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Does anyone else ever fantasize of leaving?

momof5_1969's picture

I think about leaving often. My mom asked me today "if you could have watched a film reel of your life and saw what was to come, would you still have married him?" I didn't even hesitate. I said absolutely not. I was so much happier when it was just me and my daughter. Knowing what I know now and the hassles that I've gone through with his kids, nope. In fact, knowing what I know now, I think I would never get involved with another man who has any children ever again. I would become celebate because I wouldn't want to become involved with anyone in any way so as to become attached to them especially if they had children.

I feel bad that I feel this way too because I feel like I should be thankful that I have a family, but honestly, its not the same. I don't feel love from them. I'm more or less someone they have to put up with. I say that I love them, but honestly I don't know if I really do. If they were gone out of my life, I don't know if I would miss them. I would miss my husband, but not his children. They are rude, lazy, greedy, act entitled, etc.

Honestly, I feel trapped and a lot of times I want out. I'm unable to work right now. I lost my job a year ago due to an illness, that I'm sure was brought on by the tremendous amount of stress that I go through on a daily basis with this family. Most days I just don't want to do this anymore. They are all 16 and older and there are 4 of them. I keep thinking that once they are out of the home, it will get better, but right now I'm miserable, irritable, angry, bitchy. About 6 months into our marriage I went to my doctor and asked him to put me back on anti-depressants (I'd been off them for 3+ years) and an anti-anxiety med because I was in a "constant state of pissed off."

There are days that I wonder if me venting does me good, or if it makes me worse. Or if there are just days that I'm simply worse than others. I don't know. Today is an angry, irritable, bitchy day for me. My daughter is considerate and thoughtful towards his skids --- and today SD16 and SS20 took off to the movies and didn't even ask her if she wanted to go (she's 17) -- I thought that was rude. Of course, my husband is oblivious. Thankfully my daughter is easy going and she says "its okay, I was really tired anyways Mom and I'm going to be going to bed." She then decided to run up to get herself some icecream, then offers to get me one and her step dad. You wouldn't see his kids doing that. On Father's Day, his kids expected HIM to take THEM out to dinner -- even though all FOUR have jobs, and if they split it four ways, it wouldn't have cost hardly anything at all. They bought him a POP! That was all they got him on Father's Day. PUNKS! I have other words, but unbelievable comes to mind. We have been so generous with those greedy, selfish, brats -- I find this simply unbelievable. I was outraged. But whatever.

Then to top that off we're going camping. The oldest SS21 is coming with us even though he doesn't live with us, and I told him he would have to help with some of the costs. He's like "what??" I told him we're not paying for ATVs or jet skis that he and his brother will need to pay for that -- then he starts whining that he has no money -- bullsh**. Whatever. So then I tell my husband that we're going to have to put this trip on credit cards anyways, and he's like no big deal .... and SS21 is unphased. Little punk! pissed me off. So WE should go into debt so you can have a vacation you greedy little brat??

I don't even want to go. Okay, I'm done venting at least for now. So thankful I have a place to vent. I think I need another Xanax because I'm now too pissed to sleep. Sad oh well, such is life and this is mine at the moment.

novemberm's picture

I feel so bad for you. What your mom asked-your answer was profound. It seems like your DH is not on the same page as you. How is he with his kids,other than being oblivious?

I can relate, as I dont even know what page my boyfriend is on. He is trying, I give him much credit for that, but I expect him to cave in again soon. I love him so much, but I dont want to marry him when I am seeing his kids get worse.

His adult kids are 18, 19, and 22. They sound like your Skids. One wont speak to him until he leaves me. The other 2 only call/text/email when they want money or things. He has not been giving in, but he feels so bad saying no, and then I have to deal with his moods. They post crap on Facebook to make him feel bad. They dont live with us (that wont happen with me here) but the constant texts and emails are ridiculous. His daughter is hell bent on moving in and having him support her forever. It is scary.

I want to give you a hug, because I am dealing with the same type of manipulation and greed as you are. I want to scream sometimes. They want him to do what they want, when they want, but never a thank you or a call to see how he is. There is no love from them. In my opinion he is only a paycheck to them.

I am glad you have your daughter. She is probably keeping you sane. Sounds like you raised her right!

