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Collage age SD Causing Nightmares - DESPERATE!

Kfentress's picture

I'm new here and I hope it's ok that I'm not married...the same issues with my boyfriends daughter are preventing us from moving in that direction yet.  I am desperate for help and will take any and all suggestions.

Short background. My BF and I have been dating for years - off and on. The off was when I was dealing with aging and ailing parents. We never lost touch and when possible immediately got back together. We've never dated anyone else. I never met his daughter until the past 4 months. She was "blindsided" in her words and refuses to acknowledge that we had a relationship prior to her knowledge of it. I get nasty text messages from her saying she doesn't understand why we have "to see each other every damn day." "when you touch my father it makes me want to vomit" She has text me asking not to take him out of town AT ANY POINT that she is home and then proceeded to list the school breaks she has. (totaling 6 months a year). The texts go on and are so hurtful and rude. I do not respond and I DO NOT show BF. I do not want him pulled further between the two of us. He raised her on his own and this is killing him. She is making life impossible. She has told he and I both that it is not "me" because she likes me personally but that it is the concept of sharing him. 

He has talked to her, I have tried. I am at a loss. Just this past weekend she was at an event with us (never happens!) and his friends (who love and helped raise her). I was the "outsider" she used this opportunity to trick me into a conversation, which I was thrilled with and thought went well, however she proceeded to go to BF best friend and tell them that I ambushed her and was cruel and rude. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I foolishly fell into her trap. It was their home and they ask me to leave. We were going to an event that I paid $550 for and ended up at home crushed.

BF and I spoke at length last night. The lies that she told him and his best friend are outrageous. The problem is that he is delusional in believing that he and his daughter have this special bond (they are very close) and that she has never and will never lie to him. Clearly hearing that she does puts a strain on us and hurts him.

He is a wonderful man. We have finally both reached a place we have wanted to be for 7 years....but his daughter is making it almost impossible. She demands that she have "equal time" with him. If he is with me 3 nights then she also demands "gets 3 nights." I do understand that he is scared for her. That he hurts for her and himself. He feels guilty which he shouldn't. 

I am here because I am lost. Truly lost. We are completely in love but can't be happy or have a normal relationship since she has returned. I realize that this will ease up (thank GOD!) when she goes back to collage however we are talking about forever and she certainly isn't leaving for good. I'm at the point of suggestions group counseling for us all. She clearly has attachment issues and separation anxiety with her dad. He suggested HER in counseling and she refused but if it was all of us, or the two of them and he tried forcing her....I don't know how that would go. 

Any suggestions, advise, experience that anyone can share with me I am wide open. Thank you in advance!  Has anyone here ever done counseling? 

Merry's picture

Whew. That is one messed up relationship. Your boyfriend and his daughter sound totally enmeshed and there is no oxygen left for anybody else.

I think it's too big for you and he to sort out together. This is a pattern of behavior and expectations established long ago. He needs to see a therapist to begin pulling it apart so he can have a healthy relationship with his daughter that leaves room for a partner. I don't see how she can possibly have a healthy relationship with a boyfriend of her own.

Right now he has a partner--and it's not you. If he wants that to change, he has to be willing to walk into the lion's den.

moving_on_again's picture

Frankly, your boyfriend's relationship with his daughter is gross. He hid you from her for 7 years? That right there should be telling. 

ybarra357's picture

Oh it's obvious that 'Mr. Wonderful' already has a SO, and it isn't you.  Move on, he clearly isn't as completely in love with you as you might think. 

Kfentress's picture

We both had a rule of no children meet unless we were serious and had dated for 6 months. 

We first dated in 2011 and I ended it just prior to that mark because my mother in NC was ill.

We never lost touch as friends and knew we wanted more but my life was a crazed mess. 

We tried again two years later but then I wasn't ready as my mother had just passed.

Tried again two years later but my father fell in in NC and again I left.

We never lost touch and knew what we wanted. That's where we are now. Seven years later with a chance at what we have wanted and waited for all along. My daughter is thrilled for us, but his is simply terrified of loosing her father....which would NEVER happen. It is ripping his heart out because she's making it painful and playing on a fathers' guilt.

