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Complaint list

Ijustwanttobehappyagain's picture

Every time my 3 stepdaughters come over or there is any type of get together the next day the phone their dad with a list of complaints about me. Ridiculous things like "I asked if onions where in the potato salad, I spoke in a sweeter tone to the grandma and the uncle, I didn't want a box of LEGO's dumped on my living room floor so the grandkids could play ( there where 15 people in the room & once it cleared out they were allowed to play) I had a sour puss face, I didn't hug back hard enough and the worse- I didn't hold one of the babies. So that was the Father's Day list of complaints. So I should mention that his 3 daughters decided to throw the Father's Day celebration at my house and did not consult me AT ALL. Not one text or phone call. They planned the menu, brought the food. My 3 daughters were not invited. The are on the outs with his daughters because of the way I have been treated in the past. We Used to all be close but no longer are. This isn't the first list. The previous  one was last Christmas.  I had to see a counselor  to keep from going crazy. With each list my husband confronts me on behalf of his daughters which he feels guilty because their mother abandoned them a few years before my husband and I married I helped raise those girls as if they were my own eventually all the children moved out, married and have children of their own life should be good because you instead you have it is a nightmare when his daughters decide to pester their dad about everything they dislike about me. There are petty things. I think my husband try's to be neutral however it feels like he advocates for his daughters more so than his wife. His oldest has now informed him she will no longer attend any family functions that I will be in attendance. She never liked me anyway. So I'm seeking advice on how to move forward. My husband and I will be leaving for a weeks vacation in 2 days. We are both so depressed. 

hereiam's picture

Well, I wouldn't let those a-holes depress you or ruin your holiday. A complaint list? You didn't hug back hard enough? Your husband should be embarrassed, his kids are jerks.

Oldest doesn't want to attend family functions if you are in attendance? Good, that's one less a-hole to be around.

With each list my husband confronts me on behalf of his daughters

I'm sorry, but unless you are setting their hair on fire, he needs to just stop. I mean, you spoke to others in a sweeter tone? Is he supposed to reprimand you?

My DH would laugh if his daughter (29 yrs old) came to him with a list of stupid complaints about me. And then, he would put her in her place.

Your husband may need some counseling to stop feeling guilty for something their mother did. Regardless, her abandoning them is not a pass to be a-holes.

Did he ever get them counseling to deal with their mother's abandonment?

Survivingstephell's picture

Does acknowledgment of the list accomplish anything else but bring you both down?  Stop Punishing yourselves and toss that list in the garbage where it belongs.  
 

Focus on the relationship when on vacation, no talk about any of the kids. Put your phones on silent the whole time your gone.  You don't need to be with in reach. It's for a week. A little time away from the drama is needed so you can clear your heads.  

Aunt Agatha's picture

We would be on the floor laughing.  
 

And LEGOs?  Little foot pain devices straight from the devil!  Those things would never enter my house.
 

You realize this isn't an SD problem, but you do have one honking big DH problem on your hands.

 

You May find the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin immensely helpful.  
 

This is truly a case of it's not you, it's him.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Where did these spoiled brats get the idea they could get give your DH a list of "Everything that is wrong with SM" whenever they see you? Because he puts up with it.

Tell your DH that no more parties are to be held at your home. He can see them outside of your home, but you no longer want to be involved.  It's soul draining to be constantly criticized for ridiculous things and have his kids making a list of everything they think you are doing wrong.

They will complain that you removed yourself from their lives, but who cares. You will feel much better being away from them.

ldvilen's picture

WTH!?  OK, now I've heard everything.  At least 75% of  the men, our DHs, we talk about here are missing at least one of their cajones, if not both.  That explains about 75% of our problems with SKs right there.  

I can be a wuss, I admit it, but the day my DH lets his kids come around OUR home with a "Complaint List" about me, is the day I pack my bags and tell him to have a good time being "married" to his children.  WTH!?  Is this for real--that any adult (doesn't matter if it involves steps or not) would let their children come to them with Complaint Lists of any kind and actually bother to give it the time of day?

