Depressed and at turning point.
Hi all, first time posting here. I found my way here after looking for some support. On reading some of the posts I can't believe how many people are in similar situations with the same sort of feelings as me. That in itself makes me feel a bit less alone.
I will try not to ramble here. I am in my early 40's and have been with OH for over 10 years. He is older than me and has an adult daughter who is 23. In the early days of our relationship I didn't meet her for a long time which I was fine with as we wanted to both make sure we were serious about our future together. OH and wife split up well before we met so I am not the reason for them no longer being together. His daughter knows this but it makes no difference. I honestly think she just resents my very existence because although I didn't split her parents up, I believe she see's me as the reason they never got back together. I think she still thinks her parents will get back together even though they have been divorced a long time now.
I have had a pretty horrendous couple of years and lost my dad then my beloved mum within a few months of each other. Both were sudden and I have really struggled with my grief. I just feel exhausted dealing with all this other crap as well. We were in a rented property before but now live in my mum and dads house - I got a mortgage for my siblings share of the property - it's in my name only as I've always felt under the circumstances we should keep our finances separate (something I'm very glad I did now). His daughter never acknowledges me, we've just had another Christmas where she sent a card to dad only, doesn't even put my name inside. I picked it up, looked at it and then shoved it in a drawer. OH then started taking others down, I said no-no, they can stay up because they are to both of us. My family have always been welcoming towards him and acknowledge our relationship. I pointed this out and said It's just plain rude. He just shuts me down and comes up with some lame excuse to defend her. If it had been my family, I would have been embarrassed. She is very spoiled and entitled. I know some will say you knew what you were getting but I honestly never thought it would be like this. She doesn't have to like me - I've tried more times and I really don't care anymore - I do however expect to be treated with civility and respect as I would expect from any adult. She lives with her boyfriend and they had a baby earlier in the year. I thought things might improve a bit when she starts living her own life etc - it's worse! We went round over Christmas, a couple of other family members were there, (OH had informed me her boyfriend had proposed but he thought he'd done it because he was under pressure - he didn't want to get married but she's nagged him constantly about it). I had bought the baby presents etc, no thank you or anything. All she did was go on about how her dad has 3 years to save up for her wedding! Telling him that we can't afford to be having holidays or anything! OH laughed it off but I was boiling. I just thought screw you, I work bloody hard and so does he and it's none of your bloody business what we spend our money on - but as usual I just bit my tongue. Although I did make my feelings clear in the car home! She also announced that she is due back at work next month but plans to get pregnant again straight away (the poor guy she's with looks beat already and I don't think he has any say in it). She has zero work ethic - or any type of ethic!
At the end of the day, I think I've come to terms with her attitude. She is rude, obnoxious, loud with no idea how to behave. I am none of those things so we would never be friends. What really hurts is my husbands refusal to see things for what they are. I love him so much and it breaks my heart to think of life without him but I don't know where to go from here. I have done all I can.
Sorry for the long post - hope you were sitting comfortably!
Nobody here will tell you
Nobody here will tell you "you knew what you were getting into." I think you should just write her off. Don't bother with presents or anything for her and don't hang around her unless you choose to. You have no obligation to her. Minimize her effect on your life. If your husband wants to go without to pay for her lavish wedding, do whatever you can to ensure that it doesn't affect you and your finances. Hard to do, even with separate money from what i can see. It sounds like maybe she will drive this guy away before 3 years is up. Don't let her move in and don't become her nanny.
Well, there's good news here
EvieLou, don't despair. Read around on Steptalk and you will realize there's good news here. First, SD is 23, beyond child support years. Second, she's married and working, that means a) she isn't living with you and b) she and her hubby can support her.
I know shes a spoiled, ungrateful person but so what? You don't have to interact with her much. I would "grayrock" her. That means being civil and polite but not reaching out to her, not discussing her with your DH, nothing. You already have your finances somewhat separate, that's good. If your husband brings her up, go,"Hmmm did you see what's on tv tonight?" The idea is to avoid giving her brainspace. Your husband will sometimes talk about her, after all, she's his daughter, but don't express an opinion and divert the conversation to something pleasurable, " Want a drink, Honey?" If you criticize her and I know you have reasons, he will just get defensive.
If those wedding plans materialize, sit down with DH and decide what, if any, you two choose to spend. You two make that decision, not SD. Maybe DH could offer that amount if they woukd elope
A smart SD would take the cash but yours probably won't. Expect her to totally ignore you during planning but look at it as a plus: let her and BM drive themselves nuts doing the planning. Plan to find the hottest outfit you can and plan to look your very best that day. Know that you will be ignored but stay by your DH and look great. Its just one day then you are done.
Search the term "grayrock" on here. That will help a lot. Good luck!
I'm with Rumplestiltskin,
I'm with Rumplestiltskin, just ignore her and let DH have whatever relationship he wants with her, provided it's not affecting you in any way (including financially). Don't expect any cards or gifts from her, and don't send her any yourself.