I love the idea of HIM going to counseling!  Thank you Mary!  I had only thought of therapy that included her but she refused to go so therapy for him or for us both to learn how to deal with this and to work on "UNMESHING" them and moving forward with everyone feeling some peace and happiness.

moving_on_again's picture

Ok, I can see why he didn't mention it to her now. I didn't understand the timeline. 

However, they both need couseling. 

Kfentress's picture

It's hard to put so many details to such a complex issue into one post. He is a fabulous dad. In a perfect world seven years ago would have worked out time wise and he would have been my daughters SD and a great one.

I have been leaning toward therapy for all but hadn't thought of it just for him until she agrees to go (I want him for force her but she won't participate). I'm going to mention this over the weekend. This week has been so hard after her ******** over this past weekend that it has us all sick and strained. 

So much for what could have been and things getting easier with older kids. BOY was I an IDIOT!

Merry's picture

He is a fabulous dad.

He's anything but a fabulous dad. He did not teach his daughter independence and self-reliance. He was too busy being her BFF. That's not to say he didn't provide well for her--education, sports teams, whatever else, and that's probably what you mean. But he evidently built his world around her and in the process has crippled her. I know that sounds harsh. But in her world, she and her Daddy will grow old together--both of them without partners because they have each other with no room for anyone else in their lives. There is nothing normal or fabulous about this. 

 

 

TX2step's picture

The relationship between your SO and mini wife IS gross. She doesn't get to demand equal time, she is not your equal. She is playing her dad like a violin, and you are making excuses. He needs to set her straight. Makes her vomit when you touch her dad! Indeed I would make sure she gets plenty of exposure. This will not get better. Life is too short to be in second place. 

Wrong Way Diva's picture

Has SHE ever had a boyfriend?   I'm seeing so many red flags here......

simifan's picture

Noy showing your SO those texts is a huge mistake.  He has a wife, you aren't it. He needs to put the beast in her place. I'd move on until/unless he does. 

Dovina's picture

Expose the SD (sh*t disturber). The BF needs to see how unhinged she is.

notasm3's picture

First thing - Block her a$$ on your phone and on all social networks.  Make it impossible for her to have any contact with you.  NEVER be alone with her or have a private conversation with her.  If you get trapped put your phone on record.  Toss out her stupid calendar and forget about her need for you to vamoose if she even thinks about seeing him.  Do not let her be YOUR problem.  

Then let's deal with Mr. Shit for Brains with no spine that you think is so great.  If he makes one peep about what you are not doing with her tell him that he is now free to spend all of his time with her as you are out of there.  She's made it clear that she does not want you in the picture and that she will stoop to anything to prevent that from happening.

Then sit back and watch his actions.   Does he honor his commitments to you?   Does he cancel plans with you because she told him to?  Does he want you to get lost if there is any chance she might want to see him?  Can he treat you with respect and kindness.  

Do not let him make you a booty call when she's away while he pretends to her that he is not in a relationship with you.

Now they should be able to spend time together without you.  It would be equally wrong of you to insist that she only see him with you present.  But it's all about respect and boundaries. 

Now maybe your SO does want to man up and treat you right.  But don't settle for crumbs.  It won't end well if you do, and you will hate yourself for being such a fool.

Dovina's picture

Everything you said. OP please listen to all this good advice.

Frankly, you are in a lose lose situation. He takes his DD side, lies and all, and he always will. How humiliating for you to be asked to leave an event because of SD's lies. Did your BF leave with you? If he didnt, he should be toast, you should be done!! This girl will turn anyone and everyone against you. Your BF will not become wise to this until maybe it still happens with 3 or 4 GF's later. 

Kfentress's picture

No canceling of plans on me for her. That has never happened and wouldn't go well if he tried. He goes against her, not me. This weekend was totally out of character - BUT she and I were thrust into a day/night together and she took it and ran with her manipulation. He is trying to "ease" her into this but after a month, she's still at stage one.

The touching thing - she has to get over - we ALL discussed that and I refuse to change a thing as does he in that respect. 

