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At The End of My Rope

Tansy's picture

I have 7 children and am the bm of them all. 4 girls and 3 boys, including autistic twins. My dh is the step dad of the older 5 and the two youngest autistic twins are his. The older 5 are aged nearly 21, 19, 18 and 17 and nearly 16 and they were so awful to step dh that he got very depressed and started drinking every night to cope and finally moved out for good a few weeks ago after we rowed and rowed over it all and I asked him to go. His drinking stop on leaving the building. Now he has gone they have started on me. Sorry to say about my own kids but 3 of them are complete and utter brats. They either lay on their beds all day, or in the case of one, go to college part time. They are sarcastic, rude, swear at me telling me to stfu and f off and refusing to help and undermine my parenting of the twins who are hard work due to their disabilities. They have meetings about me behind my back and whisper in front of me. They have tried to turn the twins against their dad. They are arrogant and tbh just like their bd who I left cos of his abuse of me. I miss dh. He does me. We still love each other. We decided to sell our house and buy two smaller ones, mainly as I cannot afford this house with so many bodies in it not contributing financially, then he can move back in with me and the twins and the nearly 16 year old who is the biggest nightmare of them all but I am hoping can be sorted once she is away from the rest.

You would think getting a paid off house ( in trust I am not that stupid lol) might have made them wind their necks in but no. They upped the ante on discovery that dh is moving back with me in the future and reduce me to tears on a daily basis with their nastiness and coldness. I would love to kick them out but I cannot by law kick out the 15 year old and the older ones have no income to survive on their own and getting private rents with no job is nigh on impossible and very expensive so the split house idea is the best option for the misery for me to end. If dh comes back to this in the meantime( as he has done twice already) he will not cope so it is not an option. At least while he is not here I can visit him with the twins and get a reprieve from the situation. Added to this I am disabled and they take the mick out of me over issues to do with that. They are sweetness and light in front of others tho some have began to suspect they are not as they seem.

I feel guilty they have turned out the way they have and guilty I don't like them. Dh did his best with them for 14 years so they have all been with him since they were young but nothing is ever good enough for them and they are making me ill with their behaviour. My oldest son and 3rd dd are lovely and so are the twins, it is just these 3 girls. I am going to see my doctor next week for some medication to help me get through it as I feel very depressed and bullied. It is also effecting the twins and is so bad for them I was toying with the idea of them living with dh until the situation is resolved but it would be hard for him to take them while working.

Sorry this is so long.

folkmom's picture

why would you give them anything at all? they are over owe them NOtHING!! Why give them a place to live...for free? When they are shits?

KICK THEIR ASSES OUT. Problem with three of them solved.

Tansy's picture

I know I sound like a nut case. I ought to kick them out but I just can't. Sad They have no money and nowhere to go.

buttercookie's picture

Give the adults the help wanted ad and a deadline to get out. If they don't print out the local homeless shelter info

folkmom's picture

listen...they have no money is not a good excuse. you get the behavior you allow.

you allow them to not work.

you allow them to be disrespectful.

you allow them to stress you out.

why? because they are lazy?

why the hell should you support them like that? what exactly are you teaching them>? how is this being a good parent in any way...for anyone involved?

Tansy's picture

They have ground me down. I am disabled and totally alone with this. I have really tried hard to be a good parent but they shout over me and do not listen to a word I say. Rules? Who cares? That is their attitude. They do exactly what they like regardless of the rules. 4 out of the 7 are not like it so I do not think it is entirely down to me being a bad parent the 3 are the way they are. They are controlling the whole family by their appalling behaviour but am at a loss as to how to change it now. They don't respect anyone, not just me. They have all the worse traits of their dad unfortunately. I am going to talk to dh tonight about what to do cos from reading here it seems buying them a house is a bad idea tho - believe it or not- no one I know in real life thinks it is a bad idea as they know how hard I have tried and what they are like. I am in the UK btw. We don't have homeless shelters where I live and to get a private rented place will take the best part of over £1,000 I do not have just to move in. Unless they get jobs they can't get a flat as landlords expect them to have an income. I feel trapped.

folkmom's picture

who the f cares> do not buy them a house. you teach them nothing.

what to do is EASY!!

you give them 30 days to get out of your house. who the hell cares where they go. trust me, they will find somewhere.


don't use your disability as an excuse. stick up for yourself. you are the adult. if you ALLOW this behavior, your life is hell.

buttercookie's picture

As long as you don't require them to get jobs they will have no money, as long as you allow them to continue they will. You have to take a stand.

