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DH finally put his foot down with his brothers

Mominator's picture

Had a family meeting over the weekend with his dad and brothers. DH told his brothers he was to blame for not establishing the hieirarchy in our household from the get-go and it gave the SD's too much power in our relationship and house, which created all our drama and conflicts. (Hoping to start off with accepting some of the blame, so that they would be open to listening to his side of things).

One brother denied that our relationship comes first, and insists his daughters are my equal in his life, which he did defend me and said our marriage comes first.

They were in complete denial that they are involving themselves with the DH and wife bashing with his adult daughters, so he asked "for the future" to not do it.

One brother told DH he didn't give a fu*k about (DH's) therapist or his self-help books.

It was a vicious verbal battle. One of the brothers stomped out. DH was told he will never be welcome over at their houses.

At least, he got the point across that we do not care if they bash us, just do not involve his daughters.

And, I am GREATFUL my FIL was there to basically be the referee and it should keep the BILs/SILs from calling him and bashing us with him anymore.

Amazing to me the level of maturity with people in their 40's and how narrow their thinking is.

Mominator's picture

Oh, well, it's because the SD's (20 & 23) are crying "victim" and playing self-entitlement games with the in-laws cause daddy isn't being a doormat anymore. It's been going on for over a year now (partly the crazy BM is involved doing the PASing with the girls too), but yes, his Brothers/SIL's have never once picked up the phone to call DH and get his side of the story (little drama issues that we've had here at the house with the the youngest who lived with us)---you know, me basically not allowing them to make me their doormat, and they didn't like it one bit.

DH and I are reading Stepmonster together, and he had a revelation a few weeks ago and realized he was part of the problem for not putting me first and establishing the heirarchy here in our house.

DH's cousin told him two weeks ago...."F*CK your brothers! What happens between your four walls is YOUR BUSINESS. F*CK them."

Mominator's picture

DH's dad told him about a month ago that he can pretty much forget about a relationship with his oldest daughter. She's written him off, but eventually he might have a chance at a relationship with the youngest (that I kicked out this summer). His dad (my FIL) told him to not worry so much about his girls right now, you (DH) need to be happy (with your wife) and forget about everyone else.

The only reason for the family meeting, was to get the brothers/SILs to stop getting involved and bashing us to DH's daughters, so that he can start establishing communication with his daughters, and maybe eventually have somewhat of a normal relationship with them someday.

They did not like it one bit. They dug in their heels.

Mominator's picture

Oh yes, that's what we both understand, that as long as DH's Bro's/SILs do the mob-mentality and gossip-mongering to DH's girls, the SD's will feel validated in how they feel towards us. Me----I don't care if I EVER have a relationship with either one of them. They are self-centered and entitiled, and I really didn't even know the older one, but she brow-beat DH this summer cause she saw all the stuff we were buying (house, new furniture, truck) and paid for our own wedding and he wasn't stepping up to the plate and just "offering" a nice chunk of change for her wedding.....I set the record straight for her that what we bought came ALL from my divorce and DH and BM will be happy to take care of her wedding (but I was not giving a dime, especially after the way she's been abusing and being rude to me)---she's not my daughter, and not my problem. I must have blown up a nuclear bomb by letting her know, not mine, not my business, I'm not paying a dime, cause she's completely cut off her father because of it. Unbelievable. Oh, and the one Brother had the nerve to bring the letter I wrote the OSD to the meeting this weekend and brow-beat DH about it too. Funny dipshit-I thought you said you weren't involved with DH's girls over abusing us?? How the hell did you get that letter I specifically emailed OSD????!!!!

Mominator's picture

"You can guarantee that everything you put in writing will be passed to every member in their family, without exception. That has always happened to me."