He and I had the RECORD IT NEXT TIME conversation.He wishes this one had been recorded. So do I!

Yes, he left WITH ME from the event and stayed with me while she was with his friends...we went off with my friends.

She has been blocked from all of my social media etc. That was step one. 

Please do not make fun of me or belittle either of us by calling him "Mr. Wonderful" or "Mr Shit for Brains" that doesn't help me at all ...if you've been in love, which I assume everyone here has been or is, you know there are rare instances in life when you KNOW you are with who you are supposed to be with (we both do) and where.

As for "fabulous" in the true sense of the word - meaning perfect and without fault - I wouldn't fit that bill as a parent either although it was my goal every single day. I should say he did a fabulous job raising a daughter who was beaten by her mother on his own. His mistake was never letting her see HIM with a life or see him as an individual and not just DADDY.  I get that,

It's not always easy, especially blended families or anywhere kids are involved. Hell, even ex's can be nightmares. I came here for support and wise advise from those who are much more seasoned and experienced in this than I am. Thank you to those who have provided that.

I'm lost and frightened as I don't want us to have to part forever (which is what it would be - no second chances from me and he knows this) because this CHILD cannot handle her emotions with daddy and he is afraid to hurt her and tell her TOUGH ****. This is an 18 year old who stood in a parking lot dry heaving when he and I were leaving to go out of town for a weekend. He left her standing there after trying to reason with her and we had an incredible time - she was never even mentioned. He does not give in - usually. He stood up to her and argued for us to the point of her tears but this weekend but a strain on him like I have never seen. He is a wreck. It's only been since may 5th for me when she returned home from collage.

He is now so upset and saddened he doesn't sound like himself on phone and I'm actually worried as to what she has done or put in his head. It's a disaster like I have never seen. I would have never thought it could be so hard for two people who love each other (and yes, I know he is in love with me) to be together because of the jealousy and insecurities of an adult (by law anyway) child.

Yes, I love him and we were in a complete honeymoon before she arrived home. We waited 7 years for us to be able to have a relationship. He IS a good man. He is navigating waters he has never had to and is TRYING to do it without hurting anyone...she or I. I get that. That is exactly his nature. The problem is that she isn't letting that happen and as we all know we are only as happy as our most miserable child. 

The therapy advise I am taking to heart - not for her because she won't listen or participate but for him. 

 

Dovina's picture

is what you get on here. Read more on the adult forum regarding jealous SD's. It all comes back to the relationship daddy facilitated with her. I at first blamed my SD entirely for all the awful things that she has done. However when you break it down, this behavior continues because  of the dad. I think thats the point posters are making.

 You said he sounds all torn up on the phone and you are worried what she has put in his head. If he loves you like you say he does there is no reason to worry, right? You should have enough faith that he will handle his daughter, right? Or as you say which is positive he goes into counselling.

His daughter is working hard to end you two, your BF is cracking under pressure , now is the time to get him in counselling.

 

Best of luck, its a hard situation, that frankly sometimes love is not enough to make it sane.

mro's picture

And once you accept you have no control over anyone but yourself (none of us do), you may realise the only one who will go is you.  It might help you make sense of this situation.  Or try some Codependents Anonymous meetings.  He and his daughter are codependent.  And anyone who sticks around with a codependent is likely codependent herself.  Don't ask me how I know.  

beebeel's picture

You are head over heels for a dream. You have built this man up in your mind for a very long time. Please start recognizing this is reality. This is when the dream starts to unravel.

Survivingstephell's picture

Did BF set his friends straight on the lies?  Where is BM in all of this?  Is she alive?  I see no mention of SD having a mother around.  

It's good that he can and has stood up to her, but I really think its too late and that is why SD is acting so immature.  She seems stuck at a much younger age, did something traumatic happen to her when she was younger?  I ask that because my SIL lost his mother at 13 and experienced some stunted maturity issues in relation to that death.  He has been going to therapy the past year and has come a long way.  He is 25 now.  

