Divorce or Legal Separation - THAT is the Question
I don't want to go back and put myself in the situation of more game playing since H has no backbone where T is concerned.
I have a whole drawer of cards and leters from him that I have not opened. I just don't want to deal with it any more. Yet I feel both angry and sad that it has gotten to this situation. He has called my Daughter and she has told him that I do not want to speak to him, which is true.
So much to sort out and sadly that also means going back into the past T carp. She scares the begesus out of me.
As my BFF, the retired profiler, pointed out, she is a crook and a cheat. She has no qualms about hiring someone to do something for her and then claiming it wasn't done right or to her satisfaction and pushing them to give her $$$ back. A case of trying to get something for nothing. She went on to say that is why T won't hire local people but gets contractors, etc. from a distance away.
In my BFF's opinion, saying married to H will nly have T raising her evil mischief when either one of us passes away.
Making this decision is goinna be a tough one.
First you legal separation, then Divorce.
you know your EX will allways feel that T is right and perfect. You are not with him anymore. Do yourself a favor and Divorce him. You don’t need to be second in a relationship. You need to first. You will never be first with your Ex
100% Divorce!
100% Divorce!
I know it is hard to think about... But if you pass first, you already know T will force your husband into contesting any Will you have (I hope) with him cut out of it. She will do anything in her power to get your assets! Imagine if she "forced" your soon to be ex husband into claiming your children coerced you to move away from him in a ploy to gain your assets... yikes.
Fully, legally cut ties. It is time.
You are right abou that,
You are right abou that, SteppedOut. I remember when her husband's mother passed. Seems the Father passed out the Mother's jewelry to HIS daughters. Twit had a snit, crying to H in front of me, how terrible it was because she didn't get any of it blamig it on the oldest daughter. I remember thinking that Twit had no right to it as she was not a blood line daughter, but H seemed to think she was being slighted. It is always about her and what she wants and thinks she deserves.
She also complained to us that the immediate family would not let her into the Mother's room when she was passing. I always wondered about that as I would have thought her husband would have had her with him. I think that alone speaks volumes.
Sad
It's so sad that it has to come to this but there comes a time when, after so many years of the same thing - when DH STILL doesn't gain clarity - that you have think of what is good for you. You can only beat a dead horse until it turns to dust. What a horrible decision to make! So many dreams lost. BUT there is a clear road ahead.
If the situation is not 'dire' there is no rush. Things to consider: DH's present and future health. YOUR future health. Any financial ramifications. How you are living your life now.
It appears you don't want to open DH's drawer of letters because it will transport you back to where you were before you separated. Can't blame you a bit. What would happen if you asked your DD to read them, then give you a short summary of the contents of the letters? It might be easier to make the decision.
Actually, your courage has inspired me to take a good look at my own marriage. After 28 years I am asking myself if I am being realistic in hoping that DH can change. He'd have to turn into a different man. For me, there is no rush. The right time will come, just like it did for you. A few weeks ago my DH went to his brother's funeral. It gave me a few days to have a taste of what life would be like if I was on my own. It was wonderful! There was a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a very long time - sort of like you when you decided to move back with your family. As I wrote, I am taking my time and making sure everything is right. Going to a lawyer on Monday to see where I stand financially if I take the plunge.
Please let us know what you decide to do. It is a very hard decision. You know we on this site care. (((HUGS)))
That's a good idea Sandye, to
That's a good idea Sandye, to have my DD read his notes and cards. This whole situation is not one I take lightly.
T is a sociopath who will do anything to get what she wants even cheat people and steal their time and labor. She has no consentious (?) that is one, of the many things, that so scares me about her.
I agree with asking DD or
I agree with asking DD or other trusted friend to read the letters and give you a summary. I can see where you don't want to read them--and I think that's healthy. Those letters will give you information and may help in your decision-making process.
Definitely consult with a lawyer about your options and what the future might look like under different scenarios.
Got another letter, looks
Got another letter, looks like a card inside, this morning and threw it in the drawer.
What seems to happen to me is that one of these comes and as I hold it, unopened, I think about opening it but then some Twit incident where he backed her comes into my mind and I just throw it in the drawer.
