Dragged into a dinner
Forums:
MSD has a miscarriage. I did disengage long enough to send her a message telling her I was sorry. So now a few weeks later she calls DH and wants to go to dinner with us and her husband. 
I was enjoying my nice quiet year of not having to deal with the steps! Now I can't say no without looking like a total B to someone who just had a miscarriage.
That should say I reengaged!
That should say I reengaged! Not disengaged. Oh and this is the same step who decided I wasn't invited to Christmas year before last.
Oops. See what you get when
Oops. See what you get when you are a decent person.
Having a miscarriage doesn't necessarily change the person she is. If you don't want to go, don't go, you don't owe her anything just because she had a miscarriage. You conveyed your condolences, that CAN be the end of it.
If you do go and she acts the bitch, then you know to stay disengaged, no.matter.what.
I do feel really bad that she
I do feel really bad that she had a miscarriage. I know how painful that can be. It's the only reason I'm considering going to the dinner. I know my husband wants me to go and so I'll go. I was just really liking my nice happy place where the steps were gone.
You can go to dinner and stay
You can go to dinner and stay disengaged during dinner. I take disengagement a step at a time. To generalize disengagement will always make you take it back; kind of like "never say never".
I understand; I had basically disallowed my SD56 coming into my house, but then came Christmas and they were in town. DH asked if they could stop by the day after Christmas; I said "no problem if they treat me with respect. The first disrespect, I hold the door open". They came by and SD put on a good show of being nice; I was civil and stayed disengaged. She got the message and DH got his visit.
Bottom line, I keep my boundaries and I am the one that is in control of my disengagement; SD doesn't have any say concerning me, and she knows it now.
A single dinner doesn't have
A single dinner doesn't have to mean the end of disengagement. You can go to the dinner, be polite, and end it at that.
On a positive note, at least she made the invite to both of you. She could have just invited your DH.
Not sure if she may have an ulterior motive or not, but at least you will be present to learn about it.
I think there is a scene from
I think there is a scene from one of the Godfather movies about this.
"Just when I thought I was out.... they pull me back in!" if my memory of the line serves me correctly.
The miscarriage is a sad thing. I would guage your interface against SD and her mates behaviors during dinner.
The great thing about
The great thing about disengagement is that it give you the power to choose. You get to choose who you will see, when you will see them, and what if anything you will do for/with them. You're choosing to go to a dinner, you'll eat and then go home. In the future you'll have the same choices, if you want to attend an event you can, if you'd rather not then opt out.
THIS!!!!!
THIS!!!!!
This is very true. I hope DH
This is very true. I hope DH understands that too. I have no intentions of engaging again. Cutting off conversations with them has made such a difference! Before I was getting Facebook group messages with the SDs ganging up on me and often would throw random other family members in the messages. Since i cut off answering them and attempting to defend myself now they have to complain straight to DH and he cuts them off quick! No longer is playing referee between me and them. It has made all the difference! Since I'm not in the fight he gets mad at them when they act stupid!
You were smart to step out of
You were smart to step out of the ring! Always remember that you are in charge of your interactions w/them.
Is she looking for a free
Is she looking for a free dinner out with her husband?
No Good Deed goes unpunishsd,
No Good Deed goes unpunishsd, you should have kept your human feelings to yourself and saved yourself from the stress.
If your SD is being kind to
If your SD is being kind to YOU now, and you feel good about it- then go and feel her out again. If she acts decently, good for you; if not, never again....and stick with it. You hope people change over time, I wonder if that is true or not. Maybe it just depends on the person, huh? Wish I knew.
Oh....I have to be careful what husband tells me "she says." Usually, it was never stated by her at all and he wishes that she did...so he acts like they did to me, just to rope me back in the BS, lol.