That makes sense. It's created the mob-mentality against me. Seems I can't put my foot down with anyone without everyone going ballistic over it. Whatever. She's not going to treat me like shit and then expect me to pay for her wedding. I don't even know her and just because I married her father does not mean she's automatically entitled to my income. Sorry sweetie, I have a husband, he is my priority, and my children come next. Part of the dilema with the BIL's/SIL's is they have that misconception too. Just because we are married does not entitle his brats to my income (I make double what he does). They really do not grasp, I didn't marry them, I married their father, and I have my own responsibilities to my own kids.

Oh, and she needed to know cause she was all pissy about all the money we were spending, as if it was HER business to bitch about it, and where was *hers*. It was mind-blowing to me how entiled she believes she is, and if you say no, she'll cut you off in a heartbeat. It's not a relationship, it's dictatorship, and these girls have been raised and taught by the best (nut-job BM) who basically used daddy as their supply chain, and when BM burried them in bankruptsy and he put his foot down to working two jobs and went back to one.....BM left him.

I really DO NOT EVER want to have any contact with my SD's, EVER. I can never see them changing and I just do not like their selfish attitudes. However, I do understand they ARE DH's daughters, and it IS important he have a relationship with them. Just keep me out of it. I, like you, have a loving family, wonderful brother and nices, and I am now spending my energy focused around those relationships and intergrating family traditions with them into my new marriage.

Mominator's picture

SA~

DH forgot to mention to me last night that the brother that walked out pissed off, also brought up that my DH was basically sleeping with a married woman (me). He spouted out the exact day of my divorce (which was 6 months after we met and I was already seperated with the intent of divorce and was in the process). It pissed off my DH so much, mostly out of confusion as to why his brother would even bring anything like that up, and how IRRELEVANT bringing up that I was still married while he was dating me vs. the whole conversation of "butting out of our business, he wanted to take him outside and kick his ass.
"
I know exactly why it was DUG UP (and mind you, he had to go to the courthouse or order my divorce decree on line.....which I find VERY UNNERVING and VIOLATED.....it's none of his business to be digging around).......but, I know why.....the in-laws were looking for skeletons in my closet to throw at my DH. Basically they were putting me on trial and convicting me....not nearly buring me at the stake, but close enough. Anyway, it was no new news to my DH. He knew my situation. Just really threw me, my DH is in his late 40's and it's like his brother was accusing him of sleeping with a married woman. Big whoop.

So, here's the deal, and obiously they are not our concern right now and don't plan on seeing them for the holidays, or really years to come. Would you call it taking the higher ground and sending them a Christmas card this year, or would we look worse if we didn't???? I want to send the *right* message....I mean, we have to look like the normal/decent people (and maybe not anytime soon) but eventually, we will see them (at some family function or death or something maybe not for a good long while), but anyway, I don't want to give a negative impression, if that makes sense? Frankly, I'd be content with not sending a card, but will it make things worse, or should I not even give a shit. It's not like it can get any worse anyway I guess. LOL. I just think about my DH, and they are his family, and eventually he will want to have relations with them again. I just don't want to cut them off if it's going to take longer for him to build the relationships back up again. Me~~~ I could care less if I ever spent another day in their house for holidays or whatever. They are only 4 family members who are the problem (well, not to mention the adult SD's).

LizzieA's picture

That's infuriating. Do they have kids? I bet they wouldn't like it if you turned them against their parents. People like this are a lost cause. They have so little in life except creating drama and trouble for someone else to feel important.

Mominator's picture

One of the brothers/SILs does have kids. My DH tried to tell him how it would feel if his son came to his other brother cause he was mad at his dad about something and the other brother started bashing his dad to him, how would it feel.

He didn't get it.

The other couple doesn't have kids, so their perspective is clueless. Those entitled-adult skids are suppose to be pampered and catered to and should be the center of attention.

The SIL that doesn't have children is EATING up all the attention from both DH's girls. She's coming out to look like the knight in shining armor to them.

It's really sad. My DH can't even establish rules with his girls without his extended completly going ape-shit over it. HOW DARE HE. These are his girls, and they are entitled!!!

donna123's picture

I can hardly wait until SIL, who has no clue what is going on, gets her eyes opened for her. This relational aggression is a double-edged sword that she will fall on. Just tell her she is looking rather matronly these days.