PTSD is a real thing. Trauma
PTSD is a real thing. Trauma in relationships can have the similar effects as trauma in the battlefield. Flashbacks, avoidance of triggers, distress, anxiety, fear, anger, etc.
It’s no wonder you don’t want to open those letters.
I'm sorry you are dealing
I'm sorry you are dealing with this at your age. For the life of me, I can't understand what this man's weird obsession with his daughter is all about. Seems like anyone with eyes can see that she's toxic.
Anyway, if you are sure this is over, then you may as well just file for divorce.
I agree. Why waste time and
I agree. Why waste time and money with a separation when you can go straight to divorce?
I like the logic, winterglow.
I like the logic, winterglow. As my Grandmother use to say when buying a chicken get one with some meat on it as there was no sense in buying the bones twice.
Divorce. Don't leave legal
Divorce. Don't leave legal ties for Twit to exploit.
I guess my hold back is that
I guess my hold back is that I divorced once, a long, long time back. Always said to myself I would never do that again, yet here I am.
SDM,
SDM,
You are not “here again”. Your STBXDH is the one who is back again at this point. You are launching an exciting new phase of your life.
Don't ever beat yourself up over any of this. You own your happiness. You don’t own STBXDH’s dysfunction nor the dysfunction of his daughter and her tragic family.
Contact an attorney for advice
Contact an attorney for advice. Your son-in-law seems to have lots of good contacts, I'm sure he can find you a good one. There are things you need to take into account like social-security and other retirement issues. An attorney will be able to guide you in the best way to handle things.
Son-in-law is great. He, too
Son-in-law is great. He, too, is teed off by what has been gong on for years. When I am ready he has someone in mind for me to see. SIL made one point, establish residence here before I file so that H has to get a lawyer here as it will make it more difficult for him to try to drag it out or anything else.
Mail them all back to him in
Mail them all back to him in a care package topped with divorce papers... 2 birds one box
I am sad for you that it has
I am sad for you that it has come to this. DH infurates me with his complete lack of clarity regarding T and torturing you to divorce over his insistance on tolerating her at all.
To minimize any risk to you, divorce makes the most sense to me. It completely splits the blanket, protects your resources, and purges your future of any interface with T. She will do her best to gain her father's assets upon his demise so it makes sense to be far past that relationship when that occurs. Leave T to her sibs to deal with.
Just make sure you are okay regardless of what you choose.
Big (((Hugs))).
It sounds like it's over and
It sounds like it's over and DH chose twit and her drama over your marriage. It's a shame it had to come to this but in the end we all have to take care of ourselves. Too bad your husband wasn't looking out for the woman he swore to honor and protect. Divorce sucks, I can see why you're hesitant about going through it again. Luckily you have support from dd and sil. Best of luck.
The Letters
Dear SDM, my heart goes out to you. You clearly have loved and do love this man. You have thrown his cards and letters into a drawer - not into the garbage - you didn't burn them. There is still something in you that is hanging on. You need to find out if this thread is worth clinging to. Yes, I agree with the suggestion of your daughter reading them. I think you will already know he will be proclaiming his love for you, but if there is no recognition and rejection of his daughter's behaviour you will have your answer. He will have made his choice. In which case I feel you need to make a clean (divorce) break. You have a good family and a bright and loving future. (((((Hugs)))))
You know, DunWithThem, I don
You know, DunWithThem, I don't know why I just don't throw them out. As you say, perhaps I am just not ready to. I am not tempted to read them at all. As I said, when one comes I look at it and some rememberance of how I was thrown under the bus re Twit comes to mind and in the drawer it goes.
Some of those flashbacks are not pretty, like the one that brought me to this forum 7+ years ago where T got upset with me and ran up here to H telling him I had called her a liar, which I hadn't. Boy did H go ballistic on me. It was terrible. Twit behaved like a child and H humored her, which is what she wanted. That is how she operates, but I didn't know that then.
Why throw the letters and cards in a drawer where you'll be
tempted to read them or have someone else read them? With that comes the possibility of re-engagement. You should throw them away. There is something visual and symbolic in doing so.
I wish you healing as you navigate these tough emotional waters.
Send them all back to him
Send them all back to him unopened along with a letter that states if he contacts you again you'll be seeking a legal injunction against him (or whatever the American equivalent is).