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Entitled SD

wicked's picture

I'm new here and am so glad to have found this place to vent. I have a BS 16, and two SDs, 25 and 22. The 25yo is very normal and, while we will never be best friends, she is respectful and courteous with me. The 22yo is another story. Very entitled and totally clueless about respect and courtesy. I was told that when the girls were little, SD22 wouldn't allow anyone in her room, yet she felt free to enter anyone else's room.

My marriage has been in trouble for a couple of years. Last Sept (2010) DH got this idea that I should move out of our home and offered to help me pay for an apartment. I have always only worked part-time during our marriage and cannot afford to support myself and my son, so he thought it was very generous to offer to help me until I could find a full-time job. Well, I told him no, this is my home too and I am not going to move out. Besides, frankly, he has great intentions but I don't trust him to follow through. Later I found out that he had been talking to his daughter (the 22yo), a recent college grad in a neighboring state, about moving in with him because he was so sure I was going to move out. Go figure.

Actually, it had been my idea for her to move to this area because the job market seems to be better here, and I fully expected she would have to stay with us for a few weeks or months until she found work and could afford her own place - although I was not excited about that prospect because she was such a problem when she lived with us at the beginning of our marriage about 9yrs ago that she ended up moving back with her mom. But I was hopeful that she had matured during that time and, after all, it would be temporary so surely I could survive it regardless. What I didn't know was that DH was planning for me to be out of the house. When that plan of his fell through, he ended up inviting her to stay with us anyway, and I supported it, keeping in mind the thoughts expressed above.

In discussing where exactly she would stay, he insisted I should clear out my study so she could stay there. I responded that I was willing to let her stay in my study temporarily, but I was not at all interested in moving all my stuff out (and it's a lot), and where would I put it anyway? He suggested the garage. Dumbfounded, I asked why she couldn't put her stuff in the garage. I suggested he could move out of his study (same size room, FAR less stuff). I mean, really, it's HIS daughter, I would think he should be the one inconvenienced by her being here, not me. Long story short, he called me selfish and controlling, but thank God I stuck to my guns and he moved out of his office. I did tell him he could put his computer in my office so he could have a place to shut the door when he needs to conduct business calls etc.

So she moved in and first thing she tells him she needs his walk-in closet too, even though there was room enough already for hanging up clothes. So he puts all his closet stuff in my study too, so I hardly had access to my stuff any more. Whatever, it's temporary and I'm just happy she's not in my room. Then I find out she has a cat. I'm allergic to cats. DH assured me that the cat was going to stay in the walk-in closet, which I didn't believe for a second.

Next thing is that she is using his computer a lot (which is in my office) and is taking the cat in there. So we had a big blowup about that and the cat pretty much stayed in her room after that.

After a couple weeks she asks DH to take her grocery shopping. So he goes and pays for all her food. I didn't know about that until DH calls me about an hour later - when I am actually grocery shopping myself - to tell me not to get too much food because SD got a bunch of food and there might not be much room in the fridge. Again, I was totally dumbfounded but finally found the words to tell him that I thought there would be room for MY food in MY fridge. I mean, if he is worried about room in the fridge, then why didn't he tell HER not to get too much food??

One thing that drove me crazy from the get-go, which I had forgotten she does this, is how she slams every single door she uses. She never figured out that you can turn the doorknob to close the door as well as to open the door. Interior doors, exterior doors, cabinet doors - slam, slam, slam. No respect for if a person is sleeping. Totally clueless.

After she had lived with us for over a month, all of a sudden she decides she needs to take the valance over the bathtub down (in the main bathroom that she shared with my son). I know she is audaciously entitled and whatever she touches she owns, but I was still dumbfounded (that word again) that she would take the valance down without consulting anyone about it. So I put it back up, and down it came again. Four times that happened, and I screamed bloody murder each time, until DH said to let her take it down and HE would put it back up when she was done. OK, whatever, but how about confronting the disrespectful behavior? I mean, it's one thing to do it once, but when she knows I don't like it and she continues to do it anyway, that's just rudeness. (Btw, she claimed she needed to see better to shave her legs, but of course I didn't believe it because she'd already been shaving her legs for over a month.) That's exactly the same type of behavior that led to her moving back with her mom before - her acting like she is in charge of the home and me not putting up with it.

One interesting thing that was a big red flag happened back after we were first married and moving into our blended home. We were discussing where the kids' rooms would be, and DH insisted the oldest dtr get the biggest room, 2nd dtr get next biggest, and my son get the smallest. My objection was the oldest dtr was going away to boarding school and wouldn't be home much, so why should she get the most sq ft to sit unused? IMO, she should have the smallest room. Of course, 2nd dtr thought she should have the biggest room, but DH was insistent and I didn't want to appear to be taking sides between the two dtrs so I let it slide. But THEN, 2nd dtr threw a fit and demanded she be given the walk-in closet in the hallway to make up for that unacceptable lack of equity on room sizes. And DH agreed to it without discussing it with me. When he told me, I objected strenuously at the idea of one family member taking over a common storage area. But he was insistent, and I felt there was little else I could do without appearing to be the wicked stepmother, which I was reluctant to do that early on. But it made me so angry that I couldn't even store a vacuum cleaner on that level of the house as long as she lived there. Oh, and it turns out she only wanted it to display her toys. Display her toys! In a closet! We could have put shelves in her room for that.

