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Father's Day - how to deal with the crappy behavior

cmwolfe1264's picture

I did not plan a Father's Day celebration this year. I am officially disengaged since last year's Father's Day fiasco and I no longer plan any family gatherings and DH knows that SDs are not welcome in MY home. We were out of town from Friday to Sunday morning. Apparently my SSs planned a get together so we were asked to come there in the afternoon for food.

It was very nice. I have a good relationship with my SSs. They both consider me to be there mother figure. They have embraced me as a Grandma to their children and I see them all alot since they live nearby and the boys work with their Dad in a family business.

I assume the SDs were not invited to the celebration because last year they were and the YSD came and then halfway through the party she had a meltdown and started yelling at her husband and her kids that THEY WERE LEAVING right now!! She lied to her Dad and said her brother said something nasty to her but her brother did not. There were several witnesses that were sitting nearby and they did not hear her brother say anything that she claimed he did. The other kids told me she just suddenly said I can't deal with this and got up and started screaming and yelling. Just her way to cause drama again.

Later in the day when we were watching TV at home I saw that my DH got a text from his oldest daughter wishing him a happy Father's Day. I asked him last night if he heard from his other daughter for FD. He said no that he hadn't and that he has been trying to call her for a week and half now but she won't answer phone and won't call him back. He thinks she is mad because he did not go to her stepdaughter's grad party the weekend before. She loves to punish her Daddy when he doesn't do her bidding, so sad!! DH didn't go because he didn't feel well and also didn't want to go without me. Fortunately for me I was busy with dance that day but he also knows I would not have gone anyway. Ironically, this SD is a horror of a SM and really doesn't give a crap about her SD truthfully. She just wanted to have her family and especially her Daddy there to show the ex-wife and her side of the family that she has this great family etc. This SD normally has no contact with her family otherwise. She never goes to any of her nieces and nephews bday parties but gets pissed when noone comes to her kids parties. Yes she has been told why they won't go but she always has some excuse for why they can't come to the parties but feels everyone else should still come to her kids parties. I just learned that she even went to our grandson's party put on by his Mother, my SSs ex but couldn't be bothered to show up to the party put on my the child's father, her own brother.

The way she treats her father is really disgusting and I always feel so very bad for my husband. He is a good, kind man who made mistakes in the past and has been PAS'd by the ex-wife. He has apologized to all of his kids for alot of stuff and has admitted he was wrong in certain areas.

My question for you is: how do those of you who have been disengaged for years and years handle the hurt and pain the SKs cause there fathers. Like snubbing them on Father's Day. I understand my DH had a part in why they are allowed to treat him like that but still how do you not let it get to you? How do you not feel angry and sad that someone you love is hurting by the nasty treatment or lack of concern or acknowledgement of their child. This same daughter never called or texted her Dad on the day he had shoulder surgery. He called her 2 days after to let her know he was okay. Ugh such a biotch!!

2Tired4Drama's picture

It is a never ending challenge to try and hide the way I feel about my SO's skids and what horrible (adult) children they are.

I basically try to keep my mouth shut. In my situation, I didn't even ask my SO if he heard from his daughter on Father's Day. That may be where you do things differently from now on ... don't even ask.

To be honest, at this stage even if SD became daughter-of-the year, it still wouldn't change how I feel about all the hurt and neglect she's caused over the years. Her father will easily forget that, but I won't. I was the one there when he had tears in his eyes and was heartbroken over how much he was shoved aside and ignored. Thanks to BM and her PAS, of course.

As part of disengagement, you have to WORK at getting the skids out of your mind as much as possible. The best thing to do is come here on ST and vent as you need to.

cmwolfe1264's picture

Thank you. I hear what you are saying. I almost didn't ask if he had heard because you are right not thinking about them equates to not asking about them. Besides which I already knew the answer was NO right so why ask. Most of the time I do not ask but I succumbed to the dark side for a brief moment - ugh!!

It is just so hard to see the pain they cause a good person.

Fortunately, my DH really truly understands now that I won't have anything to do with his daughters and why. It has been working just fine for the most part. As I said the holiday was nice for both of us even with this blip in the day. He may have been sad his daughter's weren't included but he knows it is their own fault and he can't change that.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I am just smiling that your SD has an SD. You figured she would learn. But that would require empathy and connecting dots. So many people have no introspection and only think about how things affect THEM.

How to support your DH? I would say I am glad he was able to have a good day with his sons; I wish all of his kids could be there. Nothing more. Don't talk to him about what cretins his daughters are; he already knows.

wicked_by_proxy's picture

Well, it comes down to choice. It is your choice to assign emotions to an action...or not. Don't misunderstand, of course we feel for our loved ones and want the best for them. I used to feel embarrassed and sad for my DH by how my SS treated him, but DH allowed it, he dealt with it and it had nothing to do with me. This is just another area from which you may be helped by disengaging.

I hear your frustration in what you wrote and I have felt similar. In my case, I kept the drama going to prove what an (jerk) SS was, so I was supporting the drama, stirring the pot. It is not necessary. Letting go of this will make you happy, I promise, because you have the power of choice Smile

hereiam's picture

I just listen to him and let him know that she is the one missing out (and he knows that, now). He has a great life with me and if SD26 doesn't want to be a part of that, because she's never made him a priority, that is on her.

He was surprised that she even called him on Father's Day and told her so.

sammigirl's picture

I wish my DH a nice Father's Day and let it go.  I do not plan any activity and let DH do as he pleases.  I do not hostess my Skids.  DH is not my Father and his birthday is always close to the same day.  I usually do something for DH on his birthday, but I do not invite his grown kids.  They live in a neighboring State, so this is easier for me.  I have my Father to visit (101 yrs young), whose birthday is also close to father's day.  I do the minimum.  It's less stressful.  They don't do anything special for my BD or Mother's Day; so they get the same treatment.     

I also have a good relationship with my SS's.  My SD57 is a drama queen, as is SGD34 (mother/daughter).  What his grown kids do is not my problem; it's his.  He raised these rude, inconsiderate adults, not my circus.  I just ignore the entire situation and the day will go by just as quickly without the drama.  Tomorrow is a new day. 

DH isn't one to celebrate or expect me to give a big party, so I don't.  Whatever celebration is just between the two of us; other celebrations are their day.  I'm always glad when it passes and I don't have to hear the drama, which I do never get involved.  I have been disengaged for several years and intend to stick to it. 

DH forgot SD57's birthday, this past month.  Not my problem, I didn't remind him either.  Life's a bitch, when you cease to be DH's secretary and remind him to read the day planner, that lies on the counter, for him to read every day.  

Smile