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Did I go too far?

joan mary's picture

Did I go too Far??

I have posted a few times here about the “princess”, sd32 and my disengagement from her and her two kids. This holiday weekend the three of them came to visit at DH’s insistent. He is always happy to see them. The princess has expressed that she views coming to our home as a vacation. It certainly is not a vacation for me!

She arrives and proceeds to sit on the couch and read her book for most of the weekend. She did bring a few treats and special items for her kids, sgd10 and sgs5 but that was it. For the first evening she helped make a salad for dinner and helped do some dishes. Other than that, she sat. She did not make her kids breakfast or lunch, watch them were they went, clean up after them, or put them to bed. I went to bed first every night and it was always after 10. She did not get up with the 5 year old because she wanted to sleep in. Of course the princess had to talk about what a terrible mother her bio sister is and how her kids are so neglected. DH agreed with her despite the fact that he was watching the princess’s kids. As the weekend went on I was more and more withdrawn and cold.

The 10 year old was very good but the 5 year old was a typical for a kid allowed to run wild. He tracked in dirt, left the screen door open, broke the branches on the apple tree, tried to catch the cat, grabbed the dog from behind, left food all over the house, tried to wrestle with his older sister in the living room, and interrupted adult conversation so he could tell them how smart he was. I could deal with all of that if the princess would have ever corrected him but it was pretty much a free for all. I grit my teeth and tried to keep my mouth shut and hid the dog in my bedroom. The cat has claws and he can fend for himself.

The final straw was meal time. I watched the 5 year old eat everything with his fingers all weekend long. Mashed potatoes and baked chicken one dinner was pretty gross. By the time we got to our last dinner we had scalloped potatoes and pork chops and he ate both with his fingers and then started licking the corn from a bowl. I lost it and asked him if he knew how to eat with a fork. He said yes, but he did not want too. The princess proceeds to slap him on the back of the head! This is the good mother!?!? Does DH say anything to her? Of course not! The 5 year old tries to argue and she whaps him again?!?!? Then she makes me the bad guy by saying Grandma wants you to eat with a fork. Does she not care that her kids is licking the corn out of a bowl?

After dinner they pack up and head out and DH lets me have it for being so rude to her and the kids. It was a knock down yelling fest like we have not had in a decade. I finally told him that he shows favoritism by accepting her lack of parenting and back stabbing his other daughter over her parenting. I am also unhappy that I know she bad mouths me in front of the kids. How do I know this? First because the other daughter told me she does it plus she badmouths everyone else in front of her kids so why should it be any different with me. If she is not worshiped as the princess she knows she is then she is not happy.

Next visit that he plans with her and I will be out of town visiting my daughter or my son. And I am taking my checkbook with me!!!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

My sarcasm would have gotten me in trouble ~ I would have held up a fork n say do you know what this is ??? It is called a fork ~ it is a utensil used for eating ~ in this house we act like humans you were not raised by wolves ( or were you)

If you can't use the fork ~ let me put the plate on the floor for ya sparky.

Merry's picture

No, you didn't go too far. You just waited too long. Seriously. I have been known to correct table manners when guests are being gross. "We use forks in this house" was all I had to say when a child was eating pancakes and syrup with her hands. Her parents should have been humiliated but they were happy that they didn't have to pay attention to their child I guess. This was long before I even met DH so not a step issue, but it was one of my best girlfriends. Still grosses me out.

Poodle's picture

The row was needed. Don't spend time with this woman and her kids again or you will somehow be implicated in the kids' minds with the neglect and abuse they are going through. Poor little things. Horrible.

Orange County Ca's picture

Vegas is a good destination. Bad time of year though unless you like staying and indoors. I guess its hot everywhere except here in LA and San Francisco. NYC is great for the plays and of course Branson which I've avoided but if you like country music. I heard its pretty touristy with lots of tourist traps and large crowds.

I'd make the trip worthwhile by being away for a week or longer.

IslandGal's picture

Your hubby is an enabler. He's not doing his daughter or his grandkids any favours by allowing that awful type of parenting. What a twit!

Absolutely go away next time they visit. Hell, book yourself into a motel for the entire weekend and charge it to your DH's credit card.

I applaud your patience with them all - trust me, that bowl would've been flung at her goddamn head if that was in my house.

stephag's picture

You should have followed up with smack in the back of the head to princess for not teaching her spawn manners and DH for creating princess.

ChiefGrownup's picture


I couldn't take ANY of this in my house from a grown adult or a small child. You can take control of a small child the minute they cross your threshold if their parents are not doing it. And adults are GUESTS that you can speak to like an adult at all times and should, including manners and responsibilities.

It's the half grown tweens and teens that are difficult if their parents are not taking control.

From what you describe if I or my DH had not got them under control within the first 24 hours, I would have handed her the addresses of a few local hotels and tell her she can have things her own way all she wants under a roof she is paying for. THIS one is MY house and such things do NOT go on here.

If your solution is to leave next time, I beg you to take the pets with you or have them boarded.

joan mary's picture

Yes, the real problem is dh. He does not see her behavior as it really is. He puts on his rose colored glasses when she is involved. The slap on the head of the 5 year old did it for me. If any other of our kids had does that to a child it would gave been war. DH did not even comment. I was too stunned to react as I should have.

ChiefGrownup's picture

"...too stunned to react as I should."

How many times have I been in that place? Countless. You just can't picture parents behaving a certain way or letting their kids do so. It's like you stand there blinking -- "what did I just see? did that really happen?"

Then you stare at the parents thinking, "surely they are going to do something," "wait a minute, maybe they are having a stroke and are incapacitated?" "what the hell are they thinking?" "what the- what the- what the!?!?!"

Been in that moment so many times since falling into steplife.

IWO's picture

No you did not. I have similar problem - had major falling out with one sd aged 35 whose parenting skills are questionable. I have been in her father's life she 18 and when I first met her I liked her immediately, but sadly over the years she has proved to be an extremely disingenuous person. At first I used to take everything in that she said, but soon realised yhat things didn't add up. Much of what she said was either down right lying or delusionall. However, her eldest child, almost 6 was quite frankly - and I feel bad for saying this abouta child, a little brat. He would come in the house scowlingand virtually run wild and kick up one heck of a noise if couldn't get his own way. SD bribed him with what she called 'toys, sweets and cakes. She get really angry and yell at him saying why do you hate mummy, and you be good or you won't get 'your special, special treat' - usually some toy or other. Of course he aways got it! Another thing she would arrive for lunch and bring her chocolate cake, but then say he's had a pack of chocolate buttons and other things. Then she would moan at him to eat his food. Otherwise no dessert again he still got dessert regardless. She would also spoon feed him up yo at least 4. Alongside this he would jump and scramble all over our furniture and bully my bio grandson, almost 2 years younger when he thought we weren't looking and my bio grandson is not of that nature so never pushed back. Of course, I could not watch this behaviour, my children were taught to respect other people and their homes, as are my bio grandchildren - so I simply had to intervene by saying something along the lines of 'please don't do that'. I lived in Canada for some years where not taking one s shoes off when visiting is considered impolite. I can see the sense of this as can my bio daughter, every one knows this including my 2 year old bio granddaughter, who does it without prompting.

sorry this is so long I will continue later. But at end of day not respecting you and your home and wishes is wrong!