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Does anyone have a crystal ball?

Step lightly's picture

So this is a question mainly for those step-parents who have been in their skids lives since they were relatively young, i.e. before preteen age.

How has your relationship with your skids evolved from the point you’ve known them?

If you could tell your past self that this is how things are now, what would your past self say?

Are there things that have happened between you and skids that you would have done differently? Things you’re glad you did? 

 

 

sandye21's picture

"How has your relationship with your skids evolved from the point you’ve known them?"  I met SD when she was 12 years old.  She is now 45 years old.  Our relationship 'devolved' rather than evolved.  As the years went by she became more sophisticated in her sadism.  Haven;t seen her in over 8 years and have no plans to reconnect.

"If you could tell your past self that this is how things are now, what would your past self say?"  Run like hell!

"Are there things that have happened between you and skids that you would have done differently? Things you’re glad you did? "  No, other than stop the BS sooner.

tog redux's picture

I met SS when he was 10, now he's 19.  He has always liked and respected me, but I've always kept him at arm's length because his mother is nuts and he's enmeshed with her.  When he was visiting, we would play games, or throw the ball in the back yard, etc.  He always tried to confide in me about his feelings - he was being alienated by his mother and she finally got him to refuse visitation when he was 15.  We didn't see him again until he was 18.5, and we resumed having a superficially polite and respecful relationship, but I don't trust him (never did and likely never will). 

Katylouu's picture

When I met my husband, his son was 1.5, I met his son when he was 3 and we got married when he was 4. I didn't live with my husband until we were married so up until then, things were fine.  lol  But I had prewarned my husband that he needed to change some things or I would and that is where the first fight began.  Things like bedtime, picking up his room, eating real food was at first a struggle. I constantly got the pre-drilled phrase given to him by his mother and that was "you are not my mommy" and my retort was "but this is my house and you will live here by my rules".  His dad supported me all the way.

By the time he was 5, he wanted to live with us..lol   My parents had a farm so every summer we were there.  And then My kids came along and he was "big-brother and they all LOVE each other.  He has a good mother, but she is a stick in the mud...lol  We started getting along when he was around 6, and when she understood that from her home, she couldn't control my home and that he was much more organized at out home, and had chores and expectations regardless of what he did there.  I will never forget the time we were going to the amusement park IF his homework was done, and he told her to move, he needed to get it done..lol

I have a son and twin girls and along with him, I am very proud of them all.  They are all close, have all graduated college and have great careers and stay in contact.  His mother has 1 other daughter the same age as my girls and they all hang out.

The  only thing I would do differently would be to have my husband put some things in motion regarding establishing bed time, not taking him for fast food because deprogramming and reprogramming was very tough and that could have gone badly because his mom kept throwing in the monkey wrenches.  Had that been established earlier, she may have thought it was his doing and not mine and been more receptive.  But I don't know, because when we sat and talked a few years later, she was apologetic because I was and am actually concerned. 

 

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

How has your relationship with your skids evolved from the point you’ve known them?  It went from promising to excruciatingly, painfully disrespectful.

If you could tell your past self that this is how things are now, what would your past self say?  I would tell myself that I should have DEMANDED to dh that he support me in making his son show me respect.  

Are there things that have happened between you and skids that you would have done differently? Things you’re glad you did? Since we may be divorcing next week, yes, I always think "hindsight is 20/20," but I honestly don't know if anything could have changed this outcome.  DH has never forced dss to be respectful, and I don't know that dh even knows how to do that.  I AM glad that I tried over and over, giving dss the benefit of the doubt and I gave him so many chances, called him on his bull$4it every time it happened, and have made him accountable for his crappy behavior at every turn.  I just cannot do it anymore.  I thought he would outgrow it, but I was wrong...it's only gotten worse and dh doesn't support me so we may be calling it quits next week.

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

If you want to know how it evolves look at how your DH treats his stepmom. Kids will model their parents. My skids were only 8 and 10 when  I met them and we had a difficult time with SD when she was 13. Things have taken a turn for the better for me I would have to say. Now the onus is on me to get rid of my resentments and this site is helping me.

CLove's picture

How has your relationship with your skids evolved from the point you’ve known them?

SD 20 Feral Forger: It has evolved into me being hated and called names, my husband doesnt ever talk with her, because she has accused him of aabuse (false claims) and when she asked to move in with us he said no, work it out with your mother.

SD13 Munchkin: She would always follow me around talking and laughing and singing. Now she follows me around talking. Occasionally I get a "concert" on ukelele or violin lol. Our relationship has gotten more complex, she has an emotional depth, wheas her sister does not. We are more friends because I realise that I am not her parent. She allows me to parent her, however I am clear about things. I put a lot of energy into her and we have gone through much tgether, so I would say we are pretty well-bonded. For now. Shes a teen now so that can change.

If you could tell your past self that this is how things are now, what would your past self say? Run. lol. But seriously, run.

Are there things that have happened between you and skids that you would have done differently? Things you’re glad you did?

Yes, I would have searched out this site sooner, disengaged sooner, not tried to parent, not moved in for a while, and so on.

Im glad that I have been able to help out Munchkin. In her short life she has been through the traumatic experience of seeing her father physically, emotionally and verbally abused by her mother, been physically and emotionally abused by her older sister, and seen her older sister, choked and slapped by her mother. Thats a lot for a kid. I am glad that she is able to see what a loving family actually looks like.