I would tell a bitter ex (most often the exwife) to love her kids more then she hates her ex. I would tell her to accept that her marriage is over, and that there is a great chance that he will move on and remarry.

I would tell her to understand that she will have no influence in his home, and to raise her children to be respectful to everyone, including their step parents. I would tell her to understand that her ex may have more kids, and to understand that he will not love them any less.

I would tell all ex husbands that it is extremely important to have boundaries with the ex from the beginning!!!

" Although I may eventually declare my love and devotion to you, never lose sight of the fact that if I have to choose between my kids or you, I will choose my children."

This is the issue with the above statement. It really isn't black and white.

Now in the extreme situation "ala SAW" where you have your child dangling over one vat of acid and your SO over another vat of acid and you can only choose ONE. WEll, in that extreme I imagine the paternal/maternal instinct may be to save the Child.

However life rarely sends you these clearcut cases does it?

What about the situation where the SO's parent has died and there is a funeral to attend vs your child has a soccer practice that you "usually" attend?

Your child has to go to the DR vs your SO wants a backrub?

Your SO wants to go to the beach for vacation and your kids wish it were Disney?

At any given time, different members of a family will have relatively more important needs. Sometimes the family resources of time/money etc... go one direction and other times they may go another.

When I met my husband, I told him I understood that his kids would always come first. He said that if we ever were married that I would ALSO be a priority.

During our 10 plus years together there have been times when my needs have outpaced the kids' and vice versa. I have done plenty of "giving" to the SD's as well. I feel they are family and entitled to be considered when we make decisions that impact our "family".

I mean, there is no single "priority" right? What if you have two kids? Who is the priority then?

I would caution anyone entering into a step family relationship to understand that sometimes they will have to sacrifice for other people who are not their biological kids and who may not even 100% appreciate them but that is what it takes to be part of that family unit. I would also tell them to not expect the problem children to go away or say things like "we get along great as long as the kids aren't around". The parent shouldn't be expected to abandon their kids because they have a new relationship.

After 36 years, I would do one thing different. I would stay arms length from all my three skids. I didn't seem to have a problem staying arms length from my OSS58 and YSS53. I know now it was because they were male. My SD56 became a close friend, for her own benefit and used me. I let this go for 30+ years to keep the peace with DH.

I let my SD become what I thought was a close friend, because that's what DH was thrilled with. Looking back, my SD (at the time 20 yrs. old) never liked the idea of DH and me, she even said so at the time. I was only 33 yrs. old myself and wanted everything to be a happy family. I let DH and SD manipulate me into being their maid, cook, everything they wanted; I worked a full time job and had a career also.

SD admitted she was jealous and didn't appreciate me coming into her Dad's life. DH and BM were divorced and DH and I lived together 2 years, before getting married. I think SD thought we would never tie the knot.

Bottom line, I would treat all my skids with respect and be civil (I always have), but I would not become emotionally involved; they would be like neighbors and nothing else.

Take like a year off at least before jumping into a new relationship.

I will add one more thing; don't bring your past or any baggage into a new relationship. After being together five (5) years, I lost my two bio sons in a car accident; they were teens.

We had a normal grieving period and of course I miss them, just like it was yesterday and it has been 31 years. I do not talk about any of it to my DH nor Skids. There isn't anything to say about my past, that DH doesn't already know, so therefore, there's no reason to go over and over any of it.

My SD56 never lets the past go; she and DH discuss the past, ie: when she was a little girl, when they did this, when they did that, over and over. SD56 does it in front of me; I doubt they ever discuss it alone.

So leave the baggage in the past. It goes smoother. Live the past in private is the key!

I think the main thing is communication. In the media SMs have been misrepresented as an evil witch so we enter marriage thinking if we are VERY nice we will dispel the image. Since we are so media oriented today I really think there should be more 'truth' about mixed families on TV and Movies.

In the media typical Skids behavior is rarely demonstrated. There are no Disney Dads. DHs love their wives with all of their hearts. SMs finally win the Skids over. The media needs to get real. I'd like to see a reality show on a blended family - how it truly is.

What is really sad is that unless people see this on TV they won't believe it. IF I met a woman tomorrow who was about to get married to a man with adult children I doubt I could influence her decision one iota. She, like I was when I got married, would think she would be able to win over the skids - like on TV. She's different.

You mentioned that you would marry a man who says his kids are top priority. Do you think this should apply to adult Skids? I don't. If a man told me his grown children were his 'top priority' - over and above his marriage, he'd never see me again.

These sk will never leave you alone and it is the OP that has the ability to put a stop to it and they just tend to ignore rude behavior or blame you for not accepting it with open arms.

One more thing the OP is going to want a big happy family with sks and expect you to do all the work emotionally and physically while sk sits there making faces at you.

I am a bio mom and a step mom. I know what its like to marry, procreate, attempt to have a family and then it fall apart and end in divorce. I also know what its like to start over with someone new while being a single parent and having to blend my new man's family with mine. Every situation is different. There are so many factors and moving parts with blended families. It's difficult to lay out a roadmap for how to handle every situation when families are so dynamic.