Where are these children's parents?  Oh, that's right, they have none.  Instead, they have ball-less wusses that would rather be their child's friend than a parent.  Good luck with that one!

ldvilen's picture

H-!  He's married to his kids alright, "So I should mention that his 3 daughters decided to throw the Father's Day celebration at my house and did not consult me AT ALL."

So, you are both letting these 3 girls control and manipulate every aspect of your lives, and kick out your own daughters whenever they feel like it.  You are both that weak!?  So the one doesn't want to come over any more when you are around.  Well, dad needs to give 'em what they want.  Tell them all none of them are welcome in your home until they treat you with the respect you deserve.  Meanwhile, you can have your girls come over, your good girls, I'm sure, and enjoy your life all together with your DH.

Tough love.  DH should have written them off long ago rather than pander to their madness.  And, it is their madness, and both you and your DH let 'em all march right in and own you and your home.  See a counselor for sure, so you can both learn how to take these @#$!@#$ nincompoops out.  

ETA:  And your DH is not being neutral.  He has never been neutral. He has, more than likely, always put you last.   And, their mother's so-called abandonment doesn't matter at all.  Do you (and your DH) actually think that you have to put up with their abuse because some other woman abandoned them?  God!, I sincerely hope not. 

notarelative's picture

His oldest has now informed him she will no longer attend any family functions that I will be in attendance. 

DH needs to tell her that it is her choice. She can stay away if she wishes. He and you are married and attend as a couple. She may fold if he calls her bluff or she may stay away, but either way it's a choice she is making.

The key in this is whether the other sisters are going to aceed to the oldest's demand. Are they going to invite only DH to things like the grandkid's birthday? If they do, DH needs to immediately make it clear that you are a couple and not to be separated.

advice.only2's picture

If my husband gave me a list of complaints from his grown a$$ children about me I would give him my list of complaints.  Number one being a husband who had no backbone and chose his grown children over his wife. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

A list and an ultimatum were my first thought as well.

OP, why are you accepting this awful treatment from your spouse and his relatives? Why are you allowing these bi!ches to run roughshod over your home and your self esteem? You're letting them abuse and dominate you, and that's still not enough for them.

Do some research on Relational Aggression, and keep reading on this site. Then, find a marriage counselor experienced in blended family dynamics, and drag your awful, spineless H to some sessions. You need to start prioritizing your self and stop accepting this soul killing abuse.

ndc's picture

You should never have heard about their ridiculous complaints because your husband should have told his daughters that their list was ridiculous and that he didn't want to hear any complaints about his wife.  You have a husband problem, and he needs to start standing up for you and insisting that his daughters treat you with respect and kindness. They're probably loving the ability to control daddy like a puppet.  He needs to cut the strings and do some of the parenting he apparently failed to do when they were minors.

shamds's picture

To live their life and stop being petty about crap!!! This is ridiculous 

my skids wouldn’t dare criticize me, well ss22 is dumb enough to blame me for things which daddy loses his shit on. I remember 5 weeks after giving birth to our daughter he told daddy i should clean all his dirty dishes in the sink as i was a stay at home housewife and a woman and this was my job. Fyi, his mum never did any housework but somehow its my job to?? How about telling your mum to do some housework... oh yup its so beneath her right!!

then we had another time ss claimed i was a stranger which is why he wasn’t wrong to ignore me and my 2 kids of hubbys (his half siblings) and shun us. We were married just over 4 yrs at that point and when my husband got that message from his son calling me a stranger despite him living in our marital home, hubby told him off “thats my wife”, as usual ss response is dead silence or shrug his shoulders...

so anytime hubby tries to ask me to go on a meet or family event skids will be at i automatically say no and why should i be with people who call me a stranger. We haven’t even got to how exwife told sd24.5 sd14.5 that i was a half naked christian caucasian whore... bahaha laughed at that one... laughing joke between me and hubby is i’m happy to be his caucasian whore everynight in bed, thats why he’d avoid any contact or physically be in same place as exwife. He’s survived for 11 years already, soemtimes i wonder how his kids marrying will change that as hubby doesn’t want to be in same room as ex yet alone “suck it up for the sake of the kids” since she is so high conflick

Rags's picture

Make damned sure that you are at every family function on your DHs' arm. If his toxic spawn don't show because you are there... good riddance.