Therapy could be a good thing, provided he finds a good one and has a plan for what he wants to work on.  I would assume it would be his relationship with his daughter and parenting her into self supporting and on the pathway to adulthood and fully launched.  At this stage he should be a sounding board and reference person for life, not still actively parenting her.  I have 3 launched daughers and that is the role they put me into as they matured.  

I would give yourself a deadline for how much more of this you will give time to.  You must see positive movement into a healthy relationship for all to stick it out.  If in a year from now, this hasn't changed, what will you do????  

 

ybarra357's picture

Sorry, but this man is neither fabulous, wonderful or a good man. I stand by what I said above.  If you want to continue to be treated like you are, then please, carry on.  But that doesn't change who he is. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Where is the young lady's mother? Is she deceased? You said in your profile that this young lady has never witnessed a period where her father has dated. You are the first. 

So while you came and went from this man's life (always unknown to his daughter) for six years plus, he just sat around home doting on his daughter? How did you two even manage to do the 'secret' dating thing during your 'on' times since the girl was , what, eleven?  Even not having met you, how did her father escape his daughter long enough to date you?

Sometimes every unnatural here. Doesn't this young lady have friends? I guess, no boyfriend, but where are her female friends? Why is she wanting a summer break from college beng spent hanging out with Daddy? If you get three evenings (I'm trying not to go WTF? here) and she gets three evenings, but does the young lady plan on doing her three evenings ? Both the ones with Daddy and the three without him? And what happens on the seventh odd evening? Is this the man's night to rest up from the battling women? 

It was this man's job as a parent to prepare this child for adulthood. To have seen to it she was well balanced in activities, friends, family and ready for launching. How does she manage to get through the college non-break times without her father every day? 

And no, your Bf can not force this young lady into counseling. She is an adult. He can not force her to do anything . But with that said , as pointed out above, the counseling needs to start with him. Sometime is not right here. He has failed this young lady. She is nowhere near prepared to go out into the adult world nor to even begin to accept her father is a grown man with a life and needs of his own. She should be working (at least part time) this summer earning towards her financial needs, sees friends, exploring on mini vacations with female friends.... but here she is, crying over Daddy not giving equal time as his (to her) new GF. 

I'm not understanding the $500 ticket event thing. If you were all attending an event that needed tickets, how did you end up in a friend of your BF's who then kicked you out of the home and you ended up in your house crushed and alone? What kind of event requires $500 ticket and is held in a friend's house? For that matter, why did you hand over the tickets after being asked to leave? 

 

Kfentress's picture

wasn't at a friends house - it was CCMF - a country music festival lasting 4 days here in Myrtle Beach. We both had friends attending the event. EACH ticket was $500+ Sorry this is so short but all I have time for now.

Survivingstephell  - the mother is still alive. She was cruel, neglectful and abusive to her daughter - that is when my BF fought for custody and won. She was 11. You are very insightful. Being too late we didn't anticipate but that is a good perspective and one to address in therapy for sure. She is working part time and is a successful student who is also in a sorority but this is an area that has stunned and shocked us....and I'm afraid may take us to the brink.

 

still learning's picture

Well you two are trying again and it looks like it won't work this time because SD isn't ready, and SD will never be ready to allow daddy to have another woman in his life.  Your BF has raised a weak entitled daughter. Her mother beat her physically and BF treated her as a replacement wife and crippled her mentally.  She sees her dad as more than a father and that's really unhealthy.  

The fact that she doesn't want you two to have physical contact and is demanding equal nights with him is quite disturbing.  It sounds like she's setting up the schedule of a Sister WIfe. Your BF consenting to this arrangement is just sick and makes me think some boundaries may have been crossed between the two of them. So many red flags here and the hair is literally standing up on my neck.  

Step Daughter's picture

The reality is that divorce, and then new relationships, are far more difficult for children or young adults to bear than most people want to realize. Few want to educate themselves as to what the social science data says. It's unfortunate, but it's the truth.

Even so, you're not going to be able to fix the situation, and you just might inadvertently make it worse. They both need counseling, a lot of it, but they won't get it until they figure out that something is wrong. Your presence isn't helping.

