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christimommy6's picture

I am currenty dating a woderful man. He is everyhing i could want. His daughters are home from college. One wont even acknowledge my existence. Leaves the room as i come in etc.
We had planned to take the 19 yr old back to college, I took the weekend off and bf comes in and says, the girls want to go this weekend so basically iam no longer going. The older
girl is 20 and granted they never have seen their father date anyone, i certainly dont get the cold shoulder. I dont know if she will ever warm up, and it isnt like she has a stable relationship with her own mother or they had a good marriage.

Advice? Anyone been in my shoes?

2Tired4Drama's picture

OP stated the bf was the one who came in and said "the girls want to go this weekend" resulting in her exclusion.

So. It's pretty clear he did not stand up to his DD nor will he probably stand up to them in the future. And you are right - this is statistically a very strong indicator of years and years of snubs and increasingly bad behavior.

OP needs to realize that part of this "wonderful man" are these two daughters. Forever.

As we've all seen on these boards over and over again, it's pretty rare that guilty dads will ever tell their darling daughters anything negative, no matter how old they get.

christimommy6's picture

Ithought it would be different with grown kids. He says she will warm up eventually, when she sees how happy i make him. She is done with school and living at home now. Hes a peace keeper and wants to give me time this weekend too. He says he feels caught in the middle.

2Tired4Drama's picture

It's not different with grown kids. Sometimes it's even worse than with the smaller children, because these adults are set in their behavior patterns and nothing will change that.

As for liking you when she sees how "happy" you make him - don't count on it. The jealousy beast might very well raise its ugly head and then the real fun will start.

Of course, we could all be wrong and these daughters may indeed come around and you will all get along famously. I just wouldn't bet much on it.

Human nature is human nature - many females (girls OR grown women) just don't want to see their daddy with another woman.

jennaspace's picture

Read this book if you want to see what you are likely in for (statistics too, not just subjective info).

If you want to stay with this guy, be cordial to his daughters but that it is. Many of us made the mistake of trying to be a conduit for a relationship between DH and skids (Planning events, dinners etc..)

To avoid anger, bitterness and yes, their wrath Don't.... make them dinners, try to appease them, buy them gifts (let DH buy all the gifts) or try to be in a relationship outside of what they instigate (don't take the ball just because the instigate, they need to cont to do so).

Let bf do it all. They are his kids and his responsibility. Many of us are disengaged after years of trying to make things better with our good works. This does not work and often causes disrespect.

I know you didn't ask for this advice but I would say most of us on here wish we had treated SOs kids like we would have any other stranger.

I met my DH when his kids were adults (young ones). I have noticed things are much worse if there is another female to triangulate with (birth mother, MIL, sister). Step daughters are generally more of the problem, though some step sons give SMs a lot of grief too.

jennaspace's picture

Me too rh... MIL, SDIL, SD. I would have had some bumps with SD but most likely could have moved past it. MIL and SDIL stirred the pot so and made things so difficult that I disengaged from the 3 of them.

Lady's picture

See her how she is now.This is how you will be treated and your BF will probally tell YOU to try and let it go and just please take her shit. Dont put yorself thu it. If she is treating you like this now ,well it will only get worse.I would walk away now.

steppedonstep's picture

I agree with all of the advice given you above, however, if you do decide to marry him, no matter how wonderful he is, keep your finances separate. At some point, and it may be years down the road, you will be glad you did.

sandye21's picture

Ask him why he is allowing his daughters to exclude you. If he does not agree that they are rude and he will set them straight get those Nikes! If SD has not warmed up by now she is not going to ever warm up. Believe me, it took me over 20 years of enduring abuse to finally come to this conclusion.

Colin Smith's picture

As a father who has experienced step daughters in their true light and is now separated going througb divorce I would suggest making everything clear with your partner, if anything said or done leaves you uncomfortable then leave.
This is the best it will get unless something radical is done

Good luck anyway