Enjoy the easy wins that idiots like this give.  Being actively present in your DH's extended family is an easy win with this moron SD.

tog redux's picture

I can't even. OP, why are you putting up with this? Your DH is clearly spineless, but you don't have to be.

Let him know that they will no longer be planning anything at your house without YOUR permission, and if he doesn't put a stop to the "complaint list" (as in, "I don't want to hear any more complaints about my wife") you will no longer be at any events that his kids attend.

I don't know how you've put up with this nonsense.

Winterglow's picture

I'd have rolled around laughing, pausing only to gasp "you're kidding, right?" so that he understood how absolutely effing ridiculous he was being.

tog redux's picture

Oh, OP - I have an idea! Next time you all get together, present DH with a complaint list about his daughters and ask him to please read it to them.  When he looks at you like a deer in the headlights, point out how ridiculous it is that he allows them to do that. THEN let him know he either shuts it down or he can spend all his time with them alone without you.

jam's picture

You could give them something to add to their complaint list.  "SM said we can take our list and stick it where the sun don't shine!"

DPW's picture

This is ridiculous and petty. Who does this? Oh yes, people who have no manners. I'd throat punch SO if he ever relayed such a ridiculous list of complaints.

CANYOUHELP's picture

You poor lady, I have been exactly where you are too many times. Our men cannot parent, nor husband, as they should, apparently.  In an ideal world you could weather this storm, but only with a husband who never entertained this insanity in the first place. You and I do not have any husband of the sort.  Instead, our enmeshed daddeees listen to the bull, never correcting this jealousy and pettiness.

At first, I said I can do this (and be a good wife), and keep going back in the pit of vipers, only to suffer more of the abuse or worse than the last horrific occassion. I watched my clueless husband, for years, allow insults to be hurled at us about everything they could conjure up: I assume expecting a livid outward response by me---cause they know/knew dadddeeee would never correct them....

Disengaging is not easy, and it is not the cure all.  The answer is a real father not afraid of his own children and who also stands up like a man for his wife, as he should. You and I, after years of doubting ourselves, finally come to realize-- that man is only a fantasy, unfortunately.

If you live with this doormat daddeee, stay away at all cost-- from his seriously messed up mess of adult brats. You do not have to be abused to be married; let him enjoy the crude behavior he allows to exist. If you stay away, they will strart up on the beloved daddy even worse (not that anything they do matters, lol)....but will also keep begging for you to come back,(not as much fun); it is hilariously pathetic.

You are not the problem and you cannot fix it.  You can fix you and protect your own mental and emotioal health. Let daddy visit away from your home with his delighfulness; you enjoy your  peace!

 

 

 

Lagertha's picture

First of all they are grown and moved out I am assuming so they should have no control over your life and your home. Shame on them for writing a list of your faults and then expecting their father to reprimand you if they dont like something. They are acting like spoiled brats as adults. All I see is ungrateful kids that disrespect the woman who helped raise them and they and your husband expect you to kneel down whenever they want something or have a problem. The fact that he doesnt defend you and does their bidding, then makes excuses that their mother abandoned them. That isnt you fault and he should worship you for helping to raise his kids. This will eventually beat you down and come between your marriage if you dont stand up to him and his kids. It means they only see you as their dad's wife, not their mom. 

Dovina's picture

"he should worship you for helping to raise his kids"   but of course the guilty daddeee never does...he worships the poor widdle adult skids. Twisted.

Thumper's picture

Complaint List would have been met BY me, 'OK do not come into my home"

OP, my own bio's would never EVER pull that garbage.

If they did, they would have been told to leave.