I had to wonder where did the arbitrary “equal” to adult daughters come from? Why equal? Why not above for example? (I firmly believe that for the benefit of everyone, the marriage must come first, but everyone has a different idea of what first means.)

If you asked that hostile BIL to define equal he may say well something along the lines, well it means that YOUR WIFE can’t dictate how these adults will behave in your home. Then you can counter with, well do YOU dictate how people will behave in your home, including your own children? Of course he and his wife do. To me, it almost sounds like jargon he is spouting off that he has heard from the daughters.

These kinds of confrontations meant to change outdated beliefs take a great deal of time. You know yourself how many years it has taken you to sort of understand the stepfamily culture and to learn how vociferously threatened stepdaughters can be when daddy remarries; all the more vehement when SDs are adults. I highly doubt the inlaws know that fact and are oblivious to the idea that they are being played.

They are also unaware of the myths they are operating under, jealous, cold, greedy stepmothers, even up to and including that they totally disapprove of remarriage. Then they are also influenced by the slew of misconceptions they have about themselves and their original families. Unresolved sibling rivalries and jealousies with their brother. These personal issues all come to the table, and are not your job to resolve, just something to be aware of.

The only thing that matters now, is that BILs, SILs, are peer (equal) relationships, NOT superior as they are acting. They have no business (NONE) meddling in your husband’s relationship with his children and using you as the scapegoat because they know nothing about themselves and their own prejudices. Their interference is destroying relationships, not building them.

Now if they were the loving, caring people they think they are they would take it upon themselves to educate themselves before they cause permanent damage flying off the handle in support of aggressive adult stepdaughters feigning victimhood. (what??? my nieces are aggressive?? Those sweet little girls??? No way!!!) Pfft, wake up people, of course they are aggressive, and in covert ways that you have no idea about dear inlaws.

Do they actually think they are helping? They could be helpful, but for some reason they chose to be destructive. It is so sad when inlaws involve themselves in a situation they know nothing about. But, they do it for their own selfish reasons which they will never admit to themselves and certainly not to you two.

Mominator's picture

I appreciate your insight, it is so very true what you wrote.

Exactly~~equal means I can not dictate how these entitled SD's behave in my own home. It is this very distructive BIL, that has his own issues with his own family. Quit a decent paying job a few years ago and has had his family living on the financial brink for years. He rules the roost at home even with his wife.

There are definitely jealousies with their brother (my DH), we just can't put our finger on what it is exactly.

They don't want to know DH's side. They've REFUSED to pick up the phone and call and talk to their brother over anything that's happened in our home. They don't like me, they don't want me around, and they think that if they can jump on the fam-bam clan with the SD's, I'll eventually go away.

My position poses a threat, because I do not allow bad behavior from my SD's. Something they've NEVER been taught by my passive-DH or psyco BM.

I've never allowed my own son (26) to get away with half the crap these girls do to their dad, and I won't allow my 12 yr old daughter either. I am a tough-love parent and there are consequences for actions.

DH is the only one in his family to get divorced (minus cousins), so these BIL's/SIL's are really quite clueless about the dynamics going on with the re-marriage (of us). I suppose the overall change and getting use to someone new is an adjustment they just refuse to accept. I know the girls are refusing to accept. They want their door-mat daddy back. Only they don't realize (as much as they "want to" be adults) they are not the little manipulative little co-dependents they once were and daddy has a new life and a new wife.

Mominator's picture

It was actually just a meeting between the brothers (and FIL was there to play the roll of the hierarchy of the family---kind of a way of intimidating anyone who got out of line). It was much needed and it probably should have happened months ago.

That's exactly what I told my DH last night, that they pitched such royal fits and stomped out because they knew they were wrong and overstepped their boundaries with his girls AND him.

