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lynn22's picture

my husband and I go out for a date night at a local pub to meet up with friends and watch a band play every 2 months about. this weekend would have been a date night except that he invited his adult daughter who is narcissistic and very needy. I asked him why he would do that and that I was not very happy about it and that I was not going. I told him he needed to set boundaries with her and that I would no invite my adult children to my night out with him.

Evil3's picture

Make sure you don't relent and go with them. I went through the same thing with my DH. He'd even invite Mini-Wife28 on our couples weekends so that she wouldn't feel that she wasn't Daddddeeeee's favourite. My DH would be so careful to never mention her, so I'd be blindsided when I'd see SD show up. I'd be so stunned that I would compare this to gaslighting and I'd not know how to handle it. I felt like I was stopped dead in my tracks and didn't know how to act. One day, I had to plan my response so that I'd know exactly what I was going to do should Mini-Wife show up. I simply refused to go. If I was already there, I'd find my way home. I stuck by it. I'd totally withdraw from DH and have nothing to do with him, if you know what I mean, for quite a while. I'd make comments that I was disappointed that I didn't get to have my romantic weekend full of sexual antics, but since DH and SD seem to need each other so badly, they should just go on the trip on their own. After a couple of times, DH did not like my absence. It was amazing how quickly he stopped inviting the Mini-Wife on our dates/trips. I'm not one to advise resorting to abstinence, but I think it's appropriate in a case where you want to teach someone how to treat you and you want to teach someone that they can't have their cake and eat it too. He shouldn't be rewarded with a doting wife and sexual partner if he's going to take her for granted and demote her to a distant second to another broad even if that broad is his DD. Stay strong. Let us know how it goes.

SugarSpice's picture

evil your response is priceless. if mini wife wants to have that role then step back in your role as a wife.

the truth is that a mini wife will take all of her fathers attention and love. she calls him hugs him and flatters him with batting eye lashes. it can make you nauseaous. then the father only comes to his wife for sex.

a great way to ruin a marriage.

TwoOfUs's picture

Love this. I've done the same.

Treat me like your wife and I'll treat you like my husband. Otherwise, we're just buddies, I guess.

blueskies4me's picture

I would go off somewhere by myself and do something I enjoy. Be vague about what you’re doing and where you’re going so your “D”H can’t show up with his evil daughter.

SugarSpice's picture

if his daughter is a true narcissist she is likely a mini wife from h&ll.

under no circumstances should a child be invited to a date night. out of the question.

as long as sd goes you stay at home. dont relent.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Ahhhh this very thing happened to me last month.

Let me go back .. I’ve disengaged from Veruca for YEARS !!! SO is trying to right his wrong so to speak w Veruca. The year before we went to Houlihans for Easter and his family took a pic of all 35 of us and plastered it all over FB. Veruca blasted her father .... she was pissed bc she wasn’t invited. I specifically told him ... if you invite her that’s fine .. I will just find somewhere else to go. No biggie ( whatever Asshole ) .... so last February HE invited her to his sisters house for the Suoee Bowl and he told me the night before so I said I’m not going. And I didn’t I stayed home and sooner after he got there I got a text from his sister ... where the f are you ?? I responded ... youll see soon enough why I am not there. The next day ... his 2 other sisters text me and understood why I wasn’t there and were pretty concerned.
Then we go to St Pat Day ( my absolute favorite day ) he did it again and I told him off .... why in the world would you do it to me again after you know how that worked out for you. I ended up going out w his family n HE nor HER showed up. Kudos to me.

He invites her to everything but never tells me he does. Sooooo Black Friday comes along ( not shopping they all hang out at Houlihans and have apps n drinks ) before we head over to Houlihans he was in the bathroom ( door open ) and he was texting someone ... I don’t ask who ... just find it weird ... we go to Houlihans and a hour later in wals Veruca. I then text my daughter n ask her where she is .... and ask her to come get me. His sister asks me what’s going on ... I said nothing I just text my daughter and asked her to come get me. She knows all about the animosity I have for Veruca. I tell his sister your brother blindsided me and I feel like I was set up and I’m leaving. She is pissed at his for being such a sneak. My daughter comes inside and says hello to everyone we stay for about 15 minutes I get my handbag n jacket and I leave. I then text him and said got a ride w my daughter .. he was in the bathroom when I left.

