Endings. Why am I finding it so difficult to end something that brings such unhappiness?
For 20 years now I have been embroiled in a battle - and it has been a battle - with my SO and his vile adult daughters. I've put up with the secret syphoning of our money to fund their wants, his taking out loans to pay off their debts behind my back, his inability to see they are less than perfection personified and his lack of ability to stand up for me in any capacity. I should have put my own children first and walked away many years ago but I never. And I live with that guilt every single day. They saw things they should never have seen because of the arguments caused by the step daughters. I feel I can never forgive myself.
He has at long last admitted that "at one time he would have rubber stamped anything they wanted because he was frightened of losing them". However, he says he has changed and I should be able to see that. He hasn't spoken to his youngest (early forties) since he attempted to set boundaries earlier in the year - she hasn't contacted since. He is clearly uneasy about this and has become angry towards me, very angry. He has screamed in my face that nobody likes me and I have no friends. In fact he is the one with no friends.
The relationship is over, I feel nothing for him. I am beginning to hate him, he makes my skin crawl. So why am I unable to walk away? All this with his daughter is too little, too late. Yesterday I went to my friends (resentfully I had to take him too) and I saw what happiness is. It really impacted on me that I have no laughter, no fun, no happiness in my life. So why am I finding it so hard to walk away? Bit by bit I have withdrawn into myself, my inner voice has fallen silent and I am just existing. I feel very tired and weak.
I am the spawn of a narcissistic mother, she is still alive but doesn't want to know me. I have lived with emptiness and loneliness all my life, so I shouldn't be afraid of walking away. I ask myself what is holding me in here and I just don't know. I'm not afraid of going it alone although I am 350 miles away from where I was born and spent the first 50 years of my life. He wanted to move near his girls and his mum and sister.
Is my reticence to leave because I see his girls "winning" as all they have ever wanted was to come between us? He visits his girls alone, I am excluded from contact and I have been relatively happy with that. I feel emotionally abandoned though, unsupported and incredibly alone with my thoughts.
For many years I felt venemous towards his girls and blamed them, but I am now seeing the person I should have blamed all along was him.
I ask myself, what needs to happen for you to walk away? And I just don't know the answer. Has anyone felt similar and have any advice please?
I suggest you find yourself a
I suggest you find yourself a good therapist to help you sift through your emotions and give you the tools you to help you do what you need to do.
Why did he have to tag along when you went to see your friend? You need to be able to be alone, see who you want to, build your life without him being constantly there and sucking the joy out of it. Can you join a club to get you out of the house and away from him? I was thinking about hiking, for instance.
Thank you Winterglow. I have
Thank you Winterglow. I have been in therapy for periods throughout my life and I know I have all the tools within me to change my life. If he would leave me I would put the flags out, but being the one to end the relationship I find difficult. I guess its because I've had it instilled in me that everything is my fault - even at the age of 6 I was told that I wasn't normal and my Mum said she was going to take me to be psycho analysed! When feelings like that are so ingrained and intrinsic to one's sense of self it is a devil of a job to think differently.
He came to my friends because it was a couple's gathering rather than a one on one with a friend. I do go out walking a lot actually, I take the dog out and listen to podcasts by psychologists on difficult relationships etc. I take it all on board. I think too my situation is about taking up the cudgel for my childhood narcissist and punishing myself as that is what I'm used to, it sort of fits my psyche.
OK, then. How about going
OK, then. How about going about this differently? Set yourself a date for the start of your new life. Then start methodically planning your exit. Find a new place to live, make copies of all of your important documents (just in case) and keep them in a safe place outside of your home (p.o. box?), see what would have to be done about insurance in the event of divorce, consult a few lawyers about your rights and probable outcome of a divorce, take up a new hobby (in a group, try to avoid spending too much time alone and overthinking) to take you out and in new company.
I suspect you find yourself suspended in time ... waiting and waiting. Therefore, it's time for action to break out of that. Congratulate yourself on every step you make. Be methodical. Be organized. And be proud of yourself.
PS
Please do not take offence but I am not so sure you do have all the tools you need ... because you know what you want to do but feel unable to do it. I think that you have mainly found reasons/excuses to do nothing ...
Thank you again. I guess I
Thank you again. I guess I have the tools I need as in I am very resourceful when my backs to the wall. You are spot on about finding reasons/excuses to do nothing. I am a defeatist by nature, I always think if I change something I will be worse off, I never consider I will be in a better place - positivity isn't on my radar. I feel I am containing an awful lot, and if I make the move the whole lot will blow sky high and I will be blamed. So yes, you are very right about finding reasons/excuses to do nothing. I have had a huge amount of loss in my life, maybe another reason why I cling on to what I've got even though I don't want it necessarily. Better the devil you know and all that.
We aren't married thank The Lord!
It made me sad reading your
It made me sad reading your post because in a lot of ways it was like my own story, but about my first marriage, when I had no step children. My ExH was narcissistic and was diagnosed with Aspergers in his 40s. It took me 24 yrs to leave him - we had 2 children together and I had invested so much of my time and emotional energy in the marriage - which is probably the same for you and why you are finding it hard to now call it quits. Like you, at the end of the relationship I felt tired and weak and not at all like myself. I actually had a serious nervous breakdown and was hospitalised for a short time.
Like you, I was "trained" by a pair of narcissists who were my parents, and fell easily into the way of being used by another narcissist for his supply. I suffered a lot of guilt when I left ExH - he made sure he was seen as the "good parent" by our 2 daughters, although I was the one who did a lot of the parenting and wage earning for many years.