Jsmom's picture

You need to kick their ass to the curb. You are the adult you need to act like one. Give them a have got to be kidding me. Your poor husband. He should help kick their ass out. Who cares if they have nothing, they are adults, they are on their own. Disability or not, call the police and kick them out.

Rags's picture

The next time the oldest 5 are out of the house change the locks and tell them to go live with their fathers. Your youngest two do not need the shit the oldest 5 are dishing up. The 15yo might should get a chance to return home if it (I don't know the gender) pulls its head out of its ass and treats you with respect.

As for the house in trust for the oldest kids. Change that will and leave it for the care of your two youngest who will need the support their entire lives.

As for the oldest 4 ...... when they come whining to your front door give them the brochure for the Marine Corps recruiter.

I am sorry say this but even when they are our children we all need to learn to purge ourselves of the worthless dipshits in our lives.

Good luck and best regards,

Tansy's picture

If you had read my epic you would see that it is only 3 causing problems not 5. One of the 3 is only 15 and I cannot kick her out even if I wanted too cos its ILLEGAL to throw out a minor in the UK. I am not using my disability as an excuse. It just is and a huge reason I cannot fight back much. Thanks tho all of you from the bottom of my heart for making me so angry with some very harsh "American Way" responses cos that might just help me sort them out.

Rags's picture


We all understand to some level what you are dealing with. There is not an easy answer. The oldest ones need to go. NOW! The 17 and 15yo should stay only if they follow the rules.

The autistic twins should have a calm supportive home with Mom and Dad. The others should not be able to joepardize that for the the youngest two.

My dad let me know in no uncertain terms when I was a snarky teen that I should never put him in the position of having to choose me over my mom and younger brothers. I would loose. He would not let me joepardize my younger brothers childhoods.

Good luck and best regards,

buttercookie's picture

It's illegal to throw a minor out in USA too. No ones telling you to throw minors out. It's not illegal in either country to throw out an adult. Are you venting or asking for advise? Because to me it sounds like you don't want advise. Giving adults a reasonable deadline and making them get a job is not mean. Your autistic children deserve to grow up in a stable environment without drama I have autistic people in my family and know they need stability and routine. Your adults are not entitled to disrupt their development because they refuse to become responsible

folkmom's picture

i also think you should rethink your choice of friends...people who think the appropriate advice for GROWN ADULT children is "buy them a house" versus "have them get a job and act like adults" have questionable adult reasoning.

oneoffour's picture

I am from NZ so probably have a better handle on how you feel and what you can actually do.

What is the legal age for someone to live alone in the UK? Anyone over this age gets a letter that says they have 48 hrs to find somewhere else to live or you will have the police take them out of your home. And you hang fast for 48 hrs and call the police and get them taken away for trespass.

Report them to the police for verbal abuse and assault. So, they are your kids. They expect you to fold because you always have folded. However you, my dear, are the only advocate your disabled twins have. YOu are their champion. You are the only one who can keep them safe.

They will find out very quickly that life on the 'outside' is tough and as my husband told my daughter/hos stepdaughter, the world will chew them out and spit them out if they cannot play by the rules.

Do you have some advice service run by your council that you can contact? There is no shame in doing this. That is why you pay rates and land taxes to cover these services.

Do not buy them a home to trash becuase not only will they want the house they will want you to stock the cupboards and if you do one thing for yourself you will never hear the end of it.

Post back, find your strength and make yourself into a warrior princess for your twins.