He comes home about an hour later and wants to talk ... I basically tell him off. That the love you just made was sneaky as anything. I’ve told you before I will not be in her presence until I get acknowlesgment of her shorty behavior alone w an apology. I am not doing his again. I said this was something you should have told me about but you took my decisions away from me and that’s not fair. You also blew my trust with you into pieces. We had blow up after blow up for 3 days. I said I was being fair when I said I just want to know if you invite her bc I will find somewhere else to be. I said ... you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I didn’t do this .... you two did .. it’s not my jobs to clean it up.

The next day his sister text me and asked how I was and how we were. I said I’m ok but we are not. She asked me if I had it out w him I said yes. She said the more I think about it ... I’m totally disgusted w my brother n Veruca. She said make him come clean and give him an ultimatum. I told her Christmas will be the test to see how we are ... if he does it again He will be gone. She said if he invites her to my house for Christmas n you come , and she shows up n you leave .. that’s bullshit you are allowing yourself to walk into a potential trap. Make him come clean. She told me that deception is a deal breaker in her book.

So here i sit and wait to see what happens for Christmas Eve .... at lest i will have a ride home if he pulls his shit again.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I’ve also had His ex wife n Veruca show up at the bar we go to on our date night. SO thinks it was coincidental... nope one of So’s friends wifvea is friends w his ex wife. Another lovely set up.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

She feels indifferent ... like she’s her niece but there’s no love lost or warm n fuzzy feeling. She knows what she did to me was outrageous. No one in his family really reaches out to her .. she makes no effort other than planned events. She doesn’t reach out to her cousins. Doesn’t visit her Aunts ... it’s all very surface no depth.

Aniki's picture

My only concern would be that she IS his sister and his daughter is her niece. Blood and all that. I'd hate for that to come back and bite you in the hiney.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I speak the truth ... I stand in my truth.

You are right they are blood but she falls from the BM apple tree and trust me BM is Nat shit crazy. All his siblings see what they post on fb and it’s chin dropping.

I’m not really concerned nor do I care. It is what it is .... his sister has always respected my truth and has often said that she will grow up and things will be better. I just haven’t seen it. She was more concerned with SO’s deception. She told me for me deception is a complete and utter deal breaker. She’s often said my brother is brutal but she also knows I do genuinely love him.

lynn22's picture

well just spoke to hubby tonight and we are not going, we will stay home. he better stick to his word.

enuf's picture

Lynn there is one thing that stuck out, it is your date night and 2 nights out of month is hardly much, for this to have to be influenced or controlled by sd is a shame. In a way it is giving her the power over your marriage and what you do. It is possible for you to still go to date night and if step-daughter shows up then you leave, make sure you have the car keys so that you can do so, your dh can get a ride home with his dd. You do not have to go home you can go to another venue.Personally I think that if you have an alternative plan to enjoy your night out along would be better as it will your dh a strong message that you will not let his sd ruin your night out and you can go it alone if necessary. I would let dh know that if she shows up on date night, you will be going to the local bar by yourself, that he knows where he can find you should he want to continue the date night.

It is nice that he decided to stay home, but his decision was influenced by his dd and in a way it still gives her the power to influence what you guys do. Again, in truth your dh should have told her we are still going, but this is my date
night with my wife and I want it to be just the two of us as our time out on a date is important to both of us.

lynn22's picture

well the next day dd called and wanted to hang out with dh, so they went out to eat together, he asked me if I wanted to come with but I did not answer him. It just erks me that he is always picking up the tag for her. I am just wondering how long this will go on...Or do I have to get used to this. Am I over reacting? I have my kids and help them out but when we go out they treat me.

sandye21's picture

No, you should not have to get used to this. You have place as your DH's wife and SD has place as his daughter. It is inappropriate for him to be taking his daughter out on a night which is set aside for your date night. I think you need put your foot down about it and tell him he should hang out with her when it is not interfering with your date night - you will not tolerate it and it is non-negotiable.

As far as DH picking up the bill for SD, this was the case with my SD. She was extremely cheap. I can only remember one time that she paid for a meal for us at an inexpensive diner. But you don't have to contribute to her meals.

SugarSpice's picture

dh announced he is spending the day with adult sd on a drive in the country. no asking me if i had plans for that day. just announced it.

at least i dont have to be in attendance and be ignored all day. i cease to exist when the sd is around. thank goodness she no longer lives with us.