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DH won’t respect my wishes to disengage

Popstar's picture


I am so upset after having a massive row with DH. Basically I have been trying to disengage because despite my best efforts neither SDs want a relationship with me.

Today we’ve had a massive row DH said that he doesn’t tell me anything about kids because I have been nasty towards them. I asked him what he meant by this and he couldn’t tell me!  All I can think of is that I have said YSD at 23 should be doing a full time job and not a part time one. I also said in the argument that neither of them want a relationship with me anyway to which he ignores!! 

I also find it difficult because they have always been completely monopolised by the mother so aren’t in our lives often apart from when they need something from DH. Money usually with the youngest and to now spend time with him because she hasn’t got a boyfriend.

I am beside myself, upset and angry thinking that I really don’t want to see them at all now as he has caused all this trouble. Worrying how the hell my marriage will survive if I refuse see them? Will I have to spend the rest of my life having to pretend that I am happy in their company just to keep the piece?

I am also heartbroken because he refused to have kids with me saying that he didn't really want them in the first place but here he is now father of the year!!

Any advice please would be much appreciated thank youxx





tog redux's picture

Well, in regard to your title, he has no choice if you disengage. That might look different for everyone. For me, I am civil and pleasant to my SS21, but I don't have much of a relationship with him.  I do talk with DH about him, but DH and I feel similarly about SS, and DH doesn't give him any money.

I'd suggest you not bring up your SDs anymore, and if DH mentions them, say, "oh, that's nice," or whatever.  Don't make suggestions about what she should do, etc.

As to the money, if some of it is money that you bring into the home, then you do get a say in whether he gives it to her. You also get a say if DH is spending money that takes away from your household's needs.  So if you are working, you can separate your money from his and then insist that he ensures all household needs are met (including retirement, vacations, repairs and renovations, etc) before he spends money on SD.  Then it's not about SD or what kind of father he is or isn't, but about your needs as a couple.

sandye21's picture

It sounds like your DH is calling all of the shots to his benefit without any consideration about how this effects you.

I went through this for years with exDH and his daughter.  There was a double standard when it came to money.  SD didn't want much to do with me, and DH catered to her every wish using our joint funds.  She never said thank you to me - she must have thought DH had paid for everything because, with my money he played the 'Big Man'.  Finally I said, "You pay for your family and I will pay for mine.  Boy!  Things changed!

After one of her tantrums, exDH ran out the door as to not show support for me.  I told him I didn't want SD in my home anymore.  I wouldn't talk to him about her and if he brought her up I would say, "Hmmm" and leave it at that.  But the sad fact is, that DH was not that much into the marriage in the first place.

Ask yourself if you are getting the personal support from your DH that you deserve as a wife. 

shellpell's picture

Leave and find someone who wants to have kids with you. This guy sounds like a class A JERK.

Kaylee's picture

The comment OP made about how when the princess doesn't have a boyfriend she wants to "spend time with Daddy" really resonated with me.

That was ex SD to a tee. Her own sister told me "X doesn't give a Fu#k about spending time with Dad when she has a boyfriend"

However, as all ofher relationships were short lived, when they would finish she would be back demanding Daddy spend time with her "just us doing things together"

So pathetic.

JRI's picture

I agree with Tog that disengagement can look various ways.  I'm 76 and after almost 50 years, my disengagement looks like this: 

SD60: high maintenance, dependent druggie who has caused untold trouble between us.  I'm civil and polite when I must see her.  I dont ask about her and only seldom comment when DH mentions her.  She is the reason we separated finances so now if he spends on her, it's coming out of his $, not the household $.

SS58:  a sweet person, my fave SK.  We discuss him freely and I'm always glad to see or hear from him.

YSS54:  I disengaged when he was a teenager when neither he nor DH would listen to me about his misbehavior.    Nowadays, I think we have a mutually respectful relationship altho we aren't close.  I dont ask about him and seldom comment.

So, in short, it can take various forms.  In your case, I wouldn't discuss it with DH.  Be civil and polite if you must see them.  Don't comment and don't ask questions.  Be very aware of your finances ( I check my charge and bank balances daily).  Good luck.


shamds's picture

Have for his kids or criticism of their unacceptable behaviour, that was his problem and upto him to address. You can't expect someone with no biological relationship to warm up and wanna spend time with toxic ferals. Thats not the way it works

he lied to you about having kids. Typical bait and switch. seek an annulment as marriage onnfalse pretenses!! No way i would ever allow this

one of my husbands coworkers wanted to marry a young woman but never wanted kids. My husband was asked by company ceo to talk to this bloke. My husband said pass, you just can't as a man, marry a young woman of childbearing age and demand she agree to never have kids, its selfish.

op husband lied to her about never wanting kids until after they were married. This is a dealbreaker. 

** OP, find yourself a real man that wants to have kids, don't waste your time on this man and his failed breeding experiment!!**

ybarra357's picture

'DH won’t respect my wishes to disengage'

Haha!! That's rich.  As if he has a choice?  This guy is a creep and a dolt.  He LIED to you about wanting kids.  Tell me, why you are still with him?  Please don't say that you looovvee him.

Stepdrama2020's picture

My ex DH did the old changaroo about wanting kids. I was dang devastated, at the time. Although its too late for me to have kids I am stoked it wasnt with ex POSface. That would have joined us forever.

Like yours, my ex worshipped the snotty ass of SD, gave money that was OURS to the bitch. All the while she ignored and ridiculed me. Ex DH could not understand why I wanted nothing to do with the spoiled snot.

We divorced, and I am living the dream compared to the clusterfluck of a nightmare.

Find someone who values you, loves you, and have children before its too late. Dont live with regrets, and worse dont live with this shitstorm step life.

bertieb's picture

I don't think you have to pretend to be happy, just not show your displeasure, much like if you were at work with people you don't have any interest in. You can't change the fact he has children and now takes an interest in them. I'm sorry that you didn't get to have them with him though. Be like most of the world and just spend time in your phone when they are around. I don't give opinions much about what my step kids do unless I know it's the same as DH's. I see a therapist once a month to vent. It gets it off my chest somewhat and doesn't cause issues at home. Disengage in your head, don't mention it to him again.