If I split with my bf, I will never be with someone with kids again. That is probably not fair, and I may wind up alone, but so be it.

I am like you, no job, but I am looking-just got my Masters degree. I have a chronic illness, so I know what it is like not to be able to work. Mine is bearable now. Do you think if you go back to work when you can that things will be easier? It seems like you may be better off leaving with your daughter now, though, since this stress is making you so sick.

I hope that you find the strength to make the best decisions for you and your daughter.

Lilynadrienne's picture

Oh God sounds like this life is about to start for me my almost 18 yr old sd barely graduated this year n is thinking of leaving to the navy her bm is dead so I Have to deal with her constant bs

sandye21's picture

I still fantasize about leaving after 20 years and many times wonder why in the hell I stay. At this point, I think it has something to do with money. LOL LOL But I know I want more than DH seems to know how to give.

momof5_1969's picture

Disability -- yes I applied back in September, they denied it one time, and now I'm doing the reconsideration process right now. If that doesn't go through then I can appeal. I do have an attorney so am hoping that will make a difference. I used to work in the legal field and made plenty of money to support myself. I get so pissed when I think about all of this some times. I really just want to be happy again -- and not sure if that can happen in this current situation. I read so many stories here and I think "this is never going to end, ever." We will always have his kids in our lives. They will always ben leeches because he has taught them to be that way.

They live with us full-time -- at least 2 of them do. The oldest SD22 got kicked out -- I put my foot down about that one and said if he didn't I was gone. She is a bitch and has been awful. Oh, and he asks me last night "what am I supposed to do about this?" "My daughter and my wife can't stand each other, what am I supposed to do about this?" I wanted to tell him "I don't give a shit." So I told him, what do you expect out of me -- do be a doormat and continue to allow her to treat me like crap? I was instantly pissed. I told him he could visit her outside the home. I'm not leaving MY house so he can visit that little bitch.

Honestly this is turning me into someone I don't like. I am not a person who cusses, but I've got cuss words all over in my head and they are now even coming out my mouth. I try to forgive. I'm supposed to be a Christian -- but yet I have all this hate in me right now that I can't even stand myself. It's like this never ending circle and merry go round of insanity that I can't get off of even if I want to.

I already know how the camping trip is going to be. I'm going to do all the work for every body. My husband may help some. I'm going to be pissed and edgy. I'm not a drinker, but this may cause me to start drinking just so I can survive this trip -- I want to go because I want my daughter to enjoy the trip. Last years camping trip -- they have a different memory of it -- they remember it being fun. I remember them complaining and bitching about EVERYTHING. BRATS.

novemberm -- my chronic illness has been ongoing since November 2008 -- it just got to a point of such severity in April of last year that I had to be let go/quit. It was so sad and hard for me. I'd been with my boss for 9 years, and loved that job. He still holds an open spot for me should things change. Which is sweet. I'm even still on their web site listed as "staff" -- Smile I began having such severe migraines and seizures, together with everything else, that I was no longer able to do a productive work week. Terribly frustrating. I tell ya, if I could go back to work, I would do it in a heart beat.

Funny thing though, some days I like being home because all the kids have jobs so the house is quiet -- and peaceful. The younger of the three skids aren't nearly as bad as the oldest, but she seems to have an influence over the others. The youngest was around her oldest sister the other day and that seemed to have an effect on her, and she has been just a brat, even more than normal, the last few days. Sigh.

Well, I tried to talk to my husband. Now he's pissed. Oh well. Just one more person in the house --

momof5_1969's picture

Hi fedup -- thank you for your response. I so appreciate it. The migraines are due to my chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and have finally gotten under control. I take topamax for them now, which also doubles as an anti-seizure med and so the seizures have gotten under control also. Thankfully.

I am getting more into some supplements now that I have a diagnosis and am taking supplements trying to boost my immune system because it is compromised due to the CFS (auto immune disease). I've been dealing with it on some level since at least 2004, that I'm aware of.

The xanax I only take at night and in a very small amount, to help me sleep.

Yah, when my husband said that I sat there like "what the heck do you want me to do about this?" Because I have bent over backwards for that little twit. I'm done with her -- flat done! If he expects me to lay down and take it anymore he's got another thing coming. I've done everything I can think of, now she needs to grow up and stop being a little b****.

