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DH gets shafted again by YSD

Disillusioned's picture

YSD let DH & I know on the weekend that she'll be coming home for about 10 days beginning end of June

She gives us the dates and then when we ask what days during that timeframe she'll be getting together with us, she confirms one night

So she'll be in town for 10 days, and DH gets to see her and sgkids for about a day

The rest of the time for BM/OSD/SIL, and we're assuming YSD's friends

BM, SIL and OSD all moved to the same town are practiically neighbours so if YSD is at one house she basically sees them all

So she'll visit with them for 5 or 6 of the 10 days, 2 or 3 days with friends and about a day with DH & I

While I was relieved to hear that as the less time I have to spend with her the better, I feel bad for DH who is always treated like this. Clearly the least important and gets absolutely minimum to no time....there have been visits where she simply told us she wasn't seeing us at all during her time visiting, we could drive to one of her outings if we wanted to see her (which would invoive hours of driving and no real visit time) 

In the past DH has gotten really angry, upset and hurt when that's happened and he's gotten into an argument with YSD about it. 

But now his attitude is more or less that it is what it is and he's gratefule for what little time she will allow him to visit with her and the sgkids

So I guess DH is right, it is what it is and for my part, I will not have to put up with a lot of time dealing with her and the stress that includeds so at least that's good


2Tired4Drama's picture

I get what Rags says, but once skids are adults there is very little you can do about how they allocate their time. As adults they get to choose who they see and how much time they spend with them, if any.

It tends to be fathers who get the short shrift in these situations.  Especially if BM has done a good job of alienation. That's a psychological phenomenom which usually lasts a lifetime. As your DH has now learned, Disillusioned. 

And it often goes on to the next generation. Your DH will probably not have much of a relationship with the gskids as they too are being taught that grandpa is only worth a cursory look and limited time.

It is what it is. My SO is in the same situation and after so many years of this I think he has resigned himself to the "scraps" mentality, too. What can he do? If there is a confrontation then it just makes it easier for SD to completely cut him off. 

It isn't just happening in step situations, BTW. There is an epidemic of adult kids cutting off all contact with parents. 

Rags's picture

For me, I speak with my parents almost daily. Always have.  Regardless of where in the world I or they may have been living.  Usually I use my commute time for this. It does not have to be comprehensive or a huge amount of time, just a check in, how was your day?, what are you up to?, etc...

Our son is not a big call or message guy. Though he does check in periodically.  

My brother isn't a big communicator either. 

So, I am the one who keeps the connections active.  Sometimes it gets irritating because I make an effort and so many others do not. Even then, it does not take long for me to get over my being butt hurt and start reaching out. If I don't it won't happen. It is important to me.

Disillusioned's picture

That's really dead on 2Tired, so very true what you say and sadly even with my own parent's divorce I would have to say my Dad also was shafted by all of us, and my Mom did a great job in alienation tactics that most definately played a big hand in that

I hope one day however my SD's will come to the same realization that we all did with our father, and beleive me there was some regret and guilt after he passed away

You're probably right that this will last a lifetime and DH has simply started to accept that this is the way it will always be, like your DH

I guess the silver lining for me is I won't have to put up with the bad energy much, but I feel bad for DH 

cwanders's picture

No drama. I would be thrilled with no interaction. Your DH's daughter is being passive aggressive to try and punish him probably for marrying you. Perhaps the SD is the one that needs punished. Have your DH to tell his daughter that it's too bad you will miss her visit since you are unavailable.  See if she doesn't change her attitude. If not, you get to skip her drama.