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DH's Adult SD Might Move In!!

chibby33's picture

I really need good sound advice! My fiance's 22-yo SD and her baby are still living with him. I'm not fond of her because she's disrespectful and immature. We're to be married in August, but yesterday he mentioned to me that he offered his SD to move in with us when we find our new home if she can't afford her own place! There's no reason for her not to afford an apartment since fiance doesn't make her pay rent in his house so she can save $$. I told him we're not getting married until his SD signs a lease to her own apartment. What should I do? Please help me!

sandye21's picture

Do NOT let her move in. You are right to tell FDH you will not marry him unless she gets an apartment of her own. If he can not agree to this, you will have an idea of what he will be like when you are married - and believe me, you don't want it. If he DOES agree to it, make sure her understands that the marriage is to be first priority for both of you. She is 22, an adult, not attending school. There is no good reason for her to be living in your home.

herewegoagain's picture

Don't get married and do not move in until she is gone. No way! If you do, it won't take you long to be kicking yourself in the A$$ for not listening Smile

PS - if you decide to move in, remember you will soon after be expected to baby sit and help with the grandkid...did I say, don't move in?

Grace2256's picture

I agree with you herewegoagain even if she'll go away she'll comeback for sure to make your life to hell.

planningMyEscape's picture

Wow!! I can't believe he'd offer to let her move in with YOU and him without talking to you about it first!!! NO WAY would I let that happen!!

chibby33's picture

Lol my grandma just said something funny but surely makes sense! She said if I allow FDH's SD to move in, I might as well pick up a rock and bash my head with it! Oh the old and the wise!

Grace2256's picture

Absolutely true, let's believe in our grandmas they know better than we do. They have have been there and we're still on the way to where they have been.

All work no respect's picture

Hi. I like what you said but I'm in a rut and might be able to use your advice. I am posting about my SD14 who lives with me and DH 100%, but there are two others. SD23 and SD20. Both lived with us 100% until recently. SD23 just announced that she is pregnant, 5 mos. after a rushed wedding, selfish, rude and overall disgusting behavior. DH has not been talking to her for about 3 weeks due to her "screwing us over" and basically calling ME a thief. The BM is not in the picture, except as SD23/20's friend. I have no children of my own and am only 11 years older than SD23. I feel broken. From college costs of both, soon to be all three, to paying for everything from 18-22 for SD23, rudeness, lack of respect, no child support for any of them, ever... I feel like giving up and not playing mom anymore. They don't respect me, they use me up for what I'll give them. Just like BM. Do you have any advice? Thanks.

sandye21's picture

You do not owe it to anyone to 'play' Mom. DH should tell them they will not enter your home unless they can treat you with the respect deserving of his wife. If he will not do this (like mine), you will need to tell them and tell DH you will not be welcoming them into your home, will not discuss them wiht him, will not buy presents for them, they do not exist for you - until your stipulations are met. It's seems that this is the only way to get the point across, and it is truly sad. It would be so much easier if DHs would take on what is really their responsibility.

chibby33's picture

THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL for your assurance and bountiful advice! I am so thrilled to know my feelings about this issue are justified. I will read your comments again and again for affirmation.

What was my reaction when FDH told me his invitation to SD?? Absolutely stunned! I was cooking when I stopped moving for a while then I said, "you need to cut that umbilical cord that's been attached to her and stop being her safety net all the time! You're always an option if things get a little hard for her! Make no mistake that THIS will be your problem, not mine. My decision is firm, we're only getting married if I see her name on an apartment lease." I hope he got the message.

History: She and her sister were from another country. FDH married their mom for US papers; that didnt work out. She stole from him and when he threw wifey out, the 2 girls wanted to stay with him. So he legally adopted them. They both still live with him. The older of the 2 has signed up to join the Navy and will be gone in June. I like her, she's smart and dependable. This "other" SD is the issue. She used to live with the baby's father's family but that didnt work out. She kept complaining about the mother. I told her not to expect to be the queen of the bf's house. So she was kicked out. And so now she's been living with my FDH for a year...rent free.

