Comparing our visitor to SD
We have had a visitor from Italy for almost a month. She is 21 and has been totally delightful. This has opened my eyes considerably to my relationship with SD. It's like night and day. Our guest actually makes an attempt to get along with us. We both respect the fact that I am not her Mother, she seems to respect that we are offering our home to her for her visit. I also see a difference in my DH and his expectations of our guest vs. SD.
SD seemed bent on doing all she could to get between DH and I. I am beginning to see it wasn't me personally but that I represented the true 'end' of my DH's first marriage, and she MADE it personal. I am also beginning to see that there would have been nothing I could have done to gain her approval or acceptance, and that DH would have never been able to make her feel differently about me. BUT I DO see now that DH could have insisted on mutual respect. I am also seeing a man whose top priority has always been himself and his comfort.
Many times we advise a woman who is thinking of marrying a man to think twice if he has kids. I would like to throw it out there that the first thing to look at is NOT whether he has a preference toward his kids but how he demonstrates his love and loyalty toward his future wife. If you feel he does not put you first in his life, regardless of kids, run for the hills.
Yes, they could have insisted
Yes, they could have insisted on mutual respect, but these men are fearful of losing their relationships with their disrespectful children if they refuse to tolerate the way they behave. Many times over the years I told my DH he was rewarding bad behaviour in his daughters by whatever his actions were at the time. It was not until he reached a crisis in his relationship with them in 2013 that the way things were became unsustainable and also I refused to be taken for granted any more, which was a big factor in the changes that then happened. WE can also insist on mutual respect - it is not just our DHs that need to do it. I know I put up with things, for a number of years, that I should not have tolerated. Partly this was because of my own dysfunction (an abusive first marriage, made possible by a neglectful upbringing by my parents).
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years, and I see now that a lot of the way I allowed myself to be treated by the SDs, was because I permitted it. There is no way I would act like that now.
I agree
You arer right. WE are the ones who should be adament about mutual respect first and foremost. I was also abused/ neglected as a child which set me up for being 'conmfortable' with the 'familiar'.
It's like we have the exact same relationship
"I am beginning to see it wasn't me personally but that I represented the true 'end' of my DH's first marriage, and she MADE it personal. I am also beginning to see that there would have been nothing I could have done to gain her approval or acceptance, and that DH would have never been able to make her feel differently about me. BUT I DO see now that DH could have insisted on mutual respect. I am also seeing a man whose top priority has always been himself and his comfort."
My situation exactly. Glad you had a nice time with your Italian visitor
I actually visited with xSD last weekend to meet her 6 month old and 3 yr old. It's been 8 years since I've seen her and it the visit was delightful, warm engaging and totally highlighted how toxic current skids are!!
The beauty of the parent
The beauty of the parent child relationship is that the parent controls it from the beginning. If the kid does not comply with established behavioral standards the parent delivers consequences. The parent also delivers rewards for behavior that exceeds the established standards. The same applies with adult children. Parents should not tolerate unacceptable behavior from their adult children any more than from those children when they were minors.
For some reason a significant number of parents don't understand how it works and end up being eternal victims to the shit behavior of their toxic spawn.
smh