College Graduation Around the Corner
Graduation is around the corner and DH and I have been talking and heatedly discussing continued support of SS and SD. SS graduated last year and got accepted into a PhD program and is now there and being paid to go to school--he teaches and does his research for his modest income and his tuition, fees and books are now covered. He has an old truck and it has over 300,000 miles and could die any minute so I told him if he saved I would match his savings up to 5k toward the purchase of a newer vehicle--he is saving and jazzed about the idea so it has been kind of fun.
My SD is much more difficult--don't get me wrong her brother was a pain in the butt and had his moments. SD is one of the most negative people on the planet. Hates everything--but travel--which my money has been all over the world in the SD's pocket. And I've never been out of the US. The list of places she has been is too long to list--even a semester in Spain. So instead of working during the summer like her brother did she blew her money and traveled--which has two costs the travel and the lack of earnings by being gone. Fast forward--we give her a monthly amount and in May on graduation it is going to end. My DH said you are going to match her with savings just like SS and I said yes as long as it is for a tangible thing something that moves her forward in life, a car, or house. No money matching for travel. Not from me at least--Mom and Dad can do what they want with their money. So you can imagine where this went DH says well I should match her for travel--well I cover $24,000 more per year than he does for expenses--I make more.
So I've said he just doesn't have it and I refuse to pay any more for her travel. In fact I showed him a budget and said I have been paying 24k more per year of expenses--which I am happy to do for my husband but, not for adult children come May. Now I've told him we are cutting her back gradually some this month, next and then less in May. Small graduation amount of $500. And then no more. He is on board and thinks she needs to finally go out and pay her own way or move back in with either us or her mother and work and save.
I was thinking of writing her a letter and outlining that I was happy to help, but now she is on her own. I want to point out that the extra expenses have fallen on me for years and I do not want to pay for her anymore. I wanted to tell her she is very capable and part of love is to let people go and do--this is why it is tough love. Also I wanted her to know that I will do the matching for a tangible item but the travel will in no way be continuing.
SD is also a frequenter of the doctors--2 x a week for various in her head aliments and they are on my health plan. I am turning off the FSA and will not pay her $750 out of pocket going forward. I wanted to make sure this was communicated to her and I wanted to put this in the letter as well.
I want her to clearly understand she is launched and she needs to start paying her own way. I also want her to understand as an adult that contributions from us are up to us and her mother no longer can have any say in what we do and do not contribute to.
DH is on board and a new separate account will be set up with a limited amount that is in the family budget to pay for gifts for his children, trips home for his children, or trips to them, and a small emergency fund, as well as my matching amount. If their wants or needs exceed this fund he has to get a second job, or get it from his father. I finally got it through his head it will not come from our retirement because I am not going to carry him more in retirement.
Any advice or experience in dealing with the launching of adults into the world. SD is 23 and will be graduating with 3 degrees and a minor. She has a firm foundation and she has experience waiting tables so I know she can work and get by.
Why you are paying for DH's
Why you are paying for DH's kids? That is entirely his responsibility, not yours. Quite frankly, I think he had quite a nerve expecting you to give his kids any money at all. There seems to be a difference in the relationship you have with SD vs. the one you have with SS. SS sounds as if he is being responsible. If SD is given any money it should be spent on something more tangible than another trip. But all of the the money should be from DH. If he can't afford it then too bad.
First of all, Never put
First of all, Never put anything in writing to a skid, as it becomes a tangible weapon to be used to foment discord. You've informed your spouse of the upcoming shut down of the gravy train, and it is his responsibility to make this clear to his daughter. And to be fair, he should do this ASAP.
I think that you have been VERY generous with your adult skids, including with the new family budget, and you are fortunate that your spouse is in lockstep with you. Considering that you dont owe his kids one single penny, he's still getting a great deal. Be prepared for some backsliding though, especially on the health insurance issue.
It is your DH's
It is your DH's responsibility to speak to HIS daughter and tell her how things are going to be from now on. You have been beyond generous with your skids and I do find it quite a cheek actually that your DH expects you to fund /provide money for children which are actually not your financial responsibility. Could be where your SD gets the idea that others should pay for her pleasures in life (ie. in her case travel) too.