You are just Dad's Wife, and keep it that way. Let DH deal with his kid how he wants and set your own boundaries as needed.
I agree that the ingrate is
I agree that the ingrate is his kid and we are just the wife, but there's no way to separate oneself from his brats and have a harmonious marriage. Gray rocking can only work so long without destroying the marriage, sadly. My umble opinion.
Sorry, but in this day and
Sorry, but in this day and age we should be well beyond the parents paying for their princess's wedding bash. It's a thing of the past. It dates from a time when women didn't work and it symbolized the absolute last contribution that the father made to his daughter's life.
She should be ashamed that she wants a party she can't afford and expects someone else (her father) to foot the bill.
Thank you, this is exactly
Thank you, this is exactly how I feel about it. She has no shame sadly.
Shameless.
Shameless.
And she never will and you
And she never will and you will always be the outsider so her let her on let her getting married let her have 100 kids because in her parhetic mind shes going to have the perfect family nothing like her mother or fathers marraige everything will be bliss best marriage ever but you know what it will be far from the truth she will be the same selfish self centered girl she always was and will always be .so tell your hubby to do what he has to do and attend the wedding but you will not participate in the wedding and he will go and he will be made feel like an outsider because he will miss you by his side and he will than know what it has been like for you over the years .you take yourself off on a little holiday and enjoy yourself he will still be your husband the next day
Thank you. If she's old
Thank you. If she's old enough to have a baby, she's old enough to pay for her $40 wedding at the courthouse. I hate those old traditions, they are so sexist.
Thank you, some very sound
Thank you, some very sound advice, I will read up on the 'grayrock'. I know I'm lucky she doesn't live with us anything, I feel a lot for people who's step kids live with them and have problems as there is no escape at all. He was in debt years ago basically because he walked away from his marriage with nothing. Ex wife now lives cushy with no mortgage and the home he helped pay for (that's his fault I know). I helped him then and took on the bulk of the expenses so he could get back on his feet. I just don't want him to get back into debt for something stupid like this because he can't say no to her. We are not getting any younger and as mentioned we need to be saving for retirement as well. I can guarantee she won't want to be looking after him when he's older. In every other area of our relationship he's very supportive and we are good together. we've had talks around the issues before where he claims he understands where I'm coming from but then it goes out the window the next time something happens. I feel like I am just losing respect for him to a degree.
I have tried stepping back from her before and get accused of not making an effort. I need to persevere with this though. I can't win so it is probably the only way forward to protect myself a bit.
I have tried stepping back
That right there is the source of all the angst. You can't win. Not unless SD changes her base personality. Nothing short of a lobotomy would achieve that this late in life. And the lopsided expectation that you're supposed to make an effort and the accusation you're not making a big enough one. Damn society and society's expectation that we're supposed to magically sprout feelings of love towards someone else's spawn. Your relationship is with your partner, not his adult daughter. Him expecting you to love her the way he does is like you expecting him to love and mourn your mother just like the way you did. If you expected him to do that the perfectly normal response would be "wtf? She's not my mother, she's yours"
Yes, protect yourself
My DH83 is the sweetest person ever and loves me. But if I hadnt taken over financial planning years ago, we would have nothing. He just cannot say no to his kids. And, like you, we built everything from ground zero after his divorce.
It sounds like it's similar for you. I won't go into our whole story but DH83 has a no-question "allowance" which covers his "play money" and whatever he shovels over to SD59. I don't monitor it at all but on the other hand, not one more cent goes to her from the household or my money and I check the charge daily. You guys aren't at that point but the principle is the same: a limit on what goes to the stepchild while recognizing that a parent sometimes wants to give.
3 years until the wedding
Frankly I wouldn't worry about it because her baby daddy could very well kick her to the curb before then. Just sayin'.
Do not let her move into your home with her litter of babies, keep your finances seperate - and if your SO wants to help her financially, fine - with his money not yours. And disengage from his toxic SD because it will likely get worse before it gets better - specifically, she will now weaponize the grandkids to hold your SO hostage for money, attention or whatever she wants.
As you'll find from reading others' experiences on here, she will not get any better. And no, it is not your fault it is your SO's fault for allowing his 23 year old child to behave this way.
It is such a relief to come
It is such a relief to come on here and realise you are not going mad, you are not insensitive or selfish or not trying hard enough, taking everything the wrong way and all the other things that get thrown your way - to the point you start to question yourself and ask, is it me? I guess that's the goal with this kind of manipulative behaviour and because a lot of the time it's very subtle, others just can't (or won't) see what's really going on.
Yes, most on here have had similar thoughts
Which is why it is refreshing to hear other stories and realize it isn't your fault and there are things you can do to keep the toxic stuff away from you!
