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DH did it again.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Last week DH insisted / begged me to send some digital pictures of our BS birthday to SD. I reluctantly did so, since he asked very nicely and reminded me that BS is his 1/2 brother, etc etc. I never received a response of any sort from SD, which just shows me that she no longer wants to even be civil with me. After the nasty letter exchange, she was crying to DH justifying all her nasty behavior over the past few years. And of course DH now thinks I am just as guilty for all the trouble as SD. So last night DH mentioned that SD received the pictures, and I said Oh really, I didn't know if they went through or not since I never received a response. A simple thank you with no other correspondence would have been proper email etiquette. When I said that I also stated, so I guess SD doesn't even want to be civil now. Well he got all defensive and said - well you didn't want to send them in the first place! I said yes, but she didn't know that so she should have said "thank you" to be polite. Well he stomped off in a major huff and slept in the spare bedroom last night. Things were going better, but at the mere mention of SD even in conversation sends him over the bend. I will NOT be sending any more pictures or anything to SD - no matter how much DH begs. Every time there is interaction with SD WE HAVE A FIGHT! I am sick of it. I was thinking there was hope for our marriage, but I am beginning to doubt that again.

SebringLad's picture

Second marriages with kids involved....HELL
Second marriages with NO kids involved....PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stepmisery's picture

It doesn't matter how you felt about sending the pictures. The point is you sent them. Since you sent them, OMG seriously this is just so stupid, YOU sent the pictures therefore the recipient should acknowledge to YOU by hitting the reply and saying thank you.

Honestly this is just such plain ordinary social expectations, SD is out and out in the wrong on this and DH wrong for defending her behavior.

cant win for losin's picture

here's the way i see it. kind of a damned it you do, damned it you don't situation. You say you always end up fighting over anything dealing with sd. well if that is true and always the case, i would still stick to my guns (and not of sent the pictures) because either way the end result is still the same. a fight.

If he wanted his precious to have pictures that bad, he could've sent them him self. don't know how to work the contraption to send them? he will figure it out. and if he doesn't? well, then there are other methods of sending pictures. My point? if there is a will there is a way. If the matter was THAT important to him, he would find a way for her to get pictures.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

So sorry seems quite an over-reaction on the part of DH. I wonder if SD gave him an earful so he was already primed for a fight? You'll probably never know. I wonder if it would work to email him pictures after every gathering and then he can decide if he'd like to forward any along to her therefore avoiding a repeat performance. I know if you automatically email him pics, there is a possibility he will react nnegatively saying that you only sent them to him so you wouldn't have to send them to her. Be ready with a calm answer about wanting to share the occasion without creating any upset, and if he is upset just walk away. His reaction is his choice.

Hugs to you 20years. No idea if my suggestion will help inthe future- you know best I it is worth a try.

cmwolfe1264's picture

My SK have always said or sent thank yous to their Father any time I have done something for them or sent something to them. It use to drive me nuts~!! I couldn't understand why they couldn't reply to me even with a simple "thanks" - apparently so ahrd to do! So I told my DH many months ago I was not ever going to send them something or do anything for them again and I haven't. If my DH asked me to send some pics I would say you can do it yourself. If I broke down and was nice about it I would not expect a reply from the skids and when my DH would say they told him thanks I would say okay and move onto another topic. I no longer pick a fight about it because it isn't worth it. SKIDS WILL NEVER REPLY BACK TO YOU, so don't waste your time thinking about it/them. I too would have told DH to send the pics himself or sent DH the pics and have him forward them on to DH. If he can't figure out how to send them oh well his loss not yours.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

The problem I had was that our BS is away at a therapeutic boarding school. He has lot's of issues and problems right now. He is only 14 and we are very stressed and worried about him at the moment. The pics I speak of are from the Outdoor camping trip / birthday celebration hundreds of miles away. They were emailed to me since DH is 100% computer illiterate. That is WHY he asked me to send them. I will never do it again. And SD just called our house and he said "oh, Wife is home right now" giggle after she said something. What an ass hole!!!

sandye21's picture

"He said 'oh, Wife is home right now' giggle after she said something."

He seems to be getting some sort of kick out of this. Otherwise he would excuse himself and take the call in another room. As far as the pictures, I'd tell him "Sure", then promptly 'forget' to do it.

My DH gets passive aggressive with me every once in a while. But it used to be quite often - especially when SD was around. I USED to act like I didn't hear it to avoid confrontation. I finally let him know I can play the same game. Now it is a rare occasion he does this anymore.

Janpes's picture

I am sorry but if my husband was on the phone and used the term "wife is home right now" and giggling then he would soon become my ex husband :O

I would not put up with that disrespect from either of them.

Poodle's picture

I have to agree with Janpes. That comment is far more incriminating than the witless photo episode. He is making them sound like a couple of naughty school children smoking an illicit cigarette in secret. He is fully culpable for forming, and feeding, a sick bond that battens off attacks on you. THAT has to stop before your being his secretary does!

emotionaly beat up's picture

I agree with Poodle 100%

He would not sleep in your bed because you expected his daughter to say thank you for the photos you sent. That is over the top. However, answering the phone and telling her "the wife is home" and then having a giggle over it, I am disgusted over that for you, that was making a complete fool of you. I would have ripped that phone out of his hand and stuffed it down his mouth along with the film.

