Creepy SS20 still comes for overnights most weekends - when will this stop?
I posted a few weeks back about my creepy SS20. He lives 5mins down the road with his mum and finally got a job at a local supermarket the other week. I have another SS (his brother) who is 17 and wonderful - I love him coming to visit but as he is busy with a life and friends it is usually just Wed night for dinner/evening and some Sunday afternoon/evenings. SS20 comes to these dinners too but also wants to stay most Sat afternoon/night and all day Sunday.
I have to cope with it when my BS11 and BS12 are there but on weekends like this when my boys are at their dads and I was hoping for some alone time with hubby the 9am phone call "can I come over for the night later on?" "Yes sure [creepy SS20] that will be fine!" Just sends me into a major panic attack. I ended up leaving the house 10 mins before he was due to arrive and am sitting at the local cinema drinking a bottle of wine (despite quitting alcohol for good a couple of weeks ago) waiting for "The Other Woman" late movie to begin. I'll go home late and get up first thing and disappear for the whole day tomorrow.
When will this end? Am I just being a horrible evil stepmother thinking that at 20 he should have his own life and not want to come hang out with dad every weekend? DH says he'll support my boys wanting to come over at the drop of a hat when they are 20 but even at 11 and 12 they prefer to be out with friends than hanging around with me!!! Do I just have to suffer for as long as SS wants to come over for the night or is there a normal cut-off period?
Do you totally trust him
Do you totally trust him around your BSs? I get wanting to spend time, but spending the night seems strange every wknd. Most kids that age are out with their own friends somewhat. Could be he's just lonely on the wknd too.
Luckily my BS's are almost
Luckily my BS's are almost 12/13 and although they fight when alone they stick together as soon as there is a third person in the midst causing either a problem. Even without me saying a word they both fight for normal SS17's attention but avoid weirdo SS20 if they can without seeming rude.
SS20 has no friends but I don't think he particularly wants any - in the 6 years I have known him he had 1 friend for 2 years back in high school and the rest have been online/imaginary "friends". A while back DH met with BM to discuss his concerns and she reckoned he was the "man of the house" and "life of the party" (she apparently has piles of friends visiting and he gets on well with them all).
Do you think that I just need to accept that DH will be his one and only friend and will stay at our house forever on weekends perhaps? There have been so many weird and creepy things I don't know if I can bear that? Wahh why do second marriages have to be so hard, I'm not cut out for a first one let alone a second with all it's baggage!!
Have you talked to your DH
Have you talked to your DH about it?
Could you clarify what the
Could you clarify what the weird and creepy things are? I know I hate my SS22 coming around so much, so I get exactly how you feel, but I can't assess what the timespan he's likely to stick around as I don't know the background. Mine, for example, will stick around for as long as he doesn't have a relationship.
DH and I have talked on and
DH and I have talked on and on about this - I say that by him continuing to allow SS20 to come over and hang out with him all weekend it is not helping him to build a life of his own. He says he knows that and I have to trust his parenting, he just wants to give him a bit more time at this new job to make some new friends. The problem is that he doesn't seem to WANT any friends to hang out with so I can't see anything changing ever. I'll be here 10 years from now complaining about 30 year old SS. They just sit there watching war movies at night then DH gets up and makes them bacon and eggs and they sit together eating that and then go for a long walk together on the beach. Hmm apart from the war movie shouldn't that have been MY weekend with him?
The weird and creepy things go back many years but I guess if I be truly honest there hasn't been anything lately. It really is just that I think 20 year olds should have friends/girlfriends/cars/hobbies and maybe want to catch up with dad now and then/come for dinner weekly but not want to come and stay most Sat day/night/Sun day? So because he doesn't he is weird. My husband has a 49 year old brother who is EXACTLY the same as SS20. And guess where he lives - yep with mum/dad - they are his only friends. It's like looking into a crystal ball.
OK the war movies and bacon
OK the war movies and bacon and eggs, wonder if grandfather does this with uncle? It's definitely a male bonding thing that your DH must like in his own right. This is a tough nut to crack. My DH has that problem too, likes watching trashy movies late at night, drinking beer and eating crappy food. I don't do these late night things with him and nor do my boys particularly my BS16 who is not a typical male. Thus when my SS22 comes by my DH is like a thirsting man in an oasis for his company, which validates his own habits. I suspect your DH too is feeling that he is helping/parenting reassuring his son when actually he is getting meaning for himself out of the interaction.
Whilst I agree with Just Wow that it may work to simply absent yourself from this ritual they have, it does to me sound like a ritual that comforts the both of them and you absenting yourself may sadly go unnoticed or not too bothered about by DH. But at least you will have your own good times.
Maybe one angle on this is the beach walks. Does your DH go on beach walks in any event, or with you, late at night? Or are the beach walks associated only with the SS? This could be significant. If only with the SS, is this something they did when he was a young boy? That could be a level of support for him that might be understandable. But if it is a new behavior, could it mean that he is wanting privacy to talk with SS about something? Finding out what that something is might be a key to how to help SS to launch away from your home.