So, back to the present, DH finally decided that he would help her get an apartment rather than confront her about her disrespectful ways, so she is now moved out of the house, thank God. BUT she couldn't afford the pet deposit and so the cat is still in DH's office, which he has moved back into. (OMG, can you imagine if I had given up my office and the cat would be in there now!) AND SD22 still has a key to the house and comes and goes at will. When she moved out, I asked DH why she still had a house key and he said she needed to come over to take care of the cat but he was sure she would call before coming over. So if she's going to call first, then why does she need a key?? But of course, I knew better than to believe she would call, anyway.

Oh, and only she and he had a key to that cat room/office because shortly after she moved in there, DH25 and her 2yo dtr came to visit, and DH22 insisted she needed a lock on her door to keep 2yo out. After SD22 moved out, the door was never kept locked as far as I know, but then one day she locked it. It made me angry to get locked out of a room in my house. I know it's not my office, but just the idea of it, and besides, sometimes I do need to go in DH's office to use the computer or scanner. But DH didn't seem to have any problem at all with the idea of her and him having a key to a room in our house and me not having one, or with the fact that she had actually locked me out of that room. So I ended up taking the lock off that door, which made him mad, but so far it's still off. Meanwhile, I HATE that she just walks into my home any time of day and makes herself at home, so far it's been as early as 8:20am and as late as 10:45pm. I feel like I can't relax in my own home. Twice she came in right before I had phone interviews scheduled, and I ended up going into my closet to take the phone calls because of how she slams the doors.

Right now I feel stuck until I can find a full-time job to support myself, but I have lost so much respect for DH over this. Even when we were having trouble before, I still respected him for the most part. But I'm not sure I can get over this on top of all our other challenges.

Well, I know this is long, and if you've made it this far, I'd love to hear some thoughts on this. Am I selfish and controlling? Am I unreasonable? Any advice? Thanks.

Jsmom's picture

Agree with Foxie on everything. Even the Choc chip cookies. For my husband it is Green Chili Enchiladas...Make those and he completely sides with me on everything.

wicked's picture

Chocolate chip cookes - LOL!
Yes, actually, SD25 has offered to take the cat, but we are trying to figure out how to get it to her w/o paying an arm and a leg. DH doesn't like the cat much more than I do; in fact, one thing we agree on is that we don't have pets and yet here we are... He tolerates so much from her - it's really sad I think.

wicked's picture

Too funny! I'm not sure I can be that bold, but I will definitely keep it in mind. LOLOL

Shannon61's picture

When it comes to entitled annoying SD's and moronics DHs I too know the feeling. First off, thank your lucky stars she's in her own place. Get rid of her cat and change the lock. Your DH doesn't want to offend his entitled princess. You have a right to privacy in your own home. She's being disrespectful and intrusive to you and DH and it's an intentional power play. Put your foot down and put an end to it.

My SD (27) lives with us and has been the cause of many conflicts. DH didn't want to give her a move out date because "he didn't want to hurt her feelings". . (she'll turn 28 this year). Since DH didn't give her a date, I gave him a date that I was moving out. SD recently got engaged so she'll be moving soon and I've made it clear that once she moves out, the locks will be changed and she can't return unless her situation is dire such as abuse.

Good luck.

wicked's picture

Thanks for your words of support. I tend to agree that it is an intentional power play. And yet she thinks I'm the control freak.

Shannon61's picture

My SD taught me the real meaning of manipulation. Once the issue with SD is resolved, you can focus and concentrate on rebuilding your marriage. I felt the same way about my DH (lost complete respect for him), but after he started seeing SD for who she really was and realized that she was causing most of the problems, he set her straight. After that, her behavior improved.

Have a long talk w/DH about the privacy and respect issue and hopefully he'll see the error of his ways. You've got her out of your house so that's half the battle.

wicked's picture

I'm kind of biding my time right now until the cat is gone and then bring up a discussion about why she still needs a key. I hope you're right...

somerg's picture

i'd throw the damnn cat out on the front porch and break down the locked door (to the room in the house) if i had too and change the lock on the front door. and each time the cat came around the house or crying for food and water, i'd kick at it to go away, but i HATE HATE HATE cats...that's nice compared to what my dh would do, i'd give her a time limit to get the damn thing out or send it to the lb at HER's her problem to figure out a pet deposit. or give it away to someone who wants it...legally, it's YOURS NOW mwahahahahaha do with it what you want }:)

wicked's picture

LOL Actually, in retrospect, I suspect that's why she locked the door, because she was afraid I would do something like that. She's really a nutcase because I'm not like that. But then, back when DH and I were dating, she told her mom that she saw me sitting outside their house in my car - while I was actually at work - and her mom left a nasty message on my answering machine telling me to quit stalking her daughter. How wierd is that? She's a twisted little diva.