I get that you earn more,however I suspect when you started your career you worked hard to better yourself. I doubt that the foremost thought in your mind was "gee I'm going to work hard so I can hand over most of my money to other people's children." I find it upsetting when people are taken advantage of and that seems to be exactly what is happening here. I don't understand how your DH things this is ok either? He slept with BM, produced some children and is ok with you footing the bill for the outcome of his roll in the hay?A situation you had nothing to do with?Boggles the mind!
Obviously DH is the problem.
Obviously DH is the problem. He demands that YOU fund his spawn and now he wants you to fund SD for whatever she wants with no boundaries on YOUR money.
Meh ..... DH nor his spawn get to determine how or if you will support them. You tell them if or how you will help and if any of them takes exception to your generosity you tell them all bets are off and your money is no longer available for their support.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Truly he doesn't demand
Truly he doesn't demand anything. I wanted a more expensive house one he could not afford and pay for his children's college so we chose together to buy the house--it is completely mine and he would pay less to the household to allow his children to get a college education.
The SS understands fully he has grown up a little faster than SD. She is very immature and terrified of being on her own. So I just don't know how to light a fire in her belly. I believe cutting off the finances may do it thus I was looking to see if anyone had any experience with this. She is a good kid, 3.7 with 3 degrees and she works part-time. But no real direction.
Then what is the problem.
Then what is the problem. :?
That's what I'm wondering.
That's what I'm wondering. From what I can gather you want suggestions on how to help SD launch but from what you wrote you already have the answer.
Funny how that works out like
Funny how that works out like that some times. Yes we are meeting over dinner to discuss plans. And matching will be for a car IF and WHEN she may need one. Then terms will be discussed. We decided she doesn't get it just simply because her brother does and at this age needs are different. Travel and out of pocket medical will be her responsibility--the fun part of being an adult. Thank you everyone.
I have absolutely no
I have absolutely no experience with this as I have never funded my SD for anything.
I do agree that you need no explanation and to not put anything in writing, they can really twist that around.
Why college graduates would need to be told that they are now launched is beyond me.
It is a real post. I make
It is a real post. I make more almost double and about 2 years ago decided I wanted a better house one that DH could not afford--but one that I could afford. So I agreed to pay more and if we break-up I get the house--it is completely mine. We combine our incomes and both agreed to pay for both of his children to go to college--I think college is VERY important and so does DH. Before the new house and the combining he paid everything for SS and SD. But we also got the kids full-time when his ex decided to go back into the military and volunteer for Iraq. I care greatly for both of these children and I have helped fund some of their things. And I do not mind doing it going forward. The SD is not a deadbeat she works part-time and attends school and has a 3.7 gpa receiving 3 degrees and has even come to take care of me after a surgery. She is a good girl she just tends to be negative and is very afraid of taking care of herself. She also has the bad habit of the travel which irritates me to no end.
Thank you for the advice. Her dad has spoken to her and she understands, but he is horrible with details as a lot of men can be. And his daughter really likes details. So the next time she is over for dinner I will ask her if she understands the new financial arrangement.
As for the medical we fully expect a backslide her--but her mother who has refused to pay any medical is who we are going to point her to. I am hopeful if SD pays for some of this the behavior will change and she'll stop going to the Dr's as much.
"We combine our incomes and
"We combine our incomes and both agreed to pay for both of his children to go to college--I think college is VERY important and so does DH." Of course he does - since he and his kids are getting a free ride! You say you make $24000 more than DH which is twice as much as he makes. So you make $48000 a year. That's peanuts now. Better to take what you are donating to DH's children and put it in a nice retirement account for yourself. Because I can tell you once the cash flow you are providing dries out, they will all vanish. Gee! I'd be really nice to someone who would provide me or my kids with a free college education plus a nice house to live in.