I really believe, too, at least my DH's extended family will know all the boys that are causing the problems finally had "the meeting" at FIL's, and like the rest of the family's been telling them......BUTT OUT OF OUR BUSINESS. I suspect they are running with their tails between their legs, and to boot, they know the rest of the family is now watching. They'll have to straighten up somewhat, or face the rest of the family in shame for their immature behavior.

DH and I really do not care about anytime-soon future relationships with his Bro's/SIL's. We just need the nonsense to stop as far as his girls (SD's) are concerned.

Mominator's picture

....the brother that stomped out, was the same one arguing with DH over the incident that happened at our house this summer with the YSD when she punched me in the face because I was trying to grab her cell phone out of her hand while she was calling me names, and DH's brother was ticked off that (DH) "allowed" me to call the police and have her arrested. I guess they went around and around about it and how we could have called her attorney and had the charges dropped, etc. and how it's ruined her life....blah blah blah

....yea, here I am the victim, and they are blaming me for the altercation and outcome. Sheesh.

I can assure you if it was me that hit her, they (BIL's/SIL's) would have "tried and convicted" me and I'd still be locked up in some prision somewhere.....LOL

Mominator's picture

Oh, I'm quite sure I would have been finished with his family. Even DH was on the fence about the incident and wasn't sure if he'd stay with me. I was COMPLETELY DONE with the shit from his daughter. I couldn't have cared less. It might have been that attitude he saw in me that made him realize, if he did leave me, he'd still be letting them control his life, and secondly, he'd be alone.

I praise the women on here that stick things out with their partners, even years......I wasn't going to give it months.....

Running across this site 2 months ago saved my sanity. I figured out I needed to disengage. I was trying too hard. We both were (DH & I) to force the blended family.

The more I tried to *reason* with the OSD, the worse she got. (And it doesn't help that the BM is narcissistic and a sociopath, because the apples do not fall too far from the tree.....you know the *victim* poor-me crap and everyone owes-me BS). The more I gave, the more they pissed on me. Guilt ridden for so long, I realized, they are not my children, this is not going to work, and the sooner I get my head out of my ass and start focusing on my husband and my own children, and stop trying to form a relationship with his, the easier it has been for me and I've finally gotten my sanity back.

DH realizes this too, that I must *disappear* for awhile as far as his girls are concerned, because they are using me to blame their dad, and there will be no relationship with him and them if I don't.

I'm actually quite glad to not be forced into holidays with his BIL's/SIL's anymore. Especially since the SD's are adults. It doesn't have to be the "family tradition" like it was when he was married to BM. We're starting our own traditions. Thanksgiving & Christmas every year with my parents and brother and nieces. I figure we can squeeze DH's dad in Christmas Eve and have a quiet dinner together and exchange gifts.

I'm not going to waste another ounce of energy into those entiled SD shits. I have my own family that loves me and I have a tight bond with.

Rags's picture

We don't have this problem with either my family or my wife's interfering in our relationship but my wife's family almost all suffer from the rotating shit list virus. They are always pissed at someone else in the family. No one ever says anything to the person they are pissed at but everyone else in the family is fully updated on what the offending party is on the shit list for.

Each person has their own shit list. Occasionally all of the shit lists align and the shit-ee has a rough several months.

My wife finally called her oldest brother to ask he and his wife why she (my wife) was on their shit list. It did not go well. They attempted to turn it around and blame it on my wife. My wife let them know in no uncertain terms that she had made every effort to spend time with them and give an extended notice of when she was coming every time she visits and they have always avoided her like the plague.

It finally ended when my wife's SIL started yelling and my wife called her a manipulative bitch who is trying to keep her husband (my BIL) from his own family.

Then we had about a week of everyone else in the family polarizing between my wife and BIL. Everyone but my SIL backed my wife. SIL was pissed because my wife broke the cardinal rule of the family. "Say what you want about anyone in the family to everyone else in the family but never, ever confront the person who is misbehaving or that you have the problem with".

Your DH did the right thing IMHO. If his idiot sibs refuse to see him, that is their loss not his.

Though this situation is toughest on the person who cares enough to say something.

Hang in there.