I personally do not believe in putting my child first. In some cases yes, but for the most part, my child doesn't dictate my life. If you expect to remarry, you will have to learn how to create a healthy balance. Just like you would have to do in a nuclear family. I believe your spouse should be at the top of the priority list. Does that make you a bad parent? NO. There is a hierarchy in families and kids are not at the top of the totem pole. The parents are the foundation and the children are the extensions of the foundation. Kids are the most precious and important gifts that we could ever be blessed with and we are to love, nurture, provide, teach and raise them in the best way we can. If we are blessed with a spouse as well, we are to love, honor, respect and cherish them as well. I believe one of the best things we can do for our kids is show them by example what a loving, respectful, healthy relationship is about, so they can go on to have one in their life when they grow up. Just because your spouse is a priority doesn't make you a negligent parent. The needs of a spouse and child are different and you can manage them successfully without having to "choose" persay who is more important.

When it comes to blended families. This can be tricky. There is a push and pull. A tug of war. Boundaries must be established. Stepkids will try to test the boundaries and manipulate their parent. That's just what all kids do really. Its up to the parent to not allow this and be clear about expectations and follow through. Sometimes this is difficult when you married a Disney dad who feels guilty that he split up his nuclear family and overcompensates by allowing the kids to run the house. Then throw in the crazy, overly dependent, jealous, threatened BM in the mix who is constantly PASS'ing her kids and imposing a loyalty conflict, it just complicates things.

My honest advice would be to be open and honest about what the situation is with your blended family or getting involved with someone with kids. Don't think your love, dedication and actions are going to win your stepkids over and the family is just going to blend beautifully. Do not set high expectations for a fantasy fairytale type of situation. Learn to be flexible. COMMUNICATION is #1. Set clear boundaries and stick to them diligently. Take time to develop a system of caretaking, co-parenting and discipline for your new blended family. Learn to accept that your stepkids don't have to love you and you don't have to love them and its okay, actually its normal and you don't have to feel bad about it. Take time to nurture your marriage because at the end of the day, the kids will grow up and leave and you will still be with your spouse. Also, do NOT leave any room for your kids/stepkids to interfere or threaten your marriage. Show them what a strong, resilient and loving couple do, (work together through good and bad, create a home and stick together through thick and thin, good times and bad times). Once they see that they can't break through that bond, they just might stop trying to.

Dealing with BM is another difficult task. Just do your best to not allow her to get under your skin because she will try at every opportunity and uses the kids as the #1 weapon. Don't engage. Remain civil and mature. Let that idiot self destruct on her own. Plus, the more you control yourself and behave respectfully, the more your husband will love and respect you. Also, the stepkids will never be able to say you were a crazy b*tch because they never saw you act like one.... you never showed your a$$ like their own BM. LOL. Plus, bitch .... I'm unphased! carry on. LOL

Another important thing. DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF in this blended family hell. Its so easy to do! you get so overwhelmed and consumed with the drama and bs that you start becoming someone you don't like and never wanted to be. Don't let this experience change you for the worst. Allow it to change you for the better.

I always marched to a different drummer. When I graduated from high school more than 50 years ago not that many women went to college - especially in my peer group where most people didn't graduate from high school.

I went to college (full ride scholarship) and majored in a STEM field - also rare for women. There were only 5 women in my major. I had two great job offers by March of my senior year. I learned early to prepare well and to look out for ME.

This is something that I would stress in a step situation or just in life in general. Always be able to take care of yourself. NEVER let your well being be dependent on a man (especially one with children).

Minor children really cannot be ignored, dismissed, never seen, etc. Bio parents really do have an obligation to raise their minor children. So you have to decide first of all if you can accept a relationship with a man with minor children. For me that was a no go.

Adult skids may or may not be a positive addition to a step-parent's life. Many are lovely people who are willing to accept a new partner. Unfortunately many others are horrible people who bring nothing but grief. There's no one size fits all.

Net net: Never let yourself be used and abused by anyone.

I got divorced in Tennessee. We were required to attend parenting class prior to getting divorced. This is a state requirement. We also had a mandatory waiting period that felt like forever even though it was only something like 120 days.

I can say, without doubt, that the class was a waste of time. Everyone there knew the answers already, and of course you're going to "work with each other to ensure the child has the best" and "not talk bad about the other parent". You can't MAKE people actually do this stuff, regardless of how much education there is. There also was mention made of new partners and such, but I really think no one paid attention at all...we were all there because we HAD to be.

So, having said that, I think a class prior to becoming a step-parent would be a colossal waste of time and resources. You can't teach people what they are actually going to experience. You can be told about common problems and issues, and 95% of people are going to think "that will never be a problem for me!" and go on about life. Not to mention that if it was required, people are just going to BE there, not actually attempting to learn from it. You might prevent some people from actually getting into relationships, which I guess could be good for some and not for others. Personally, I wouldn't mind having a support group IRL for people who struggle with step-life.