No sorry I'm not good at the
No sorry I'm not good at the details--I pay 24k more of the household expenses I make 80k more than he does. And their mom pays for part of their college, my DH dad (grandfather) pays part, We pay part and then they have gotten scholarships. It truly isn't that much money coming from me. I just want her to launch and she has had it way better than I did--I had to pay 100% of my own way. But that isn't saying SD doesn't work hard. She drives an old car, she shops at Target for clothes, makes her own lotions, even suntan lotion. She scrimps to help pay her trips--we just have helped 1/3 on the trips. Really truly it isn't a ton of money from me, and I have no kids, and my retirement is 100% funded--I even have 2 pensions. I just want her to launch and I was hoping other mom's might be able to give advise on how to move her to adulthood but not create a ton of anxiety for the kid. Her mom has left her many times and she has issues and gets nervous very easily.
And I'm not a Doctor but I make Doctor money. Would it be that big of an issue if I was a man and I married a woman who had a deadbeat dad and I helped raise her children. I just got to ask?
She is a good girl and I need help gently explaining that she now needs to cover her own expenses. And her brother is good too--no Mercedes and I'm only giving him 5k toward a car and only if he saves and matches it--I want him in something safe his current truck has 300k miles on it is and falling apart.
I just do not want to fund the travel anymore and the matching is for something tangible--and since her love is travel is my expectation unreasonable?
Sorry, I was drawing
Sorry, I was drawing conclusions based on your original post. You sound as if you have a big heart. As long as you know you are not being taken advantage of, and you know you will never be resentful, go with your gut. "I just do not want to fund the travel anymore and the matching is for something tangible--and since her love is travel is my expectation unreasonable?" This is the perfect response. Go with it. And good luck.
Thank you! I also just had a
Thank you! I also just had a conversation with a step mom who spends money on her SS and her idea was to have SD over for dinner and discuss plans and to save the matching until she needs a car and to express that to her. So I think I have a plan. And the fact that I felt compelled to defend them also helped me focus--they truly do not expect it and have grown grateful. And at this point in life they are nice to me and I am nice to them. Believe me me the SS and SD have had our ups and downs, but I'm pretty certain they will feed me soft food in my old age and that I will enjoy their children as my grandchildren. And the SD negativity I think is pretty typical of someone her age--the lady I spoke with is a teacher and she helped me understand that sometimes they are just like that. I'm just hopeful that as my SD launches that she'll be able to do the things she's dreamed of and can stand on her own two feet--it is hard out there. And I worry because she is so scared and inexperienced. Thank you everyone for your input.
Congratulations on you and DH
Congratulations on you and DH raising two pretty good Skids.
Take care of yourself and enjoy your soon to be realized empty nester world. It is an entirely new world when the Skids launch and recognize your role and contribution in their lives.
Enjoy.
I hope we did, but I tell you
I hope we did, but I tell you what you just can never tell and I worry all the time about them having kids and dropping them in our laps, or needing more money and not being productive. I raised my nieces off and on--when you do not have legal custody--when they do not like the rules they just hop right back to mommy who will let them do anything. In the end I just had to lower my expectations to "please God let them pay taxes". They do, but based on my outlay of $ it should be better.
One thing the experience with my neices taught me is how awful the BM can be--so when my DH ex treats me badly I just smile because she is amateur compared to my sister. I just laugh and say bring in on. Sometimes it is difficult to keep giving when his kids are pretty neutral about me but they have upgraded to being polite and relatively nice to me so it is the best I think I'm going to get.
I don't usually do it to be good to them I do it for DH. And I struggle everyday with my negative feelings about them and some of their past behaviors and the wonderful ladies on this forum help me keep perspective and hope for the best. Thanks again and I am focusing on the good. But I can tell you the text I send to let my SD know the automatic payment of her medical out of my FSA has been turned off will make me smile bigger. All medical type updates come from me--my plan is better. DH has agreed to some tough love and not paying out of pocket medical--we will still pay her premiums (thanks Obama) but it is better than nothing. He has also agreed no money for travel, and she needs to support herself. If she can't she can move in with Mom.
Our house came off the list of options because of our cat Clyde--funny enough hubby loves that cat more than any of us. And as an exotic he can't be around other cats and SD refuses to live anywhere without her cats. DH didn't even skip a beat when he said your cats can not come here. So I hug Clyde everyday!