I would echo Winterglow's suggestion that you find a good therapist - with the emphasis on the "good" as there are a lot of indifferent ones out there! I would suggest you have an initial session with at least three, and pick the one you feel most in tune with. Also, you could try reading up on narcissism if you have not already done so. There is also a Reddit forum called "Raised by Narcissists". Good luck - you deserve to focus on you and your needs now.
Regarding quality of therapists
" ... find a good therapist - with the emphasis on the "good" as there are a lot of indifferent ones out there!"
Fully half are below average. That's not just snark--that's a statement of fact, fully realized by experience.
Thank you for your reply Kes.
Thank you for your reply Kes. I shall have a look at the forum. Thank you.
FEAR is what keeps people
FEAR is what keeps people stuck in any bad situation. Figure out what you are afraid of, and the path out will be clear. You had a traumatic childhood, so I'm sure you have deeply unconscious fears that drive what you do. A good therapist can help you sort that out.
Question
Let me ask you. Do you have a job? Are finances part of your hesitation? If so, getting a job would be the first task. Or maybe finances are not a concern, get a job anyway, working will do wonders for your self-esteem. I always think, if Jackie Kennedy felt the need to work, obviously not in financial need, it has to be good for a person's mental health.
I do not have a job at
I do not have a job at present but have an income and am self sufficient. I have worked all my life and am now retired early, although I help out in a charity shop when they call me.
Inertia is a powerful force.
Inertia is a powerful force. Give yourself a deadline and then take the first step. You owe it to yourself.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Just one thought
Much of the earlier advice sounds right on spot to me. But on the inertia issue, I want to agree with an earlier response that sometimes you just have to "start". One small step can be all it takes to start the big ball rolling. Meet with an attorney, find a cute apartment to rent. Maybe take a week away and rent yourself a little VRBO and imagine life without him. It might show you that you want that new life enough to actually shed the old one. I wish you luck!
you could have wrote this for me
I am like a broken record but I just found out SD admitted to trying to destroy me to H. He new for gosh knows how long nver said a word. Then while cleaning out her finally vacant shrine I learned she did the same thing to her cousins which is especially vicious because they had a very hard life. My Bio D has seen SD push me, call me names reck my home, treat me with so much disrespect with her Daddieessss blessing. Now it is just he and I and our bio kids but with covid it affected our income so now its like I cant even enjoy my home with my kids. And I am angry .. My daughter picked up some of her bad habits and my bad habits trying to counteract her aggressive behaviour toward me but I cant give her 100 percent because we r broke now. Which is probably why SD left finally. Wow! am going to try and forgive myself and I hope you do the same. WE did the best we coud with what we were given.
Hey I'll forgive u if u forgive me? l
Doodlemadmummy, saddened to
Doodlemadmummy, saddened to hear you are going through such a troubled time with your SO. He sounds like a butthole. Angry with you because of the type of kids he either raised inappropriately or didn't raise? And you have given this man 20 years of your life? You said "He hasn't spoken to his youngest (early forties) since he attempted to set boundaries earlier in the year - she hasn't contacted since. He is clearly uneasy about this and has become angry towards me, very angry. He has screamed in my face that nobody likes me and I have no friends. In fact he is the one with no friends." What a toxic, abusive, controlling, weak piece of poop. The day he did that to me would have been the day he heard the harsh truth about his daughters but also about the kind of person he is. Then I would have packed my bags and left for a few days. If I came back and it was the same old thing, then I would have packed up my things and left for good. Life is too short for that.
This message board has for the most part been a good source of information and support. Some people here let me know my ex misjudged the type of woman I am and what I was willing to tolerate from him. He thought I was going to put up with him and his adult kids' crap, and likely financially help support them. I told him some harsh truths about his adult kids and also about him, and it wasn't nice but needed to be said. Sometimes we really do have to teach people how to treat us!
I think that the better
I think that the better question is why do you stay rather than why you are struggling to leave. Re-read your post from the perspective of providing advice to the author. Then take action.
Life is not a torturous burden to be suffered. It is to be enjoyed. So... quit torturing yourself and enjoy the rest of your life.
Rags, you said that so well
Rags, you said that so well and it is so true. Life is too short. We only get this one chance so make the best of life you can.
Doodle, you said, "For many
Doodle, you said, "For many years I felt venemous towards his girls and blamed them, but I am now seeing...the person I should have blamed all along was him." This is a powerful statement and true. I understand your situation well and hope you find the strength to save yourself. And after you do, I hope you'll come back to the forum and inspire others in the same boat to do the same! (((Hugs)))
HOney, you need a fresh start
HOney, you need a fresh start with a fresh outlook. Why continue to be beat down and trodden on by your SO? This has been going on for 20 years. Yes, I know it is hard to move on, that hope springs eternal. The truth is that nothing changes when nothing changes. Your SO and his ASC aren't changing so that leaves you or you can continue to suffer.
I know this from experience of dealing with my then husband, of 25+ years, and his toxic, truely crazy adult (in mid 50's) daughter. She would make up lies about me and he would believe them. She would get mean and nasty to me and he watched and said nothing while it was happening. Later he would say to me he didn't like what she said/did, but he never put her in her place or stopped her meaness. What he would say, like I should accept it, is that his daughter, the Twit, could be mean. I talked and tried, several separations, restart that never worked as she always became the problem.
One day I had enough and filed for divorce. He couldn't believe it. Got the old, I'll change, I would let her do that any more etc., but I had had enough.
I am still going through the grief process but it was the best thing I ever did.