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Failed again so I’m done

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

SD moved out of state 3 weeks ago. I welcomed her, her H and their child into my home for the last few days before they moved. I tried to make one last effort to clear the air since contact would definitely be reduced from now on. In the few days after the move I kept reaching out to see how they were settling and how things were going and SD responded with short “poor me” type of answers but I still tried to console and comfort the best I knew how.

Its been almost 3 weeks since I last talked to her because I got tired of reaching out and initiating the conversation when I really wasn’t that interested but swallowed our past issues to make peace. She hasn’t reached out to me, sent me photos, videos, not even a hello like she’s sent to DH, SS, DIL and even mutual family friends, so I’m done.

i told DH that was my final attempt and it failed miserably but not because of me. I told him from now on he needs to have a relationship with her that I am no part of in any way shape or form. And when she needs something she can go to daddy instead of thinking she can use me as an atm, babysitter, cook, maid etc...

it saddeneds me not because of the loss of her, but I feel like DH and I have lost part of our connection because I’ve removed myself from part of his life when we used to do it all together. I also feel like he’s trying to put all the other kids (my bios and his 3 sons and dil) in a bad light so I don’t think SD is the only problem and it’s starting to strain all of our relationships. Don’t get me wrong all of the other kids have some pretty big issues but none are as deep rooted as SD and her jealousy and daddy issues. 

I’m afraid we will keep chipping away at the family unit until there isn’t anything left all because DH won’t confront SD about her behavior and discuss the type of relationship he wants to have with her that doesn’t seem so inappropriate, but he’s afraid, I can see it and hear it in him. So total and complete disengagement is where I’m at. 

I just wanted to thank all of you at ST for the great advice and giving me a place to say it all, not all of it was constructive but I learned to take what was important from the responses and disregard those just here to bring us down. I’m confident I’ll be in a better place moving forward and I’ll sure have a lot more free space in my mind.

futurobrillante99's picture

I remember your posts and I am sure your SD is everything you say she is. However, I would like to point out that SD and her family have just moved. I don't know what that entailed, but if it was a real move, like with stuff and they are getting settled into a new place or with family/friends, she may not have extra time to reach out to you, particularly when you two aren't terribly close.

Try not to take it so personally. It's probably because she's just a jerk, but maybe it's not. Just enjoy having her out of your house and town and state, and stay true to yourself.

TooManyStepsBetween's picture

I really do appreciate your input and view on the situation. Not for argument sake but for clarification I learned last night that videos have circulated of them in their new home, new neighborhood, doing several activities, the videos were delivered to everyone but me. This is after trying to make the move as comfortable as possible and setting them up for amazon delivery of items to help them get started, I’ve received simply nothing. It is ok though, my new found peace will by far outweigh all the wasted time and stress things like these have caused me over the past 8 years. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I have a feeling that life will only get better for you now that she's out of your hair!

sandye21's picture

"-- my new found peace will by far outweigh all the wasted time and stress things like these have caused me over the past 8 years. "  You are SOOO right! There are different degrees of disengagement from being cordial but somewhat distant to banning them from your home. 

I chose the later with SD over 8 years ago and have never been sorry.  I do not miss the rude behavior and hatred she had for me for no reason.  Nor do I miss the way DH shirked his parental responsibilities and threw me under the bus for his own convenience.  As I wrote in another post, as time goes on disengagement gives us clarity - of just how bad things were.  I will never go back to Stephell as usual.  Life can only get better for you.

tog redux's picture

Yes, clearly she doesn't want to have a relationship with you that is meaningful, so accept that with grace.  You don't have to refuse to ever have anything to do with her again (ie, you can go to birthdays or weddings or whatever and be civil), but you should just see her as "your husband's daughter", and let go of hoping for anything more.  

You can't chip away at a family unit that never existed in the first place.