I totally agree with you on exactly what you said. You hit the nail right on the head.

I've decided that on the camping trip -- I'm going to go -- the little B***** isn't going. My daughter is going, and I think if we choose the place that I'm hoping, she and I can go off by ourselves and enjoy time to ourselves without them, which will be great. I'm looking forward to being with her.

Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you, and this forum. Don't know what I'd do if I couldn't vent.

still breathing's picture

I have fantasized about leaving.. I take mental vacations...plan trips of how nice it would be for me and my son to spend time togther without having to do for and answer to DH and SD. I think we all could use a break and re-connect with our own children. Even the DH's and theyre kids should reconnect! I vote we all choose a dream vacation with all our expectations of sanity and relaxation to enjoy to the fullest!! Heck, I'd be happy as can be with a room at Holiday Inn for the weekend just to be away!

frustratedstepdad's picture

I haven't REALLY thought about leaving....but I can admit to fantasizing about it a few times. I would miss the hell out of my wife, but would not miss her kids AT ALL. All the stress they cause us can almost overshadow the love I have for my wife at times.

Shannon61's picture

Touche. In my case, I used to flash back to my clean, quiet, lake front condo that was such a warm and peaceful environment. A place where there was no lazy, nasty SD playing head games and just annoying me with just the sight of sullen face. Also missing w/DH turning a blind eye to his troubled princess and her childish antics.

I was so disgusted during the first few years of marriage, I threw around the D word all the time. It was hell. Things are better now because I tolerate SD and I've disengaged. And she's moving out soon. I forgive her, but I'm ready for her to go. She's also engaged and I can only wonder how her fiance can tolerate her because she's so obnoxious. I'm thinking he must be just like her.

mmh's picture

Hi momof5

I can totally empathise with you as I also have CFS/ME which has gotten really severe over the past couple of years because of the stress with DH and SD.
Just a thought... Could you and your lovely daughter stay together on the campsite away from DH and Skids and let him deal with the whole situation seeing as he thinks his kids are so great!
Whichever way try and put you and your daughter first and start saving some money, which is what I am doing, because I am not spending my last years on this planet being some other persons doormat!
Best of Luck and hope you feel better very soon x

momof5_1969's picture

mmh -- I'm sorry you're dealing with CFS/ME also. Mine has gotten really bad since 2008 -- due to the stress I know. I haven't quite solved the whole camping dilema yet. Don't really know what to do. I would love to stay a campsite away with my daughter, but then that would cost extra -- which we don't have Sad I would love to tell him to take his kids and go, and I'll take my daughter on a separate vaca and go -- but we can't afford that either. I don't know.

Yes, savings account -- that I do have -- in my name alone. I earn money babysitting and my DH told me I could do with it whatever I wanted -- so I do. I put it in a savings account and don't touch it. I'm not hiding it from him. He knows about it and knows it doesn't have his name on it. I told him. Because I told him if he ever allows SD22 to move back again EVER, I'm gone, for good. I said that last time and never followed through. I told him this time when he kicked her out -- yet again (I think this was at least the 3rd time he's had to kick her out) -- that I seriously was not staying the next time. And I emphasized it repeatedly so he would not forget it this time.

The last time he let her move back in -- he made the decision unilaterally, and this was how it went. Oh ya, he did say I could have a say in it, sort of. So within ear shot of SD22 he tells me "if it were up to me I would let her move back in, so what do you think honey?" I was floored. I said "well, I guess the decision is made." He's like "what?" I said "the decision is made. You just made it. Because now if I say no, I'm the bitch step mom. Thanks a lot." "No no, you do have a say in this," says DH. "Nope, I don't." I was so pissed I don't think I talked to him for a couple of weeks. I felt so betrayed. This was after I hadn't spoken to her in probably 9 months. This was after an entire month of me asking him "you're not letting her move back in are you." and him telling me and promising me that no he's not letting her move back in -- an entire MONTH. So I felt pretty good about the situation when she came back from her crazy mother's that she would not be moving back in with us. But no -- see the conversation above.