somerg's picture

it's your house and if i remember right, once you have a vet bill (even for something simple like a shot or a "check up" the animal is LEGALLY yours) i'd so pull a fast one on her, i think the only way she could get around it is if she had papers, then i'd tell her, ok get it out or it'll become a stray. like a dog i adopted from my local humane society has papers, chip and i have proof of purchase so even if someone dog naped her and had "proof" i could file theft and press charges

one of my sd's asked me (knowing i like cats better than dh) if we would keep a cat her bm was needing to get rid of...she didn't like it when i told her to take it up with dad (and texted him while he was RIGHT in the other room-say no, i'll destroy the damn thing)..yeah he did, THEN she had BM ask us.......REALLY, i flat out told bm you bring that thing here and leave it with us, i'll call animal welfare on you for abandonment }:) she took it home after that and that was the last we heard of it

StillSearching's picture

You are not being selfish and unreasonable at all! She is a freaking adult and needs to act like one. Your DH needs to realize that his priority is your marriage, she isn't a child that needs taken care of so she needs to back off you and your DH's lives. She is mooching from the teet still and your DH is letting her be the controlling one. That is unacceptable! She needs to find another place that can have her cat or get rid of it, it needs to be out of your home period!

wicked's picture

Thank you!! You know, the cat is a big annoyance, but as long as SD is out of the house, we can make sure the cat is contained to DH's office until other plans can be worked out.

But the thing that bothers me most is SD having a key to our house and especially how she feels that entitles her to come and go at will. That just drives me nuts! I'm hoping that by biding my time, DH will not have any more excuses for her having a key once the cat is gone. But if that doesn't happen fairly soon, I may just lose it, because that bothers me on so many levels - the disrespect, entitlement, lack of privacy...

And what angers me most through this *entire* ordeal is how SD is so in-your-face disrespectful to me, when she knows I don't like her doing something and she continues to do it anyway. She has the audacity to really believe that because it is her dad's house, it is her house too. What a little diva! Her sister would never do that, my son would never do that, I don't know what's the deal with her.

And what frustrates me most is how DH thinks whatever she does is ok. And that's the part I feel the most powerless about. I want a husband who will stick up for me when I am being disrespected.

StillSearching's picture

I agree that she doesn't need a house key. That is really odd to me, I don't have a key to my parents house and I deal just fine. And your DH needs to stick up for you when you are being treated poorly, that is part of the marriage and partnership. The daughters seem to control these fathers so easily, I just don't know what it is about them!

Shannon61's picture

Indeed the cat isn't the issue here, it's SD's sense of entitlement and her need to exert power and control in your home. It's about respect. She feels she has the run of the house and can come and go as she pleases . . because DH has allowed this. You may just have to lose it in order to get DH to see the light and give you the respect you demand and deserve as his wife.

I had that same issue with SD thinking everything in this house was hers. She would use my things and take things out of the house without asking. One day she did it to DH and with me egging him on . . "she runs the house, she doesn't respect us, she's selfish and inconsiderate, etc." He reamed her so badly that I could see the shock on her face. And I enjoyed it. Now she's more respectful and considerate.

Set your DH straight and demand that he set her straight. I've had many battles regarding my SD and DH finally sees the light. I gave up a good single life and refused to tolerate this BS.

wicked's picture

Thank you so much! Your response makes me want to cry because I gave up a great job to move out of state with DH, and have worked only part-time since, and now in this economy I'm trying so hard to find a good full-time job where I can support myself and my son if I need to - all so I can feel like I have a leg to stand on when I try to stand up for myself. I always felt like I was making the best decisions at the time, but now I am feeling regrets.

StillSearching's picture

Actually when I got divorced and moved back in with my parents briefly for a whole 3 weeks (I was born to be on my own) my Step Dad wouldn't let me have my cat at the house so I had to put him in someone else's hands in the mean time. It is about respect and she needs to respect that you, queen of the house, has allergies.

Shannon61's picture

Sorry about that, here's a hug. Smile

Since your SD doesn't live with you again . .half of the problem has already been solved. You just have to get through to DH that you need respect and privacy in your household and he understand that. Tell him how it makes you feel as his wife to allow SD to disrespect the household. Make him mindful of the fact that it's destroying your marriage.

Also time brings upon changes. And hopefully SD will create a busy life for herself and find her own beau/friends and not have time nor the inclination to come over and be an annoying pest. But until then DH needs to set her straight.

Either way, stay encouraged. You have more strength than you realize.

wicked's picture

I like what you said about no arguing. I am not an arguer, and SD loves to try to debate. Her dad doesn't mind debating, so she is used to doing it, but she is learning that I am not open to that and it doesn't work with me.

no-win-situation's picture

Oh my God! Foxie you made me laugh for 5 straight minutes! My DH came upstairs to see what I was laughing at...I wasn't really talking to him since my step brat took my car again to "work." I agree with you all so much! This forum is saving my sanity right now! Thanks!!! Smile