First, please realise he has the hots for you.
It doesn’t mean the step-kids have it too.
They likely love their mum, and always will,
yet dally quite amicably until

the church bells ring aloud and you are wed.
You cannot know the road that lies ahead.
Resentment is a force that never ends.
Possession, like a rod that seldom bends.

But yes, you’ll try your best because of him.
Your love is strong – sublimely conquering.
They’ll see you are no threat, just nurturing
a life anew around a golden ring.

They’ll realise their dad was not complete
without your love, without your arms to keep
him warm and safe. Content at last, embraced;
set free from she he tangled with in haste.

Beware the path you choose, it is your own.
Your aspirations yours and yours alone.
The shards that pierce your feet along the way
Will bleed your heart forever and a day.

In hindsight:

I would never have emotionally put my 100% effort and time into trying to be liked by my adult Stepkids.

I would never let them disrespect me at the beginning and wished I hadn't kept my mouth shut hoping it would get better.

I would never hope they would mature (even though they were already adults) and give them the benefit of the doubt incase they just needed time to get used to it.

My BIGGEST regret is that I moved away from my own children to be close to the adult SKs so they wouldn't resent me taking their Dad miles away. I regret that I messed up my own children's happiness/Christmas/birthdays to try and accomodate the step family's wishes. I brought up my children to respect all adults (even if they don't like them), it's a shame my SKs don't respect others too.

If any education is required, it's adult spoilt brats who will do anything to split their dad and any woman that comes along so that they can have him lonely, on hand for them and a bigger wallet to spoil them. They want dad to be GRATEFUL to them for giving him any time and EXPECT him to pay for all meals (even on Father's Day and birthday) cos that's what he has always done.

When a woman comes along with polite children it shows what a ridiculous situation Dad and his SS34 and SD31 are in. The kids calling the shots and Dad just being trodden on as he didn't want to rock the boat incase they stop communicating with him. He is therefore happy to have any little crumbs they wish to give him.

In hindsight:

I would never have emotionally put my 100% effort and time into trying to be liked by my adult Stepkids.

I would never let them disrespect me at the beginning and wished I hadn't kept my mouth shut hoping it would get better.

I would never hope they would mature (even though they were already adults) and give them the benefit of the doubt incase they just needed time to get used to it.

My BIGGEST regret is that I moved away from my own children to be close to the adult SKs so they wouldn't resent me taking their Dad miles away. I regret that I messed up my own children's happiness/Christmas/birthdays to try and accomodate the step family's wishes. I brought up my children to respect all adults (even if they don't like them), it's a shame my SKs don't respect others too.

If any education is required, it's adult spoilt brats who will do anything to split their dad and any woman that comes along so that they can have him lonely, on hand for them and a bigger wallet to spoil them. They want dad to be GRATEFUL to them for giving him any time and EXPECT him to pay for all meals (even on Father's Day and birthday) cos that's what he has always done.

When a woman comes along with polite children it shows what a ridiculous situation Dad and his SS34 and SD31 are in. The kids calling the shots and Dad just being trodden on as he didn't want to rock the boat incase they stop communicating with him. He is therefore happy to have any little crumbs they wish to give him.

Based on my experience with dh, I'd tell a newly divorced man that his child is important but the marriage takes priority. A man that cannot commit to another marriage completely should not consider remarrying at all. And if he wants a successful 2nd marriage, he needs to show his children that his new wife is important and he will not stand for any disrespect towards her from his children or ex wife. She is his partner, not his nanny for spoiled kids.

I'd tell any woman considering stepparenting to really take a close look at how she is treated by the man she dates and his kids. Any signs of the mini wife, Disney dad, or other bullshit needs to be considered and the " you're not the REAL mother" crap should not be tolerated at any time. bad behaviors tolerated before marriage will not get better afterwards and probably get worse.

Dr. Laura is a suporter of no relationships until the kids are grown camp. There are some good arguements for that perspective since it exposes kids to the least amount of drama following a divorce or the death of a parent.

I for one do not ascribe to that camp. I believe that showing children how a healthy commited equity partnership and family work is important.... and .... parents have to live their own lives even following a divorce or being an unwed parent.

As for the training you suggest. My thoughts.

- If you choose to remarry you must be fully commited to that equity life partnership and both you and your new spouse must make each other and the marriage your unequaled priority. Kids are the top adult and marital responsibility but never take priority over your spouse or your marriage. (A bit different than what most people think.)

- Your home and family must operate under reasonable stardards of behavior and all kids must comply with those rules or receive age appropriate consequences for failure to comply. Both parents in the home must enforce the rules.

- You and your spouse are equity life partners and that makes you both an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of who the bio parents of those kids are. Your spouse takes precident over any other parent other than yourself. Your X, GPs, etc....... Yes, your children may have a father or mother other than your spouse but in your home and within the context of your family your spouse is THE other parent.

- Any income you earn is marital income. The same applies to your spouse. That includes any CS either you or your spouse receive. (I don't believe that separatefinances is a good foundation for a lifelong commitment.)

There are others. How many do you want.

All IMHO of course.