 

Dovina's picture

Actually it is. The OP's presence magnifies the sickness between the BF and adult daughter. Hopefully this deranged dynamic can be rectified through counselling.It became highlighted and an issue because of the OP. Unfortunate for the OP, but her prsence might be the catalyst to work on fixing such an unhealthy dynamic. I weep for this delusional SD with daddy issues, hope she gets help. Likewise daddy gets into counselling,deals with his issues, and is able to one day have a loving healthy relationship with a woman without having his dd act like a jealous lover.

Too old for this's picture

You said this:

“The problem is that he is delusional in believing that he and his daughter have this special bond (they are very close) and that she has never and will never lie to him.”

This statement is highly significant for it foreshadows what you will live with if you stay with him.  You will always be dealing with his inability to see his daughter as she is.  He loves the “ special bond” and you will always be the outsider. 

I understand how you want to be together but you have been given a window into what your future will look like.  You should decide now if you want to live like this. For you will. It will only get worse.

MRBDDB's picture

"This is an 18 year old who stood in a parking lot dry heaving when he and I were leaving to go out of town for a weekend. He left her standing there after trying to reason with her and we had an incredible time - she was never even mentioned. "

Was she dry heaving because she was upset the two of you were going away for a weekend?  

It is very clear she is his mini-wife.  PERIOD.

I believe you realize that this is unhealthy and there needs to be boundaries but I feel like you don't see how truly incredibly unhealthy this dynamic is.  As another poster stated, read up on co-dependency.

Also, I agree with someone else who said he may have been fabulous as a provider and showing her love but he has failed this young lady so much in teaching her to become a responsible stand on your own two feet kind of adult.  I understand she goes to college, is in a soroity, etc but she has some serious issues.  I'm sure what she went through with her Mom has really crippled her but your BF has crippled her just as much but with good intentions.  

You will always compete with her.  Generally, it does NOT get better the older SD's get.  I have two of them, they are now 18 and 21 and have been in their life for 14 years.  I can tell you, the problems do not go away, they only change as they become older.  I never dealt with anything close to what you are dealing with and I can tell you my life as a SM has been no cake walk just like the majority of the SM's here.  

I would go into this with eyes WIDE open, take off any blinders you are wearing because you are in love.  (Been there done that also).  

Life is too short to be the "other" woman.  Until your BF is willing to realize the severity of this situation and get himself and his daughter some help, this situation will never change.  So you have to decide if you are willing to be 2nd best.  

marblefawn's picture

Been there with many similarities to your situation, including the "blindsided" comment from my SD, the equal time demand, the hyperbolic statements, the resentment if we went out of town together -- all of it.

I have several suggestions for you, but I'll keep this post to one, and it's a nuance, but I wish someone had told me this.

You said of this situation: "she is afraid of losing him." Don't give her this out because it's simply not true. It took me forever to stop giving my SD this excuse.

SD knows she won't lose him -- he's not dead, he's dating! "Fear of losing him" is what people say when someone has a terminal illness, not a girlfriend!!!!! When you talk about this, you need to keep it in realistic terms without all the drama so everyone knows the reality. No one thinks he's going to move away from her and never see her again because he is dating you. So don't buy into that BS and don't repeat it because that is NOT what's really happening in your three-way power struggle.

So that's the first thing. Don't enable her by talking like he is terminal. As long as it sounds dramatic, no one's talking about the real problem, which is simply that she doesn't like the change of sharing him. She's probably been calling the shots for years in their "marriage." Now you are there and her dad is doing things because of YOU rather than only being motivated by her wants. That must feel shitty for her. But you didn't do that to her. He did that to her.

Without all the dramatic speech, it just sounds like a jealous little girl -- but she's not a little girl. She is a grown woman, so she presumably has impulse control, free will, and critical thinking skills. She can choose to accept her new reality and be happy for her father's happiness, or act like a child.

So don't give her the out of making this a matter of "losing him." She knows damn well she isn't going to lose him, but she's losing the first place position in his life just as your husband will lose his first place position in her life when SHE marries. It's the natural order.

