You are here

Disengaging from adult stepdaughter to stay sane please read, does it work?

claudefly's picture

Hi all, Im a 46 year unmarried woman living with a man who has three adult daughters. Two of them are really nice and not intimidated by me and living their own lives happily. They like me and I them. The youngest daughter who is 28 started off liking me and I tried really hard to be friendly and kind and mostly succeeded. The man I live with is ten years older than me and has a history of alchoholism and depression so Im guessing their family lives would not have been very happy back then. Most alcoholics create anxiety and worry for their children, mostly its not a very happy house in my experience.

Anyway, he mostly stays sober but last year after three years of drinking that was mostly in control, over about 6-10 months it spiralled out of control and he went into private rehab and dried out. I drink alcohol but not regularly so Im not an addict.

Anyway, it was pretty traumatic as he had to get arrested before he went into the hospital mostly for being an arsehole while drunk. Most people are arseholes when they are drunk. I had to tell his daughters he was in hospital and I thought they would want to know. But they didn't want to know. They were angry for being told and were angry with me. His entire family just didn't want to know about it and were angry with me for telling them. I think it was just too hard for them to deal with. So I dealt with it on my own with my friends and family. He was arrested for harassing me for 48 hours drunk.

That was a year ago and he still attends hospital rehab every week. Since then, the youngest daughter wont speak to me or look at me or acknowledge anything I say unless she cant escape it. She is rude and angry and puts my ideas down. She makes jokes that I should be bashed and have violence upon me. She thinks its a joke but it hurts my feelings.

Also, I have been very unwell from meningitis three years ago and had to stop work and go into hospital off and on. I am getting better but I am a vulnerable person who has been critically unwell so I don't need jokes about being bashed. Also, I am actually committed to peace in my life and from that I will not waver.

So after a year of this from the girl, I have decided that I don't want to see her anymore. I wish her no harm and I really want him and her to be happy and see each other. I have decided rather than conflict, I want to be left out of it. He is trying to work out what that means and has accepted I don't want to see her anymore. She is having a baby now and he will need to spend more time with her which I think is a good thing. He has to let me do it this way because he has fear of confronting her and doesn't know how to talk to her about this as she is quite aggressive angry person.

I did be nice to her and friendly and gave her some things I made last time I saw her. She ignored me and left them behind at a house. I realized I was playing a weird dynamic, where I try to appeal to her and her game is to ignore it. Its a game. Thats when I realized I have to pull out.

I told him I was happy to tell her why I didnt want to be involved anymore if she would like to know. The reason is, in the past during my family life as a teenager and young woman, I was ignored and ostrasized by my father and stepmother. My real mum died of cancer when I was a child. Me and my biological sister grew up in an apartment in the back of the house from 14 and 15 years onwards on our own. My own family left the city and moved away when I was 17 and me and my sister lived alone in the city for years and years and relied on each other. My mums family lived 2000km away. I had a lonely and yet interesting time during this period.
I made lots of friends and they were my family.

So, having been made an outsider before, its had a deep effect on me. I have often felt uncomfortable around normal happy families as I have never felt that was something I could be part of. I have just not had that experience as a young person. consequently, I have made lots of progress and accepted my dad and stepmother and her kids. I have had the hard conversations with them, told them what it meant to me to be alone, and apologised for being mean as a teenager. We have made our peace. We are all friends with each other. I will never be a really valued member of my fathers second family, but I am ok with this. You see, I have overcome it.
So that's the past, the outsider, the other, the ostrasized people. And I have made my peace with these people, gotten over it and its in the past. The scars run deep but that's life.

What I will not do, is let a new person in who is determined to 'other'me, who is going to start it all up and again and ignore me and be determined to act like I'm nothing. That part of my life is gone forever and its never coming back. And if anyone ANYONE wants to reintroduce that element into my life, then I am walking away. I don't want revenge, I don't want to engage, I don't want to fix it and stress out. I just want to walk peacefully away and be with people who are cool. Who are kind and committed to spiritual life. Who know that life's short. Don't create dramas you don't need. That thing about ignoring people is my Achilles heel. Its one thing that will upset me. That and bullying. My close sister who I experienced my younger life with is dead. She died of cancer five years ago and I just dont have the heart to fight the fight with this bitchy step daughter anymore. Six years ago I may have bought the fight to her door, but without my sister as support I cannot spend the energy. I am wise, and I know not to.

So he can go and see his daughter whenever he likes, she can come here whenever she likes. I just don't want to be here and I am very happy to vacate. If you haven't guessed, I am an adventurous person who can be on my own and rarely bored.

Me and a friend plan to walk to base camp MT Everest Nepal the month the daughters baby is due. We'd planned it before she got pregnant. My partner wants ME to be here when she has the baby so I can share the ...ummm..joy? I said no. He doesnt want me to go. I feel I am allowed to go for three weeks. This could be war.

I just dont see why someone who doenst like me can prevent me from going on an adventure to MT Everest? WTF?

We are meant to be getting married at some point, me and him. Ive been delaying it because Im not sure I want to be legally connected to someone like her. I think I should stay free. I still love him (I think) but this shit sure makes me reflect on the relationship with him and go...'hmmmm how much is this worth to me?'
What does anyone think?