You really need to put a stop to this sort of treatment, it is abuse pure and simple.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It is a hard realization to know that it WILL NEVER stop. I told him I want a trial separation but he won't leave the house..... I have to figure something out.

Delilah's picture

Got to agree. Sometimes when you have nothing to lose, THEN the real you comes out to play.

Your DH appears to enjoy playing you and his brat off of one another, it massages his ego and enables him to puff out his chest in pride to say his grown daughter adores him. He will always conveniently forget to mention the fact his relationship with her verges on the incesteous and as a result is causing problems in your relationship. Your DH is guilty for causing these problems in your life. This may sound particularly harsh, but its also true. The ONLY thing you DH doesnt enjoy, is the fact YOU refuse to submit to this dysfunctionism anymore, unfortunately because your DH has had YEARS of behaving in this manner ingrained into his psychi you have an uphill struggle ahead of you. Granted you are making changes to how you are reacting, interacting and there are going to be blips...this is one of these, you should not have re-engaged with this situation by sending the pictures as all it has done is provided your DH with yet more playtime!

Certainly when my own DH refused to consider his own behaviour was causing his family to behave like escaped lunatics towards me (his family now admit that they naturally assumed I was a psycho like his ex although they had no reason to, so I was judged and hanged before my case was heard!) I got the point whereby I didnt want to be with him. I knew it was now or never, that things either changed or we were over. So with that in mind I did what I wanted, I didnt hold my tongue anymore. So for e.g. my MIL was ill over xmas day one year, my DH was unable to go visit her as for once he wasnt working over xmas and had a drink (he had a drink before my MIL was taken ill and went into hospital). So naturally he was unable to drive. MIL rang xmas day to have a go at him for not driving to see her and she blamed me! Called me a bitch. ALL within hearing of my own mother who was sitting next to my DH. I completely lost it, I admit this. I told my DH he either hang up the Fing phone immediately or I was rip the phone line out. NO WAY IN HELL was I going to listen to another word of disrespect against me. Ofcourse that was MY fault too, all according to DH. So much easier to blame ME than his own screwed up family.

My advice is this. You are unsure as to what direction to take and what to do next. When I feel like that I take some time away from the person causing me pain, so that means no spending time with DH, no cooking for him, watching tv, nadda. Avoid him and if he starts arguing with you, walk away and ignore him. I learnt fast that it KILLED DH more if I told him calmly how I wouldnt condone it anymore and walked away. Go see a lawyer and get some advice, both about your marriage and your finances. Plan to see some girl friends and family this weekend and disclose whats going on to people you can trust not to turn on you if you manage to work things out with DH. If your DH starts talking about sd, leave the room. Dont explain yourself and dont hang about for him to argue/tell you off about what you have done wrong. You know whatever you do is wrong, or will cause an argument so choose the path which HELPS YOURSELF. If that means it hurts DH, its tough shit. Go see a counsellor alone, you dont need to tell DH anything what you are doing. In fact I wouldnt tell him anything, he wouldnt be privy to my life, thoughts, feelings or time until he started behaving reasonably and with decency. If he disrespects you again, then pull the plug off the phone..."oh oops DH, I tripped over it, it must have come away from the wall and I pulled the plug out..."

Let Miss Bitch come out to play as I REALLY think both your DH and your sd actually deserve to be treated as they treat you. With zero consideration, respect or thought. Showing DH you MEAN business may make him freak out. I know my DH did when he realised I was serious, I had finished asking nicely, talking reasonably about what needed changing and how he was behaving instead I TOLD HIM how things were going to be as I was sick of being walked all over. If DH doesnt take you seriously then nothing has been lost, as it was over anyway however until you get to that point you need to take those gloves off immediately!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well, you pretty much said it, you have already asked for a trial seperation, but Mr Control Freak won't leave the house. Then do as has been suggested before. Get legal advice, and get a legal seperation so that all assets are divided as per the law in your State and you can both still live in the home until the settlement happens. That arrangement may sound like hell, but let's be honest, you're already living in hell, at least this way you're giving yourself some sort of a chance of getting out.

Tell it how it is, speak your mind, don't hold your tongue with SD or DH, stand up for yourself, what have you got to lose, the love and respect of your DH, I don't think so. You have a 14 year old with problems, and you need to take better care of yourself before your can do your best for that child. Read over Deliah's post above once more, and take some action to help yourself, accept the fact that DH and SD are very happy with the current arrangement, so they sure as hell won't be changing it any time soon, so YOU CHANGE IT. You absolutely can you know, and you might start by pulling that phone away from his ear when he is using it in your home to make a fool of you. See a solicitor, and see about a legal seperation therefore dividing the assets now and starting to at least take care of yourself financially.

Poodle's picture

I second Delilah and EBU (or is it third?) Whatever, you are stuck at the moment and need to take action.