"Fear of losing him" makes you sound like a threat to SD and it makes her sound like the victim. Don't be fooled. That "victim" will split you two like a knife through butter and that's exactly what she's aiming to do. So call it like it is. She's not a victim, you're not taking him anywhere, and he's not terminal.

As I said, this is a nuance, but the sooner everyone identifies it as it really is rather than as something else, the sooner you can begin working on addressing jealousy. The emphasis should be on her dad's happiness because it's a lot harder for her to admit she doesn't care if he's happy.

marblefawn's picture

Oh, and by the way, my SD was a psychology major and REFUSED to go to therapy too.

Go without her (it's probably better that way). Let your BF get some tips to deal with the guilt (maybe he should have a few sessions alone).

Another thing I wish I had realized early is that HE is the only one who can change the dynamic. SD already hates you and wasn't shy about telling you that. She isn't going to change for you.

So you have to pray he sees the light and changes the dynamic with her. You really can't do a thing to change her. But talking it out in therapy might help. Get pointers for "what do we do when SD..." This did help us a little. The therapist needs to emphasis over and over exactly what BF should say to her and how to react to her. You need to reinforce it when he "forgets" by saying, "Remember, honey, this is what the therapist told us to do." He won't get it correct right away, but you just keep emphasizing that the therapist is the expert and he should follow that advice.

As much as you can, don't fight with BF about it. He will soon turn on you if you bad mouth his kid, demand or play the victim. As it is, he will probably never say a bad word about SD no matter how awful she is to you so don't expect that. Once there's a divide between you and him, it quickly goes the wrong way for you. Be cool as a cucumber and act as if you're dealing with a small child who doesn't know any better.

Kfentress's picture

I listened, I listened well. I may not have liked what I heard but I listed and paid attention...and in the end you were all right. We broke up today. I started realizing how much I was listening to his side, to her side and NOBODY ever cared or listened to my side. It won't happen again. There won't be an 8th year - there won't be another chance. Does my heart break for what could have been...yes...but this isn't my child, I can't fix this on my own. He has a long road ahead of him...and I even gave him a link to this thread in case he wants to ever see that it's not JUST ME.   Thank you all, not for the name calling. I still find that over the top...but for the honesty and for reeling me back into where I should have remained...reality! 

sandye21's picture

Sorry you had to go through all of this but I have to tell you that you are a lot wiser than I was when I was first married to  my DH - and I went through it over 20 years before I asked why is it always about DH and SD?  What about me?  Life is full of lessons.  Sit down and list all of the lessons you have learned from this relationship.  Read them every day to reaffirm your reasons for getting out of something potentially disastrous  for you.

Good for you for suggesting BF go on this site.  In time he may actually see your side and seek counseling.  

Take a good rest from it.  Sleep in, read a good book, go to a spa.  Just spoil yourself for a while.

In another year you will be thanking your lucky stars.  (((HUGS)))

Dovina's picture

Ending a chapter is always hard. However I am excited for your new future filled with healthy strong relationships. I really think by the time we post on this forum we have the answers in the back of our minds. The validation we get from fellow members assure us we are on the right path.

You chose a healthy path. Best of luck.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I am sorry to hear that you split, but no one wants a man who is so emotionally tied to an adult daughter.  His job was to raise her to be a functional adult who lives her own life.   She has him wrapped around her finger because she is either emotionally very needy/immature and/or because she knows how to manipulate her father to get what she wants.

Unless the father establishes healthy boundaries for himself and educates his daughter that he is allowed to have his own life that includes an adult partner and that he does not need her permission to have this partner, the problem will never get better. His daughter will be repressed emotionally, never be able to stand on her own two feet, because daddy will not cut the emotional umbilical cord. 

My OSD is in her mid 40's and a few years ago I believe she heard the word "no" for the first time. Since she has always gotten what she wanted, she did not handle the "no" very well and is still reeling from it.  This problem does not get better with age; find an emotionally available man.

Merry's picture

Oh, I am so sorry. And that was sadly fast--once you decided to express your feelings, it was over. Wow That tells you everything you need to know.

