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Disengaging (continued)

Bethany's picture

Hi everyone!

So, it has been quite a while, but I have maintained being disengaged. It isn't easy sometimes. I'm a good-hearted person. My step-grandson just graduated. I did not attend. My husband went alone. In all the years he has been alive, we were NEVER invited ONCE for even a cup of coffee. I have been told I am evil, awful and anything you can imagine. 

Every year, I would put on huge holiday spreads and everyone came. Not once did my older SD even send my son a card....we went out of the way to send thoughtful gifts on birthdays and at Christmas. One summer, I invited SD to come to our house at the ocean. She came, with all her kids, and pretended I did not exist. She then sent thank you notes, from herself and each kid---to my husband--thanking him for inviting them to HIS sea house. I was never mentioned. 

So, DH went to the graduation alone. I feel badly for the grandson, however, I am quite sure he has heard how "evil" I am. My DH is afraid to even discuss this with his daughter for fear she will not speak to him. So, I just let it go.

His ex-wife is very mentally disturbed and, from a very young age, posioned her kids toward me. I wish it coudl be better. But, I lost hope a long time ago. I made the decision to be done and I've stayed away---totally. 

I love not having to deal with the ex's jealous venom. I love not having to deal with the Sks mean remarks or passive-aggresive behavior. But, once you disengage, remember there will be difficult days, especially if you are a loving, kind person and you just want the family to be happy. In the end, the peace is worth it! 



hereiam's picture

Just remember, that to continue to be true to yourself, to be a good person to those who appreciate it, you have to take care of yourself, your own mental health and sanity. It feels wrong sometimes, to disengage, but it's necessary in certain situations, and toxic steps are those situations.

You are doing good.

SacrificialLamb's picture

We are in the same spot. In the future I will only go to funerals to support my DH. I know he wishes there would be some sort of miracle "reconciliation", but he knows how his kids (and his sister) behave.

Now that I have removed myself from the situation, I sometimes find myself forgetting what happened. Then I remind myself of why I just need to stay on the periphery.

sandye21's picture

In times when you are a bit conflicted, when you wonder for a few seconds if disengaging was worth it, when you are alone and everything is strangely quiet, do something you have wanted to do for a very long time.  You deserve this for putting up with all of the B.S. and surviving.   Go shopping and buy a 'present' for yourself.  Read a book.  Watch what you want on TV or a favorite movie.  Go out and have cocktails / wine with friends.  Do something that makes you feel so good that you will want DH to visit the skids and spawn more often.  When DH gets home with pouted lips from sucking up all day to the skids, just smile with the knowledge that you did the right thing.    P.S.  No housework, bookkeeping, etc., allowed!

Kes's picture

"His ex-wife is very mentally disturbed and, from a very young age, posioned her kids toward me. I wish it coudl be better. But, I lost hope a long time ago"

I had exactly the same experience as you, Bethany - I disengaged about 16 yrs ago when my SDs were 6 and 8.  I did not attend SD24's graduation a couple of years ago. I didn't give a stuff about how this would be interpreted - I long ago stopped caring what any of them think of me.  My first loyalty is to me and my own mental wellbeing. 

Bethany's picture

Your supporty here is invaluable. Your wise advce has helped me so very much. I truly believe that this group has helped to save my sanity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm sure the chaos of all this isn't over, but knowing I can come here is such a gift.