I am just so happy that I have my own house and in full control of who can live in it. I have a 13-yo from a previous marriage and she is sooo different from the SD. DD is very gracious, respectful, and focuses on getting in a good school. She doesnt want to be around SD.

Maxesmommy's picture

NO NO NO NO NO~~~ DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, mine let his move in with us, she completely went crazy on me with disrespect, I finally told her she had to go, she proceeded to call her father, tell him I was a complete b word, told every female secret I ever told her in confidence, then took a picture of myself and my BS and stabbed a knife through my face into the wall by my bedroom. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!

novemberm's picture

The wedding needs to be put on hold, bc you will wind up divorced if she moves in. First of all, you already know what she is like. Secondly, you are going to be newlyweds, and having his adult daughter there is ridiculous.

My FDH and I are getting married in July. Before he proposed, I told him that under no circumstances are any of his adult kids moving in with us. 2 have already tried it, and he was really feeling bad about saying no, but he admitted to me that it would destroy us. They are horrible people, and it would have not been possible to live with them.

Good luck, and stand your ground.

chibby33's picture

Good news to all. FDH and I had a very serious talk Saturday night and things were laid out and addressed. FDH told me that if only his inherited SKIDS (Japanese) had their soc. sec. numbers when they were 18, they would have already moved out. That's how he and his brothers were raised, and that’s how it’s going to be. His SKIDS got an apartment together 2 years ago but had to use FDH’s name and social security on the lease. After a year, he didn’t want them to use his information anymore so they both had to move back in.

FDH said the only time his SD will be moving in with us would be in "EXTREME" measures – he doesn’t know yet what that means but I told him it’s when the homeless shelters are full and can’t take her in that WEEK. I also made clear that I need to be in involved in decisions FIRST before anybody else - he understood and apologized.

Ok, this may be another topic but I am sooo annoyed with his SD22. Case in point:

1. She failed her driving test twice already. Yesterday afternoon, FDH had to pick her up from work when we’re supposed to be spending time together.
2. At night around 10pm, FDH and I could be talking or relaxing in his bedroom and here comes SD22 with her baby knocking on the door to talk. Now FDH and I only get together weekends, and here she comes taking over the conversation, and her toddler jumping on the bed, etc. Same thing when I’m on the phone with him on weekdays, we’d be in a middle of a story when I hear her knocking and talking to him. ANNOYING!
3. SD22 has a smart mouth. Each time FDH or her sister says something, she always has a smart comment, trying to be funny but I am certainly not amused and I find it very disrespectful. Good example, yesterday when I came back to the living room, SD22 has already taken my seat. No big deal. FDH flirtingly offered that I sit on his lap…he was being cute, nice, whatever. Anyway, SD22 tried to be funny AGAIN and told her dad “you’re such a pervert!” Now my DD13 was there so I firmly told SD22, “Watch what you say! That’s not funny and it sure isn’t ok!” Everyone was quiet...FDH knows my standards will not be compromised.

Am I being petty? Or maybe I was just raised differently? My mother told me not to assume everyone was raised the way my siblings and I were, but I can't help being annoyed!

Chibby

sandye21's picture

"Am I being petty?" No. You SD is 'competing' with you for DH's attention. If you two have a special together time, she should know - and told there will be no interuptions unless it is an extreme emergency. Good you set limits before the marriage and let him know there would be consequences.

Grace2256's picture

Don't marry your bf, think deeply what you're getting into. Find another guy who has no children, Smile Smile

hippiegirl's picture

Nice of him to talk to you about it first. This should be a clue as to what marriage with him will be like. Him offering your personal space to to others behind your back. Nice. Do not give in on this one. Adult skids all up in your shit & wrecking your home is no fun.

old-blue-eyes's picture

DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN (you will not have much privacy) You will not only be living with an immature sd but also a crying baby plus possibly be a babysitter to her baby. Is that a way to start your newly wed marriage? Big time trouble will be on its way! Think twice and tell husband that you are sticking to your guns. You are unhappy with HIS decision and sd is going along with this BS...His daughter is capable of taking care of her own & not you. If he doesn't like your choice get out of the relationship, this spells trouble down the road if his luggage comes with him especially living under one roof.

Sounds like your future husband is not being very considerate to you...