Collage age SD Causing Nightmares - DESPERATE!
I'm new here and I hope it's ok that I'm not married...the same issues with my boyfriends daughter are preventing us from moving in that direction yet. I am desperate for help and will take any and all suggestions.
Short background. My BF and I have been dating for years - off and on. The off was when I was dealing with aging and ailing parents. We never lost touch and when possible immediately got back together. We've never dated anyone else. I never met his daughter until the past 4 months. She was "blindsided" in her words and refuses to acknowledge that we had a relationship prior to her knowledge of it. I get nasty text messages from her saying she doesn't understand why we have "to see each other every damn day." "when you touch my father it makes me want to vomit" She has text me asking not to take him out of town AT ANY POINT that she is home and then proceeded to list the school breaks she has. (totaling 6 months a year). The texts go on and are so hurtful and rude. I do not respond and I DO NOT show BF. I do not want him pulled further between the two of us. He raised her on his own and this is killing him. She is making life impossible. She has told he and I both that it is not "me" because she likes me personally but that it is the concept of sharing him.
He has talked to her, I have tried. I am at a loss. Just this past weekend she was at an event with us (never happens!) and his friends (who love and helped raise her). I was the "outsider" she used this opportunity to trick me into a conversation, which I was thrilled with and thought went well, however she proceeded to go to BF best friend and tell them that I ambushed her and was cruel and rude. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I foolishly fell into her trap. It was their home and they ask me to leave. We were going to an event that I paid $550 for and ended up at home crushed.
BF and I spoke at length last night. The lies that she told him and his best friend are outrageous. The problem is that he is delusional in believing that he and his daughter have this special bond (they are very close) and that she has never and will never lie to him. Clearly hearing that she does puts a strain on us and hurts him.
He is a wonderful man. We have finally both reached a place we have wanted to be for 7 years....but his daughter is making it almost impossible. She demands that she have "equal time" with him. If he is with me 3 nights then she also demands "gets 3 nights." I do understand that he is scared for her. That he hurts for her and himself. He feels guilty which he shouldn't.
I am here because I am lost. Truly lost. We are completely in love but can't be happy or have a normal relationship since she has returned. I realize that this will ease up (thank GOD!) when she goes back to collage however we are talking about forever and she certainly isn't leaving for good. I'm at the point of suggestions group counseling for us all. She clearly has attachment issues and separation anxiety with her dad. He suggested HER in counseling and she refused but if it was all of us, or the two of them and he tried forcing her....I don't know how that would go.
Any suggestions, advise, experience that anyone can share with me I am wide open. Thank you in advance! Has anyone here ever done counseling?