I'm new here and am so glad to have found this place to vent. I have a BS 16, and two SDs, 25 and 22. The 25yo is very normal and, while we will never be best friends, she is respectful and courteous with me. The 22yo is another story. Very entitled and totally clueless about respect and courtesy. I was told that when the girls were little, SD22 wouldn't allow anyone in her room, yet she felt free to enter anyone else's room.
My marriage has been in trouble for a couple of years. Last Sept (2010) DH got this idea that I should move out of our home and offered to help me pay for an apartment. I have always only worked part-time during our marriage and cannot afford to support myself and my son, so he thought it was very generous to offer to help me until I could find a full-time job. Well, I told him no, this is my home too and I am not going to move out. Besides, frankly, he has great intentions but I don't trust him to follow through. Later I found out that he had been talking to his daughter (the 22yo), a recent college grad in a neighboring state, about moving in with him because he was so sure I was going to move out. Go figure.
Actually, it had been my idea for her to move to this area because the job market seems to be better here, and I fully expected she would have to stay with us for a few weeks or months until she found work and could afford her own place - although I was not excited about that prospect because she was such a problem when she lived with us at the beginning of our marriage about 9yrs ago that she ended up moving back with her mom. But I was hopeful that she had matured during that time and, after all, it would be temporary so surely I could survive it regardless. What I didn't know was that DH was planning for me to be out of the house. When that plan of his fell through, he ended up inviting her to stay with us anyway, and I supported it, keeping in mind the thoughts expressed above.
In discussing where exactly she would stay, he insisted I should clear out my study so she could stay there. I responded that I was willing to let her stay in my study temporarily, but I was not at all interested in moving all my stuff out (and it's a lot), and where would I put it anyway? He suggested the garage. Dumbfounded, I asked why she couldn't put her stuff in the garage. I suggested he could move out of his study (same size room, FAR less stuff). I mean, really, it's HIS daughter, I would think he should be the one inconvenienced by her being here, not me. Long story short, he called me selfish and controlling, but thank God I stuck to my guns and he moved out of his office. I did tell him he could put his computer in my office so he could have a place to shut the door when he needs to conduct business calls etc.
So she moved in and first thing she tells him she needs his walk-in closet too, even though there was room enough already for hanging up clothes. So he puts all his closet stuff in my study too, so I hardly had access to my stuff any more. Whatever, it's temporary and I'm just happy she's not in my room. Then I find out she has a cat. I'm allergic to cats. DH assured me that the cat was going to stay in the walk-in closet, which I didn't believe for a second.
Next thing is that she is using his computer a lot (which is in my office) and is taking the cat in there. So we had a big blowup about that and the cat pretty much stayed in her room after that.
After a couple weeks she asks DH to take her grocery shopping. So he goes and pays for all her food. I didn't know about that until DH calls me about an hour later - when I am actually grocery shopping myself - to tell me not to get too much food because SD got a bunch of food and there might not be much room in the fridge. Again, I was totally dumbfounded but finally found the words to tell him that I thought there would be room for MY food in MY fridge. I mean, if he is worried about room in the fridge, then why didn't he tell HER not to get too much food??
One thing that drove me crazy from the get-go, which I had forgotten she does this, is how she slams every single door she uses. She never figured out that you can turn the doorknob to close the door as well as to open the door. Interior doors, exterior doors, cabinet doors - slam, slam, slam. No respect for if a person is sleeping. Totally clueless.
After she had lived with us for over a month, all of a sudden she decides she needs to take the valance over the bathtub down (in the main bathroom that she shared with my son). I know she is audaciously entitled and whatever she touches she owns, but I was still dumbfounded (that word again) that she would take the valance down without consulting anyone about it. So I put it back up, and down it came again. Four times that happened, and I screamed bloody murder each time, until DH said to let her take it down and HE would put it back up when she was done. OK, whatever, but how about confronting the disrespectful behavior? I mean, it's one thing to do it once, but when she knows I don't like it and she continues to do it anyway, that's just rudeness. (Btw, she claimed she needed to see better to shave her legs, but of course I didn't believe it because she'd already been shaving her legs for over a month.) That's exactly the same type of behavior that led to her moving back with her mom before - her acting like she is in charge of the home and me not putting up with it.
One interesting thing that was a big red flag happened back after we were first married and moving into our blended home. We were discussing where the kids' rooms would be, and DH insisted the oldest dtr get the biggest room, 2nd dtr get next biggest, and my son get the smallest. My objection was the oldest dtr was going away to boarding school and wouldn't be home much, so why should she get the most sq ft to sit unused? IMO, she should have the smallest room. Of course, 2nd dtr thought she should have the biggest room, but DH was insistent and I didn't want to appear to be taking sides between the two dtrs so I let it slide. But THEN, 2nd dtr threw a fit and demanded she be given the walk-in closet in the hallway to make up for that unacceptable lack of equity on room sizes. And DH agreed to it without discussing it with me. When he told me, I objected strenuously at the idea of one family member taking over a common storage area. But he was insistent, and I felt there was little else I could do without appearing to be the wicked stepmother, which I was reluctant to do that early on. But it made me so angry that I couldn't even store a vacuum cleaner on that level of the house as long as she lived there. Oh, and it turns out she only wanted it to display her toys. Display her toys! In a closet! We could have put shelves in her room for that.
So, back to the present, DH finally decided that he would help her get an apartment rather than confront her about her disrespectful ways, so she is now moved out of the house, thank God. BUT she couldn't afford the pet deposit and so the cat is still in DH's office, which he has moved back into. (OMG, can you imagine if I had given up my office and the cat would be in there now!) AND SD22 still has a key to the house and comes and goes at will. When she moved out, I asked DH why she still had a house key and he said she needed to come over to take care of the cat but he was sure she would call before coming over. So if she's going to call first, then why does she need a key?? But of course, I knew better than to believe she would call, anyway.
Oh, and only she and he had a key to that cat room/office because shortly after she moved in there, DH25 and her 2yo dtr came to visit, and DH22 insisted she needed a lock on her door to keep 2yo out. After SD22 moved out, the door was never kept locked as far as I know, but then one day she locked it. It made me angry to get locked out of a room in my house. I know it's not my office, but just the idea of it, and besides, sometimes I do need to go in DH's office to use the computer or scanner. But DH didn't seem to have any problem at all with the idea of her and him having a key to a room in our house and me not having one, or with the fact that she had actually locked me out of that room. So I ended up taking the lock off that door, which made him mad, but so far it's still off. Meanwhile, I HATE that she just walks into my home any time of day and makes herself at home, so far it's been as early as 8:20am and as late as 10:45pm. I feel like I can't relax in my own home. Twice she came in right before I had phone interviews scheduled, and I ended up going into my closet to take the phone calls because of how she slams the doors.
Right now I feel stuck until I can find a full-time job to support myself, but I have lost so much respect for DH over this. Even when we were having trouble before, I still respected him for the most part. But I'm not sure I can get over this on top of all our other challenges.
Well, I know this is long, and if you've made it this far, I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. Am I selfish and controlling? Am I unreasonable? Any advice? Thanks.