And this is how our relationship has gone. Me getting pissed. Me voicing my opinions. Him ignoring it. Him sometimes not ignoring it. Me being pissed. Me yelling and trying to get my point acrossed. ETC ETC ETC. Sigh. I'm tired of fighting it at times.

Oh, some good news though. Found out SS18 may be joining the military at least for 3 years and may be doing it sooner rather than later! woohoo!!! He may be out soon! And I can't wait!

I'm thankful for all you here. Thank you for listening everyone. Sorry you all are going through this crap too. Sucks beans.

momof5_1969's picture

fedup -- thank you for the meditation tips and the tip to get an ipod -- that's a great idea! I have a girlfriend who has offered her home to me, and I'm going to take her up on it when things get to the point that I can't handle it. I've done it before. I was gone for almost a week.

I think my husband has sensed that I'm having a tough time because he's been extra "nice" lately. Sending text messages telling me how wonderful I am, etc. Which is all nice, but when I'm pissed off its hard to respond. Then a part of me wonders if he's being nice because he wants something -- like a little "somethin somethin'" if you know what I mean. With my illness, my sex drive is low and pain makes it difficult for me to want to be intimate too. Plus when I'm angry, that interferes also.

My daughter and I do date nights or date days at least once a week during the weeks she is with me (every other week) -- so we have our time together just the two of us at least twice a month. So that is nice. I think what's hard is that my mind gets the better of me at times because it won't shush up and replays things that the kids/adults do that aggravate me, which its always something. I keep trying to tell myself "I don't care" -- "it doesn't matter" .... and it is helping a little.

dbk519's picture

The last time he let her move back in -- he made the decision unilaterally, and this was how it went. Oh ya, he did say I could have a say in it, sort of. So within ear shot of SD22 he tells me "if it were up to me I would let her move back in, so what do you think honey?" I was floored. I said "well, I guess the decision is made." He's like "what?" I said "the decision is made. You just made it. Because now if I say no, I'm the bitch step mom. Thanks a lot." "No no, you do have a say in this," says DH. "Nope, I don't."

I think it is so awesome that you noticed you were being made the scapegoat. I probably wouldn't have realized it until much later. DH needed to do that. He couldn't be the bad guy... That's what happened with our situation with my SD's wedding money request.. I had a savings of my own... so DH said he didn't have the money, but I did.... ARGGGG

momof5_1969's picture

dbk -- scapegoat -- yes I recognized it because my ex-husband was a master manipulator and when I got out from under his control, I began really recognizing manipulation and controlling behaviors in others, and when other people try to do it to me I simply call them on it and won't allow it. Unfortunately, I've had lots of "practice".

Sigh ..... I'm sorry that happened to you too. It's so frustrating.

notsure00's picture

Wow - so sorry to hear this is happening to you and to SO many here on the boards! I'm reading every word and really reconsidering getting married to fiance with crazy adult daughter. I know I am hopeful at this point, but I don't want to end up totally exhausted or physically ill from all drama. Gosh, you all have put up with SO much for SO long. Please take care of yourselves the best you can. YOU are worth more than being used and abused and kicked to the curb.

momof5_1969's picture

I agree notsure00. I know if I had it to do again --- knowing what I do know now -- I would stay single, and stay in my life the way it was. I was much happier. So much happier.

The things that I've done more and more lately is make a life for myself outside of my family with girlfriends. Spending more time with them, and I do quite a bit of babysitting for friends which gets me out of the house a lot. I also volunteer for our church babysitting for the infants. I love babies and find that taking care of them gives me so much joy. To spend time with them it takes my mind off of all of the junk at home, and to play with them and care for them and love on the babies is so wonderful -- I know that it is a gift that God has given me during this really difficult time in my life. I need to keep remembering that.

On a regular basis I babysit 3 little ones, soon to be four (one of the Mama's is pregnant!). And they love on me like I'm a favorite Auntie. It is wonderful and I can't tell you what a gift it is. That is a blessing. And I'm great friends with Mom's too, so its a win - win.

I guess I needed to type that down as a reminder to myself that there are good things. I've been having such a hard week mentally, emotionally, that I can't see the trees through the forest (so to speak). So it is good that I can see this tonight.

Thank you all for listening. I'm thankful for all you!