Have you people had to disengage for your own sanity and if so, how did it go?Does it work? Can you keep the relationship with a man alive with this highly compartmentalised life?

susan63's picture

Hello claudefly, I'm so sorry hear about this immature, nasty, girls decision to treat you badly. You sound like a lovely woman, and you certainly don't deserve it. It sounds like you have some doubt and mixed feelings about this man. I wouldn't make anything permanent at this point. Go on your trip and enjoy. If he gets angry, or starts drinking, (I am a nurse & have worked in detox, it doesn't take much to set an alcoholic to justify getting drunk, then blaming others for stressing them out) then maybe you should do an about face. Life is too short, as you said. The grief my adult stepsons have caused me and my husband the past 8 years has taken a toll. If I could go back in time, I would RUN, not walk away. Good luck, Susan

claudefly's picture

Hi thanks for kind reply. Yes I know what you mean about running away. Dear god when you look back on it you just think 'Why???" So yeah, I am going on the trip and I have no wedding planned. Thanks a lot, it sounds like you have been through a lot with it too so I know you are speaking from experience.

sandye21's picture

I agree with Susan. Maybe rethink your future with the man you live with. It sounds as if he is as toxic as his daughter. You can not trust this man to stay sober. I've found that alcoholics are quite selfish. They don't always consider the feelings of others or how their bad choices impact the lives of those who are close to them. It appears he knows why you don't want to be around SD anymore yet he wants you to stay home from a trip you have planned to be with him when his grandchild is born. He is doing just what your family did - discrediting your personal value, treating you as if your feelings and welfare are worthless. He does not love you enough to want what is best for you.

Maybe think about going to a counselor and find out why you are attracted to a man who offers so little.

claudefly's picture

Hi and thanks for your message. Yeah he can be just as toxic at times too. Often he's very nice but he is weak. But I am however, strong. So I am taking your advice and going to Kathmandu and Mt Everest!!!! Its so exciting and thanks for your honesty. I prob should do more therapy as to why I am with him. Nothing twenty more years of therapy wont fix hey. Most of the time we are happy together. We like each other. But bitch daughter makes you dislike people hey. I think they have absolute potential to ruin a relationship even by proxy.So yeah there is work to do. But first.....Mt Everest awaits.

SecondGeneration's picture

You are strong, but be careful to make sure that you dont end up staying with this man in attempt to save him.
One of the harshest lessons with addicts is that ultimately they can only help themselves. You can support, advise and suffer along side them until you are blue in the face but unless they want to help themselves nothing will ever change.

You are perfectly within your right to make it clear you want no further contact with this woman, because thats what she is, she is not a child, you are not bound by social/ethical morals to entertain either of them. End of the day we meet people in this world that we get on with and we meet others we do not. Choosing to remove that person rather than engaging in high school bullying antics is far more mature.

You go and enjoy your adventure, if she pops the baby whilst you are gone you will be informed.

claudefly's picture

thankyou Threestrikes thanks for the excellent reply and for the info on the base camp hike. Yes we will need to be really fit. I will not keep going if the headaches overwhelming. I love Nepal so much that I would be happy wandering around at a lower altitude also. Previously I went to the national parks in Nepal and saw rare rhinos so happy to doing those things too.

My dads second wife was in my life after my mum died as a child. I loved her so much when she turned up in my life so it was different for me. We fought as teenagers as she was very hopeless at managing her relationships. Later on found out she had Post traumatic stress disorder from being a child abuse victim herself and thats why she as so emotionally hopeless. Once I understood I forgave her and we aired our stuff and moved on. Thats why I know these relationships can work. But, I have a large amount of empathy and understanding and usually more than most people so that gives me the intelligence to work through conflict.
Ive realised that the reason I have lots of friends and people want me in their life is because I understand empathy and can commiserate with peoples frailties and sadness and madness.

This is a powerful tool of self awareness and I am aware of how much I am worth. Im not afraid to have personal boundaries. I just dont know If I can live with other people in my life who do not. This is the decision I face. I cannot believe how many of us are on this website!!! Theres soo many of us suffereing the same shit.

Merry's picture

Boundaries. You are establishing YOUR boundaries. Nobody else has to like them. But it's what YOU need to feel sane and safe. If your SO or his toxic daughter can't respect your boundaries, that is their problem. Could lead to the demise of your relationship with him, but who wants to be with a jerk who doesn't respect what you need on a very basic level?

(Enjoy your trip!)

claudefly's picture

Dear Merry, I liked your reply about boundaries and that people don't need to like it. And yes, this could be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I can see it too. So the decision now is not whether my partner can fix the situation, or whether his daughter can behave like a human being. The decision is, can I live my life compartmentalized? Can I live without it being a whole life? Where one area of my life is out of bounds? Separate? I don't know if I can. But I will give it a try for a few months and then decide. If I make the decision now it would not be a very good and tested decision.

claudefly's picture

Yeah best way not to ruin relationships with step families is don't have a relationship. I am a bit naive and want to think that we can all be friends and it will be ok. That it doesn't have to be a drama, we can be friendly and get on and be kind and help each other. But in fact, its not always reciprocal. Its accepting that this is the truth that's hard. You know what, sometimes it works. There are some step families who like each other and can deal with their stuff without making others feel bad. It does happen. But they have to be pretty realised people with good sense of self and excellent emotional skills. Bit rare.

AVR1962's picture

You obviously are very attached to this man but as an outsider looking in, I would highly suggest you giving serious thought to whether it is in your best interest to stay with this man. Getting involved with a person with known drinking problems can continue to be a life long issue, a roller coaster so-to-speak, and it is no fun to be a part of. It's hard to say what the youngest issues are but if associated with her father's drinking it might be that she sees you as an enabler and feels you are only assisting in making the issue worse, hard to say without sitting down and talking to this person. For many many years I thought all a person would have to do is make the alcoholic aware of the problem and the problem would stop, I was naive. Alcoholism is a true addiction and it effects those that associate with the alcoholic, much like you seem to be aware of.

If you choose to stay with this man, I would limit the contact with the youngest. You do seem to be a target for her for some reason and as long as she hold anger for you it will not be possible to have a relationship with her.