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Crying again

Lisa mckay's picture

After deciding to pull away from SD 32 even not get actively involved in her birthday today. My husband is seeing her for lunch I don't care. I distrust him so much I felt the need to say that the topic of me in anyway is off limits. You refuse to see what she is doing so you don't get to talk about my/this family or me at all. So now I can't stop crying thinking this is what I have to to after 25 years.

thinkthrice's picture

for what you're going through.   Sounds like a good opportunity to make a clean break.

Survivingstephell's picture

Spend some time reading in the adult stepkid forum.  Lots to learn from over there.  

marblefawn's picture

Oh yea, I know how you feel. The mistrust, the crying. I'm sorry you're in the thick of it.

This past weekend, it was the mistrust more than the crying. If it makes you feel any better (and I doubt it will), you come to expect the lying so much that you eventually stop crying about it.

 

2Tired4Drama's picture

It is like grieving a death in a way.  The hopes and dreams you had for a happy "blended" family are gone.   It's hard to let that go after 2 decades, so feeling sad is understandable.  Just remember that it WILL get better!  

You did the right thing by disengaging.  Remember, when you have days like this try to be kind to yourself as though you were recovering from a physical ailment.  Pamper yourself.  Spend time with others.  

Most importantly, take it one day at a time.   

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP - Marblefawn has it right with this advise.  All of us have cried because of steps and all of us are going through the steps of realizing that regardless of how good we are as a person, how we try, etc.  Some of them are never, ever going to accept us.

Heck, I moved over 1000 miles away from my Twit and she still torments me because DH is the only relative that has anything to do with her and he won't quit it because he feels sorry for her.

sammigirl's picture

Yes, we all go through steps of grieving when the truth finally opens our eyes. 

Truth being: SD is Dad's little girl and this will never change.  SD is jealous of every woman in Dad's life, including BM.  SD will always be a part of the marriage, she's not going away (even 1000 miles away).  SD will make waves as long as she breaths, in your marriage.  Dad will always defend his daughter over everyone.  Dad's love for his daughter is not the love he has for his wife, it's different and he is confused on how to separate it out. 

This said, my DH will always see SD as his little princess; I understand his love for his child.  SD will always be a piece of the puzzle in my life, as long as I'm married to my DH.  My DH will defend his daughter to the end, she is his child.  All of these facts I can accept in my marriage. I get it.

Now for the hurt and mistrust:  my DH has never been able to separate his marriage from the past baggage that he carries with his Ex and his kids.  I have listened to his "terrible" life with BM, as well as what a horrible mother she was and his kids are all perfect.  Yea right! 

I know the truth now, thus when I discovered the betrayal and lies that he and SD had said about me (2 pg. hate email) and BM, it was shocking and heart breaking.  I trusted this man with my life, my actions, and my heart.   I cried, but mostly I came out fighting, like a momma bear with twin cubs that had been cornered.  These idiots took my kindness as weakness.  They actually believed that I was stupid enough to continue to put up with their Dadeeeee/mini wife syndrome.  

Long story short:  my marriage is different.  There is no trust.  That is the bottom line and we move forward from here.  Without this site and the support I have here, I would not have survived the tears, rage; my marriage would not have survived.  

I understand your frustration "shes driving me...." it never ends.  I've read your posts lately and you are going through yet another rough time (wedding), which I'm sure I will also go down yet another rough time.  I do believe, if we face the truths, the tears become less and our skin becomes thicker.  

All I ever expected in my marriage was respect, trust, love, and compassion; I know now my DH is not capable of giving those things, thus DH has never been capable even to BM; yet he gives all of this to his DD.  I give respect, trust, love, and compassion and I have never had the pleasure of receiving these from DH. 

OP, I hope it gets easier for you too.  ((((hugs))))

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

I think you expected your DH to pay more attention to you because you were making it evident to him you were disengaging and unhappy about the situation.  That didn't happen, so now you're really disappointed.  I am not judging; I've been there; I get it.  

But these guys put their comfort first and don't want to cause themselves any inconveniences. That's why their princesses were raised thinking they could do what they want; that's why daddy doesn't say anything about their behavior. 

My disengagement started with me being upset with my DH and since then we have settled into him managing his DD on his own and I am out of it. There's been a lot of resentment on my part, but the bottom line is that I CHOOSE not be anyway around her.  Not seeing her, watching her histrionics and eyelash batting, never mentioning her name is the treat I give myself.

Disengagement is something you do for your own comfort to give yourself peace. I don't know how the rest of your marriage is, but you need to focus getting peace and thinking clearly first, and then assess if the rest of the marriage is worth sticking around for.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I give my husband credit for not pushing me to to around the insane mess, but that is the only thing.  HE created his monster both ways and like Lamby stated his comfort level is his only priority, not me or them. He lies to me and he lies to them, he will spend the rest of his life living on a tight wire.  On the otherhand, I can mentally and emotionally move on with MY real family and friends and accept my life, those things I can never change. The more time and resources you waste trying to please the unpleasable, the harder the fall.  Think about how fortunate you are to know NOW and live to make yourself happy; just as your husband does. In time, though never perfect, you gain emotional freedom. Do not waste another tear on any of these people.

sammigirl's picture

My SD57 stood in front of a family gathering  and announced, "my dadeeee....thinks I can never do wrong and he is right".  Dadeeee...was sitting right there and laughed with everyone else.  I ignored her announcement and rolled my eyes.  

This is a fact; DH thinks she can do no wrong!  She was correct.  When I accepted....there will never be a change and moved forward with my life, without their participation, my life has been on the high road; by the way I do not participate in these family gatherings any longer, I am at peace. 

Yes, I shed the tears too.  I never dreamed my DH would betray me to SD57 nor abandon me for her mind games.  I was wrong!  So I cried for the betrayal and the fact that I hated my DH for what he did to me, also the mistrust I felt for him.  DH threw our dream marriage away for his DD; I have learned to accept that thru total disengagement.  

Our marriage is now convenient for him, because he is totally disabled; I choose to stay and honor my marriage vows "for better or for worse, through sickness and health".  I have 38 years invested and I am moving forward for myself.  My dream marriage and my SD57 are history; I love my DH and will not walk away, because my SD would never take care of her dad.  

When you accept the facts, it gets easier.  Life isn't fair when you are treated badly and you don't deserve it.  

((((hugs))))