "They refuse to meet you" translated means "you are about to marry into
a vipers' nest". These are early rumblings of distant thunder and if i were you (or me 7 years ago) I would think long and hard about the road ahead.

This is how it works in healthy families: a GF of mine from graduate school married a man with several adult kids, your skids' ages and older, a few years ago. They are both ( very youthful ) later 60s - eaarly 70s. They have about 5 kids between the two of them and close to a dozen grandkids - all live in other states/countries/on other continents, so the grandparents travel to visit them. They are welcomed everywhere they go, and enjoy great ( if superficial) relationships with their new adult step-children and step-grandchildren. I am watching this with jealous eyes from a distance, it really sounds too good to be true - but it is true.

The step-gkids were over-joyed when grandpa found a new life partner. His 9 yo granddaughter, as her mother told my GF later, asked her mom, "Does that mean that grandpa will be happy again? He will have someone to love?" You have to admire that kid.... That's the kind of welcome one can only dream about in my sorry zip code.

To add to this idyll I have to say that BM ( grandpa's wife of 30 years) is truly disturbed, mentally unstable and living off of his largesse. However, unlike almost everyone else's BM on this board, she has not been able to poison her grown - and independent - children against either their dad, or his new wife.

Your partner's daughters promise to be a source of stress and discord in your family. The reasons they give for excluding you are bullshit - they are protecting their children, really? You will need all the strength you have to deal with this in the years to come when they are inviting him over but not you. How will you react to that? What does your partner say to them if anything?

Caveat emptor...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I hope you are in no hurry to marry this male who lacks the spine to stand up for you or himself. HE is the problem; HE is the one allowing the mistreatment. There are so many huge issues to be addressed, and most of them offer only continued pain for you:

Emotional - He puts your feelings last & allows these adults to behave in a disrespectful
& rude way towards you.
Financial - He rewards their bad behavior by continuing to funnel money their way. Will
this impact your retirement plans?

Any male that won't stand up for the woman he loves doesn't deserve to have her, and you would be a fool to legally join yourself to someone so delusional & cowardly. Marriage will only bring more negativity into your life as these hateful adults will ramp up their behavior. This has been going on for YEARS. It's not going to change. Why do you even want to be connected to this dysfunctional family?

dood's picture

Any male that won't stand up for the woman he loves doesn't deserve to have her. Period.Dot. Love this

katalinakat's picture

Ugh, these are the men who ruin it for stepmoms. Remarriage and dating should only happen when the man has completely dropped all guilty feelings for his children. Men who continue to feel pity for their children and allow BM to manipulate them are just no good, period. They are not ready for a relationship but have one anyway- resulting in making a woman falling in love and ending up victim to their baggage.

katalinakat's picture

Ugh, these are the men who ruin it for stepmoms. Remarriage and dating should only happen when the man has completely dropped all guilty feelings for his children. Men who continue to feel pity for their children and allow BM to manipulate them are just no good, period. They are not ready for a relationship but have one anyway- resulting in making a woman falling in love and ending up victim to their baggage.

katalinakat's picture

Ugh, these are the men who ruin it for stepmoms. Remarriage and dating should only happen when the man has completely dropped all guilty feelings for his children. Men who continue to feel pity for their children and allow BM to manipulate them are just no good, period. They are not ready for a relationship but have one anyway- resulting in making a woman falling in love and ending up victim to their baggage.

katalinakat's picture

Ugh, these are the men who ruin it for stepmoms. Remarriage and dating should only happen when the man has completely dropped all guilty feelings for his children. Men who continue to feel pity for their children and allow BM to manipulate them are just no good, period. They are not ready for a relationship but have one anyway- resulting in making a woman falling in love and ending up victim to their baggage.

simifan's picture

Wow. Your DH needs some serious boundaries. Firstly, he's "children" are adults - there is no reason for him to talk to the ex-wife. Secondly, I would have serious issues with my DH supporting adults who blatantly dis-respect him. There is no way one cent of mine would contribute. It is not sexy to watch your man emasculated - certainly not by another woman. Consider carefully. Best of luck.

peacemaker's picture

...just goes to show that their protest is against the idea that their dad go remarried...they haven't even met you and you get the short end of the stick...it doesn't matter who you are...you are now sitting next to your dh in the family structure...and this is their "way" of handling it....not very smart or healthy on their behalf...but, they are coping with it with what they know...

I wouldn't put too much importance into their acceptance of you...you may never receive it. With that being said, know who you are...don't let them rob one ounce of self worth from your person..(easier said than done)...they are adults...not children...I would respect their wishes as far as not having a relationship with them because whatever you try at this point will probably backfire...

What's your goal? Is it realistic? Why do you want to achieve that goal? How important is this to you on a scale of 1 to 10 hint...(you get to choose)...What number you assign it will with it's importance in your life.....peace

twopines's picture

I don't understand why he stayed on the phone long enough for his ex to yell at him. That's weird to me. I don't know that I'd be engaged to such a personality.

As for the adult daughters who haven't met you, I personally wouldn't care if I met them or not. If I do, I would treat them as random coworkers who work in a different department. Our jobs don't intersect, so big deal if I don't even remember their names.

dood's picture

http://www.steptalk.org/node/214468#comment-1589727

Read this... It really does sum it up perfectly.

Not only should he not have spoken to her for "so long" he shouldn't have spoken to her, At All (see #1 from link).
Block the ex. There is no reason he needs to be talking to this woman.... You can't fix crazy, this issue is that of your DFH, not the crazy ex-family members.

Jsmom's picture

He needs to cut them off if they can't at least meet you. He is the one at fault here. He needs to call them out on not showing up and they either accept you or he is gone. My dad did this with my sisters. They got pissy with him after the divorce and they have not had any relationship with him since. I am all he has now and he is fine with that.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

>>>>>Who cares if you don't meet them? Ever watched Caesar Milan? When dogs are chased, they keep running. Go the other way and they turn to see what you're doing. Do not chase them! Keep your sanity and your self-esteem.>>>>>>

Love it, well put and oh so true.

hoopjumper's picture

You are better off NEVER meeting those children. Don't be offended. Does your husband meet them without you? If so.... even THAT isn't bad.. AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE ON HOLIDAYS.
I never had anything to do with my husbands divorce, I met and married him 5 years later. My husband's son was not part of our lives, although my husband paid him a salary and his mother alimony. My husband did not want him around. When the mother died I thought I could blend a lovely family, so,after much coaxing trying to convince my husband, we invited the son into our lives. Of course I was wrong, I was continually putting up and shutting up and was often in tears for 20 years. 3 years ago I gave up and have never tried to blend the family anymore. I don't invite and neither does my husband. My married children spend holidays with us. I handle that.
The son asks my husband when he wishes to visit and we decide if we are available but we never have blended occasions. This is much better. They can only insult me for a very short time a couple times a year!!!!!

Overit1960's picture

That is actually a blessing. I wanted to be a big happy family... Ha ha ha I was soooo naive!

Don't meet the nasty rude children. If they are behaving like this now, it will really hurt if/when you open your heart and your life to these nasty creatures. Imagine how you will feel when they are rude to you in your own home where you live with DH, and DH just ignores it... Hmmmmmmm food for thought there, right?

Keep your relationship with your DH separate and away from those nasty immature children and you will be much happier in the long run.