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Definitely a novice here-need advice

Foundlovelate's picture

I've been divorced for 9 years and have been without anyone in my life until last year. My DS has lived with me full-time since the divorce but has regular visitation with his BF on holidays [summer, christmas, etc] as BF lives 3 provinces away. My DS is now 14. I met a man at the age of 46. I fell madly in love with this man and realized that I had never been in love before. This man has 4 adult children [age 20 to 33] who are having difficulty with our relationship. He has relocated to be with me but went back to home province for Christmas [without me]. I understood, because it was still very new but now we are dealing with a "family reunion" weekend and his kids are refusing to go if I attend. He fears losing his kids. Now I feel like he is choosing them over me. I suspect his x-wife is behind the resistance to meeting me and getting to know me. I'm looking for advice in how to handle.

misSTEP's picture

I really don't have much advice for skids who are resistant to a new relationship. How long has he been divorced?

All I can say is you guys should be a package deal and he shouldn't allow them to manipulate what HE wants to do with his new SO. The only way they can get used to the idea is to be around you, I would think. Then you being YOU can dispel most BS that the BM is probably spewing to them.

2Tired4Drama's picture

You need to have a sit-down with your BF and discuss this seriously. As misStep says, you should be a package deal.

However, even if your BF puts his foot down and insists you attend, it doesn't mean they will welcome you. It also doesn't mean they will (ever) like you. There is a real possibility once they meet you, they will really put the claws in and start twisting. Their "enemy" will now have a real face and real emotions they can manipulate.

On the other hand, maybe they are mature adults and will eventually grow fond of you. But I wouldn't hold hope for that, since they are already acting like spoiled brats and demanding their way.

Again, I think the only solutions are going to be found during a hard-core conversation you and your BF have related to his kids. Maybe the only solution is that you have nothing to do with his adult kids.

Thankfully, it sounds like they live far enough away that this shouldn't impact you on a daily basis. When events crop up, he goes alone and you go out and do something that you enjoy with your own DS.

Foundlovelate's picture

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I guess, if I choose to have nothing to do with them then he and I also have to choose what events he participates in with me and what he participates in with them. Every other Christmas? Every other birthday? It just seems soooo silly. Why can't they be happy for the fact that he's found someone who loves him? He was in a loveless and disfunctional marriage for 33 years [he stayed because of the kids] and they saw how unhappy both of them were. There is one grandchild and there will be more shortly. He won't want to be away from them or me. One saving grace is that most of them are a significant distance away from us. One is nearby, the eldest, who has had the greatest difficulty with me. She gets moody anytime he mentions my name. He ignores this but is annoyed because he tells me about how annoying it is for him. He will visit her and her husband, work in her yard, do repairs. I sent pies with him once and she pretended that it didn't come from me. I picked out a house warming gift for her and again she didn't pick up on the fact that I had something to do with it. I suggested Christmas gifts for all the kids, arranged payment, delivery, etc. They are happy to live in denial that I exist. My teenage son who lives with us has an excellent relationship with my BF. I keep thinking if anyone should have difficultie with our relationship it should be my son because he's most affected by it but he's shown more maturity than any of his kids.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I like this one! There is no way they would agree and maybe they would see how ridiculous their request is.

AVR1962's picture

You sure you wan to get involved with this sort of thing? My advise is he cannot pussy foot around with his kids and try to please them and let you take the bad end of the stick. Your boyfriend needs to be straight fwd with his children and tell them that you are part of his life and that he would like to see some acceptance. He also needs to let his children know that his choices are his solely and that he has a right to go on with his life, that he and the kids mom are done and over with. This might be hard for the kids to accept and they might even blame you, thinking you are behind all this. However, if boyfriend chooses to go without you the kids get what they want and the manipulation is set in play and they will keep doing this and keep doing this. You need to go, be gracious, meet the family, enjoy your time with boyfriend regardless of the children.