DH wonders why I wouldn't tell him
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At the last DH family reunion, While saying our final goodbyes, DH's brother swooped in, landed a kiss smack on my lips, and grabbed my ass. I went straight to my counselor upon returning home and discussed why I would not tell DH about this: because I have learned via the way he has defended his kids' assault behavior towards me that I will only be thrown under the bus.
So with everything in the news, I recently told him what happened. He could not understand why I did not tell him right away. When I tried to explain, he got angry and yelled about how his relationship with his dayghter had nothing to do with anything.
Just venting. Also really sad this morning.
oh Hon..... grow a thick
oh Hon..... grow a thick skin, next time BIL grabs you ass, say loud and proud - you pervert I'm not your wife stop grabbing my ass...... or slap the shit out of him. Be rude hold up your hands and push him away before he can kiss or grab....
DH is right you know - it's one thing for his brother to grab your ass, he would've done something about it and protected you, but when it comes to their precious kids, you can say nothing...now you made it about the kids, he got stug on that and not on the fact that his brother is a pervert... men are not capable of dealing with 2 issues... they only hear the last one and works from there
My ass isn't what is was 15
My ass isn't what is was 15 years ago. My DH seems to like it for some insane reason.
I do understand what you are
I do understand what you are saying here, especially if you are used to your husband denying the obvious when it comes to his kids. You may be seeing a pattern of behavior here and though it was not about his kids this time, it probably usually is-my thinking anyway. You may have the same kind of husband as me. He does not enjoy conflict, so he would rather not believe me--or at least tries to divert my thinking, (even when he knows the truth), and it does not matter with whom, kids or anybody else. I learned long ago to not rely on him for support when I have negative feelings about anything; I keep it to myself, find places to support me like this one, though I used to think he was a horrible person and though it still makes me sick, I only count on ME to defend ME. I stay away from anybody he will not support me and fully disengage with them--he eventually gets the message with me never saying one word. I am never disappointed now-- because I accepted he will not rescue me and it is ME who protects ME; and, I can count on ME.
For me, this is the only approach that works with men who are doormats to everybody, but us.
Thank you. You are completely
Thank you. You are completely correct. This is Day 1.
Yeah, I was totally confused
Yeah, I was totally confused on the whole news thing.
Ah, the light bulb goes on.
Ah, the light bulb goes on.
Thank you. I never thought of
Thank you. I never thought of things from this perspective...
Thanks...I see what you are
Thanks...I see what you are saying. This is what I tried with SD at the start of this...going directly to her and telling her to stay out of my marriage. I still have the tire tracks on my back from where DH threw me under the bus and let her drive it back and forth a couple of times.
So, a direct approach didn't seem quite right.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Seriously - WTF is wrong with
Seriously - WTF is wrong with people? If any of my uncles had tried that crap, there would have been a line forming to beat the crap out of them. Grandma would have used a frying pan. Any of my brothers or cousins tried groping a girl against her will, same thing. I remember overhearing part of the "talk" my dad had with my brothers. It was made very clear that the girls are treated honorably. There was no 'or else' on that sentence because Dad didn't want to limit his options.
As to your DH's reaction - He may have been caught off-guard and reacted defensively. I'm not saying it was a good reaction or that it didn't prove your point. Maybe try and talk about it now that some time has passed. Point out that his kids were not involved in the groping event, but your expectation of DH's behavior when you are hurt is based on how he reacted when the kids hurt you. Meaning that you feel like he will defend his blood before he defends you.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your insights. I'm older (well past the age where I thought this would happen). The first time this happened I was in my 20s, and my boss at a major corporation grabbed my ass. I reported it ti HR, and was let go shortly thereafter despite glowing reviews.
In this case, at least one of DH's other brothers saw what happened. However the one thing that was made very clear at this reunion was a family dynamic of "we stick together, everything is someone else's fault, discard anyone who gets in the way or tries to cross any of us." As an example, his sister told me how her 2 stepkids are wreaking havoc in her life and marriage. In her next breath she reamed me for being so mean to her poor neice (my SD).
So, given all this, it seemed a better strategy to just get the heck outta there as fast as possible.
DH assured me that he will "deal with it" whatever that means. He is so secretive that I will probably never know how. But two things I'm pretty sure about:
1. He will throw me under the bus for his DD, but possibly not his brother.
2. If he confronts his brother, it will spread through his family like a wildfire and there will probably be a pretty good sh*tstorm as a result.
Sammi, pop me some of your popcorn...
My DH is not confrontational
My DH is not confrontational either. It used to really hurt me. There were several instances where he threw me under the bus instead of defending me when it was more than justified. After so many years of this, I made an agreement with him: He has the choice of supporting me or keeping quiet when I have to defend myself. If SD decides to be mutually respectful and return to my life, this agreement will apply to her too.
What is done, is done. From
What is done, is done.
From now on take care of any situation yourself. I would have an earnest conversation with your DH and let him know you will no longer be involving him either with his kids, brother, or anyone else. Tell him you are giving him a heads up that you will handle your own problems and not involve him; so if he gets complaints he can just get in line with everyone else that has a complaint.
This is what I did. It works. I absolutely detest the problems I have let develop, because I thought my DH was going to defend me in any way; he didn't, he doesn't, and he won't. So the past year I have taken the reins and am driving my own destiny.
DH still just sits there and ignores, but he does notice I will not tolerate any disrespect any longer from his Princess, SD56. She has been told and I will tell her again.
I understand your frustration and feeling of "no support". But it is what it is. Take care of yourself, because obviously your DH is blinded.
(((hugs)))
^^^This!!^^^ Same with my
^^^This!!^^^ Same with my DH. He refused to defend me to SD or anyone else so I had no choice but to defend myself if needed. Have to say it did make me lose a bit of respect for DH but he no longer gets in the way if I have to take up for myself. One thing though, if your BIL feels free to grope you, the odds are he thinks it is OK to do it to someone else. Some day he is going to suffer the consequences of his actions. Until that happens, treat him like the slime he is and don't allow him near to you.
I have the same kind of
I have the same kind of husband as Sandye and Sammi; mine feels a need to liked by everybody so much that he is walked over and does not even realize it, or at least he claims. When it comes to his kids he would NEVER correct any one of them for anything they say or do and that is why they lead the lives they do.....LOL.
I do not count on him defending me ever, I have accepted it; (though it still disgusts me), I used to be disappointed; that has changed for me now, after I finally accepted what I did not want to accept. I defend myself. I stay away from situations and I cannot tell you how much happier I am than I used to be.