Grieve the loss, get mad, eat ice cream, hang with your girlfriends, stay busy. You deserve a partner who is devoted to YOU.

Kfentress's picture

Yesterday some of your words seemed so harsh.... but they were exactly what i needed to hear. (again accept the name calling) Truly. The man I saw over the past week wasn't the man i fell in love with. That hurt.  Still does. This was not the man I knew.  Throughout all of our time together he opned every door, was the definition of a gentleman, wouldn't even leave me in a restaurant alone....but he took he child's words over mine, didn't stand up for me and at the drop of a hat neglected me for what he didn't have the courage to really deal with.  That is NOT a man i can be with.  I do love him....that will take time.  No tears yet.  Still angry. Still disappointed. It took me seeing it through other eyes to believe and realize what was happening that i didn't want to see. I hope I awake tomorrow with the same strength. Thank you for the support and advise.  Ive been surrounded by friends so i am for that blessed and thankful. 

marblefawn's picture

I'm very sorry. It sounds as if there wasn't much room for you to work with him. It's good you learned this before it was too late.

You have every right to be angry. Remember, though, you'll move on and find the perfect man. Your ex is totally trapped with the monster he created. It wasn't about you -- she would have treated anyone as she treated you. So this will happen over and over. Deep down, he probably knows he caused this breakup, but if he doesn't now, he will later.

Hang in there. I know it seemed storybook...the way you yearned and waited for the time to be right to be with him. When your real prince comes, he won't have a princess in tow!

moose's picture

Sorry for what you are going through. What everyone is telling you is so true. My DH and SD have a similar relationship to what you witnessed. My DH stayed in a marriage to BM that was a toxic marriage for the sake of the children. They lived separate lives, slept in separate bedrooms and each used their children as their fill in spouses. I asked DH where he got his emotional needs met while in this marriage. He said from his children. This is called Emotional incest. Look it up. It will help you to understand what you were in the middle of. SD is 33 years old, married, has a child. Nothing has changed. She still feels that DH is her property(her guy). After 15 years she has not accepted me. She is trying to break us up. DH still gets his emotional needs met by his children.

actually one thing has changed. Now that she popped out a kid, she really holds the trump card. Before she was married and had a kid, she did not speak to DH for 3 years(best 3 years of our marriage) because he dared to take his wife to dinner with SD on SD’s birthday. She wrote him an text saying he was. Failure as a husband to her mother, a failure as a father to her and a failure as a Christian. She came back into his life when she got engaged. She needed daddy to pay for her princess Diane wedding. Now she has a kid and the trump card. DH knows and admits if he does not do what she wants, she will not let him see his Gkid. So he will never stand up for me again. 

Mu point in telling you this is that these fathers create narcissistic personality disorder offspring. They make them their spouses instead of being a parent. They are more worried about being their kids best friend than parent. They want their kids dependent on them. They don’t want them to stand on their own feet. They always want their children to get their emotional needs met by them and visa versa. 

You had no chance. He was already emotional married and emotionally unavailable to you or anyone else. He already has a mini wife. She nor he will give that up. It doesn’t matter if she got married or if he got married. She will always be his mini wife. Look up mini wife syndrome. It would not change no matter what you did. The nicer you were the more they would walk all over you and your feelings. You would always come last. You would have a life like so many of us her being gaslighted, stonewalled and blame shifted. Narcissist’s never change. They don’t think they are the problem. They think you are the problem. As soon as you serve no purpose to feed their narcisstic supply they will throw you away. This is what SD to DH when he stood up to her. She knows now he will never do that again. 

You are lucky you got out when you did.  Huggs to you!

Rags's picture

It is good that you quit avoiding the facts.  He needed to know the depths of depravity of his toxic spawn so that he could put his foot up her ass and mitigate the pressure on you.  If you were to be equity life partners he was going to have to confront the SD sooner or later. Sooner would have been better if he had been in posession of the character and testicular fortitude to be your true equity life partner.

Good luck in starting a new life adventure with this non-man and his toxic crotch dropping fading in your rear view mirror.

Take care of you.