(No subject)
If there is anything even
If there is anything even reasonably nice stated by him, as coming from them...I seriously question the validity. Like yours, I know he is trying to paint a prettier picture than the reality which he lives in....but, reality exists and HE created it. Yeah, I trust about zero coming from him regarding them and, to be truthful, they even lie to him to look better, get attention, or resources: he is simply parroting their lies. It is difficult to know the difference sometimes...He is so gullible and out of touch, he actually believes it until I show him the facts (public records, etc.), in black and white--even then he tries to deny it or twist it; it is both hilarious and pathetic, all in one.
The BS they try to feed us,
The BS they try to feed us, makes them look like babbling idiots too. Then, the fools want us to trust what they tell us... one big continuous negative cycle.
I am thankful to know I am not alone in uber crazy.
I disengaged from SD twice.
I disengaged from SD twice. The first time I re-engaged because DH assured me SD would be nice. At first she wasn't too bad but in no time was back to the same obnoxious witch. The problem - I did not have boundaries in place and make them clear to both DH and SD - big mistake. The second time I disengaged I DID make my boundaries known, and they have not changed: I will be respected as DH's wife and practice mutual respect. After 6 years, it doesn't appear I am going to re-engage anytime soon, but if the opportunity came up, I would definitely make sure my boundaries were understood by DH.
I told Dh if she was rude I
I told Dh if she was rude I was leaving. I also told him I wasn't getting on the merry go round again. I would go to dinner as his wife and that's it.
I saw the first text where
I saw the first text where she did say her and her husband wanted to go to dinner with DH and me either Friday or Saturday. Dh replied that he would talk to me about it. At lunch we talked and I told him I had training all day Friday in the next town so I would be late getting home and didn't want to drive another hour in the opposite direction to go to dinner. So he text her back and told her we could meet on Saturday for dinner and asked what time. She replied back 6 and from that point their planning stop and they didn't plan a place or any of that. I'm guess she didn't think that far ahead because she wasn't expecting me to agree to go.
Do you think she only
Do you think she only included you to look good but really hoped you would decline?
I will not go..... eff her,
I will not go..... eff her, she caused allot of problems already and I will not be roped back in, (this is how you feel in the inside)
on the outside you feel... I will go for my DH sake and say sorry to hear about the miscarriage....
so you have a war within yourself, this is not a nice feeling.... but you already said, fine we can go and DH said Saturday, now it's in her hands... you showed compassion and willingness to put the past behind you, the ball is in her court... see if she leaves it there or if she plays it back, maybe this whole ordeal changed her a bit and you can actually have a cordial relationship, or she was never pregnant and made it all up... or she's the same old horrible kid you disengaged from... only time will tell
Hi I'm new to this fantastic
Hi I'm new to this fantastic forum and haven't used forums before, could someone please point me in the direction of finding out more about 'disengagement' as think I need that in my life right now. Thank you.
Hello and welcome. Would you
Hello and welcome. Would you give a bit more information as to why you feel the need to disengage now? I can assure you that if you feel the need, you probably need to disengage.
Don't know if there is a place on this site that describes disengaging but if you read through some of the posts you'll find that there are different degrees of disengagement.
Some of us create boundaries by not making so much of an emotional investment in the skids. We allow the parent to take care of their children's needs. If they come to us for anything we say, "Talk to your Dad (or Mom). We quit being a maid for them, buying presents for them or try to make them like us.
Others of us were so abused that the only choice we had was to ban a skid from our home until we received the respect we deserved as a partner of their parent. We do not discuss the skid with our partner or take part in any event which would involve the skid. We usually let the partner visit the skid somewhere else. Some of us have even had to resort to divorce to claim our lives back.
Most of us find the answer somewhere between these two examples. You have to find the place that works for you.
For further information see: http://www.stepdigest.com
Disengagement is exactly what
Disengagement is exactly what Still Learning said, YOU and only YOU choose how and when you will interact etc with the steps. Sometimes, and this is definitely one of them, we do have to attend an event with them . During these times, the crocodile smiles are great,also talking about all the wanderful things you and DH have been doing which haven't included her.