Thankyou,
A lot of your comments have really opened my eyes, I don't bring up how I helped him in the past as I don't want to 'throw it in his face' so to speak. It is there though and it does need to be said if this is going to affect me also. Yes he will be embarrassed but he can't deny it. I've made a couple of comments since and normally he would go straight on the defensive but he is just staying silent - but he can't verbally agree with me. He made some comment about a colleague who's just got married and because of restrictions could only have 30 people there - just close friends and family and although it was cut short they had a lovely day without all the hullabaloo. I said yeh, well that's what's it's about at the end of the day - love. Not some big fat gypsy wedding that's just for show. Silence.
If you have a good relationship with DH.
He should understand that you are disengaging from SD. You buy her nothing. Don't make any plans around SD and GSK
Two. You and DH comes up with the amount of money that DH is giving SD for her wedding. Some anoint he can afford with out interference in your life. I E no vacations, no getterways. What ever DH can afford. $100 a month $3600, or $25 a month. $1000. I don't know your financial life.
This does sound
like your SD is similar to my SD's personality. Very immature and obnoxious. Even sending a Christmas card addressed to just the husband of the couple. Who does that? I'm looking forward to throwing that out in the trash tomorrow, and singing may auld acquaintance be forgot right along with it. Maybe watching it burn in the backyard fire pit might be even more satisfying.
I would tell your husband that at his age (60 something?) he can't afford any wedding if he has to save up for it.
it's time he gives his daughter a reality check. He's living in your mom and dads house that you inherited and he needs to be saving up for his upcoming retirement if he has anything left over from your regular joint bills. Social Security doesn't cover lavish weddings.
I know, I will be bringing it
I know, I will be bringing it up again about retirement. He's 53 and needs to be taking it more seriously because he's not going to be a kept man by me, I may well end up working longer than him as I'm younger but I have no intention of working my ass off till I'm 70 to fund others - certainly not someone else's kids and their kids! Especially when SD seems to have decided getting knocked up is a better career than what she went to university for - that's too much like actual work.
Both my parents worked really hard all their lives and never had a lot - they both died not long after they retired so hardly got to enjoy what they worked for at all. I will do whatever I can to ensure that's not how it goes for me. I have a stressful job and I think I will deserve to take it a bit easier later in life.
It makes me feel really sad to think this may be on my own but the resentment will only grow and it takes such a toll on your health both mentally and physically if it goes on for any length of time. I already feel worn.
Thankfully
I haven't seen my SD in over a year. A silver lining of the pandemic. I'm just going to stay in the present, since 99.9% of what we worry about will never happen anyway.
Sadly, what I worry about
Sadly, what I worry about usually Does take place. I wish I had a dull intuition.
It’s a healthy choice
thinking positive and leave no room for negative thoughts to take a foothold.
Having said that, I do advocate for getting ones financial paperwork in order. That gives peace of mind and is being responsible.
Other people's behavior that we can't control, I might vent about on here but then let it go. I don't let it take root and take over.
A very wise person once said "do not worry/ be anxious about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own".
She sounds horrible!
And now she has little dna samples to use as pawns to manipulate everyone.
No one really signs up for this. My Dad sais this to me a lot, and finally I had to tell him "no I absolutely did not sign up for being treated like dirt, and called names, and have my relationship feel like a battle zone".
This site should be required reading of anyone getting into a relationship with someone who has kids from a prior relationship.
Seems like he parents out of guilt and the SD has always treated you as the side chick. First Family Worship and all that.
No, have a huge talk with your DH about this, so he can see what he needs to do financially. Some just sort of live in the moment and dont think about retirement and all that.
emotional blackmail
After reading so many of the same stories I am more convinced that the family dynamics are not just accidental. We all seem to have some sort of personality that attracts this stuff. My SD is the exact same way! Selfish entitled and demanding and loud (why is that??) . She is single tho and 33 years old. Has no car, no job, and is an alcoholic! He caves to her every time she comes around and only when she wants something. Your SD like mine, probably had a controlling mother who is a total B####. Seems like a pattern. It does not sound like you are gaslighted or lied to as much as I am or perhaps you don't realize you are. Because it all seems to go together!.... I researched emotional incest and that helped a lot. I realized I was not the jealous step mom that my H accuses me of every time I get mad at him indulging her. All I know is after 20 years nothing has changed and if he cuts her off she will do what his other kids do and cut him off from their lives.
Smh
I am completely supportive of the traditional family support of weddings. The parents of the bride should pay for the wedding if they can afford it. The key aspect of my opinion on this is "traditional".
Out of wedlock breeding disqualifies the element of tradition. You SD and her sperm donor should pay for their own damned wedding. When they played hide the sausage without protection and spawned, they declared their adult status and forfeit the traditional support that they may have received for a wedding.
Point that out to SD..... in clear ear shot of her SpermClan donor and your DH.
However,
This is too true. I
This is too true. I understand the tradition of it, but that doesn't really apply in this instance. They are living together, they have a house, they already have one child. She doesn't want to work, hence why she wants another one ASAP. Fair enough if you feel the need to 'seal the deal' but you do it within your means and be grateful for any contributions made. You want to live as an adult, get real and behave like one. It is all about the 'status', nothing more. Just taking the piss really.